This Is Love - Chapter 15
Tuesday - Penny
There was something in his eyes that I couldn’t quite read. Guilt maybe? It was gone in an instant. Just like my anger was gone the moment he thrust inside of me.
Jesus. The first time we’d had sex, it was almost like he was trying to fuck me out of his system.
Hard. Rough. Hot. I waited for the memory to slip away, just like all my other ones had come in a rush and slowly fell back in place where they belonged.
But this one didn’t go away. And I had the eeriest sensation that James was trying to get me out of his system again.
That he’d pull away from me in a moment and claim this was just a one-time thing. Or a one-last-time thing in this case.
It was hard to focus on what felt off when he felt so amazing inside of me. But no matter how amazing this was, something wasn’t right. “Is something wrong?” I panted. Instead of sounding concerned, my voice came out wanting.
He kissed the side of my neck, ignoring my question. And then lightly bit down on my earlobe.
I tilted my head to the side. I loved when he did that. He bit down harder as one of his hands slid down my stomach. His fingers stopped just above the spot that was desperately craving his attention. Almost like he was trying to distract me from my prying.
“James.” It came out as a moan instead of an inquiry. I reached up to grab the sides of his face so that he’d look at me.
But he yanked my tank top down, trapping my arms against the sides of my torso as he started fucking me harder. I felt my ass digging into the edge of the desk with each thrust. It felt amazing but I wanted him to look me in the eyes. I lowered my shoulder to try and pull my arm out of my tank top.
He pulled harder, spilling my breasts from the cups of my bra and pinning my arms more firmly. I tried to lift my arm again. He wasn’t looking at me. Why wasn’t he looking at me?
My thoughts disappeared as his lips encircled one of my nipples. He tugged with his teeth. Fuck. I felt my hips arch up to meet his thrusts. He grabbed my hips, lifting my ass slightly off the desk and slammed into me even harder. Faster.
God. Loving him had always made me feel free. Free from concern. Free from right and wrong. Free from judgment. But I didn’t feel that way tonight. I felt like I was paying for something. Like he was taking a piece of my soul and I had no idea what he was going to do with it.
Each thrust pulled me closer and closer to the edge. It would have been easy to get lost in the moment if I didn’t know him so well. If I didn’t know that something was truly wrong.
I squirmed beneath him until I was finally able to wiggle my arms out of my tank top and bra. I reached for his face again, but before I could, he grabbed my hands and slammed the backs of them against the desk. They hit something, sending the object to the ground with a loud crash.
The noise made me jolt. A groan escape from James’ mouth.
“James, is the door locked? Someone might walk in.”
He leaned over me, his stubble scratching my cheek.
I wasn’t sure why, but the sensation pushed me so close to the edge.
Maybe because the feeling of his scruff was usually accompanied by him whispering something dirty and delicious in my ear.
Something about how much I loved the thrill of getting caught.
Something that would make me spread my legs a little wider for him.
“I love you, Miss Taylor,” he said instead.
Before I could respond, he pressed down on my clit, pushing me over the edge. “James!”
I felt the warmth of him inside of me. A feeling I’d never grow tired of.
I tried to catch my breath. I was completely spent.
For a moment, nothing else mattered. It didn’t matter that we were technically in some random professor’s office.
Or that a piece of our hearts were in the nearby hospital.
All that mattered was that we were together.
I savored the feeling of how safe I felt in his arms.
And then I felt a wetness on the side of my neck.
“James?” I reached for the sides of his face and pulled up, but he kept his mouth against my skin, leaving a trail of kisses down the front of my chest. Lower.
A tingle of desire swept through my stomach even though he had just pleased me.
He was distracting me on purpose, but I felt immobile.
He said he hadn’t cheated on me. He’d told me about getting me a publishing deal.
Everything was already off his chest. Right? I swallowed hard. Right?
He stopped at one of my scars and kissed it lightly. “I love you,” he whispered against my skin.
I felt more wetness. Not the feeling of a kiss at all. It was…was he crying? “James?”
He kissed another of my scars. “I’m so sorry.” His voice cracked.
I sat up, not caring that a random sheet of paper was stuck to my back. Or that I was sitting on someone’s daily planner. Or that I was half naked in a room that someone could easily walk into. Nothing mattered but the man in front of me.
James fell to his knees and kissed the inside of my shin, keeping his eyes downcast.
I tried to stifle the fear gripping my heart. “It’s okay,” I said. “About the publishing deal. I don’t know if I’m going to take it…but I know you did it out of love. I’m sorry that I overreacted.”
He still didn’t look up at me.
I pulled myself off the desk and knelt down beside him.
“I’m not mad.” I still would have been if he wasn’t acting like this.
But this moment made me realize just how arbitrary being upset really was.
I never wanted to cause James to look the way he looked now.
I never wanted to cause him pain. I’d forgive him a million times if it meant he’d look at me.
“James.” I lifted his head toward mine. I felt his tears on my fingers even though he was still avoiding my gaze. “James, talk to me.”
A strangled noise escaped his throat. His body heaved up and down. I had never seen him like this. He broke in front of me. The guard he always had up shattered. There was a vulnerability there that he had never let me see before.
I tried to wipe away his tears like he so often did for me.
“James.” I was pretty sure my voice sounded as broken as he looked.
