Betrayal - Chapter 40
Wednesday
Matt
I was still numb. I’d gone from rage to despair.
I’d called the cops on Isabella, convinced that she was somehow behind it.
I’d hired a private investigator, thinking maybe Brooklyn was still alive and out there somewhere alone and scared.
Hell, I’d even thought I’d seen her in the street.
But I’d just scared some random girl half to death when I grabbed her arm.
From rage to despair, all the way back to… numb.
I looked over at the coffin. I wanted to climb inside and stop breathing. I wanted to stop feeling this hollowness in my chest. I just wanted my fucking girl back.
Someone in the church cleared their throat.
And I realized I’d just been standing up here saying nothing.
“I was supposed to marry Brooklyn next month,” I said into the microphone.
The mic made a squealing noise, like it was rejecting the past tense words that didn’t make any fucking sense coming out of my mouth.
“And I don’t really know what to say about our ending, when all I was thinking about recently was our beginning.
” I swallowed down the lump in my throat.
“I wrote my vows to her a few weeks ago. Before…this.” I looked over at the coffin again. How could she be dead? How was this happening? I took a deep breath and pulled out the folded up piece of paper in my pocket. I stared down at the words that I’d planned to say to her on our wedding day.
“I don’t know anything better to say than how I feel about her.
” The words started to blur in front of me, but I knew them by heart anyway.
“Brooklyn. When I first met you, you thought you were invisible. But I always saw you. The first thing I loved about you was how your eyes lit up whenever you saw me. Like I was the only one that could make you happy.”
Happy? Fuck. I destroyed her. I wiped the tears out of my eyes. I had to get through this. I had to let her know.
“But you were the one making me happy. You were a breath of fresh air in this city. I was infatuated with you before we ever spoke. And I fell harder for you every single day since you first let me in. And I know that I’ll keep falling harder every day from here.”
I dropped my head. “I know you’re scared of time. But I’m giving you all of mine. Every second. I’ll cherish you, Brooklyn. I’ll keep you safe.” I choked on my words.
“I know that we’re young. But you’ve taught me that the one thing in this life we can’t waste is time.
” I shook my head. “Baby, I can’t imagine my life without you.
I’d be lost if we weren’t together. I’m only happy when I know that you’re happy too.
And it took me being an idiot, but I know for a fact that I’m only really living when we’re together.
And I don’t want to go another day without you by my side. ”
I took a deep breath. “I promised to be all your firsts. First kiss. First love. First husband.” When I’d written these vows, I could picture her smiling at that.
An inside joke that not one damn person would understand but her.
And she wasn’t fucking here to laugh with me.
“And there are so many more firsts we’ll get to experience together.
First child…” my voice cracked. I couldn’t read this part.
I couldn’t make myself think about all the firsts that had been ripped away from us.
I wiped my face and skipped to the last paragraph.
“Brooklyn Sanders. Or Pruitt. It doesn’t matter what your last name was.
Because you’re a Caldwell now. My wife.” I tried to steady my voice, but it was impossible.
“My home. My heart. My best friend. And the love of my life. I promised you that I’ve only ever loved you.
And that I will only ever love you. And I’m standing here today, doubling down on that promise, baby.
Because I will love you and only you until the day I die. ”
I promise. I walked down from the altar and past the pew where my family was sitting.
I heard my mom call my name, but I kept walking.
No one could say anything to fix this. And I couldn’t sit here and listen to any more speeches about how much other people would miss Brooklyn.
Because they wouldn’t miss her like I would.
They didn’t love her like I did. I was all she had.
She’d told me that. I was supposed to be her rock. And she’d died thinking I hated her.
I knew what it felt like to not be able to breathe now. Because my lungs fucking hurt every second of every day that Brooklyn wasn’t beside me. It was like the pain was eating me whole. Or maybe it was the regret.
How was I supposed to keep going without her? I couldn’t imagine a world where she was gone. I thought I’d known what the pain of a short life felt like when I’d lost my aunt. But this? It was like a knife twisting in my chest.
I pushed out the doors of the church. The cool autumn breeze rushed past me.
And like everything in this world, it reminded me of her.
And how she’d told me how she and her mom used to rake leaves and jump in them every fall.
I’d never even gotten the chance to do that with her.
She couldn’t be gone yet. There was still so much we had to do.
I wanted to wake up from this nightmare.
How was this the end? I sat down on the front steps and put my face in my hands.
How was I supposed to keep going without her?
Someone put their hand on my shoulder.
I looked up to see Mason sitting down beside me. He didn’t offer any words. Because what could he say?
James and Rob joined us a second later.
“Matt?” James said. He stepped in front of me. He wiped the tears off his cheeks and shook his head. “I gotta tell you. Brooklyn didn’t know how far the prank was going to go. I didn’t even know.”
“It was my fault,” Rob said. He wiped a tissue under his nose. “I just thought it would be funny. I wasn’t trying to mess with your relationship, Matt. I swear.”
I nodded. Rob always took jokes too far. He didn’t have to explain that to me, I’d seen plenty of his pranks firsthand.
“And she really was just trying to get us all to be friends again,” James said. “We made a deal. That if she helped us with the prank, we’d try to sort things out with you guys.”
I knew that too. I’d listened to all the missed voicemails. And read all the texts that I’d originally ignored. Brooklyn had explained everything.
I thought about the last voicemail she left me. She’d been crying. And she called me a hypocrite. Her last words to me. You’re a fucking hypocrite.
And mine to her? I’d told her I didn’t believe in her.
And called her a liar. And walked out instead of having a conversation with her.
