A Whirlwind of Color - Chapter 21 #2
The way he said it made me blush. I was suddenly very aware of the fact that he had already seen me naked.
He had already had me in the most intimate way.
I didn’t remember, but he did. He knew me.
He knew my body. He knew everything about me.
I took another sip of wine. I felt so nervous under his gaze.
"So why is it that you don't feel like you're interesting?" he asked.
I gulped and looked up at him. It was because of Austin and all the times that he made me feel insignificant. "Honestly, you're the first person that's ever made me feel like I'm the only girl in the room. I'm not used to feeling like I matter."
Jerrod came in to take our order. I looked back down at the menu. I scanned the options for something that wouldn't get stuck in my teeth. James reached his hand out and grabbed mine again.
"Penny, the crab cakes are wonderful here."
I breathed a sigh of relief. He truly did know me. I loved crab cakes. I smiled, relieved that I didn't have to choose. "That sounds perfect."
James ordered for us. When Jerrod left the room, James put his elbows on the table and leaned in slightly. "When we're together, I can assure you that I don't see anyone else in the room. You always have my undivided attention."
"That must have made grading other student's speeches quite difficult." I wasn’t sure what made me say it. But it seemed like it would be true. I still didn’t understand how I could have possibly dated a professor. It seemed outlandish.
James laughed. "It did. It was almost impossible."
His words should have comforted me, but all I seemed to be able to focus on was when he had said, "when we're together." I was reminded of his ex-wife. His pumpkin. He was clearly talking to her this morning. He still loved her. I could feel it. I didn’t have his undivided attention. And I didn’t understand why he was lying. I was giving him an out. Why was he fighting for us if I wasn’t even the one that he wanted?
James reached in his pocket, pulled out a penny, and slid it across the table. "A penny for your thoughts?"
I laughed. “Very funny.” I said it sarcastically, but I was still smiling.
This was why we were here. To talk about what we wanted.
“Austin didn’t believe in labels. I’m used to not being put first. You say all these things like I have your undivided attention.
..” I let my voice trail off. I had no right to be questioning him.
But I couldn’t seem to stop. “But I know you’re seeing someone else.
Your conversation after our dinner the other night?
Whoever you were talking to this morning?
You’re in love with someone else. Why are you pursuing me?
I’m giving you an out. You can go back to your ex-wife if that’s what you really want. It’s okay.”
He looked down at our intertwined fingers. “You’re worried about my ex-wife?”
“I’m not worried about her at all.” Well, maybe a little. “I just think maybe you’re still in love with her.”
“I never loved her.” He locked eyes with me. “I already told you that.”
“And yet…the phone calls. It’s obvious that you still care for her.”
“Penny, there is no other woman in my life.”
“You don’t have to lie.”
“I’m not lying. I’ll prove it.” He pulled out his phone. He showed me the screen as he clicked on Rob’s name and put it on speaker phone.
“Hey, you on your way back yet?” Rob asked.
“Hey, pumpkin,” James said and then awkwardly cleared his throat. “Not yet, but we’ll be heading back soon.”
Rob laughed. “Um…okay, honey muffin. Cutie pie. Buttercup. Snickerdoodle. I could go on. But why exactly are we doing this?”
“Because we always call each other cute names,” James said. “You know. Since forever.” There was an edge in his voice.
“Whatever you say, sugar buns.”
“Okay, I’m going to go now,” James said. “See you in a bit.”
“Later, Cuddles. Crap, I ran out of good ones.”
“Bye…pumpkin.” James ended the call and slid his phone back into his pocket.
I just stared at him.
“See,” he said.
“See what? That was the most awkward conversation in the world.”
He shook his head. “Nope. That was normal. It’s just what Rob and I do.”
“I can tell that you’re lying. That whole thing was just bizarre. It proved my point, if anything. He had no idea why you were calling him pumpkin. Just admit that you’re still in love with your ex-wife and let’s call it a day.”
“I’m not.”
“Yes you are.”
He lowered both his eyebrows as he stared at me.
“Is it so hard to tell me the truth?”
He exhaled slowly. “My ex-wife is dead, Penny.”
God, his life was a disaster. So much hurt and I just kept stabbing him. Figuratively, of course. I felt like a monster. “You’re a widower?”
He shook his head. “No. She died after we were divorced. Actually, it was shortly after you and I got married.”
“Oh.” Oh? What kind of reaction was that? I was supposed to say sorry for your loss. Or something heartfelt. But if he was telling the truth, he didn’t love her. Surely he cared that she died though? “What happened?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“It does to me.” I stared at him, willing him to tell me his story. I wanted to know everything about him, yet nothing at all.
He sighed and broke his eye contact with me. “She tried to have me killed.”
“On our wedding night?” I knew that he had been shot on our wedding night, but I didn’t know the story. His ex-wife? Seriously? That was insane.
“She was a monster.”
I bit the inside of my lip. I had just thought of myself as a monster. Was I the same as his ex-wife? I shook away the thought. I had never tried to kill anyone. I was just tiptoeing around breaking James’ heart.
“And when she didn’t succeed, she came after you. Briggs shot and killed her when she attacked us again.”
I swallowed hard. Apparently my life was always in danger when I was with him. “So you’re not cheating on me?” I didn’t even know why those words spilled out. Maybe it was the wine. But maybe I truly wanted to know how strong our relationship was.
“Penny, I would never, ever cheat on you. You’re my whole world. I swear to you, I have always been faithful. I’ve never ever thought about cheating on you. All I ever think about is you. You’re it for me. As soon as I met you, my heart was yours.”
He was staring at me so intently I felt like I was going to combust. I wasn’t sure what compelled me to do it, but I reached my foot out and rubbed it against his shin.
I wanted to be close to him. I wanted to taste him.
I wanted to see every inch of him. Fuck, what am I doing?
I was about to move away when James reached under the table and put his hand on my thigh.
His touch made me feel numb, yet set my whole body on fire at the same time. God, he owned me. I didn’t remember a thing about him, but his touch possessed me. My body remembered him, even though my mind didn’t.
I swallowed hard. “James.” I stared at him.
“I don’t…I’ve never…” This wasn’t coming out right.
My mind was screaming at me to excuse myself to the restroom to try and clear my head.
But I couldn’t deny the fact that my body desperately wanted him.
I wanted to beg him to make love to me. I wanted to know what it felt like.
I wanted him to ruin me for anyone else.
But Jerrod killed the moment. He walked in with the food and I immediately removed my foot.
I retreated back to my side of the table like it had never happened.
It was like I had closed a curtain on the idea of us being intimate.
And I hated myself for it. Because my dream of him? I wanted to live each second of it.