“Please look at me. Talk to me. What’s wrong?
” I felt like I was drowning. Screw cheating.
Screw publishing deals. Screw every tiny little thing.
Whatever had caused this reaction in James was so much bigger. So much worse.
He slowly lifted his face to mine. “No one ever talks about the consequences of loving someone,” he said. “I didn’t know about the consequences. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, baby.”
Consequences? What was he talking about? “That’s because there aren’t any consequences…”
“Breaking someone?” He immediately shook his head. “Hurting someone? Those are consequences. It’s easy to get caught up in your own emotions. But I never realized how much love could hurt the other person.”
“Well those things don’t happen in true love.”
He just stared at me.
“They don’t happen to us . Because no matter what struggles we face we have each other.”
He shook his head.
For some reason I found myself mimicking his actions. “No? Is that what you’re saying? No?”
He just kept shaking his head.
“Well, I don’t accept that. I’ve seen a horrible reality in which we didn’t become an us.
I’m not going back to that. You fought so hard for me to remember.
And I remember everything. Every little thing.
All I know is that it’s you and me against the world, James.
Us together. Whatever it is that’s upsetting you, it’s actually inconsequential.
I’m sure of it. I’ve never been so sure of anything in my entire life.
It’s you and me, James. It’s you and me. Forever.”
What I said made everything worse. He seemed to be gulping for air. “I’m sorry.”
I shifted closer to him. “I think you’re having a panic attack. I’m going to call the hospital. Where’s your phone?” I stood up to look around, but he grabbed my hand.
He finally lifted his gaze to mine, locking me in place. He looked tormented. Another ragged breath escaped from his lips. I felt paralyzed as he opened his mouth.
“My surgery didn’t work,” he said.
I couldn’t breathe.
“I’m in pain all the time.”
It felt like my heart stopped beating.
“The physical therapy isn’t helping.”
His words were jumbling in my head.
“I need another surgery. But my body isn’t strong enough right now.”
The words stopped shifting around in my head. What was he trying to say?
“I’ve tried everything.”
My breath came back in a rush. No. “Okay.” I nodded. “So you’ll have another surgery when you’ve had more time to recover. The cardiologist that’s coming tomorrow will have another look at you. We’ll figure this out. Just like we always do.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Yes it is. That’s why we’re here. To fix everything.”
“Penny. We’re here to focus on Liam. That’s why I agreed to come to Newark. That’s the only reason. The doctors here are going to fix him. And then we’re going to go home. The four of us can be together.”
“I don’t understand what you’re saying. You said you need surgery. So we have to make that…”
“And I can’t have it right now. We just have to wait.”
“For what?”
He just stared at me and shook his head.
I knelt down next to him again. “For what, James?”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“You’re…you…” I couldn’t say the words. “No.”
Now he was the one holding my face, trying to get me to look at him. To understand the unspeakable.
“No, no, no.”
“Look at me,” he said. “I’m right here. Right now. We still have time.”
I lifted my eyes to his. “You can’t.” I couldn’t make myself say it. “You can’t.”
“Baby, I care more about you than I care about life itself.”
I shook my head. “Don’t say that.”
“It’s true.” He wiped away my tears with his thumbs. “We can enjoy whatever time we have. The four of us. It’s what you asked for.”
“I never asked for this. All I want is you. All I’ve ever wanted was you.”
“And you’ll always have a piece of me. In Scarlett. In Liam. They’ll be there even if I’m not.”
He’s dying. I finally let myself think the word. Death. It rolled around in my head. Death was not an option. It felt like there was a knife in my chest. Nothing was more painful than a short life.
I was wrong before. He wasn’t the one that was breaking. I was. I had just gotten my life back. I had just remembered what we had. Only to have it ripped away from me?
No. Hell no . My husband was not going to die. My son was not going to die. Nothing was going to strip me of this life I had fought so hard to get back. That we had fought so hard for in the first place. No. “No.”
“Penny, it’s not just something you can choose not to accept…”
“Yes it is. I don’t accept it.” Earlier tonight made so much more sense. He wasn’t talking about an affair at Grottos. He was trying to tell me that he wasn’t well. But James was not dying. I wouldn’t allow it.
“Baby…”
“This is not our fate. We’re going to grow old together.
We’re going to be sitting on some porch in rocking chairs with all our grandchildren surrounding us.
That’s our fate. I’m sorry you’ve had to face all of this on your own.
But you’re not on your own anymore. I’m right here. I’m going to take care of you.”
He shook his head.
“The best cardiologist in the U.S. is coming to see you tomorrow. That whack-job in New York? He didn’t have the answers. He didn’t even know that I was being poisoned.”
“No one knew you were being poisoned.”
“Scarlett did. And she’s not even four. Our doctors were basically toddlers.”
He sighed and pulled me to his chest. “You can’t just will my heart to heal.”
“Do you wanna bet?”
He laughed. “No, I don’t want to make a bet. I want you to be right.”
“I’m right. I know I’m right.” I listened to his heartbeat.
Earlier today I had thought it was so steady.
A few hours could change so much. I squeezed my eyes shut and focused on its thumping.
The doctors were wrong. There was nothing wrong with James’ heart.
Someone who loved so hard couldn’t possibly have a broken heart.