This Is Love - Chapter 9
Monday - Penny
I had memories of James being closed off.
Hard to read. Moody. But he wasn’t like those memories.
His heart was so big. He'd forgiven his mother.
And I know I had said the same words, but I was still watching her suspiciously.
She could say all the rude things or nice things in the world to me.
But all that mattered to me was how she treated my husband.
And Rob. Rob was one of my best friends.
I wanted to protect him just as much as I wanted to protect James from pain. Maybe it was the momma bear in me.
I bit the inside of my lip. I hoped I really was a good mother. I hoped that this time when I saw my son I remembered him, instead of just meeting him for the first time. I’d know him now, right? I’d remember?
The elevator dinged open. I don’t know what James had to do to get all of us up here.
But any amount of money would be worth this moment.
I stopped outside the NICU window and stared inside.
I knew I had technically already met him once.
But that wasn’t me. That person was a ghost, a shell of who I really was.
She hadn’t known James. She wasn’t whole.
A shadow of what could have been if I hadn’t run into James in that coffee shop so many years ago.
My train of thought halted when my eyes landed on my son. It felt like my heart ripped in half. I rushed to the door and pulled it open.
“Mrs. Hunter…”
I pressed my hand against the glass that was surrounding Liam. “I need to hold him.”
“He’s sleeping, Mrs. Hunter. I think…”
“Please let me hold him.” My voice cracked. God, he was so small.
“Penny, he’s getting stronger every day,” James said.
I barely even heard him. I felt his hand on my shoulder, but I didn’t really feel it. All I could feel was this shadow cross my soul.
“Please.” I blinked back my tears. “I need to hold him.” I need to say hello before I miss the chance. “Please.”
“Alright, one second.” The nurse stopped protesting and started maneuvering all the tubes attached to Liam.
As soon as he was in my arms, my tears started flowing freely. He felt like home in my arms. Like a piece of my soul was staring back at me. “Hey, baby boy.”
His eyes stayed closed. I knew he was sleeping.
I knew that, but for some reason, his closed eyes overwhelmed me.
Open your eyes. Open your eyes for me, Liam.
It was like I could feel him slipping away from me.
I watched as my tears fell, staining his cheeks.
And he still didn’t move. He was so still and it terrified me. Open your eyes. Please.
James wrapped his arms around me from behind, holding me steady. I had fixed things with him. Miraculously, he had forgiven me for everything. But I couldn’t fix this. I didn’t know how to heal my son.
“What are we going to do?” I whispered. I wasn’t even sure if James heard me. But then he kissed the side of my neck.
“We’re going to wait.” His breath was hot in my ear, giving me a sense of comfort. “And pray. And be with him as much as possible.”
“But you’re not religious.”
“Praying to a God you didn’t think you believed in during a crisis sometimes makes a believer out of the most hardened of souls. It makes you hope that miracles can happen.”
I sniffed, trying to stop my tears. “Did you read that somewhere?” It was beautiful.
“No, it’s just…true.”
I turned my head to look up at him.
He reached out and gently wiped away my tears. “God, if you’re out there, please heal our son,” he said. “Please watch over him. Let us bring him home.”
Whatever tears he had wiped away started falling freely again.
“And let Penny’s memories keep coming back. Let her heal.”
“And let James heal too,” I added. I still needed to talk to him about what exactly had happened to him. But it was true, praying to a God we didn’t necessarily believe in couldn’t possibly hurt. “Amen?”
“Amen,” James confirmed.
Liam kicked one of his feet out and my tears were replaced with a smile. I definitely remembered him kicking me. A lot. It had been his favorite hobby. But the kick didn’t seem as strong as it had in my stomach.
“Can I hold him?” Susan asked.
I instinctively hugged Liam tighter to my chest. I didn’t want to let him go. It felt like he was exactly where he belonged. I couldn’t even imagine having to leave him tonight.
Susan put her arms out to take him.
She was trying. I knew that. She wanted to be a part of Liam’s life.
Whatever that may entail. I leaned down and kissed his forehead.
“I love you, baby boy. You’re going to come home soon.
