This Is Love - Chapter 2
Monday - James
I wanted to be able to propose the same way I had the first time around. But I couldn’t leave New York again. Liam and Scarlett needed me here. I just had to think of something similar to me popping the question in the coffee shop.
Penny didn’t remember our favorite pizza place here in the city. Or where we had our wedding. Or where we danced in Central Park under the stars. She didn’t remember anything here and had only really spent time in our apartment. An apartment proposal didn’t feel romantic enough.
Maybe Liam was right. Maybe this was a bad idea.
I almost laughed out loud. Liam hadn’t said anything.
The whole conversation we’d shared had just been me talking to myself.
But I liked bouncing ideas off of him. The NICU was the one place where it felt like I could be open with everything I was thinking.
As long as one of the nurses wasn’t in the room.
I shoved my hands into my pockets and felt the ring. I should have just given it back to her when she woke up. But I saw the way she looked down at the tan lines on her ring finger. She looked appalled. The same way she looked at me.
I was trying to be strong for her. But I wasn’t sure how much more I could take without breaking down.
She didn’t realize how important she was.
Liam and Scarlett needed her just as much as I did.
Scarlett. I needed to talk to her again.
If she kept saying stuff like Penny wasn’t her mom, Penny would feel like she truly wasn’t.
I needed Scarlett to believe that Penny was coming back as much as I believed it.
I just hoped that the idea of Penny remembering didn’t turn out to be a figment of my imagination.
Lying to myself was one thing. Lying to my daughter was another.
I tried to focus on the ring in my pocket again instead of my dismal reality.
I sighed. It didn’t have to be a grand proposal. I’d just ask Penny if she’d do me the honor of wearing the ring again. Of taking a leap of faith on her family.
The fresh air made it a little easier to breathe. And the image of Penny closing her eyes and waiting for a kiss came back to me. She wanted me. And she was reading the beginning of our love story all night. She’d want me more when I got back than she did when I’d left.
I took a deep breath and stopped in front of the doors of our apartment building.
I wanted to walk back into our apartment and see her face light up like it always used to.
I wanted her to run over to me and throw her arms around the back of my neck as I pulled her in for a kiss. I wanted my life back.
I closed my eyes and prayed to a God I wasn’t sure if I believed in.
Please let everything go back to normal.
Please let her remember. I promised to be a better man for her.
A better father to my children. I wouldn’t get lost in work.
I’d be present and listen to what they wanted instead of assuming what they must want.
Penny asked for space while she remembered.
I opened my eyes. It was true, she had asked for space.
But she didn’t look at me like she wanted space.
She stared at me like she wanted anything but space between us.
And even though I wanted to respect her boundaries, I wasn’t sure if she was being true to herself either.
I opened the door and stepped inside. That was the whole problem.
I did what I thought was best instead of listening.
The unsigned contract that was locked in my desk drawer was a good sign of that.
I had gotten her a publishing deal when she had specifically asked me not to.
If I had just listened to her, I would have been here when she went into labor.
I would have been here when she needed me.
I stepped onto the elevator. I should have taken the stairs.
The extra exercise would do me good. My heart was feeling stronger every day despite the fact that it was broken.
But Liam was right, I was tired. I almost laughed out loud again at the thought of Liam saying that to me.
I desperately needed rest. I needed to sleep on the idea of proposing before I scared Penny further away.
That was my biggest fear. That she’d leave again.
That this time she’d never come back. I couldn’t let that happen.
Tonight I’d sleep in the guest room. I wouldn’t touch her. I’d do everything she’d asked unless she specifically said she changed her mind. Only then would I invade her space. I stepped off the elevator and put my key into the lock. Please ask me, Penny. Let me back into your life.
I didn’t expect her to come running into my arms like she used to. But the house was eerily quiet. I walked into the kitchen, then the dining room, then the living room. The pages of her manuscript were all over the coffee table, but she was nowhere in sight. “Penny?” I called.
Melissa walked into the living room. “She went for a walk. And keep your voice down, Scarlett’s asleep.”
“You let Penny go for a walk alone?”
“No. Chill for two seconds. She went with one of the security guards. How incompetent do you think I am?”
