Eruption - Chapter 21 #3
"Yeah. She's so easy to hang out with. When she's not mad at me that is.
We became really good friends after you moved here.
Our relationship progressed so naturally.
And she's beautiful. And so smart. And she's incredibly passionate.
" He immediately looked down at his food.
His face looked a little red. "Yeah, it's still weird talking about this with you. "
"A little." I laughed. I wasn't sure I wanted to hear about my two best friends' passionate lovemaking.
"Okay, let's just agree to be friends that talk about everything except for our sex lives." He put his hand out for me to shake.
"Deal."
"Um, so, I was thinking I'd surprise her after work. With some flowers or something. And ask her officially. Hopefully she won't want to move out either. I've gotten used to waking up next to her." He looked a little embarrassed again.
"I think she'll love that."
"Yeah?"
I nodded. I knew this would mean my relationship with Tyler would change. It would be different with Melissa too. But if it meant they were both happy, then I was happy too. I could adjust. The past few weeks I had handled so much change. I could handle one more thing.
"Well, she gets off in about half an hour. I should probably get going. If you're okay?"
"I'm good."
"You sure?"
"Go ask my best friend to be your girlfriend."
He stood up and pulled out his wallet.
"It's my turn." I shooed him.
He smiled. "See you later, Penny."
"Bye, Tyler." I watched him leave the restaurant. It was probably the last time I'd hang out with him one on one. He probably knew it too.
I sighed and looked down at my half eaten sandwich. Maybe I should go try to confront Isabella. I didn't want her to think she could intimidate me. Even if she had. I didn't want to give her the satisfaction. She was just messing with me.
Ian probably knew where she lived. It was just a question of whether or not he would take me there. I grabbed my phone and texted Ian to pick me up at the diner.
In a few minutes I saw the car pull up outside. I quickly paid the bill and walked out of the restaurant. Ian opened up the car door for me. Before he could ask me where I wanted to go, I climbed into the car. I couldn't make eye contact with him when he asked.
When he got into the car, he lowered the partition. "Where to, Penny?"
I looked out the window. "Can you take me to Isabella's?" I kept my eyes glued on the window, despite the awkward silence that greeted my ears.
"Sorry. What's her last name?"
"Hunter." I turned toward the front of the car. Luckily I only had to look at him through the rearview mirror because I was starting to feel sweaty.
"I don't..." He cleared his throat. "I don't think I'm supposed to take you there."
He wasn't supposed to take me there? God, James. Had he seriously told Ian where he could and could not take me? I didn't want to lie to Ian, and I certainly didn't want to get him in trouble. But I needed him to take me to Isabella's. "I have lunch plans with her. I don't want to be late."
Ian glanced out the window at the diner that I had just come out of.
Crap. Why am I such a terrible liar? I was even worse when I was angry. I tended to speak before I thought it out.
"Penny, I'm going to take you home."
"Ian, please. I need to talk to her."
"James doesn't want you to be in contact with her."
Why? Because he doesn't want me to catch them making out? I swallowed hard. That wasn't fair. It was just a picture. There was so much behind a captured image. I looked down at my hands. "What, did he give you a list of places where I'm not allowed to go or something?"
"I'm not at liberty to discuss that with you."
I spent a lot of time with Ian. Whenever I was in the car with him, I usually lowered the partition and chatted with him. I considered him to be a friend. But he wasn't. He was polite and courteous to me because James paid him to be. Ian wasn't my friend. He wasn't even my employee, he was James'.
"Okay," I said and looked back out the window. I felt like a petulant child. James had a way of making me feel like that. But he was right. I shouldn't be going to see Isabella. There would never be a reason for me to go see her. Ever.
***
I got out of the car without saying anything and walked toward the front of the apartment building.
"Penny, I'm sorry."
I turned around and looked at Ian.
I shrugged. "If you're not allowed to take me there, then you're not allowed to take me. It's fine."
"Look, I'll take you if you really want to go. James doesn't have to know." He stared at me, wanting to know if I'd keep the secret. He was putting his neck out for me. Maybe he thought of me as more of a friend than I realized.
"No, that's okay. James knows best, right?" I gave him a small smile.
"You really don't want to see her anyway. Trust me. She's not...nice."
He knows her? I hadn't even thought about it before. "Did you work for James when they were still married?"
Ian nodded. "Yeah, he even kept me on the payroll when he went to teach at the University of New Castle for a year. So that I wouldn't have to keep my job with Isabella. We didn't get along very well. He probably did it because he knew Isabella would fire me." He laughed.
"He knew he was only staying there for a year?" I asked as nonchalantly as possible.
"Well, I mean, he came back before a year so I had to start back up again a few months early. With you." He smiled. "But, yeah, he said he'd be back in a year when he left."
James had told me he was taking a break by teaching.
He had never put a date on it though. He had never told me that his plan was always to come back to New York.
I thought we had decided to make our fresh start here together.
I had that same eerie feeling that I had when we had just met.
That he was the hunter and I was the prey.
I folded my arms across my chest, suddenly cold.
Why did it feel like I still didn't know him?
"Are you okay?" he asked.
I had gotten lost in my thoughts. I nodded my head and smiled. "Yeah. I'm just feeling a bit tired. I'm going to go take a nap."
He nodded.