I promise.” It didn’t matter if my promise was empty.
That’s what parents did, right? Fight for their children?
And I’d do anything to make my promise true.
Anything. I reluctantly placed Liam into Susan’s arms.
I felt empty as soon as he was gone. Like a part of me was missing.
I turned and pressed the side of my face against James’ chest. He held me as I cried.
His hand running up and down my back was the most comforting thing in the world.
And the smell of his cologne. And the softness of his t-shirt. I remembered all of it.
“It’s going to be okay,” he said.
He was the heart of our family. And I’d take his lies any day. I liked that he sheltered me from pain. I loved him for it. But he couldn’t protect me from this, no matter how much I wished that he could. We were going to face all this together. As a team.
“It’s late,” James said. “We can come back in the morning with Scarlett.”
“She never goes to sleep without a bedtime story.” The words tumbled out of my mouth and I knew that they were true. “She’s probably giving everyone back home trouble.”
“Most likely.” He smiled down at me. “She’s going to be excited to see you.”
“Not that imposter in my place? She could tell. She knew something wasn’t right.”
“She’s a smart kid.”
“Like her father.”
James shook his head. “Like her mother.”
“Hey, J.J. How are you tonight?” Rob asked.
I glanced over at Rob. He was bouncing up and down, holding Liam close to his chest.
“J.J.?” I asked.
“It’s my nickname for him,” Rob said. “You shoulda named him James Junior in my opinion.”
“I love the name Liam.” I looked up at James. “I can’t believe you named him that though. I thought you didn’t like it.”
“I never said I didn’t like Liam. I just thought it was going to be a girl.”
I smiled, remembering a simpler time. When betting on the sex of our child was our only concern. But Liam was perfect. He was just small. “How is he doing?” I asked the nurse on duty.
“His doctor will be in tomorrow morning if you want updates.”
I swallowed hard. Her response wasn’t exactly settling. “That would be great. What time?”
“Let me go check the schedule for you.”
“It’s okay,” James said as he slipped his arm around me. “We’ll be here for most of the day. We won’t miss him.”
“Alright. I’ll see you both tomorrow then.” She gave us a kind smile as she went to put Liam back down.
“Just one second,” I said and pulled him into my arms once more.
It still felt like I was running out of time even now that I saw him.
It was the worst feeling in the world. “I remember you, Liam. I remember you and I’m here to fight for you now.
So don’t you forget that. Okay?” He was still sleeping, his chest rising and falling quickly, like he was struggling for air, which I knew he was.
Liam kicked one of his feet out again and I smiled.
He and I had an agreement. When he kicked, that meant we were on the same page.
I looked down at him and tried to ingrain his adorable little face into my mind.
I wasn’t sure how many of these moments we’d have.
And once you lost your memories, you started to appreciate them even more.
Especially the important ones. The ones that were fleeting.
***
Coming home earlier tonight had been jarring. Too many faces. Too much noise. All I needed was James and he hadn’t been there. I had probably been rude and insensitive. God, they had all thought I had run off with Tyler. It was a freaking mess.
But when we walked into our home now, there was no longer a search party. The silence was startling. I was expecting Scarlett to run into the foyer and jump into my arms, knowing it was truly me again. I’d twirl her around in excitement. But I guess I had built up our reuniting in my head.
James locked the door behind us. Rob and Susan had gone home after the hospital visit. It was late. And I needed my moment with Scarlett before I introduced her to a stranger anyway. She had been practically living with one as it was.
“Why is the freezer door open?” James asked.
I laughed as we entered the kitchen. “How should I know? I wasn’t here either.”
He frowned and closed it. There were small little brown dots on the kitchen floor too. He bent down for a closer look. “Chocolate? Maybe?” He raised his left eyebrow at me.
I laughed and looked toward the stairs where the chocolaty trail led. “Nothing to put a child to sleep like chocolate ice cream. I was worried that Scar liked Melissa more than me. And no wonder…she feeds her ice cream as a late night snack. How can I possibly compete with that?”
“Scarlett loves you, baby. How about we go let her know that you’re home. She’s probably still awake if she just ate ice cream anyway.”
