A Whirlwind of Color - Chapter 26
Monday
The bustling and beeping of the hospital died away when I looked into the window of the NICU. I thought I’d recognize my son right away. But I had no idea which baby was Liam. I swallowed hard. The instant connection wasn’t there. I couldn’t even tell which squirming blob was my son.
“You ready?” James asked.
But I barely heard him. I blinked fast, trying to remove the threatening tears. What if I held him and felt the same way? Like he wasn’t a part of me?
“Penny.” James' voice was gentler. He put his hand on my shoulder.
It was like his touch emanated strength. I took a deep breath and turned toward him. He was touching me. He had promised not to, yet here he was. And I was happy that he had broken his word. I nodded my head. “I’m ready.”
He gave me a small smile and then removed his hand in a rush. Maybe he had just remembered his promise. Or maybe my touch did the opposite to him. It zapped the strength out of him instead of reviving him.
I followed him into the room. The first thing I noticed was how much warmer the air was. It wasn’t a pull to my son. Or a realization of which baby he was. No, it was just the sensation that it was warm.
There was a nurse writing something down on a clipboard.
She looked up as we entered and a smile crossed her face.
“Good morning, Mr. Hunter. Our strong-willed warrior is doing well this morning. He’s been sleeping better at night.
” She set her clipboard down and walked over to one of the little incubation cribs.
“Strong-willed warrior?” I asked.
The nursed looked up like she hadn’t seen me. “Yes. That’s what Liam means.”
I wasn’t sure why I was glaring at her instead of looking at my baby. But the way she had said that was so condescending.
“And he needs to be strong right now.” She pulled him out. “Don’t you, little man?” she said in a babyish voice. She looked back up at me with her perfect smile that matched her perfect long blonde hair and perfectly tanned skin. “You must be Mrs. Hunter. Would you like to hold him?”
“I…” I looked back and forth between the baby and James. “What is that mask on his face?”
“It’s a CPAP. His lungs weren’t fully developed when he was born so it’s helping him breathe a little easier. But he’ll be breathing on his own in no time.” She looked down at my son. “Won’t you?” she said in her baby voice. “Yes you will, yes you will.”
I swallowed hard. He was so tiny. So so tiny. And he wasn’t just attached to one machine. There were all sorts of tubes and wires everywhere. If I held him, I was afraid it would be like holding a robot.
James didn’t wait for me to decide what I wanted to do. He walked over and took Liam out of the nurse’s arms.
“Hi, Liam,” he said as he stared down at the baby. “You slept better last night, huh?” He wasn’t using a baby voice like the nurse. But his voice was softer. Gentler than it was with me. Loving.
I couldn’t look away from the two of them.
“Your sister said you were a good boy yesterday. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be here. I won’t go that long without seeing you again, okay? I promise.”
I thought the baby looked small before, but he looked even teensier in James’ arms. Or hands, more accurately. Liam practically fit in his hands.
James rocked Liam back and forth slowly. He looked up at the nurse. “He looks bigger than the last time I saw him.” The smile on his face was brighter than I had ever seen. So much brighter than when he smiled at me.
“I told you he was doing well. All it took was a good night’s sleep.” She reached over and adjusted Liam’s blanket. “Let’s take his mask off for a few minutes too.” She carefully unstrapped the contraption. “Isn’t that better?” she cooed.
James and the nurse stood close, staring down affectionately at Liam.
I shouldn’t have been jealous. I was standing right here.
But I couldn’t help it. This stranger was a better mother to my child than I was.
I didn’t even feel compelled to hold Liam because I was scared he might break in my hands.
“Who else has been to visit you while I was away?” James said gently to Liam. “Rob and Daphne. Your grandparents.” He rocked the baby in his arms. “You didn’t miss me at all, did you?”
“Aw, I’m sure he did,” the nurse said as she adjusted the blanket again. “Matt was here too. And Tyler and Hailey stopped by to spend some time with him.”
I had no idea who Matt was. But I recognized the name Tyler. The Tyler. The perfect male specimen that Melissa said I passed on. We were still close enough that he visited my baby? Everyone had been here. Everyone had held him but me. And that nurse wasn’t Liam’s mother. I was.
