Devotion - Chapter 18
Sunday
It didn't seem like it was him. Maybe that's how I was able to keep so calm. James looked pale and lifeless. A tube was down his throat and he had IVs in his arm. More wires disappeared underneath his hospital gown. He didn't look like James. He didn't look like my husband anymore.
"What is the tube for?" Rob said quietly.
"To help him breathe," the doctor said. "We want to put less pressure on his lung while it's healing."
"Is he breathing on his own?"
"Yes," the doctor said. "He's stable, he's just unresponsive."
I didn't know what any of that meant. But I didn't have any questions right now. I just needed James to know I was here for him. That's what he needed from me. To know I was here. To know I was being strong. "Can I hold his hand?"
The doctor nodded. I let go of Rob and slid my hand into James'.
It was warm, but lifeless. I was used to him squeezing my hand back.
I was used to him rubbing his thumb against my palm.
"James," I whispered. "I'm here. Wake up, baby.
Come back to me. Please." I knelt down and kissed the back of his hand. "Please, James."
"If you'd like the next two people to come in, I can go get them," the doctor said.
They couldn't make me leave him. I'd never leave him. "I'm staying," I said.
Rob put his hand on my shoulder. "Do you want me to send Jen in?"
I shook my head. "Please stay. He'd want you to stay." Don't leave me too.
"Okay." Rob grabbed a chair and pulled it toward me. I kept hold of James' hand as I got off my knees. I was vaguely aware of Rob pulling a chair up to the other side of James and grabbing his other hand.
And we both sat there, holding James' hands. We didn't say anything else. There was nothing to say. James knew we were here. That was enough.
***
I woke up with my stomach in knots. I was going to be sick. I put my hand over my mouth and ran toward the bathroom. I had just opened the lid of the toilet when I threw up everything I had eaten last night. Fuck. I grabbed my stomach as I hurled some more.
"Penny?" Rob said and tapped on the bathroom door. "Penny, are you okay?"
Of course I'm okay. I'm not the one sitting in a hospital bed with three gunshot wounds. Tears stung my eyes again. "I'm fine." Be strong.
I choked as more vomit came up.
"Penny?" Rob banged on the door a little louder. "I'm coming in."
I heard the door open. I looked away as I grabbed some toilet paper to wipe my face off.
Rob kneeled down beside me and lightly touched my shoulder. "I'm going to go get the doctor."
"No, I'm fine."
"You're not fine."
I swallowed down anything else that wanted to come up. "I am." My stomached seemed to churn. Shit. I turned to the toilet and threw up some more.
Rob rubbed my back and helped me stand up when I had finally finished emptying my body of every horrid thing possible. He left me alone as I washed my face. I knew he was going to get a doctor despite what I had said.
When I walked out of the bathroom, James' doctor was already standing there. She was looking at a chart and jotting down something on James' monitor.
"How is he?"
She looked up. "The same." She set her clipboard down on the counter by his bed. "How about you come with me for a second?"
"I'd like to stay with him."
"He's more likely to get sick now without his spleen. Spleens help fight bacteria. Right now he can't be exposed to any viruses. We'll be giving him some vaccines if his condition improves."
If. I looked at Rob. He was sitting beside James again. I wasn't going to risk making James any worse. It killed me, but I followed the doctor out of the room.
"My stomach has been upset the last few days. But otherwise, I'm fine. And I feel better now that I threw up. I think it was the wedding and then...this."
The doctor didn't say anything as she opened a door for me.
I followed her inside.
"Please sit down," she said.
I sat down in the chair she gestured to.
She ran a thermometer across my forehead.
"Normal," she said. "Stick out your tongue for me.
" She poked my tongue with a wooden thing.
"Normal," she said. She pulled out a small light from her coat pocket and checked the back of my throat and my ears.
"All normal." She frowned for a second. "You said you feel fine now? "
"Yes." I did. After throwing up I felt so much better. I just wanted to be with James.
"Have you been feeling any differently than usual besides for the upset stomach?"
"A little emotional, maybe. But I was just nervous about getting married. This whole week has been a little overwhelming."
She nodded. "Okay, here's what I'm going to do. Let's run a blood test and a urine test really quick. If you come back clean, you'll be allowed to go see him again."
"And if I don't?"
"We'll give you whatever medicine you need to improve your condition and once you're well, you can see him again. It's just a precaution." She was already preparing a needle.
I turned away as she sunk it into my arm. The last thing I needed was to be sick right now. James needed me.
She placed a band aid over the spot she had just taken blood from and handed me a small cup. "Pee in that." She gestured to the bathroom.
This was ridiculous. What sickness could they see from my urine? I closed the bathroom door and quickly peed into the cup. The sooner this nonsense was over with, the sooner I could be back by James' side. I walked out of the bathroom and handed her the cup.
"I'll be right back," she said and left the room.
I went back into the bathroom and washed my hands again.
It still felt like I was covered in blood.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
Be strong. I scrubbed my hands and arms until my skin was red again.
I wiped away the tears that had formed in my eyes.
Be strong. James needed me. I wasn't going to be sick.
I wasn't going to do anything but be by his side until he woke up.
Not if. When. I took a deep breath and walked out of the bathroom.
"Well, you don't have an infection."
"Thank God. Can I go see him again?"
"I think maybe you should take a seat."
I shook my head. I wasn't sick. She couldn't make me stay in here.
No, she didn't say I wasn't sick. She said I didn't have an infection.
