A Whirlwind of Color - Chapter 13
Friday
I looked over my shoulder to see the two security guards following us through the winding paths of Central Park. “Do they always accompany us when we leave the apartment?” I asked.
He nodded.
“So we’re always in danger of something? Or someone?”
“Not necessarily. I may be a little overprotective of you. And especially when we’re apart, I worry.” He squeezed my hand.
I think he meant the action to be comforting. But his words made him seem overbearing. I hadn’t been allowed to leave the house today without him. What else wasn’t I allowed to do without his permission?
“But are we in danger now?” I asked.
He sighed. It sounded so heavy, like he had been holding it back for years. “I honestly don’t know anymore.”
“You promised you’d answer my questions, James.”
“And I will. Are you hungry?” He had stopped in front of the restaurant he’d pointed out yesterday. The one with the huge tree that we apparently got married under.
It really was breathtakingly beautiful. There were a few wedding pictures in our apartment and I truly had looked happy.
Painfully happy. That was the only way to describe it.
I had been smiling so much it looked like my face probably hurt for days.
And it was painful now to look at, because I couldn’t remember a single second of it.
Weddings were known to be one of the best days of a person’s life.
My best day was still when I got my acceptance to The University of New Castle.
I had never been so excited. Did my wedding day top that?
Was it as perfect as everyone claimed it would be?
“No, I’m good,” I said. I didn’t want to sit under that tree and eat lunch with him.
Not just because not remembering made me uncomfortable.
But because it would be hard for him. I got why he brought me here.
I understood what he was doing. Even if I hadn’t overheard his conversation with Rob, I would have known he was trying to trigger my memories.
But I had no memories of him. I just…didn’t.
He looked pained that I wasn’t trying. Or maybe he was just in pain.
“What happened to us, James?” The expression on his face made me want to cry. I wanted to hug him and fight away all his demons. I wished that everything that came out of my mouth didn’t hurt him so much.
He pulled me over to a bench outside of the restaurant and we both sat down. He grabbed my hands, cradling them between his, like he was worried I’d try to flee if he let go. I thought about my go-bag hidden in the back of his closet. Would it crush him when I left? Would he eventually heal?
James ran his thumb along the back of my hand. I found it oddly comforting. It pulled me out of my thoughts. I stared into his eyes, willing myself to remember a past I wasn’t sure I even believed was real.
“We were happy, Penny.”
That wasn’t what he had said to his brother. He said he caught me crying all the time. It sounded to me like I had been depressed. “You used the past tense. Is that because you’re not happy now? Or does it go further back than that?”
He glanced over at the tree. I could tell that memories were flashing through his mind. Glimpses of us.
I felt like he was lulling me into a false sense of security. He was making me feel safe. But I felt like whatever he was about to say was going to terrify me. “James.”
He pulled himself out of his memories and looked back at me. “I’m going to start at the beginning.” He continued to rub his thumb along the back of my hand. “We met outside of class. You literally fell into my arms.”
I laughed. “I’m not the most graceful person.”
“I don’t think it had anything to do with that. I think we were meant to run into each other that day. I needed you in my life. And I like to think that you needed me too.”
His words made my chest hurt. I had never heard anything so romantic in my life. “You’re a believer in fate?”
“I wasn’t. But then I met you. You changed everything, Penny.” His Adam’s apple rose and fell. “Every single thing.”
“How?”
“I…” He leaned forward slightly. “I wasn’t whole before I met you.”
Everything he was saying was romantic. Yet vague. And rather cliché. I wanted to hear him out, but he wasn’t giving me any details. “So…you were a single professor looking for love on campus?”
“No.” He looked like I had slapped him. He let his hands fall from mine. “It wasn’t like that.”
“Because we met outside of class? After you found out you were my professor, shouldn’t you have forgotten about me?”
“You made that impossible.”
“Me? I find that hard to believe.”
“We kept running into each other outside of class. And when we were in class, you flirted with me. You showed up at my office hours unannounced. You ingrained yourself in my mind and wouldn’t leave.”
