Untouchable - Chapter 23
Wednesday
I opened my locker to grab my gym clothes before class.
But instead of a neat pile of clothes staring back at me, there was an insulated lunch box.
I looked over my shoulder. Part of me expected to see Matt, but as promised, he’d been ignoring me all day.
Isabella had been attached to his hip as he walked past my locker this morning.
He’d kept his eyes trained ahead, laughing at something Isabella whispered in his ear.
The more I saw them together, the less I believed him.
He liked to whisper me promises in dark places.
But in the light of day? I was invisible.
The lunch box was placed exactly where one of Matt’s notes had been last week.
The note showing up in my locker could be explained away.
But a lunch box could not fit through the slats.
There was no doubt about it now. Matt somehow had access to my locker.
And my phone number. What else did he have access to?
I unzipped the lid on the lunchbox and looked down at a note on top of a salad.
Thought you might like this better. See you tonight.
Tonight? The note wasn’t addressed to me.
And it wasn’t signed by Matt. It was definitely from him though.
But what on earth was he talking about? We didn’t have plans tonight.
I’d be spending the rest of my nights this week in my room.
Grounded. And honestly, I was a little relieved.
All this drama with Matt and Felix and the rest of the Untouchables was too much.
Last night I’d sat outside on the fire escape thinking about all the ways Matt and Felix were different.
But there were a lot of similarities too.
And honestly, a lot of those were bad. I knew if I made a pro/con list for either of them, they’d both have more cons.
I wasn’t sure there was a right choice between the two.
All I should be focused on right now was putting one foot in front of the other.
Establishing a new life here in New York.
Matt and Felix only complicated things. And my life was complicated enough without them.
I pushed Matt’s note to the side and looked down at a prepared Caesar salad with extra parmesan shavings on top.
We’d ordered pizza last night at the Hunters’ mansion.
Or estate. Or whatever rich people called their too big homes.
I’d barely touched the pizza though because I was too nervous with Matt watching me.
So he’d bought me a salad for lunch today.
Which could have just been a weird thing he did with everyone he dated.
Or it could have been the fact that he was worried I didn’t eat enough last night.
Paired with the fact that I ordered a Caesar salad with extra parmesan shavings almost every day at lunch.
He’d noticed. He’d definitely noticed even though he sat across the cafeteria.
He noticed me. I zipped the lunchbox shut.
It was sweet that he’d been paying attention.
Sweeter that he bought me a salad for lunch.
I wasn’t sure why, but thinking about how sweet it was made my eyes watery.
It had been a long time since someone had taken care of me. A really long time.
I grabbed my clothes, tucked them under my arm, and hurried to gym.
I wasn’t going to break down crying in the halls of Empire High.
That would be asking for trouble. Isabella would probably slip on a puddle of my tears and sue me.
She’d do the whole thing right in front of Matt, and he wouldn’t say a word.
I delayed going to the gym for as long as possible.
Just like Matt had been avoiding me today, I’d been avoiding Felix.
I didn’t know what to say to him. Matt had made it clear that he wanted me to end things with Felix.
But I hadn’t exactly agreed. I did like Matt.
I really did. But I liked Felix too. So what if Felix didn’t know what kind of salad I liked to eat?
Although, Felix literally sat next to me at lunch.
If anyone should know what I ate, it would be him.
None of it mattered. I knew what I had to do.
After roll call, Felix caught up with me on my way to the track.
He threw his arm around my shoulders. “How was your third night of being grounded?”
I pressed my lips together. I knew what I needed to say to him. But I had all class to break the news. I looked up at him. “Actually, I was allowed out of the house for a group project.”
“Oh, that’s brilliant. What kind of group project can we make up together?”
I laughed. “I doubt my uncle would believe I had a gym project. Especially with you.”
“I can be very persuasive.”
Like when you persuaded him you and I wouldn’t drink at that party and then pressured me to? Or when you persuaded him that you’d have me home by 1 am? Maybe Felix was good at persuading people to do things, but he wasn’t good at keeping his word. He was a liar. Just like Matt.
I tried to shake away the thought, but it was locked in place.
I wasn’t sure how I had gotten so tangled up with both of them.
