Devotion - Chapter 3
Friday
My Uber was going to arrive any minute to take me to the airport.
The car was going to come to the coffee shop.
Up until this point I had avoided it. I had walked all around campus, remembering, savoring the happy and sad memories, the joy and the pain.
I was filled up with fleeting images of James.
It was time to go. I couldn't stay here living like this.
It felt like déjà vu walking toward the coffee shop.
I had walked this path so many times. Good and bad memories flooded back to me in a rush.
I wanted to focus on the good, but my mind wouldn't let me.
It was like I was transported back in time to when James had broken up with me back at school.
Only this was worse. He didn't need time now.
What he did need was someone that wasn't me. Someone better.
I was numb before, walking through the rain and mist, but now the ache in my chest was all I could feel.
I wanted to think about meeting him for the first time.
I stopped outside the coffee shop. It was open now and locals were inside, enjoying their Friday mornings.
But all I could see was James bursting through the door on that day that changed my life.
His hands had steadied me. He had always grounded me.
He was always there to catch me when it felt like I was falling. I was falling now. Where was he?
I closed my eyes and I pictured the rose petals on the floor.
I could imagine the candles on the tables perfectly.
I could see James down on one knee. His words were all around me.
Promises of a future. Confessions of his feelings.
He talked about how hard he had fallen for me.
Had he lied? I turned around and looked out at the falling rain.
I didn't feel defeated anymore. I was angry.
How could he throw away what we had? How could he do this to me?
I had given him everything I could. I had given him every single piece of me.
I pulled my phone out of my purse. He said he didn't want to see me, but I'd make him hear my voice.
Didn't we owe it to ourselves to talk this out?
I dialed the number for our apartment. His apartment.
This time, he'd listen to me. I'd make him listen to me.
After several rings, the voicemail came on.
It was a cheery message with both of us talking.
It ended with me saying, "and the future Mrs. Hunter.
" Stupid, naive, pathetic girl. The voicemail beeped, signaling that it was time to leave a message.
"Answer the phone, James. Talk to me! Don't cut me out like I meant nothing.
Please!" My voice cracked. "James, please.
You're supposed to believe me. You're supposed to trust me!
Answer the fucking phone! Listen to what I have to say.
Stop pretending like I mean nothing to you.
Stop pushing me away! Pick up!" I was choking on my words.
"Damn it, James, pick up the phone. Please. "
"He's not here, Penny."
My heart starting beating fast. I hadn't realized that someone had answered the phone. "Mason? Is that you?"
"Hey." He sounded pissed. "You can stop yelling now."
"Put him on, Mason. Please, I have to talk to him."
"No, I mean, he's seriously not here. I'd force him to talk to you if he was."
"Where is he?"
"I don't know. I woke up this morning and he was gone."
Shit. "Have you looked for him?"
"What the fuck do you think I've been doing?" He sounded on edge.
"I'm sorry, I..."
"You shouldn't have walked out on him, Penny. He's a fucking mess because of you. Why would you leave him like that?"
"I didn't leave him. He kicked me out."
Mason sighed. "God, where the hell did he go? Where would he have gone?"
"I don't know." I looked behind me at the coffee shop.
"Maybe somewhere that we used to go together?
Maybe the Tavern on the Green? Or our old apartment?
He didn't sell it yet. He could have gone there.
" But those were all suggestions if he was missing me.
I wasn't sure if that was the case. The thought was chilling. I wrapped my free arm around myself.
"I already looked in both those places. Think, Penny."
My heart sunk. Then he definitely wasn't going somewhere to think about me. "Have you tried to call Isabella?" It pained me to say the words, but it was a possibility. A terrible, awful possibility.
"He wouldn't go there."
"How do you know?"
"Because he loves you."
"I'd try Isabella," I said. I thought back to our fight here on campus. He had broken up with me and he ran right back to her. It was always her. It had never been me. He had loved her and he had lied to me about it. Maybe he still did love her.
"Can you just come help me look?" Mason asked.
