Betrayal - Chapter 10
Sunday
Matt caught my hand. “Please don’t take it off. I want you to wear it.”
He wouldn’t in a second. I placed the ring down in his palm and closed his fingers around it. But instead of moving away, I kept his hand wrapped in mine.
“I made a mistake,” I said.
“Okay. We can fix it together.”
God, why was he so sweet? “I just need to tell you everything, okay? And I need you to listen to all of it. And then if you want me to leave, I will.”
“I’m not letting you go back to the Pruitts. You have nothing to worry about. I talked to my dad and…”
“It’s not about that. Please, just let me get this off my chest.”
He pulled his eyebrows together, but he didn’t say a word.
I picked up the story about James where I’d left off before. How he came back to the apartment with me. Washed my cuts. Held me in the shower and let me cry.
“Did you kiss him again?” Matt asked. His voice wasn’t angry. He just sounded…defeated.
“No. I promised you I wouldn’t, remember?”
He just stared at me.
“At homecoming. You told me not to kiss him again. I promised I wouldn’t. That kiss was a mistake. I saw you with Rachel and I was so angry.” I pressed my lips together. It didn’t matter why I kissed James. It only mattered that I had.
He nodded, even though I knew that night was foggy for him. “Do you have feelings for him?”
“I think I feel close to him because he’s sad. He knows what it feels like to be drowning all the time. It was nice to be miserable together.” I used James’ words to describe it. “But I love you. I only want to be with you.”
Matt’s hand was still cradled in mine. I held it tighter, afraid he might pull away. But it wasn’t necessary. Because he just shook his head.
“Then there’s nothing for me to be upset about,” he said. “James was there for you when I couldn’t be.” He ran his tongue along his lower lip, like he always did when he was thinking. “I can’t be mad at anyone but myself.”
That wasn’t how I wanted him to feel. But he was being more understanding than I thought he would be.
One of the reasons we’d broken up in the first place was because he’d gotten mad when I borrowed Felix’s blazer at school.
He wasn’t usually so understanding when it came to me hanging out with other boys.
But I had to take this as a win. Because there was more to confess.
“That’s not everything,” I said.
He just stared at me, his dark brown eyes swirling with something I didn’t understand.
“While we were fighting, I felt so alone. And I was scared at the Pruitts’ apartment.” God, why was I making excuses? That wasn’t what this was about. This was about Matt and me no longer having secrets. I took a deep breath. “I started seeing someone. He…”
“Was it James?”
I shook my head. “No.”
“Was it Felix?”
“No. It’s…”
“If it wasn’t one of them, I don’t want to know who it was.”
“But…”
Matt pulled his hand out of mine.
It stung worse than I ever thought it would. I felt so cold when he wasn’t touching me. And I had this weird sensation that maybe my father used to be warm too. And that when my mom left his life, he’d turned cold and bitter. I blinked away my tears.
Matt stood up and now I recognized the look on his face. I assumed it was how I looked when I first stepped into Empire High. Broken.
I’d been so worried that he’d break my heart. Why hadn’t I protected his?
“Did you kiss whoever it was?” he asked.
“Yes.” I held my breath.
“Did you sleep with him?”
“No.” I shook my head. “I mean, technically I slept in his bed, but we didn’t…”
He winced. “I don’t want to hear any more.”
“I’m done with everyone else, Matt. The next time I see him, I’ll make sure he knows. And I’ll make sure to tell Felix the same. I’ll even make sure James knows. I love you and only you,” I said.
“Okay.”
He didn’t say he loved me back. And I didn’t know what he meant by okay. But it didn’t sound like anything was okay. He just stood there, staring at me, a frown on his perfect face.
“Okay.” The word was barely audible from my lips.
He kept staring at me. His chest rose and fell. And then he turned away, like he couldn’t bear to look at me anymore.
That was a dismissal. He didn’t have to say the words.
I knew when I wasn’t wanted. I slowly stood up.
I grabbed my pajamas off his nightstand and pulled them to my chest. My mom’s perfume wafted around me.
Was this how my mom felt when she walked away from my dad?
Like her heart was in a million little pieces?
Matt ran his hand through his perfect golden hair. For just a few minutes, I’d been the one to do that for him.
