Devotion - Chapter 33
Thursday
"I'm sorry," James said as soon as I walked back into his room. He was lying in his bed again. He looked completely out of energy.
"Me too." He didn't invite me, but I climbed up onto his bed anyway and rested my head on his shoulder.
He immediately put his arm around me, placing his hand firmly on my hip. I hadn't realized how much I had missed this. I needed his touch. Somehow it was the only thing that sustained me.
"I'm so sorry," I said. "With everything that's happened...I was just so overwhelmed. But all that really matters is that everyone's okay."
"What about us? Are we okay?"
"Just because I'm mad at you doesn't mean I don't love you. I'll always love you."
He stayed silent. I listened to the sound of his heart beating.
It seemed to be the only thing that could calm me down recently.
My emotions were everywhere. The doctor had said that was normal.
Apparently my hormones were crazy right now.
She had even said the word crazy, which made me feel even crazier.
"I should have told you about the baby," James said.
"I don't like to think about that time in my life.
It's hard for me. And when Isabella lost the baby, that was hard too.
Especially because I never really believed her.
I thought she had been lying about being pregnant.
And when she lost the baby I felt so guilty for never accepting it in the first place.
For being mad at it. That baby was just another reason why I had to marry her.
I still feel awful about what happened. I still feel guilty for never wanting it in the first place. "
"James, she was never pregnant."
"She was. And I'm sorry I didn't tell you..."
"No, she lied. She told me that she faked it. All of it."
He exhaled slowly. "God, I'm such an idiot."
I lifted my head so I could face him. "She's very convincing. I understand why you believed her."
"I should have known. I had already suspected it. But then I was so blinded by my guilt. Fuck, she must have seen that too." He looked up at the ceiling.
"You would have been a good father."
He laughed, exasperated. "No. That's the whole thing, Penny.
I didn't even want it. I think I proved that I'd be a terrible father.
Everything else I told you is true too, though.
How I'm worried about being like my dad.
How I'm worried I won't be present because of my own issues. I'd make a shitty father."
"That's not true."
"I like it just being the two of us. Father's have to be selfless. And I'm too selfish. I want you all to myself." He kissed the top of my head.
I blinked away my tears. "James, you are selfless. Everything you do is to protect me. That's kind of the whole reason we were fighting in the first place."
"I'm not selfless. Being an addict has put my family through so much pain. A selfless person wouldn't have done that. I wouldn't have been so consumed with my own pain that I stopped caring about everyone else."
"Everyone makes mistakes."
"You don't. You're perfect."
I laughed. "I'm not perfect."
"No." He tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. "If you were perfect, you'd be kissing me right now. Because we haven't kissed since our wedding day."
I put my hand on the side of his face. "James, I'm sorry about earlier. I'm just so happy that you're awake. I'm so happy that..."
He grabbed the back of my head and lowered my face toward his until our lips met.
It was everything I had been missing. He had looked completely spent, but his kiss made it seem like he wasn't. I let myself melt into him.
I tried to completely forget the horrific events of the day.
But there was still one thing bothering me.
I pressed my forehead against his and breathed him in. "James, why did you have a DNR? It hurt me so much to find that out. I just don't understand why you'd have that."
"I don't know why you keep saying that." He ran his finger across my lower lip. "I don't have one."
I lifted my face away from his. "You do. Your lawyer had the forms."
He lowered his eyebrows. "I had one. Years ago. Before I met you. Because I wasn't happy in my life. Because I didn't have anything I cared about. But I got rid of it when I moved to Newark and filed for divorce. I was trying to start over. I'd never have one now. You know that."
"I don't know what to tell you. You do have one.
The hospital is worried that you're going to sue them for restarting your heart.
I had to beg the doctor. And if she didn't know.
.." I cleared my throat. I'd tell him on his birthday.
Not right now. "If she hadn't made that decision, you would have died. "
"Well, the lawyer was wrong."
"Rob basically harassed him trying to get him to change it. He was rather insistent that he couldn't." Isabella's words came back to me. When I had asked her who was working with her. "Does Isabella have the same lawyer as you?"
"No. I got a new lawyer during our divorce."
"I bet she somehow convinced your lawyer to change it."
"He'd get disbarred. There's no reason why he'd agree to that."
"Yes there is. Money."
James nodded.
"We need to talk to the police."
"Isabella is in jail. Right now we're safe. And I'm exhausted. We can talk to them in the morning. Please."
"Of course." I rested my head back down on his shoulder.
"Don't leave this time." He yawned.
"I won't. I promise."