The Light to My Darkness - Chapter 18
Thursday
"James, what are you doing?" I put my hand out to block the lens of the video camera he was holding. I had just collapsed onto the couch after getting the least amount of butterflies in my net. And I was sweaty and gross from the exertion.
James continued filming me.
"Really, James." I held up my other hand, hoping it was enough.
"Scarlett, go tickle Mommy," he said.
I started laughing as soon as Scarlett jumped onto my lap.
I laughed even harder when Axel hit me in the back of the head with a pillow and Sophie joined in on the tickling session.
"Cut it out, you guys!" I said through fits of giggles.
It took me several minutes to get all three kids back on the ground.
James stepped closer to me with the camera. What was he doing? I picked up one of the throw pillows and tossed it at him.
He laughed and caught it in his free hand before joining me on the couch. I grabbed the camera out of his hands and pointed the lens at him. "You thought it would be fun to film me not being able to breathe?" I was staring into the little monitor on the camera. I slowly zoomed up on his face.
"No," he said.
Something about the way he said no made me look back up at him instead of at the screen.
"I just wanted to capture your laughter on film."
The same chill that Scar had given me when she was talking about snakes ran back down my spine.
Did everyone think I was doomed? I looked back down at the screen on the video camera.
"Why?" I asked. For some reason not staring directly at him made my question easier.
I watched his eyebrows lower on the screen.
I watched a dark expression cross over his face, one that I had never seen before. Again I felt a chill down my spine.
"Because I wanted to capture my favorite sound. It's the only thing that truly makes me happy," he said slowly.
I looked back up at him. He wanted to capture my laughter on film.
So that when I died, he could listen to it?
I swallowed hard. I wasn't going to die.
I was going to live long enough to see my daughter lie again.
And to keep seeing him laugh. I looked down at the camera.
"I don't think that's true, James," I said as I slowly got up off the couch. "Get 'em kids!"
The three kids launched themselves on James and started tickling him.
His laughter rippled through the awkward silence his words had left.
I looked down at the camera and smiled. That sound made me happy too.
But so did Scarlett's laughter. And Soph's.
And Axel's. Before I gave birth to my son, I'd need James to promise me what he currently refused to promise.
I refused to go into labor before he promised me that he would keep living if I stopped.
That he would keep laughing. That he would keep our children smiling.
I switched off the camera and joined in on the tickle fight.
***
My chest hurt again. The pain was keeping me up.
Or maybe it was something else. I just had this eerie feeling ever since Scarlett had mentioned that a snake was going to take me away.
I had read that book probably a dozen times and seen the movie half as many.
The snake talked to Harry. Was Scar hearing voices?
James turned away from me in his sleep. I propped myself up on my elbow and stared at him.
He was always so happy around Scar. Why did she fear that he wouldn't be a good father if I was gone?
It didn't make any sense. I reached out and traced James' tattoo with my finger.
The pulse. The reminder that his heart beat for me.
But our family was three now, instead of two.
And it was about to grow to four. He should have Scarlett's birth date under the date he met me.
His heart beat for all of us. I let my fingers fall from his skin.
"Penny," he breathed out, like he felt the absence of my touch.
"Promise me." The words tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop them. But I had spoken them in a whisper. At first, I thought he may not have even heard me. Or maybe he just didn't remember what I was asking of him.
He rolled over so that he was facing me. "No." He looked completely alert, like he hadn't been sleeping at all. His mind must have been tossing and turning as much as mine.
"But Scarlett..."
"She looks just like you," he said, cutting me off. As if that was a reasonable response.
"She has your eyes." I reached out and gently touched the side of his face. "I don't understand your point."
He smiled and turned his head to kiss my palm. "I'm worried that if something happens to you, I won't be able to look at her."
"Don't say that." I turned his face back to mine.
He pressed his lips together. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."
Didn't we need to? "Today Scarlett said she thought a snake was going to take me away. It was like she could feel our fear. We're scaring her, and I don't think it's just the movie choices she's making."
"She's just a kid. Kid's say weird things. She doesn't understand what's going on."