The nurse placed her hand on James’ bicep.
“But he’s never as happy as when you’re here.
” She leaned down into Liam’s face, keeping her hand on James’ arm.
“Isn’t that right?” She and James stood there smiling down at Liam.
The perfect little family. They had no need for me.
And it wasn’t lost on me that James didn’t flinch at her touch.
He seemed way more comfortable around her than he did around me.
“You’re going to get out of here so soon,” James said in his calming voice. “You’re going to come home and everything’s going to be okay. Just keep breathing for me, Liam. Keep breathing.”
“You heard your daddy,” the nurse said. “Keep breathing for us.”
Us? Hell no. This random nurse wasn’t a part of us . “Can I hold him?” I asked.
James looked up. He seemed surprised that I was standing there.
Like he had completely forgotten I existed.
Which was exactly how I’d felt watching him with Liam and the nurse.
Invisible. Yesterday he had sworn he saw me.
Today? It felt like he was trying to prove how alone he could make me feel without him.
I walked over to them without waiting for a response. James slowly maneuvered Liam into my arms, being careful with all the cords.
“You have to support his head. Careful of his blanket, he needs to stay warm.” The nurse kept chirping orders but I ignored her. I’d know how to hold my son. I’d just know.
For just a moment, James kept his hands beneath Liam too.
And for the first time I felt like we were a family.
But then the warmth of this hands disappeared.
It was just me and Liam. Me and…it felt like I stopped breathing as I stared down at him.
His dark hair. His nose. He was the spitting image of James.
But then he opened his little eyes and looked up at me.
And I saw myself. He had my blue eyes. I knew that most babies had blue eyes, but I was hoping that they’d stay blue.
That there would be one thing about him that was a reflection of me.
“Hi, Liam.” I tried to keep my voice calm but not baby-like. I didn’t want to sound like the nurse. I wanted to sound like me. I wanted him to remember. He would have heard me talking all the time while I carried him in my belly. He’d know I was his mother. “Do you remember me?”
His face scrunched up for a moment like he wanted to cry. But then his features softened. And he blinked. The tiniest, cutest little blink.
I took that as a yes. And I felt guilty about it, because I didn’t remember him. It wasn’t fair for me to expect so much from him. He was a baby, after all. I was the grown up. “I’m going to remember you too. We can do it together.”
I felt it in a rush. The same as I had with Scarlett. That a piece of my heart belonged with him even though my mind didn’t remember giving it away. “You look just like your father,” I said. I gently touched the side of his face. “So handsome.”
While I held him, I wondered what kind of mother I was. Did I read to my belly at night? Did I sing to him so he’d recognize my voice? Did I eat the right things? Did I care as much as I hoped I would?
None of it really mattered. Because I was going to start caring right now. Holding him in my arms turned my world upside down. He was so small. And he needed me. He needed me and I was going to be there for him.
“I’m not going anywhere this time,” I said. “I promise. We’re going to figure all of this out together. I’ve always wanted a baby. And you’re perfect. You’re so perfect.”
He squirmed in my arms. Aw. My heart felt like it broke into a million little pieces as I stared down at him.
I lowered my voice. “Don’t let any nurses or doctors tell you any differently.
You’re perfect, little Liam. And I’m going to take care of you.
We’re going to be okay. We can get through anything together, you and me.
” I wasn’t sure why I felt compelled to align my future with this tiny little baby’s.
James had told me the odds. All the statistics about what his life would be like if he ever got out of here.
And Liam was clearly small. But he didn’t seem sick to me.
He seemed healthy. Just small and misunderstood. We’re okay, baby boy. We’re okay.
James already had opinions of me. Scarlett already had opinions of me. Everyone already had opinions of me. Except for this baby. Liam had only just met me. And he seemed to like me well enough. I just knew in my heart that we were going to get through all of this together.
“You’re a strong-willed warrior, huh? Well, me too.” I leaned down and placed a kiss on his forehead. “Me too, baby boy.”