Elite - Chapter 15 #2
His silence was the problem. Didn’t he see that? “Get out.” Maybe I was high, but I was damn sure about this.
“Brooklyn…”
“Get the hell out!”
“You don’t understand. James…”
“He’s one of your best friends. I know. I get that. What I don’t get is why I don’t matter. You make me feel like I’m nothing.”
“Of course you matter. I’m standing here telling you I love you. You mean everything to me.”
“It’s not enough. Love isn’t ignoring someone when they get milk thrown on them during lunch. Love isn’t not acknowledging me in public…”
“You know I can’t. You know what will happen if Isabella tells James...”
“That’s the thing, Matt. I don’t. What will happen to James if you come clean? What secret do you have that will hurt him? What could possibly be worse than this?”
“I can’t…”
“Tell me! What is worse than not being there for your girlfriend when she just lost everything? What is worse than that?”
“Losing him!”
It felt like his words echoed around me.
“You’re scared he won’t be your friend anymore?
I’m pretty sure friendship has built-in forgiveness.
” At least, I hoped so. Because I needed a lot of forgiveness from Kennedy if she really was in love with Felix.
But my stomach was twisted into knots. Because shouldn’t all relationships have built-in forgiveness?
And I wasn’t forgiving Matt. What is wrong with me?
He sat down on the edge of my bed. “No, I don’t mean he’d stop being my friend. But yeah, I’m sure that would happen too.”
“Then what did you mean?”
“I think he might kill himself, Brooklyn.” It looked like he was going to cry. Like the confession was breaking him in two. But instead he just put his elbows on his knees and looked down at the ground.
I didn’t know what to say. All I could think about was that James looked…
sad. If there was one word I could have chosen to describe him, that probably would have been it.
He drank too much. He was addicted to some kind of drug to the point where he’d blackmailed me.
He was even more lost than me. “Do you really think James would do…that?”
“Yes. No. I don’t know. Maybe.” He looked so sad. “His parents gave him some bullshit ultimatum about having to break up with Rachel or they’ll cut him off.”
I’d heard the rumors about how Isabella and James were supposed to end up together. I thought it was just…rumors. But his parents cutting him off for dating someone else? All rumors were based on the truth. “What is he going to do?” I asked.
“I don’t know. But he’s already depressed.
Did you know that he used to play football with Mason and me?
And then suddenly his parents decided sports were a waste of time, so they pulled him from the team.
He started drinking first. I don’t even know what the hell he’s taking anymore.
He’s drowning and I feel like I’m the only one that can tell it’s getting worse every day. And I don’t know what to do.”
“Matt.” I knelt down in front of him so that I could see his face. “If you’re worried that he might try to kill himself, we need to tell someone.”
“You don’t think I’ve tried that?” He finally made eye contact with me. “Rob just thinks I’m being paranoid because of what happened last year. He says he has it all under control. But he doesn’t. He can’t watch James 24/7.”
“What happened last year?”
He looked up at me with a frown, as if he was realizing he let too much slip. “Nothing.”
But I wasn’t going to let him out of this conversation so easily. “Did James already try this?”
“No.”
“So what happened?”
He shook his head.
“We need to tell James’ parents about this.” No, they were the worst. They were part of the reason all this was happening. “Or maybe the school counselor. Or some other adult. What about your parents? They could help.”
“They wouldn’t listen either.”
“Why? I believe you. I’ve seen James out of control. We can’t get him the help he needs. I wouldn’t even know where to start. But an adult would. And they’ll believe you too.”
“They won’t actually.”
“Why not?”
“Because they all know the truth.” He looked down at his hands.
I slipped my hand between his.
“I’m not supposed to tell anyone about what really happened,” he said, as if that was the end of it.
“I think I’ve proven that I know how to keep a secret. Please, Matt.” Let me in.
For a few moments, he didn’t say anything at all. I wasn’t even sure if he was breathing. “My parents paid someone off to change the autopsy report, but the Hunters know. They were there that night.” He cleared his throat. “And I guess now you’ll know too.” He still didn’t look up at me.
I squeezed his hand.
“I found my aunt hanging from the chandelier in my house last Christmas Eve. And I…I don’t want to find someone I love like that ever again.”
Oh, Matt. Tears welled in my eyes. I thought about the rumor about how his great great grandmother or something like that had hung herself from the chandelier in their foyer.
Rumors always started with a grain of the truth.
I’d just thought that about James and Isabella. And it was true in both cases.
Matt was always so put together. He was the only Untouchable that I thought was truly happy.
But that was just the front he put on. He was as broken as me.
That was why he always knew the right thing to say to me.
That was why he knew all I needed was for him to hold me.
He just…knew. He knew what it felt like to lose someone.
I climbed up on his lap and straddled him on the bed. I understood all of it. The pain he carried around. The fear too. I placed my head on his shoulder and wrapped my arms around his back. “My heart hurts for you,” I whispered into the side of his neck.
For a few minutes we just sat there holding each other in silence. It always felt like he took away some of my pain when he held me. I hoped I was doing the same for him.
“I can’t stand the thought of you hating me,” he said into my hair. “I can’t lose you too.”
It didn’t matter how mad I was. I loved him. I loved him so much that it hurt. That’s why I was hurting right now. That’s why he was hurting. I didn’t want to cause him any more pain. “Of course I don’t hate you, Matt. I just didn’t very much like you for a couple days there.”
“I’m sorry.”
I shook my head. He didn’t have to apologize. I got it. I really did. He was scared of losing someone else. Maybe he was projecting his fears of suicide onto James. Maybe he wasn’t. But either way, I could see his fears becoming reality. And I would never do something to jeopardize James’ health.
“Can you tell me about your aunt?” I asked. And then my stomach growled embarrassingly loud. I laughed because I didn’t know what else to do.
He leaned back with a smile on his face. But I saw it now. The sadness in his eyes. How had I not seen it before?
“I don’t even know if you’re going to remember any of this tomorrow,” he said. “But yeah, I’d like that.” His smile grew. “You have the munchies, though, so let me go grab us some food from downstairs and then I’ll tell you all about her.”
I moved off his lap and watched him leave. And I tried not to think about the fact that he knew where the kitchen was because of his visits with Isabella. Or the fact that I might forget all of this in the morning. I touched the side of my head. Stupid Cupcake.
I shook away the thought. Our fight from a few minutes ago had changed everything.
Matt had lost someone too. He was just like me.
I didn’t feel nearly as alone anymore. And at least I understood now why he couldn’t just come clean.
But I was very aware of the fact that nothing had really changed.
He hadn’t told me what Isabella was blackmailing him for. And I’d still be a secret.