I’d left her feeling alone, when being alone was her greatest fear.
Having no one that loved her. And time. Time and not having enough of it.
It felt like there was a knife in my chest twisting every time I thought about her.
Did she die thinking I didn’t love her? Was that the last thing she remembered of me?
“It’s okay,” I said. It wasn’t. I forgave James and Rob for the prank. I did. But what they’d roped Brooklyn into doing had set me off. That prank caused me to say those terrible things to Brooklyn. My last fucking words to her.
So I hated James.
I hated Rob.
But I hated myself the most.
Rob sat down next to me. “I feel awful. I should have told her about the rest of the prank. She was so mad at me. I never meant to upset her. I thought…I don’t know what I thought. Well, I thought she’d think it was funny. But she wasn’t laughing. And I hate that she was mad at me at the end.”
James nodded. “That look on her face after you left, Matt. She was so mad at us. I felt awful. I never meant to hurt her. I really liked her. She was perfect. For you. She was perfect for you. And I’m really sorry that I interfered at all.
I never should have flirted with your girl.
I’m just…I’m really fucking sorry, Matt. ”
I looked down at my shoes. I couldn’t even look at him.
I’d been waiting for him to apologize to me.
But the wound felt too fresh. He’d flirted with her brazenly right in front of me.
Like it was all a game. Nothing felt like a game anymore.
“It’s okay,” I finally said. It wasn’t. But I didn’t have the energy to hold a grudge right now. I just needed my friend back.
“I told her not to follow you after the prank,” Mason said. “I was so cold to her.” He grabbed a tissue out of his pocket. “I feel like a dick.”
“You guys have nothing to feel guilty about,” I said. I was the one that was guilty. Not them. She’d relied on me. I was the one that let her down.
“Do you want to talk about it?” James asked.
I shook my head.
“Maybe another time? You guys could come over later. Like old times.” He smiled, but I could tell it was forced. There was no going back to old times now that Brooklyn was gone. And we all knew it.
“I can’t talk about it.” I couldn’t voice what I’d done. My horrible last words to her. Saying it out loud would make it feel more real. I hated that she thought I hated her. I hated that I’d let her down.
They all waited like they thought I’d change my mind.
“I can’t, you guys.”
“Okay,” Rob said. “Then we won’t talk about it.” He put his hand out. “Let’s all promise to never talk about her again. Not until Matt’s ready to.”
“Yeah.” James put his hand on top of Rob’s. “We all fucked up.”
Mason put his hand on top of James’. “If we hadn’t been fighting, there wouldn’t have been a prank. And we never would have said those things to her.” He shook his head like he felt guilty too.
I just stared at the three of their hands. They could feel bad about how they’d treated her, but they’d never feel as guilty as I did. And maybe they could just turn off a switch and never think of her again, but I couldn’t. I loved her.
“So we won’t talk about her until Matt’s ready?” Rob asked.
Mason nodded.
James looked like he was going to start crying again. “Yeah.”
They all turned to me. Maybe it would help them not to talk about her.
But it wouldn’t help me. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to.
I just…couldn’t. I couldn’t talk about her without falling apart.
I placed my hand on top of theirs anyway though.
Because it was what Brooklyn would have wanted.
She’d been trying to fix us. This was the first time we’d talked in weeks. She’d want this.
“Friends again?” Rob asked.
I hated them. But I nodded. I’d pretend to be their friend until I could actually be their friend again. Maybe once I could forgive them for making Brooklyn think I hated her before she died. Maybe once I forgave myself.
“Friends on three,” James said with a smile.
I shook my head and threw my hand up when they did. I watched Rob and Mason walk back into the church.
“I really am sorry,” James said. “She was a great girl.”
“I thought we weren’t supposed to talk about her.”
He nodded. “For now. But whenever you’re ready to talk about her again, I’m here.”
I wouldn’t be taking him up on his offer.
It wasn’t that I just blamed him in part for the horrible last words I ever spoke to Brooklyn.
He’d also robbed time from us. His girlfriend had kissed me.
Not the other way around. And I’d tried to keep the secret to protect him.
Because I was fucking worried that he’d take his own life.
But he was still standing here breathing. And Brooklyn was dead.
I’d wasted weeks of my time with her, keeping her a secret, hurting her feelings…because of my loyalty to him. So he couldn’t fucking stand here and tell me he was here for me. I was the one who had been there for him. Not the other way around. James wasn’t my friend.
“I really am sorry,” he said.
I knew he meant it. And I knew that Brooklyn wanted me to forgive him.
Fuck. I took a deep breath. I had to let it go.
I knew he was sorry. And honestly? I was sorry too.
I was sorry I hadn’t told him right away when Rachel had kissed me.
I was sorry that we’d stopped being friends in the first place.
Brooklyn was right. I couldn’t just cut him out so easily. James was like a brother to me.
I expected James to walk back into the church with Mason and Rob. Instead, he sat down next to me. Maybe he was the one worried about me now.
I’d forgive him eventually. I knew I would.
One day I’d be able to call him my friend and mean it.
But that day wasn’t today. It was better that we just sat in silence.
It was nice of him to stay though. It made me feel a little less alone.
He knew I needed him. And wasn’t that all friendship really was?
After all, time was limited. Just like Brooklyn had said.
I didn’t want to waste any more of it by fighting with James.
And I just really needed my friend back right now.
“She loved you,” James said.
The past tense made the knife in my chest twist again. But they were still somehow the exact words I needed to hear. Brooklyn did love me. And I’d always love her. I just nodded. Because there was nothing else to say.