A Whirlwind of Color - Chapter 23 #2
Say it, Penny. Tell him you’re not going back to New York. A big fat raindrop landed on the tip of my nose.
“Let’s get back to the apartment,” he said.
At least he hadn’t said it was time to go back to the city. I’d tell him I wanted to stay here. I just needed a little more time to gather up the courage to do it.
James reached out to open the car door for me, but stopped as soon as his fingers touched the handle. He looked up like he had just felt a raindrop too. And in a matter of seconds it started pouring.
Instead of opening the door for me, he just stood there, staring at me as the rain soaked us. It was like he was waiting for something. Waiting for something exciting to happen.
"James…”
“Call me Professor Hunter.”
I swallowed hard. Would that make me remember?
It didn’t matter if it did. Just the idea of calling him that when our bodies were so close made me want to rip all his clothes off.
Maybe that’s how this whole thing had started.
The forbiddenness of it all had made us cross the line.
And I was close to crossing it again. So close. “Professor Hunter.”
The look he gave me took my breath away.
It was like he was hungry for me. He leaned forward and placed his hands on the car, on either side of me.
Our mouths were less than an inch apart.
He opened his lips slightly like he was about to say something.
I could feel the heat of his breath in the rain. He drew a fraction of an inch closer.
"Was this how our first kiss happened?” I whispered. “In the rain?”
Instead of responding, he quickly grabbed the back of my neck and let his lips meet mine.
His kiss was full of passion, passion that he had been holding back just as much as I had.
He pressed his body against mine and lightly pushed me so that my back was on the cold, wet steel of the car.
He leaned into me. The contrast of the heat from his body and the coolness of the car sent a spark through me.
I had never wanted someone so badly before.
I let my hands wander beneath the neckline of his shirt. His skin was so soft.
His lips pulled away from mine and he groaned softly in my ear.
“I’ve been haunted by the night I first kissed you.
I couldn’t resist. And just one taste was never enough.
It never could have been.” He leaned down and kissed me again.
Softer this time. Slow and loving. And it was somehow even more intense than his rough, passionate kiss.
I had crossed the line. And knew I needed to step back before I was too far gone.
I pressed my hands against his chest, pushing him away. “I can’t.”
He cringed. “I’m sorry. I should have waited. I just…”
“No.” I tried to steady my breathing. “The kiss was amazing. That’s not…” I let my voice trail off. “James, I can’t come back with you. I can already see myself slipping into this life that I don’t know. I can see myself falling for you. I can see you becoming my whole world.”
“And why does it sound like you think that’s so horrible?”
“Because it’s a life I’ve been given. Not a life I found.” God, this was coming out wrong. My mind was all foggy from the kiss. I shook my head. “I’m staying here. I don’t want to go back to New York. That’s all that I’m trying to say.”
“If you’re staying here, then so am I. I’ll figure out a way. We just need more time. I believe in us. We…”
“How am I supposed to find myself if everything’s already carved out for me?” I wiped away the tears beneath my eyes before they had a chance to mix with the rain. “I don’t know how to be in this world. Your world. I need to find myself.”
He placed his hand on the side of my face. “Find yourself with me.”
“James…”
“You’ll search your whole life and never find anything as good as what we have. I promise you. I swear it’s true. Just give our life together a chance.”
“I have. That’s what today was all about. And it was wonderful, but I didn’t feel like me. I don’t know how to explain it.” I shook my head. “Maybe you’re right about everything. But I’m not going to force you to take that journey with me as I find myself.”
“You wouldn’t be forcing me. I’m offering to stay.”
“What about your obligations?”
He dropped his hand from my face, like he knew I was right. He had a life outside of me. And he needed to get back to it.
“It’s for the best, James.” The rain between us made this feel final. We were already drifting farther away from each other.
“In no world is us being apart for the best.”
In this case it was. Time healed everything.
It would put his heart back together again.
He’d be fine without me. I took a deep breath.
“One day you’re going to want a family. And I can’t give that to you.
” He was older than me. Certainly he was thinking about having children sometime soon.
Telling him that was my way out. But hearing the words out loud made it seem so real.
“You can. You just…don’t want to with me? Is that what you’re saying?”
The pain on his face made my tears fall faster. I prayed he thought it was the rain instead of me falling apart. “No.” Maybe. “I can’t have kids. Ever. With anyone.”
“Why would you say that?”
“I saw a doctor about the scars on my stomach. He told me about my surgery.”
James shook his head. “That doctor is wrong. We’ll get a second opinion. We can…”
“You didn’t know?” I searched his face. How had he not known? Wouldn’t the doctors have told him when I was unconscious?