Normally my mind would be racing from possibilities.
But I was tired. And upset. And completely focused on James.
Nothing she said was going to sway that.
Whatever horrible thing she was about to tell me, it wouldn't change that.
And I knew it was horrible. She was looking at me like she pitied me.
I didn't need her pity. I needed to see my husband.
"Please let me go see him. Whatever this is, it can wait. " I started to walk past her.
"It can't wait. I'm sorry, but it can't."
I folded my arms across my chest. "What's wrong with me?"
She gave me a small smile. "Nothing's wrong with you. Penny, you're pregnant."
Suddenly my throat felt dry. I tried to clear it. "What?"
The doctor smiled again, but it didn't quite reach her eyes. "You were experiencing morning sickness. And your fluctuating hormones were probably the cause of you feeling more emotional than usual."
No. This can't be happening.
"If you'd like, I can send a nurse in to do an ultrasound to tell you how far along you are. But based on the morning sickness, you're at least a few weeks."
"I'm not pregnant. Can you do the test again?"
"Your blood test and urine test both confirm it."
I can't be pregnant. Not now. How did this happen?
"I can send in a counselor if you'd like. I know this isn't exactly the ideal time for this news when your husband is in recovery."
"No." I shook my head. "I just need to go see him."
"Okay." She nodded. "Just tell me if you need someone to talk to. You can go see him now."
My feet didn't move. Now I understood the pity in her eyes. She pitied me because I was pregnant and my husband was dying. She knows he's dying. "Is James going to be okay?" I didn't have the courage to ask anyone that yet. But I needed to know.
"It's up to him to wake up now. We've done everything we can."
"What's the likelihood of that happening?"
The doctor pressed her lips together. "In his state, 50/50."
A fifty percent chance? I swallowed hard. "Thank you." That was finally something I understood. There was a 50 percent chance my husband would wake up. There was a 50 percent chance that my baby would meet his or her father. Fifty/Fifty. "Thank you," I said again.
She may have said something else, but I didn't hear her.
I walked as quickly as I could back to James' room.
I needed him. And now this baby needed him.
His baby. I couldn't live without him. I couldn't raise a child without him.
The thought made me feel nauseous again.
James didn't want this baby. He didn't want to be a father yet. How did this happen?
"Are you okay?" Rob said as I walked back into the room.
"I'm okay," I said, and didn't look him in the eye. I sat back down next to James and grabbed his hand. Wake up. You have to wake up!
"I know you're lying."
I looked up at Rob.
He wasn't supposed to be the first person I told that I was pregnant. It was supposed to be James. It had to be James. "Wake up," I whispered. I started to silently cry again as I clutched his lifeless hand.
"What did the doctor say?" Rob said.
"I'm not sick."
"Penny, what did she say?"
If I had learned anything the past few days, it was that I had family and friends that I could count on no matter what.
I didn't want to cut anyone out anymore.
And I needed to tell someone before the agony swallowed me whole.
Because now it wasn't just me that needed James.
It was this baby inside of me that needed a father.
I wanted to be strong, but I didn't know if I was strong enough for all three of us.
But I couldn't do it. I needed to tell James alone.
Rob sighed. "You can talk to me. You can tell me anything, Penny, you know that."
I nodded. I'd tell him soon, but I had to tell James first. "Can I be alone with him for a second?"
"I'll go give everyone an update." Rob stood up and stretched.
"The doctor said he has a 50 percent chance of waking up." I didn't look up at Rob. I just stared at James' face.
"He's going to wake up," Rob said. "I know he will. I'll be right back." I heard the door close behind him.
My lip started to tremble and I pressed my forehead against the back of James' hand.
"James, please wake up. I need you to wake up.
" The beeping of the machine was driving me crazy.
I knew it meant he was alive. But it was teasing me.
He was alive, but he wasn't here with me.
"I know you can hear me," I said. I lifted my head.
"Baby, I know you can hear me." I stood up and leaned forward, kissing his forehead.
I took a deep breath. James didn't want children yet.
But I knew if he was awake, he'd be excited.
He'd want this one. He or she would be good and kind and loving just like him.
I kissed his forehead again. "I'm pregnant.
" I ran my fingers through his hair. "We're going to have a baby. " My voice cracked on the last word.
It killed me to see him like this. It made my chest hurt. I wanted to see him smile again. I wanted to hear his laugh.
"Come back to me. Please come back to me."
***
I didn't hear what anyone said as they filtered in and out of the room. I just kept my hand in James' and continued to whisper to him.
"Mrs. Hunter, we need to have a word with you."
I didn't look up.
"Mrs. Hunter?"
I slowly lifted my head. It was a police officer. Not the same one as we had met from the precinct. But similar enough. I immediately hated him. I had a tendency to blame myself, but this was their fault too. They wouldn't listen to us about Isabella. They wouldn't let us get a restraining order.
"I have nothing to say to you."
"Well, I have some questions for you."
"Get out."
"Excuse me?"
"Get out." I had never heard myself sound so authoritative before. But the officer almost seemed to shrink at my words.
"Another time then," the officer said and retreated out of the room.
I saw Porter standing outside the room. He turned his head and we made eye contact for a second. I could see it in his eyes. He felt guilty for what happened. But I couldn't talk to him right now. I couldn't talk to anyone. My own guilt was eating me up.
I ran my hand across my stomach. How had I let this happen? The pain was too much. I was sinking. Only James could save me. I put my forehead on his hand. Please wake up.