"I have a flight to catch."
"Where the hell are you going? Aren't you going to try to fix this? I spent all night trying to defend you, and now you're fucking leaving? What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Mason, I..."
"He's missing, Penny. I woke up at 6 a.m. and he was gone. He's not answering my calls. I can't find him anywhere. Something's wrong. I don't know what else to do here. Don't you care at all?"
"Of course I care."
"Then what the hell are you waiting for? Get your ass back here and help me find him, he needs you."
I swallowed hard. "He doesn't need me, Mason.
He needs you, his friends, his family. Not me.
He made that pretty clear last night. You weren't there.
You didn't hear what he said. He never needed me.
He just needed to realize what he already had.
You and Matt, Rob and Jen, his parents if he'd give them another chance.
He doesn't even love himself, I don't know why I ever thought he was capable of loving me. " My Uber car pulled up in front of me.
"Just because someone doesn't think they're capable of love, it doesn't mean they haven't loved. He's just...broken."
"And I can't fix him."
"That's bullshit and you know it."
"I have to go."
"Penny, don't give up on him. And what about me? And Bee? Rob and Jen and Matt? Do we mean nothing to you either? You said we were your family. You don't just walk out on family."
That's not fair. "When you find him, tell him I'll always love him. And that I'm sorry...about everything."
"Penny, don't..."
I hung up the phone. I had lost James. I had lost my new family.
Tyler was gone. Melissa would probably never speak to me again.
I had no one. Didn't Mason see that? Didn't he realize how much it killed me to walk away?
But that's what James wanted. He asked me to leave.
He never wanted to see me again. I had to go.
I had to disappear. I grabbed the door handle and climbed into the car.
"Where are you heading?" the driver asked.
Despite what Mason thought, I did care. That's why I was leaving. I looked down at the phone in my hand. What if James was hurt, though? What if something really was wrong? Mason sounded concerned. I would never forgive myself if something happened to him because of me. Because of what I had done.
I thought about what Tyler had said about going through your whole life wanting someone.
Why was I running away? That wasn't what I wanted.
I wanted to fight for James. He didn't know why I had done what I had.
He didn't understand that I was trying to protect him.
He didn't understand that I did it out of love.
And he was hurting. He was missing. This was my fault.
I needed to fix it. I needed to make him understand.
I needed to find him before it was too late.
Fuck. "I'm sorry," I said to the driver. "Just charge me whatever it would have cost."
"That's not how it works..."
But I was already climbing out of the car. I needed to talk to Rob. He'd know what to do. He'd know where to find James. He'd help me. He had to help me. I slammed the car door and turned back toward Rob's apartment.
And I ran straight into someone. No, not someone. All I could smell was him. All I could feel was his grip on my arms. James. It didn't feel real. I didn't want to look up and realize it was just a memory. I'd always be haunted by him. I'd never stop wanting him.
"You came here too." His voice was gruff, like he hadn't used it since he had woken up. Or maybe he had never slept. But it was definitely him. He had come back to me. He had been drawn to the coffee shop just like I had.
I looked up at his face. He was as soaked as me. Droplets of water clung to the scruff on his face. His eyes were red and there were dark circles underneath. But even when he looked a mess, he was still the most handsome man I had ever seen.
"James, I thought something had happened to you." I put my hands on both sides of his face. "Thank God you're okay."
He wiped his thumb under my eye, where I wasn't even aware a tear had fallen. "Why did you come here?"
I had the vague sense that maybe he had been walking around remembering too. Like he thought this was some kind of dream or nightmare too. "Where else would I have gone, James?"
"I thought you'd be with Tyler." The pain on his face made me want to cry.
But before I had a chance to say anything, he said, "Penny, I don't care why you did it.
I just need to know if you want me instead of him.
I need to know that you'll always choose me.
Please choose me. Please tell me I'm not too late. "
He really didn't know the truth. No one had told him. But he was still here. He still wanted me despite what he thought had happened, and that meant everything. "I'll always choose you."