City of Sin - Chapter 59 #2
I put the picture back into the drawer and closed it.
I didn't need it anymore. I had lost that feeling when I had lost him.
It had just taken me a long time to realize it.
I shoved my pens, notebook, and few pictures that still lined my desk into my purse.
I had just lost my job, but I didn't have a whole box like Jenkins because I never belonged here in the first place.
I grabbed the vase of flowers with the dozen roses that Mason had sent me.
I thought that all New York did was take.
It took Patrick from me. It took my self confidence.
It took all my money. But now I loved this stupid city, because if I hadn't moved here, I never would have met Mason.
The city had taken a lot, but it had given me more.
Mason was the reason that the picture of Patrick no longer bothered me.
I wasn't in love with Patrick anymore. I was in love with Mason.
I'm in love with Mason Caldwell.
I pressed the elevator button. I needed to tell him.
"Bee!" Kendra was slightly out of breath as she ran up to me. She looked at the flowers in my arm and then back at my face. "What happened?"
"I got fired."
"Seriously? Why?"
"Because I wouldn't suck his dick."
Kendra laughed. "Wait." She grabbed my arm. "He didn't actually ask you to do that?"
"In those words? No. But he undid his pants and told me to get on my knees."
"Holy shit. Bee, you have to tell someone."
"Who? My boss?"
"I don't know. Someone on the board maybe? There's people above him. He didn't start this company. It's sexual harassment. You could win that lawsuit."
"I really just want to put it behind me. I'm going to find something better."
"Anything is better than that. But what are you going to do? You couldn't afford your rent as it was."
For the first time, I realized what losing my job actually meant.
I didn't have any money. It was possible that my bank account was at zero.
I had student loans. And my rent was past due.
I hadn't been to my place in so long I had completely forgotten to pay Naomi.
"I..." my voice trailed off. "I don't know.
I just felt so good about elbowing him in the groin that I hadn't really processed what was happening. I just lost my job."
"You elbowed his dick?" Kendra started laughing.
"And now I'm going to be homeless."
"You're not homeless. You can come stay with me."
"But I can't afford half the..."
"I was paying it by myself anyway. Just until you get another job. Then you can pay half." She smiled at me. "You didn't think I was going to let you run back to Wilmington, did you? You belong here."
Several weeks ago I would have fought with her about that. But she was right. This is where I belonged. At least, this is where I needed to be right now. "Are you sure?"
"Of course I'm sure. I've been begging you to come live with me for months. Now you have no choice."
I laughed and gave her a big hug. "Thanks, Kendra. You're the best."
"I'm glad you're not pissed at me. I'm sorry if I got your hopes up. I really thought that position would be yours."
"Me too. It's not your fault. You're still the best."
She laughed. "I can't wait to shove that in Marie's face. She won't stop talking about how awesome she is since things have been going so well between you and Mason."
I released Kendra from my hug. "About that. When is it too soon to tell someone that you love them?"
Kendra smiled. "Wait for him to do that first."
"Okay. But what if..."
"Trust me, Bee. Let him say it first. If you're feeling that way, I'm sure he is too."
The elevator doors dinged open and I stepped on. Her words didn't really deter me. Mason had already told me he loved me. Right back there on my desk. I smiled to myself and stepped onto the elevator.
"Should I come over tonight to help you get your stuff?" Kendra asked.
"It's okay. I'm going to ask Mason to help me."
"Of course you are. See you later, roomie."
I smiled as the elevator doors closed.
***
I pulled out the last box that was in the corner of my closet.
I lifted off the lid. It was filled with things that Patrick had left here.
Including his worn University of New Castle t-shirt that I always used to sleep in.
After I had kicked him out I had slept in it until his scent had completely disappeared.
There was a scrapbook at the bottom of the box that I had made him, which led up to a photo that his friend had snapped of his proposal.
I didn't open it. He had left a few CDs and movies here when he had moved out.
Things that we had listened to or watched together.
I was pretty sure he had done it to torture me.
I had sat in that same shirt crying, watching Fight Club. Which was ridiculous.
I'd just throw the box away. I was done thinking about Patrick.
I didn't even feel sad about leaving the apartment.
