Matchmaker - Chapter 43
Saturday
Penny said she had a surprise for me tonight. I had no idea what that was about. But it didn’t really matter. All that mattered was what I needed to tell her. And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous.
I handed the valet my keys and walked up to the restaurant. It had been a while since I’d been out to dinner with anyone other than Tanner. And it would be nice to not have to pretend to be gay for a meal.
But there was still a sense of dread in my stomach.
All Penny knew were my lies. For years I’d told her I’d never been in love.
Half the time I was lying to myself about it.
But I was done lying. In a lot of ways, Penny had been the closest person to me the past few years.
Well, her and Tanner. And Tanner knew the truth about my past. Penny didn’t.
I owed it to her to tell her. She deserved that much for putting up with me.
I also needed to apologize for flirting with her. I owed that to her and James. And I’d tell her about Kennedy too. After tonight, everything would be out there. I’d be an open book. For once in my life.
I took a deep breath and tried to get rid of my nerves. Penny would understand. She was very understanding, that was one of the reasons why we got along so well. I got this.
Instead of walking up to the hostess stand, I scanned the restaurant looking for Penny for a moment. She was usually easy to spot with her red hair. But I didn’t see her.
“Hi,” I said to the hostess. “I’m meeting someone here. I’m pretty sure the reservation is either under Caldwell or Hunter.”
“Ah, yes. Hunter. Right this way.”
It felt like I was just a few steps away from my fresh start.
Especially because Nigel had told me last night that he was pulling together some great dirt on Poppy.
He refused to share any of it yet, but he looked really happy.
And as Tanner liked to say, Nigel was happiest when he was serving others.
I considered his gleefulness a sign of the job being done well.
The hostess stopped at a table where someone was sitting. Someone that was definitely not Penny. Because that someone was a man.
I stared at him. “Justin?”
He looked back up at me. Yup, it was definitely Justin.
He recognized me. I knew he did. But then he shook his head and pretended to be confused.
“Sorry, do I know you?” he asked with way too much extra sass for someone who 100% knew me.
“Justin, cut it out. Why do you always pretend you don’t recognize me?”
He stared at me. “It’s just…you’re not ringing any bells, honey.”
The hostess smiled. “I’m just going to leave you two on your date.” She placed the menus down and hurried off.
Damn it. The one night I wasn’t going on a pretend gay date and the waitress thought I was gay anyway. “Come on Justin, stop messing around.” I sat down across from him, leaving Penny plenty of room to join us.
“What’s your name again?” Justin asked, squinting at me. “To be perfectly honest with you, I need reading glasses. But I don’t like to admit that to anyone. Especially strangers.”
“It’s me. Matt.”
“Matt?” He shook his head. “I’m so sorry, I just have zero clue who you are. Well, I mean, I know you’re friends with Penny and James. Obviously. Or else we wouldn’t be sitting here together.” He laughed. “Wait a second, were you at their wedding?”
“Justin, what the hell? You know who I am.”
He patted his index finger against his lips. “No. I have a stellar memory. And I have no recollection of a grown man that’s so poorly dressed.”
I looked down at my suit. Seriously, what the fuck was wrong with how I dressed? And why did everyone keep bringing it up? I got it when I was in my coach gear. But I’d dressed up for tonight. Nigel had even pressed my suit for me. “I’m well dressed.”
His eyes ran up and down my body. “Oh no.” He leaned forward. “Are you colorblind? I know that makes things excruciatingly difficult. For matching purposes.”
“I’m not colorblind.”
“Oh my. Well that’s shocking. I don’t even know where to start. And it seems harsh to critique a stranger’s poor outfit selection.”
He was one to talk. I was pretty sure he was wearing a parka or something. It didn’t seem fashionable at all. “I’m Matthew Caldwell. Brooklyn’s…”
“Don’t.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “Can you please not bring her up?”
I stared at him. “So you do know who I am?”
“Fine. Okay?’ He sighed. “Of course I know who you are. And I always try to avoid you. Because I get very emotional when I hear Brooklyn’s name.”
Oh. “I’m sorry.”