I clutched the pajamas closer to my chest. My mom had walked away to protect me. But walking away from Matt? That wasn’t protecting anyone. It was killing me. Was it killing him too? I stood there for another moment, hoping he’d turn around. But he didn’t.
And just like that, I was invisible again. Staring at him from a distance. Wanting him desperately, but knowing I could never have him.
“I’m so sorry, Matt. I should have heard you out right away.
I was just so…angry with you. I thought you were keeping what happened with Rachel a secret in part because you didn’t want to tell me the truth.
And I didn’t understand why you didn’t trust me with what Isabella had on you.
I didn’t understand why you kept me in the dark.
I would have believed you if you’d been upfront about it.
And I would have kept your secret.” I instantly regretted the last thing I said.
“Yeah, you’re good at secrets, Brooklyn.”
Ouch. I bit the inside of my lip. It hurt because he was right. “I was never trying to hurt you. I was just trying not to…drown.”
He didn’t respond. He just shoved his hands into his pockets and looked down at the ground.
I didn’t want to leave his bedroom. I didn’t want to have to leave with Miller. It all felt wrong. But what was I supposed to do? Beg him to let me stay? “Matt?”
He didn’t look up.
What was I doing? I wasn’t going to beg him.
He’d dismissed me. I would have done the same.
Just thinking about him kissing someone else made my chest ache.
I held the pajamas closer to my chest as if it would prevent my heart from breaking any more.
There was nothing else to say. I’d lost my mom and my uncle.
And it made me feel abandoned and alone.
And I’d just held on to anyone and anything that offered me comfort.
Matt didn’t understand what it was like to lose everything.
Yes, he’d lost his aunt, but it wasn’t the same.
And even though it wasn’t an excuse for my behavior, it had still happened.
I couldn’t undo it. I couldn’t rewind time, even though I desperately wanted to.
I’d just lost the best thing I’d ever had. And I was so fucking sorry.
Part of me wanted to close the distance between us and hug him.
But he looked so un-inviting. He didn’t want me anymore.
And I had no one to blame but myself. It felt like I didn’t know how to do anything right anymore.
He was all I wanted. Why had I messed it up?
Why? I walked past him before I broke. He didn’t stop me.
It stung worse than him removing his hand from mine.
I opened the door, but he reached out and slammed it shut. His body was pressed to my back, caging me in.
“No more running,” he said, his breath hot on the back of my neck. “For once, you’re going to stay. We’re going to fight. And then we’ll make up.”
“Matt…”
He kissed the side of my neck and I lost the ability to speak. His lips felt so much freaking better than the tears falling down my cheeks. He slid the ring back on my finger as he kissed my neck again and more tears fell.
I thought he was kicking me out. But he wanted me to stay? I tried to turn around but he pulled me against him.
“I don’t want to fight with you,” I said.
“Too bad.” He lightly nipped my earlobe. “Because I’m furious with you.”
“Matt, I’m sorry, I…”
“Tell me,” he said, cutting me off. “Did he touch you here?” His fingers slid beneath my shirt, skimming the top of my underwear.
I swallowed hard. “No.”
“What about here?” His fingers slid beneath the lacy material.
“No.” My head rolled back on his shoulder. This didn’t feel like a fight. It felt like we were already making up.
“Did you want him? To touch you there?”
“Never.”
“Brooklyn.” His voice cracked.
I closed my eyes. We definitely hadn’t skipped the fight. Or else he wouldn’t have sounded so sad. “He didn’t touch me like this,” I said. “And I didn’t want him to.”
“Then why did you sleep in his bed?”
“Because I felt alone.”
“Imagine how I felt.” His fingers slid lower. “You wouldn’t answer my texts or calls. You iced me out. I was suffering just as much as you.”
He was right. I should have heard him out.
I was hurt but I should have cared that he was hurting.
“I thought you were keeping a secret to protect your friend,” I said.
“And when I found out it was because you did something to hurt him? It was hard to believe your side.” Especially because I hadn’t given him a chance to explain.
“So you ran from me instead of talking? Why is your first instinct to run?”
“I don’t know.” It was hard talking to him when his fingers were so distracting.
“You do.” His lips traced the back of my ear. “Tell me.”
I squeezed my eyes shut. “It’s hard for me to love people, Matt. Everyone I love leaves me.”