Something seemed to dawn on his face. “They told me they removed something. That some of the damage was irreparable. But I wasn’t listening. I was more focused on whether or not you were going to wake up.”
“They removed both my ovaries. I’ll never be able to have children.” I tried to keep my voice flat, even though all I wanted was for him to hug me and tell me everything would be alright. Everything could never be alright for me. But it could be for him.
He looked as devastated as I felt. And he stayed completely silent, like he was already slipping away from me. It wasn’t easy to walk away from him. But I had to.
“It’s pretty clear that kids are something that you want.
It’s something I wanted.” I looked down at my hands.
“So you’re going to go back to New York and I’m going to stay here.
Well, not here. I’ll probably go home to my parents’ house until I get back on my feet.
And you can forget all about me. It’s for the best.”
“Baby.” He tilted my face back up to his and wiped my tears away with his thumbs. “I could never forget about you.” His hands felt so warm compared to the cool summer rain.
“You have to. I don’t know who I am. And the only thing I knew I wanted in my future was just taken away. I can’t focus on a relationship right now. I need to figure out what I want, uninfluenced by anyone else. I have to start over.”
He pressed his lips together. He didn’t say anything at all. But he also didn’t let go of me.
“It’s late, James. You promised Rob you’d be back.”
“I wasn’t actually talking to Rob this morning.” His voice sounded strained.
“I know. I’m not an idiot. And I’m telling you it’s okay. I just want you to be happy.”
“I fucked this whole thing up.” He let go of my face and ran his fingers through his hair. “I was told that I should wean you into your life slowly. And I thought it was a good idea, because I wanted you to remember me. Just me. But it’s not just about me.”
“James…”
“You can’t leave, Penny. I can’t do this on my own.”
“Of course you can…”
“But it’s not just me that needs you. We already have two beautiful children.”
What?
“Our daughter is the spitting image of you. You met her in the hospital. But you were freaking out. And everyone said it was best if I waited to tell you. But she misses you. You have to come home. For her, not for me. And you have a son. A newborn. He was born early and…” his voice broke.
“We don’t know if he’s going to make it.
That’s what I’ve been doing when we’re not together.
I’m visiting our daughter at my brother’s apartment.
And I’m spending every other second at the hospital soaking up any moment with my son that I can because I don’t know if he’s going to wake up tomorrow.
And you can’t leave me. You can’t leave us. ”
I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
“And you were right, I’ve never called Rob pumpkin in my life until this afternoon.
I was talking to our daughter. I’m not cheating on you.
I’d never cheat on you. And I don’t care if you can’t have any more children.
The ones we have are all I need. And we need to go home so that we can spend time with them.
They both need you way more than they need me. ”
It was raining, and I couldn’t be sure, but it looked like he was crying.
Everything he said made sense. The doctor I had talked to said he thought I lost a baby.
But I hadn’t lost him yet. He was in a hospital somewhere, waiting to meet me.
Possibly dying. And I remembered the little redheaded girl.
It felt like my veins turned to ice. I thought I had dreamed about her.
I thought I was seeing myself from my past. Was it possible that she was real?
She had called me Mom. She had looked at me with so much love.
And she ran to me like there was no one in the world she loved more.
“I can’t.” I was surprised that those two words came out of my mouth. James had just put everything on the line, and I said: "I can’t"? I shook my head. “I…” I tried to swallow down the lump in my throat, but I couldn’t seem to.
“I know that was a lot to drop on you. I know you’re scared. But you’re stronger than you know.”
I closed my eyes. “I can’t.” Why did I keep saying that? It wasn’t a choice now. I had to go back. It wasn’t about whether or not I loved James. It was so much more than that. I had kids?
“I’ll sleep in one of the guest rooms,” he said.
That wasn’t why. I shook my head. I liked waking up to his arms around me. I liked the way he smelled. I liked the way he looked at me.
“I won’t touch you at all, if that’s what you want.”
I opened my eyes. And I definitely liked when he touched me. His skin against mine made me feel alive. Like he ignited a spark in me I didn’t know existed. So I don’t know why the word “okay,” came out of my mouth so quickly. I don’t know why I agreed. It wasn’t what I wanted.
“So you’ll come back?” He sounded so hopeful and distraught at the same time.
I stared at him getting soaked in the rain, looking as helpless as I felt. “For them.” Again, I didn’t know why I said it. Was I purposely trying to hurt him? Or was I trying to convince myself that he had nothing to do with my reason for going back to New York?
“Of course. For them.” He stepped back toward me, but didn’t take me in his arms. “Let’s go home.”