Moving in with Kendra would be a fresh start.
I could officially leave the past in the past. Coming back to this apartment while I was dating Mason had felt strange anyway.
Like I was holding on to something. I was ready to let go. I put the lid back on top of the box.
Shit. Patrick still had a key. And I couldn't afford to pay the replacement fee. I pulled out my phone and quickly texted him.
"I'm moving out of our old place today. I need your key. And I have some stuff you left here. Could you stop by after work?" I pressed the send button.
I already knew what his response would be.
He had to work late and wouldn't be able to come.
That was always what he responded back to me when we were together.
And he'd wait awhile to respond. He wouldn't want me to think he didn't have anything better to do than text me.
Which was stupid. Because everyone always had their phones on them.
I almost jumped when my phone vibrated right away.
"I'm on a lunch break. Can I come now?"
So maybe that was just the way he acted when I cared if I got a response. "Yeah. I'm packing now. See you soon." I put my phone back down on the floor.
The last time I had been alone with Patrick was right here in this apartment. I had thrown my engagement ring at him. I ran my thumb along the spot where the ring had once been. I had spent five years of my life loving him. It was weird for that to suddenly mean so little.
I stood up and grabbed the wedding dress from the closet. It was the last thing hanging there. Patrick had never seen it. And he never would. I opened up the lid of the box labeled "donate" and put the dress inside. I never even tried it on after I got it. I quickly put the lid back on the box.
I wasn't in love with Patrick anymore. But that dress still made me want to cry. A wedding dress is full of hope. This one should have been black and ragged. It only symbolized our end. And I couldn't wait to drop it off at Goodwill.
There was a scraping sound in the lock on my door.
Patrick was just letting himself in without knocking, like he belonged here, like he still belonged in my life despite everything that had happened.
The door opened and he looked down at me.
He gave me a small smile and leaned against the door frame.
"Hey." I stood up and pointed down at the box filled with his stuff. "While I was packing I found some of your stuff if you want it. And I'll take that key."
"You got it," he said and tossed the key to me. I caught it in my hand. It was strange that I had never asked for it back. I kept hoping we'd be able to work it out. Asking for his key back seemed so final.
"I'm glad you still had it." I realized now that it was stupid for me to ask for it. It would have only cost a few dollars to get a copy made. Maybe a small part of me just wanted him to know that I was moving on too. That I was finally ready to let go.
"It was still on my keychain," he said.
"Why?"
He shrugged. "What made you decide to move?" He looked around the small room. "So many memories."
"It was just time to move on."
"Are you moving in with Mason?"
"It's none of your business."
"Bee." He said my name in that way that made me always confess all my worries to him. And what did it matter if he knew my reason for moving?
"I'm moving in with Kendra."
"Why?"
"I need to save money. I got fired today."
He stopped leaning against the door frame and walked into the room. He sat down on the end of the bed we used to share. "If you need money..."
"No. That's okay, Patrick."
He locked eyes with me. "I still care about you."
"I know." I wasn't angry anymore.
He put his elbows on his knees and leaned forward slightly. "So, what's in that box? I thought I got everything."
"You left some CDs and stuff like that."
"Right." He pulled the lid off the box and picked up the worn t-shirt. "I thought you loved this?" He smiled at me.
"I did."
"I want you to have it." He held it out to me.
"It's yours."
He brought it back down to his lap. "I'm not sure I ever remember you sleeping in anything else. Well, except when you didn't wear anything."
"I'm giving it back."
He looked down at the rest of the contents in the box, sifting through the DVDs and CDs. He pulled out the scrapbook I had made him and opened up to a random page. "I wanted you to have all this stuff. I left it here on purpose." He turned the page.
"It's yours. I made that for you. Everything in that box is yours. If you leave it here I'm just going to donate it."
"I'm not sure anyone's going to buy this scrapbook." He gave me a small smile.
"Especially if you don't even want it. I'll just throw it out."
"I want it." He closed it and tucked it under his arm. "And I want you to have this." He held the shirt out again."
I didn't want to fight with him. I reached out and grabbed it. Just having it on his lap for a second made it smell like him again.