His kiss was gentle on my neck. “So why’d you leave me if you knew how much it fucking hurts?”
I was protecting my heart because he kept hurting it. And if I gave it to him like he was asking? I could lose everything. “Because then you couldn’t leave me.”
“I would never leave you, Brooklyn. I don’t know how many times I can say it. I don’t know how many times you have to push me away to prove that I’ll keep coming back. But I’m not going anywhere. You belong with me.”
I nodded. I did. I belonged in his arms. Just like this.
“Do you promise to stop running from me?”
“Yes.” His fingers slid slightly lower. God.
“I don’t want you talking to James anymore.”
The segue didn’t surprise me at all. I almost expected him to have a few contingencies. I’d proven that I was an untrustworthy flight risk. And if this is what he needed for me to prove I wasn’t, I’d give it to him. My friendship with James wasn’t worth losing Matt. “I won’t. I swear.”
There was a long stretch of silence.
“Okay,” he finally said. It didn’t sound like a dismissal this time.
I tried to turn to face him again but he gripped my waist, keeping me in place.
“Tell me what you want right now.” The tip of his nose ran down the side of my neck before he nibbled my shoulder through the thin fabric of his t-shirt. “And maybe I’ll give it to you.”
I swallowed hard. Not this again. Was he hellbent on torturing me?
I didn’t know what to say. No, that wasn’t exactly true.
I knew exactly what I wanted. “Touch me.” I wanted to skip to the make up portion he promised.
I never wanted to fight with him again. I expected an explosion, not a heated conversation where he held me hostage with his hands.
He fought unfairly. I’d always give him whatever he wanted like this.
“Here?” He kissed my shoulder where he’d just bitten.
“No,” I moaned. “Lower.”
“Here?” He kissed farther down on my shoulder blade, his hand not moving an inch.
“No, not there.”
“Say it, Brooklyn. Tell me what you want from me.” He tugged on my earlobe with his teeth.
“Poke me in the pants.” What? Really? That’s what I came up with? I wasn’t even wearing pants.
He laughed, kissing the side of my neck. “As endearing as that is…I want you to tell me that you need my fingers inside of you. Or would you rather have my tongue?”
“All of it.”
He finally let me turn around to face him. His eyes weren’t cold and distant anymore. He looked hungry. For me.
“I want all of you,” I whispered.
He grabbed my ass and lifted me up, slamming my back against his door.
I wrapped my legs around his waist as his lips collided with mine.
“You said you didn’t want to do this when I was mad at you the other day,” I said between kisses. “Shouldn’t we wait until you’re not mad at me?”
He kissed me again as he carried me over to his bed and tossed me down on it.
I bounced before sagging into the soft mattress.
“I’m not mad at you.” He leaned over top of me. “I’m in love with you. There’s a huge difference.”
“I’m in love with you too.”
“But I do need you to agree to a few rules before we go any further.”
I nodded. Sex rules? Was that a thing? Or a safe word or something? Why would I need that? What is he planning on doing to me?!
“From now on, you’ll kiss only me.” He pushed up my t-shirt and planted a kiss on my stomach. “You’ll only fall asleep in my arms.” Another kiss a little lower. “I will be your first and only husband.”
I laughed.
He bit my skin in response.
Oh.
“You’ll come to me when you’re in trouble.
” He kissed the same spot he’d just bitten.
“And you’ll give me the rest of your firsts.
” His fingers hooked in the waistband of my panties.
“And you’ll never run away from me again.
We fight for each other. Always and forever.
” He pulled my panties down my thighs. “Agreed?”
Fuck yes. I lifted myself up on my elbows so I could look at him. “I promise, Matt.”
He kissed the inside of my thigh, making me shiver.
He locked eyes with me as he lowered his mouth. “Now I think it’s time we took care of a few of those firsts, don’t you think? I think you requested all of it? But let’s start slow. I have two things in mind I think you might really enjoy.”
I nodded. I had no idea what two things he was talking about. But when his mouth collided with my skin, I knew I wanted everything he could give me. Two things. Ten things. Every single thing. I’d give him all my firsts if they felt this fucking good.
This time when my fingers tangled with his hair I felt more complete than I had in months. More alive. More loved. I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t just barely holding on. I was freaking soaring.