“You’re saying that it’s my fault? You were the adult in the situation.”
“I’m not saying it was your fault. This is coming out wrong.
” He grabbed my hands again. “Penny, I tried to do the right thing. But I couldn’t stop thinking about you.
You completely possessed me. It was hard enough keeping you out of my thoughts during the day, but then at night I’d dream of you in my bed with me.
I couldn’t control it. And I didn’t just want you.
It felt like I needed you in my life. Like you were the answer to all my problems. It wasn’t your fault at all.
It was mine. I could have squashed your flirtations.
I could have ignored you. I could have not flirted back.
But I didn’t. I wanted you to want me despite how wrong it was.
And I still have a hard time thinking about what I did.
I know it was wrong. But I don’t regret it either because I don’t know how to live without you. ”
I didn’t have the heart to tell him he should regret it. That he tore me away from the school I loved. From the town I loved. From everything I knew. “If you loved me as much as you say, why didn’t we just wait? I could have finished school there.”
“We were going to. But it got complicated rather quickly. I was going through a divorce and…”
“You’ve been married before?” I never in my life thought I’d be someone’s second choice in the end. I had been second my whole life. The thought of Austin blowing me off made me want to cry. I'd gone from one jerk to the next.
“I never loved her. It wasn’t like our relationship at all.”
“If you didn’t love her then why did you marry her?” I didn’t know why I was jealous. I didn’t even like James. But my mind was already running a million miles a second. Was she prettier than me? Skinnier? Did she still have all her memories intact?
“My parents were very controlling. And I…” he let his voice trail off. “I was numb to the world. I had given up on happiness at a pretty early age. My life was laid out for me. And I didn’t fight it like I should have.”
“Why were you numb to the world?”
“Penny, I wanted to talk about how in love we are and how perfect we are for each other. I brought you here to try and help remind you…”
“I don’t want to be given some lies about how our life was a fairytale, James. I overheard you talking to Rob. You said I wasn’t happy. I don’t want to hear some dream you made up…”
“I didn’t make any of this up. We were happy. Baby, we were so happy.”
“Then why were you numb to the world?”
“That was before I met you…”
“But it’s still a part of who you are. You can’t tell me the good and keep away the bad. You said you’d be honest with me. And I want to know about this.”
“I was depressed, okay?” He stood up, like the idea of being so close to me made it hard for him to breathe. “Before I became a professor, I was working at a job I hated with a wife I loathed. I contemplated ending my miserable life.”
I looked up at him. “So what changed?” Don’t say me. Don’t say I saved you. His conversation with Rob tumbled through my head. Don’t put it all on me.
“I turned to teaching because it was something I was actually passionate about.”
I breathed a sigh of relief.
“But I gave it up for you. Because you’re the only thing I love in this world more.”
Damn it.
“I swear to you, Penny, we were so happy.”
“So why’d we stop being happy?”
“Because you’re everything to me. But I’m not enough for you.” He ran his fingers through his hair as he looked over at the tree. “I was broken when I met you. I’ve had issues with substance abuse and depression. My life was a series of bad events until you fell into my arms.”
I’m married to a divorced addict? God. Had I known about his issues all along? Or had he hidden them from me like he had been trying to do now? I watched a tear slide down his cheek before he quickly brushed it away. And suddenly my questions didn’t matter.
“You’ve always been the light to my darkness, Penny.” He continued to stare at the tree instead of me. “And I think you finally realized that you deserved more light in your life than a man like me could possibly give you.”
My heart shattered. I didn’t even know him, but his words broke me. I felt big, fat tears roll down my cheeks. “You know…I think I could eat. If you still want to.” I wiped the tears away before he turned back toward me.
He smiled like I was giving him hope. And I’m pretty sure he pieced my heart back together just as quickly as he shattered it.
In that moment, I knew I was in trouble with this man. Because my heart seemed to know it belonged to him, even though my mind didn’t remember. He killed me and brought me back to life in a matter of seconds. And I was even more terrified of him than before.