Matchmaker - Chapter 16
Saturday
After a few more minutes passed without Ash returning, I threw my napkin down on the table and went toward the restrooms. It was better to check there first. If she was planning a great escape, she was probably already gone.
There was no reason to look outside for her.
But if she was stuck in a stall or something and needed help?
It was at least polite to check. “Ash?” I said and knocked on the door to the women’s restroom.
No response.
“Ash?” I said a little louder.
No response.
For fuck’s sake. Did she really ditch me?
I opened up the door just to check and saw Ash standing in the middle of the restroom with her sweatshirt off.
Just standing in a public restroom with nothing on but a bra and her jeans.
She was trying to dry the sweatshirt underneath the hand drier, while at the same time blotting it with paper towels.
“No, he’s gorgeous!” Ash said to no one at all.
She talks to herself too?
“Why didn’t you tell me he was gorgeous?!” Ash practically cried as she hit the hand drier button again.
“Then stop hiding in the bathroom and get out there!” said someone else.
I looked over to see where the other voice had come from. Ash’s phone was balancing precariously on the edge of the sink. I’m assuming this was her friend Chastity encouraging her through the speaker.
“I can’t go back out there! I look like a homeless person!”
I couldn’t help the smile that spread across my face.
“I’m sure you don’t look homeless,” replied Chastity.
“I do. I’m wearing my binge-watching sweatshirt.”
“You are not,” gasped Chastity. “I told you to dress up! What is wrong with you?!”
“I don’t know!” Ash blotted the pit stains with more paper towels.
“Seriously though, who is this guy, Chastity? He looks like he walked out of the pages of a magazine! You told me he wasn’t going to be cute.
That this was just a practice run for getting back out there.
You’re a dirty liar! Because he’s the definition of perfection and now he thinks I have some sort of explosive diarrhea because I’ve been in here for. ..”
“Fourteen minutes,” offered her friend. “He definitely thinks you shat your pants.”
“No!” Ash said and slammed her fist against the hand drier again. “Chastity, tell me how I can undo this?”
I cleared my throat.
Ash’s eyes grew round when she saw me. She slapped her phone off the counter instead of simply ending the call. Then for some reason she threw the sweatshirt on the ground like it was contraband. And then she yelped and put her hands directly onto her breasts to hide her bra.
I burst out laughing. I couldn’t help it.
For a second I thought she was going to cry. Or scream. Instead she started laughing too. “This is the worst date in the history of dates,” she said, half sobbing through her laughter.
I couldn’t deny that fact. “It’s not off to a great start.”
“God, what is wrong with me? I’m half naked in a public restroom. I should be arrested.”
“Your secret is safe with me. How about you put your sweatshirt back on and meet me back out there?”
She laughed again. “Are you serious? You’re not going to report me?”
“I’m not going to report you. But I might report this place for pests. Did you just see that centipede run under the sink?”
Ash screamed at the top of her lungs and threw herself at me. “Save me!”
She almost knocked me over, but I somehow managed to catch her without slipping on the tiled floor.
She was half naked and pressed against me. Her breasts practically shoved in my face and somehow my hands had wound up on her ass.
“Is it gone?!” she shrieked.
“Um.” I tried to tilt my head to see. “I don’t see him.” Although I was very distracted by her breasts in my face.
“He could be anywhere by now. Centipedes are at the very top of my list of greatest fears. Why do they have so many legs? No bug should need so many legs when four or six are plenty.”
I laughed. “It’s fine, Ash. I don’t think he’s coming back out.”
“Okay.” But she didn’t let go of me. If anything, she gripped my shoulders even tighter.
It had been a long time since someone had needed me like this. I swallowed hard and put her down before I did something stupid like kiss this maniac.
“I’m so sorry that this date is such a disaster,” she said.
“There is literally no way to come back from this unless I drop to my knees right now.” Her eyes grew huge.
“Which I’m not going to do. Because I don’t even know you.
I don’t blow strangers in bathrooms. I swear.
I’m not that kind of girl. Unless that’s something you…
nope. Pretend I didn’t offer to do that.
Oh my God please say something so I can stop talking! ” She put her hand on her forehead.
And that’s when I noticed the engagement and wedding rings on her freaking ring finger. “You’re married?” I said. What in the hell was happening right now?
“No! I mean, yes. God.” She threw her hands up. “I’m separated from my asshole soon-to-be ex-husband. This is the first first-date I’ve been on since college. I’m a little out of practice. And a lot a bit of a walking disaster, okay? Happy?”
There was a knock on the door. “Is everything okay in there?” said a male voice. The door started to open and Ash threw her half naked self against it, blocking whoever was on the other side from coming in.
“I need some privacy!” she yelled.
“Are you okay, miss? I heard yelling…”
“Diarrhea!” she shouted and then cringed as she looked at me. “You better stay away for your own sake!”
“Um. Okay. If you need anything…”
“No, we’re good! I mean, I’m good. Because I’m all alone in here.”
“Alrighty then,” said the person on the other side of the door.