I walked into the building. The wave of air conditioning made me shiver. It was freezing. It felt like I was in the middle of a New York winter.
"Penny!" Cliff called as I made me way to the elevator. "I have a package for you."
Oh God. But when I turned around, it was a box sitting on the counter, not another manila envelope. I let a sigh escape from my lips as I walked over to Cliff and lifted up the box. "Thanks, Cliff."
As I stepped onto the elevator, I looked down at the box.
My momentary relief completely evaporated.
It was addressed like the last envelope had been, with just my name and no address.
The elevator dinged. I absentmindedly walked into our apartment.
My heart was racing. I set the box down on the counter.
I had this weird, all consuming fear that there was going to be a bloody limb in the box.
Part of me wanted to laugh it off, but the other half of me was wondering just how crazy Isabella really was.
She followed James to Rachel's. She had gotten someone to take pictures of her in James' office in order to capture her kissing him.
I shouldn't look in the box. But it was like I had no control over my body. I tore off the brown paper and looked down at the shoebox. There was a post-it note on top of the lid:
He's not good at forever. His words are as empty as the promises he can't possibly keep because his love is as fleeting as his addictions.
James talked about a forever with me before he had even officially divorced Isabella.
He jumped into a life with me head first. But it was because he had never experienced something so real before.
It didn't matter what Isabella said about Rachel.
He loved me more than he ever loved her.
And he definitely loved me more than he loved Isabella.
James kept his promises to me. Always. He was good at forever because he was my forever.
But I still opened the lid of the shoebox. I wasn't scared of Isabella. Whatever was inside couldn't take away the fact that I knew he was the love of my life. And that he meant every word he ever said to me.
Inside there were dozens of handwritten letters and short notes. On top of the jumbled up letters was another post-it note:
Love is something to hold on to when your past is dark. When you need an escape from your reality. When you're an addict.
Fuck you, Isabella. She didn't know him. She never did. James was in control of his own fate. He wasn't addicted to me. And he was certainly never addicted to her. I picked up the first letter that was underneath her note:
My beautiful Isabella,
Today we start our lives together. There's nothing I want more than to fall asleep with you in my arms and to wake up to your smile for the rest of my life.
I've been dreaming of this day my whole life, the day you'll finally be mine, the day we finally become one.
Marriage, starting a family, growing old together, I want everything with you and only you.
You are the love of my life. You are my heart and soul. You are my happily ever after.
I'll love you always and forever,
-James
I could picture him writing this to me on our wedding day. He had even said some of these things to me before. Almost word for word. This was how he had felt the day they had gotten married. His words were so full of hope. They were so full of love. I felt a tear fall down my cheek.
He had made it seem like he never loved her.
Like he was forced into it. But he had said he tried to make it work.
He had wanted it to work. That letter didn't make it seem like he was trying to love her.
It made it seem like he did. I sat down on one of the stools at the kitchen counter and reread the letter.
Maybe I was wrong. His words were so heartfelt. Had he actually been in love with her when they got married? That wasn't what he told me, though. I pulled out the picture from my purse and stared at the two of them kissing. He wasn't pushing her away. Maybe he still loved her.
I grabbed another note from the box.
My love,
You love me despite my flaws. You understand me better than anyone else ever has or ever could. The best decision I ever made was marrying you.
Yours,
-James
I could feel my heart beating in my throat. I picked up another note and read one after another.
Isabella,
Your eyes sparkle in the sun. I get lost in them every time we're together.
Love,
-James
To the sexiest woman I know,
When we're not together I dream of you. My lips against your soft skin. My fingers in your silky hair. The taste of you drives me crazy, baby. I'll never get enough of you. I can't wait for this business trip to be over. Not having you every night is torture. I feel like a teenager again.
Thinking of you,
-James
My beautiful wife,
I can't wait to have children with you. I can't wait to start our family. You're going to be a wonderful mother. You're so loving and caring. I'm ready to try. A bunch of little yous running around would make me the happiest man in the world.
Love always,
-James
I couldn't read anymore. All the words were blurry because of my tears. He loved her. He loved her so much. These were sweet notes written to a woman he was head over heels for. He wanted to start a family with her.
And he didn't want one with me. I put the notes back in the box and closed the lid. He was ready to have children four years ago, but he wasn't ready now. It didn't seem like he ever wanted kids with me.
James meant everything to me. He was my whole world. And now it felt like my whole world was crumbling in front of me.
The pictures could be explained. He went for closure with Rachel.
Isabella kissed him, not the other way around.
Those could all be logically excused. But these notes?
He lied to me. James had loved Isabella.
He didn't have to lie to me about that. He could have said he loved her.
And that she cheated on him and it broke his heart.
The only reason you lied about a divorce was for one reason: if you were still in love with the person.
And you wanted to convince yourself you weren't.
I wanted to grab a box of notes James had written for me, get lost in them, and forget about everything he had ever said to Isabella.
But I didn't have a box of notes from James.
I mostly had emails and texts. And the few handwritten notes I did have weren't anything like this.
They were telling me he had gone for a run.
Or to remind me about a dinner we had to go to.
James was my first love. He was my only love. But I wasn't his. He had made it seem like I was. At least his first love like this. A great love. The kind you see in movies and read about in books. But it didn't seem like I was.
I didn't know him at all.