“True.” I gripped James’ hand tightly as we walked up the stairs together. I had been so worried about remembering that I hadn’t thought about what Scarlett remembered. What if she didn’t recognize the real me? What if she preferred my 19-year-old mind more? Was that possible?
Melissa and Josh were sleeping on the floor.
Her head was in his lap, and Scarlett’s favorite book, The Ruin of House Hornbolt , was on the floor by Josh’s hand, like he had dropped it as he dozed off.
Melissa always wore a lot of makeup, but whatever was on her face right now was definitely overboard.
And completely horrible. Her lipstick was basically all over her face.
The eyeshadow had also left her eyelids.
Josh’s hair had been pulled into two pigtails that could really only be described as horns with bows.
I stifled a laugh. They looked absolutely ridiculous.
“I put Aunt Melissa and Uncle Josh to sleep for you,” Scarlett said. “They were hard to put down.”
I pulled my eyes away from the sleeping couple to see Scarlett sitting in her bed eating a huge bowl of ice cream.
Well, technically it wasn’t even a bowl.
It was a saucepan, which was one of the only cabinets she could get into without finding a way to crawl up onto the counter.
She was holding the handle in one hand and a huge spoon used for stirring things on the stove in the other.
The saucepan was balancing precariously on one knee.
“Scar, what are you doing?” I asked. “You’re not allowed to eat ice cream before bed and you know it.”
“But they said it was okay and that I could have as much as I wanted.” She pulled the saucepan tightly to her chest. “I didn’t do anything bad.”
“And what have we said about lying?”
“Well, that’s bad. But I didn’t do that.
I’m always a good girl.” She looked down at her ice cream and then back up at me.
A smile broke over her face. “Lying’s bad!
My mommy told me it was bad! Only my real mommy knows about lying rules!
” She launched herself out of her bed, knocking the saucepan onto her comforter.
I didn’t even care that she had made a mess.
All I cared about was her. I knelt down to catch her in my arms.
“Mommy.” She started to cry, her little body shaking against mine.
I clutched her even tighter. “It’s okay, Scar. I’m back. And I’m not going anywhere ever again.”
“I didn’t think you’d ever come back. I thought you left me.”
“No, no, baby girl.” I kissed the top of her head. “I’d never leave you.”
“But you did. You left me and Daddy and Liam. You left us. Why’d you leave us? Was it something I did wrong? Because I’m sorry.”
“No. You didn’t do anything wrong.” God, I hated that she thought any of this was her fault. How could I fix this? I looked up at James.
He was quickly wiping under his eyes. He turned away from me when he noticed I was staring. My heart felt like it was cracking into pieces. I had hurt both of them so much.
“I’m the one that’s sorry,” I said. “I got hurt. I couldn’t remember. And I’m so so sorry.”
“But it’s all my fault. I tried to tell you about the snapes and no one believed me.” She was sobbing now, soaking my shirt in tears and snot, but I didn’t care in the slightest. “It’s my fault the snapes got you.”
“No, no, no. Shhhh.” I ran my hand up and down her back. “None of this was your fault. Don’t think that for a second. You can’t control other people’s intentions, sweetie.”
“What is intentions?” She sniffled loudly.
“It means…plans. That doctor had plans that weren’t nice. But none of that was your fault. And he’s locked up now. He’ll never hurt us again. I promise.”
“And you’ll never leave again?”
“I’ll never leave you again, Scar. Never.”
She pulled away and put her hands on both sides of my face. She stared into my eyes like she could read my soul. And then she nodded. “Only my mommy looks at me like that.”
I was trying not to cry. “Like what, Scar?”
“Like…like I’m never bad.”
Oh, sweetie. I pulled her back into a hug.
I glanced up at James again. He had quickly composed himself. For the first time tonight, I realized how tired he looked.
“We should get to bed, Scar,” I said.
She wrapped her arms tighter around my neck. “I want to sleep with you and Daddy.”
James nodded with a smile. “You two go get ready for bed. I’ll clean all this up. And you’re going to need this.” He leaned down and picked up Scarlett’s favorite book.