“I’m definitely going to prison,” she mumbled. “Do you think they have cameras in here?”
No. “I’m sorry, can we circle back real quick to what was happening before you yelled diarrhea at a complete stranger?”
She pressed her lips together.
“So you’re getting divorced soon?”
“The lawyers are working on it. We no longer live together. And we definitely no longer speak. Trust me, if I could speed the whole thing along I would. I fucking hate Joe Dickson with a fiery passion.”
“Joe Dickson?” She couldn’t possibly be talking about the same prick I went to high school with. “Cupcake Joe Dickson?”
She lowered her eyebrows. “I mean he sells cupcakes. But no one calls him Cupcake Joe Dickson. Wait, do you know Joe?”
“Does his dad own Dickson and Son’s Sugarcakes?”
“Joe owns it now.” She shook her head. “Please God, tell me you’re not friends with my ex? What the actual hell is this date?!”
I laughed. “No, I’m not friends with him. I hate that guy.”
She looked significantly calmer. “ I hate that guy. So freaking much.”
I smiled. This poor girl had clearly been through enough crap if she’d been married to Cupcake. The least I could do was buy her dinner. “How about we go back out there and you can tell me all about what happened between you two?”
She laughed. “How have you not run away from this train wreck of a night yet?”
I shrugged. “I’m actually having a great time. I got to see you without a shirt and almost got head in a bathroom full of centipedes. Plus you said I was gorgeous multiple times, and I’m very flattered.”
Her face started to turn red again.
“I think you said, and I quote, that I’m the definition of perfection.”
“How long were you eavesdropping on me? You’re a horrible human.” She shook her head. “Am I drunk or something?”
“I don’t know.” Honestly, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if she was.
“Well, I need to be. Stat.”
“Here’s what we’re going to do. You’re going to put your sweatshirt back on. And I’m going to go back out there and order you some…”
“Wine. Any wine. I usually drink it out of a box so seriously just order the cheapest thing on the list.”
I laughed. “Okay, you got it. See you in a few.”
“Nice to meet you!” screeched the phone.
“Damn it, Chastity” Ash said and lifted it up off the floor. “Why is everyone eavesdropping tonight?”
“You didn’t hang up. I thought I was supposed to stay on the phone in case he was a murderer or something. Are you a murderer?” yelled her friend to me.
“Um. No,” I said.
“That honestly wasn’t very convincing,” Ash said.
I shook my head. “I promise I’m not. I’ll let you two finish up…” I waved my hand around the bathroom. Gossiping? Getting dressed? Screaming about centipedes? I honestly had no idea what I’d just witnessed.
Ash gave me a small smile as I left.
I figured there was a good chance she’d still climb out the bathroom window and run away. But if she didn’t? I really needed to hear about how the hell she’d married an asshole like Joe Dickson.
I went back to the table and sat down. The waiter came over and I ordered a bottle of white that wasn’t the cheapest one on the list, because I actually could be a nice guy.
And I went ahead and ordered us some food too.
Because I was starving. And she’d told me to order something a normal person would eat. I could handle that request.
A few minutes later, there was a glass of wine but still no Ash.
I glanced towards the bathroom. Her sweatshirt had seemed mostly dry.
Maybe she was still trying to get advice from her friend.
This had to be the craziest date I’d ever been on.
I was almost positive that Ash was nuts.
But I actually was having fun. Or else I would have walked out already.
I needed to hear her whole story. Plus it would be great to relay this whole disaster to Penny. The more details the better.
Several minutes later Ash sat down across from me fully clothed again.
“I really wish I could say that I was drunk right now, but I am decidedly not. Give me a few minutes and we can pretend I was drunk the whole time.” She took a huge sip from her glass of wine.
Then shimmied her shoulders slightly and took a deep breath.
“Okay. Try two. Sorry about that,” she said very seriously. “Now, where were we?”
I just blinked. “You were telling me about your husband.”
“Soon-to-be ex-husband.”
“Right. Whatever possessed you to marry a guy like Joe?”
She sighed and took another sip of wine. “It’s a long story.”
“I have some time.”
“You are so weird,” she said.
“Me?” I raised my eyebrows. She had to be kidding me right now.
“Yeah. What are you still doing here? I basically just sexually assaulted you in the bathroom. I should have been arrested ten minutes ago. I was waiting for the cops in there…”
“I told you I wasn’t going to report you.”
“Oh.” She nodded. “I thought that maybe you were joking.”
I shook my head. Honestly I’d just found the whole scene hilarious. I would never call the cops on her.
“Well, in that case…can we just start over and pretend the last few minutes didn’t happen? Let’s pretend I just walked in and sat down. And pretend I’m wearing a nice dress too. Use your imagination.” She cleared her throat. “Hi. I’m Ash.” She offered me her hand.
At least the pit stains on her sweatshirt were gone. I reached out my hand and shook hers. “Nice to meet you. I’m Matt.”
Her smile was so big that I couldn’t help but smile too.
“So, Matt. Tell me all about yourself.”
I really wanted to talk about Joe instead. But it wouldn’t hurt to play along. I had all night.