“I didn’t say that you were…”
“You kinda implied it.” She plopped down on the couch. “I feel like you and I need to have a talk.”
“Melissa, I wasn’t calling you incompetent.”
“Not about that.” She waved her hand through the air, dismissing the altercation.
“We need to talk about Penny. And you. And whatever game it is you’re trying to play with her head.
I made a few phone calls and read some articles and I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to be force feeding her the past.” She nodded to the manuscript.
“You’re supposed to let her remember on her own time. ”
“She asked to read it.”
“Fair enough, but you could have postponed it. I know you want her to remember. We all do. And I get that she’s not just your wife. She’s your best friend. Your confidant. And right now you can’t confide in her so…confide in me. It might alleviate some of your stress.”
“Melissa, I have people I can confide in.”
“Who? Rob?” She laughed. “Trust me, he’s about as good at pillow talk as a brick wall.”
“Maybe with you.”
She glared at me. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re a terrible host?”
“Has anyone ever told you that you’re a terrible house guest?”
She laughed. “I feel like I’m a normal house guest. There is no such thing as a good house guest. That’s why you usually put everyone up in hotels, right?”
“It's more of a privacy thing.”
“I see. Tell me more about that.”
“I’m not going to talk to you about my issues.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’ll tell Penny everything I say.”
“I can keep a secret, James. If you recall, it wasn’t my fault your affair with a student leaked. I feel like I’ve earned your trust. And right now, you need to vent. I mean…you look like hell. Have you even been sleeping?”
“Melissa…”
“If you’re not going to talk to me, you should talk to someone. I’m pretty sure Penny fell in love with the sweeter side of you. Not whatever this is.” She gestured to me.
It was hard not to be a little offended.
“I mean, you do want her to fall in love with you again, right? New memories of you might kind of outweigh the old ones.” She glanced back at the manuscript pages.
“Huh. You might already be scaring her away. She wasn’t even reading about you.
” She lifted up one of the pages and started reading out loud:
We slowly swayed back and forth. This was probably the sweetest thing a guy had ever done for me. I moved closer to him so that our bodies were touching.
"So you like it nice and slow?" Tyler said gently.
"If you are referring to dancing? Yes, isn't this nice?"
He leaned down to kiss me. I wanted to forget about Austin and I needed to forget about Professor Hunter. I grabbed the back of his head and pulled him closer as he kissed me deeply. His hands slid down from my waist and grabbed my ass.
“Stop,” I said. “I don’t need to hear about Tyler’s hands on my wife’s ass, I’ve already read it.” Hearing about Tyler right this second wasn’t helping. I was already a little pissed off about Penny’s favorite movie revolving around him.
“See. You’re angry.”
“Because you’re reminding me that she used to have her hands all over someone else.”
“Everyone has exes, James.”
“Not ones that they don’t remember passing on.”
“Aha. The root of the problem. What, are you scared that she’s going to go back to him? He’s married, remember?”
“It wouldn’t be the first time someone cheated on someone else. It happens all the time.”
“Aha! So this goes back to your first wife cheating on you.”
“Would you stop saying ‘aha’ like this is actually a breakthrough?”
“Then just talk to me…”
“And say what? That I’m scared Penny will never remember? That I’m scared I’ll have to go through the rest of my life in this fucking terrible numb state? That I’m worried I’m going to lose my son too? That when I think about everything I can’t breathe?”
She stood up and hugged me.
I hadn’t expected her to do that. For a moment, I stayed still, hoping she’d just let go.
But when I finally forced myself to hug her back, I felt a sense of relief.
When was the last time someone had tried to comfort me?
That wasn’t fair. Tons of people had tried to comfort me when Penny was unconscious.
But I had pushed them all away. Because that’s what I did.
I couldn’t lie though, it felt really nice to be hugged.
“That’s a good start,” Melissa said and smiled up at me. “Tell her those things. Be real instead of suave.”
“Trust me, I haven’t been suave.”
“You’re always suave. It’s kinda your thing.”
I laughed.
“Oh my God, did I just get you to smile?” She leaned closer. “Yup, you’re officially smiling. See…doesn’t it help to talk?”
I sighed, but it was just for show. “Sure.”