"I'm sorry, Bee. I know you won't accept my apology, but I am. I'm so, so sorry."
I looked up at his face. He never looked so sincere. "I know. I'm sorry too."
He moved off the bed and sat next to me on the floor. "I wanted to call you after you gave the ring back. Every night. But I didn't know what to say. I knew that I broke your heart. That was the hardest part. Knowing that I hurt you. No excuse could fix that. But I am sorry. I fucked up."
"And what about you? Did us ending things break your heart?"
"You know it did. You were my first love, Bee. And I still love you. I think I always will."
I'd always love him too. But I wasn't in love with him anymore. That was the difference.
"Before moving here, I was terrified of losing you. It's funny that bringing you here was what tore us apart."
"You can't blame the city for that." I knew it was ironic. I had been blaming New York for everything that happened to me. But I knew how ridiculous that was. It was easy to put the blame on anything but myself.
He shrugged. "Yeah. I guess. Honestly, what it comes down to is that I thought I was ready to get married. I wasn't."
"You could have talked to me about it."
"I know. I just didn't want to lose you."
I didn't know what to say to him. So I just looked back down at the shirt in my hands.
"Are you still with him?"
I looked back up at Patrick. "Yes."
"He's bad news, Bee. I don't ever want you to feel what I made you feel again. And I know you're not willing to give me a second chance. I get that. I'm not trying to win you back here. But I care about you. You shouldn't be dating a guy like Mason."
"You don't really know him."
"No, I think you don't. He's a player and a cheat. He does whatever it takes to get ahead. He's not a good guy."
"You're wrong."
"He's cutthroat."
"Last time I saw you, you said that guys like him didn't date girls like me. Like I didn't deserve him."
"I meant that you're a good girl and he's a dick."
"I can take care of myself."
"I know you can. I'm just..."
"Worried that someone else will break my heart?"
He sighed and pulled out the DVD of Fight Club from the box. "You can donate all this stuff if you want. I can't watch this without thinking of you. You've ruined my favorite movie for me." He laughed and lifted the lid of the donation box before I could stop him.
My wedding dress was sitting on top. Patrick didn't say anything. Instead, he ran his hand down the lacy fabric and stared at it. I grabbed the lid to put it back on, but he pushed it away.
"You would have looked beautiful in this." He looked over at me. "I didn't know that you had bought a dress."
"What, did you expect me to wear, jean shorts and a tank top?"
He smiled. "I guess not." He moved his hand off the dress. "You're giving it away?"
"What else would I do with a wedding dress?"
"I'm sorry."
"You don't have to apologize anymore. You were right. I didn't pay enough attention to you. I was always beat from work. I blamed you, but it was my fault too. I never said I was sorry. But I am. I'm sorry too."
"I took you for granted."
"I let you."
He nodded and put his hand on my knee. "Whenever you walk down the aisle, make sure it's a guy that's worth it. Someone better than me. You deserve the best, Bee." He didn't say it, but he meant a guy that wasn't Mason.
"Thanks, Patrick."
He stood up and put his hand out for me.
I grabbed it and he pulled me to my feet.
He pulled me against his chest and wrapped his arms around me.
I breathed in his familiar scent. His hug was comforting.
I finally felt at peace with what had happened between us.
I thought I had gotten all the closure I needed at the gala.
But apologizing to him was what I had really needed.
"Losing you is the biggest regret of my life." He lightly kissed my forehead. "If you ever decide you're willing to give me a second chance, I still want it."
I took a deep breath, letting the scent of him linger around me for a second longer. I knew what he had just said, but I think we both knew this was the last time we were ever going to be together. I let go of his back and he released me from his hug.
"I still have your number." I smiled at him.
He grabbed the scrapbook off the bed and walked over to the door. I thought he was going to leave without looking back, but he turned around before closing the door. "And my shirt."
I hadn't realized it, but I was still holding it in my hand.
"Bye, Bee."
"Bye, Patrick."
Tears prickled my eyes when he closed the door. I took a deep breath. That was it. We were done. I tossed his shirt down on my bed. That was the only thing I'd keep. Because it was more than just a memory of him. It had been there for me when he hadn't been.