"She has your eyes. And she also has your intelligence, James. I'm almost positive I wasn't as smart as she is when I was three and a half. She gets that from you. And she can tell something is off."
He lowered his eyebrows slightly but didn't say a word.
I was tempted to tell him what Scarlett had said about him.
But I stayed silent too. It just reinforced the fact that he might not be the best father if something happened to me.
I didn't want fear in Scarlett's heart and I didn't want it in James' either.
"Do you think maybe there's a snake in her bedroom? "
James' smile returned. "The way Ellen cleans, she would have found it by now."
"That's true." My eyes drifted down to his smile. "I need you to stop doing things like recording my laughter on camera. You're putting bad vibes out into the world, and I don't want any part in it."
He laughed. "Bad vibes?"
"Remember, I'm a believer in fate. I'm a believer in vibes too. You knew what you were getting into when you married me." I lightly tapped on his chest.
"Yes. I certainly did." He leaned forward and placed a kiss against my lips. His hand slowly wandered down my back. "Why did you stop sleeping in my old t-shirts?" He kissed the side of my jaw.
I was wearing one of my silk nightgowns that matched my robe. "We stopped having sex in the middle of the night. I was worried it was because you thought I wasn't trying anymore."
He kissed the top of my shoulder. "We stopped having sex in the middle of the night because that little monster you created downstairs wears us out."
"That I created?" I laughed. "She's all you."
"I beg to differ. And, baby, I've always thought you looked better in my clothes than I did." He kissed between my breasts.
"Yeah, when I wasn't the size of a whale."
"I've said it before and I'll say it again. I think you're beautiful when you're pregnant." He kissed my stomach. "If it was up to me, you'd be pregnant all the time."
"You want me to have a huge stomach all the time?"
"It's just more of you to kiss."
I couldn't repress my smile. God, he was the sweetest man I had ever met. The feeling of his hands pushing the silk up my thighs made my smile grow.
"Being pregnant also makes you so fucking horny."
He was the sweetest, but he was also the sexiest and had the dirtiest mouth.
Oh God. And his mouth was currently devouring me. The feeling of his tongue inside of me made my back arch. His fingers against my clit made me stifle a moan. I closed my eyes as I let the sensation of his love start to overtake me. But suddenly his lips were gone.
"See," he whispered, his hot breath still close enough to make me even wetter. "So fucking horny," he said.
"Yes, okay? I'm horny." Damn it, why was he torturing me? "So how about you stop teasing me and give me your cock."
He raised his left eyebrow. "I do like when you tell me what you want. However, the answer is...no." He climbed off the bed.
What was he doing? He isn't seriously going to leave me like this? "Why do you always say no to me recently?"
"By saying no to you right now," he cupped his hands beneath my thighs and pulled me to the edge of the bed, "I'm going to have you screaming a whole lot of yes."
He knelt down in front of me. I closed my eyes, waiting to feel him once again, but instead I heard a soft knock on our bedroom door.
"You've got to be kidding me," James groaned.
I slid away from his hands, pulling my nightgown back in place. "I'll take care of it. Just, hold that thought, okay?" I quickly climbed out of bed. "And get under the covers to hide...that." I pointed to his erection that was extremely evident through his boxers.
James sighed and climbed back into bed.
I opened up the door. Axel was standing there with a worn puppy dog stuffed animal in his hand. He looked up at me with his big blue eyes.
"Aunt Penny?" He looked so sad. But at least he wasn't crying.
"Axel, sweetie, what's wrong?" I crouched down in front of him.
"I miss my mommy."
"I know. But you'll see her tomorrow morning right after you wake up." I pushed his hair away from his forehead. "How about we go back downstairs and I'll tuck you in again?"
"I want to say goodnight to my mommy."
"Sweetie, it's..." I looked over my shoulder at the alarm clock. "It's past 3 o'clock in the morning. Your parents are asleep."
His lip started to quiver and he began blinking faster. A single tear ran down his cheek.
"You know what?" I tapped the tip of his nose. "We can try to call them. How about that?"
He nodded furiously.