Going back to being invisible was going to be a blessing.
All I needed was Kennedy and my uncle. I ignored the voice in the back of my mind saying I needed my mom too.
She would have been able to help me sort through all of this.
We hadn’t had enough time. I needed more motherly advice. I needed her.
“I was thinking I could steal another first today,” Felix said as he pulled me in the opposite direction of the track.
The tears that had been threatening to escape all day finally slid down my cheeks. He was being sweet, just like Matt. And all I felt was…lost.
We stopped under the bleachers. “How about the first time anyone’s kissed you under the…” his voice trailed off. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
There was a lot wrong. But instead of one of the million excuses I had rolling around in my head, I settled on the truth. Because honestly, it all came back to this. My uncle was right. I needed someone to talk to. “I miss my mom. I miss her so much.”
“Oh.” His arm fell from my shoulders.
I swallowed down the lump in my throat. Oh? I was trying to have a conversation with him. “Oh” didn’t cut it. I needed him. Didn’t he see that? I needed someone to help me. “Sometimes it feels like it’s hard to breathe knowing that she isn’t.”
“I’m sorry, Brooklyn.” He shoved his hands into his sweatpants pockets.
And I never saw anything so clearly in my life.
I took a step back from him. He didn’t want to hear me.
He just wanted to make out under the bleachers with the new girl.
It was just some game to him. But the joke was on him, because if I was a game, I was missing tons of pieces and had been left out in the rain for months.
Abandoned. Forgotten. Broken. “I can’t do this. ” I turned around.
“Do what?”
I started walking away, but he grabbed my wrist.
“I’ve never lost anyone that was close to me, Brooklyn. I don’t know what to say that could possibly make it better. All I know what to do is say I’m sorry because I am. I’m so fucking sorry.”
I turned back to look at him. “I hate that phrase. ‘I’m sorry.’ It doesn’t mean anything. You have nothing to be sorry for. It wasn’t your fault.”
“But I’m sorry that you’re going through something on your own. I’m sorry that I don’t know how to react. I’m sorry for a lot of things.”
I took a deep breath.
He pulled me into his arms, resting his chin on the top of my head. “Or if you’d prefer it…I’m not sorry.”
I laughed into his soft t-shirt. “Better.” I kept the side of my face pressed against his chest.
“If you ever want to forget for just a few hours…you know I can help you with that.”
I closed my eyes. God, Kennedy was right.
He just wanted to sell me drugs. I should have slapped him.
Or pushed him off of me. But I was in desperate need of a hug.
So I just stayed where I was. For one minute.
Maybe five. But his sentence hung awkwardly in the air the whole time.
“I will never buy drugs from you, Felix.” There. It was out there.
“I wasn’t asking you to buy them, newb. I’d just give them to you.”
I closed my eyes tighter. So maybe he wasn’t trying to sell me drugs. But he was still pushing them. “Being numb is no way to live,” I said, quoting my uncle from my night over the toilet bowl.
Felix ran his hand up and down my back. “Okay.”
Another awkward silence stretched between us.
Felix cleared his throat. “You know, my parents are never around,” he said. “It’s probably one of the reasons we get along so well.”
I knew he was trying to understand. But he didn’t. His parents were coming back. I was never going to see my mom again. Or hear her laughter. Or dance with her around the kitchen. She wasn’t coming back. And I didn’t know how to let her go. But this helped. “Probably,” I said into his chest.
“So this can be written down in the books,” Felix said. “The first time you skipped gym class to hug someone under the bleachers.”
I laughed and looked up at him. I was supposed to be telling him I just wanted to be friends.
Not because Matt had told me to. But because I’d planned on telling both of them that today.
Friendship was all I needed. But would Felix still hold me like this if we were just friends?
Would he still try to listen to me when I was sad?
I had a feeling that he wouldn’t. And I didn’t want to have to say goodbye yet.
I hated goodbyes. The only one I’d ever had to say before was permanent.
***
My uncle turned off the TV and looked over at me. “You’ve been awfully quiet tonight. Something on your mind?”
I shook my head. “The movie was great. I was just really into it.” I hadn’t been paying attention at all. I didn’t even know what movie we had been watching.