Justin sniffled. “It’s fine. I just…like to pretend I don’t recognize you. Because I don’t like talking about her. Not because I didn’t love her. The opposite, really. She was such a dear friend of mine. And I…I miss her. You know?”
I nodded.
“You may not know this, but she was so kind to me. She believed in me when no one else did.”
“Yeah. She believed in me too.” I could feel myself getting teary eyed because he was getting teary eyed.
“I don’t even think I’d be a wedding planner if she hadn’t told me I could do it. I owe that girl everything. And she never got to see me living my dream.” He grabbed a napkin and blew his nose. “See!? Now I’m a blubbering mess. Oy vey.”
“It’s fine, Justin. Trust me, I understand.”
Justin blotted away the rest of his tears and smiled. “And here we both are. Crying over a girl. Whoever thought two gay men would be doing that on a date? We’re acting like straight guys.”
“Uh…what now?” Was he talking about me? Were we expecting a fourth person? “Where’s Penny?”
“How should I know?”
“Because we’re meeting her here?” It was a guess. Because I honestly had no idea Justin was going to be here. I guess he was the surprise? A blast from the past. Shit, did this mean Penny did know about Brooklyn?
“No, honey. This is a date. Penny set us up. She told me all about how you’ve been hiding in the closet all these years…”
“I haven’t been hiding in the closet.”
“Oh. Oh, no. You’re not out yet? I swear to God, that girl promised you’d be excited about this.”
“I’m not gay, Justin.”
“Of course you are. I mean, I totally get it. I heard what you said at the funeral. That you’d love Brooklyn and only Brooklyn until you died.
And hopping onto the other team doesn’t really feel like breaking that promise.
Because at least it’s not another woman.
So technically it’s kosher. We’re all good.
I’m not judging you. I’m actually really happy that you’re here. ”
“Justin, I’m seriously not gay.”
“Penny told me everything.” He reached out across the table and grabbed my hand. “She said she was out to dinner the other night with James, and she saw you kissing a man.”
“I never kissed a…” my voice trailed off. Fucking Tanner . I pulled my hand away from Justin. “This is a big misunderstanding. That wasn’t a kiss. It was just a celebratory peck between two male friends.”
“Yeah…that’s not a thing,” Justin said.
“He’s foreign.”
“Oh. Well then.” Justin shrugged. “Maybe it’s a thing. But the question is…did you like it?”
“No.”
“You seem awfully defensive. And a tad too sassy for a straight man if you ask me.”
“Justin, I’m not gay.”
“Someone maybe needs to spend a little more time in the closet,” he whispered.
“I’m not gay!” I yelled. Oh fuck. People were staring at us. “Not that anything is wrong with that,” I said. “I love gay people.” Shit, this was coming out so wrong.
“I am so sorry,” James said.
I looked up. Where the hell had he come from? He seemed out of breath like he’d just run here from his apartment. “James, what are you doing here?”
“I came as soon as Penny told me what she’d done. I’m so sorry, man. I had no idea what she was planning. Hey, Justin. Nice to see you again.” He put out his hand for Justin.
“Oh, the pleasure is all mine,” Justin said. “Are you joining us too? This is seriously my lucky night.”
“Um. No. I’m just here because…”
“Stop,” Penny said. She was just as winded as James. “You run so freaking fast, James.” She put her hands on her knees, trying to catch her breath. “Don’t ruin this for Matt. He needs space to find himself.”
“What the hell is going on?” I asked.
“We support you, Matt,” Penny said. “No matter who you love. And I know you love men. And Justin’s one of the greatest guys I know…”
“I’m not gay.”
“James.” She turned to him. “Don’t stifle him.”
“I’m not stifling him, baby. Matt isn’t gay.”
“Of course he is,” she said and turned to me.
“I’ve finally put the pieces together. It makes total sense.
You passed on so many great options on the dating app.
And then someone from your past literally falls into your lap and you pass on her too.
I’ve rarely seen you with the same girl more than once.
And everyone I’ve ever met that’s slept with you says you’re an emotional brick wall. That’s a quote straight from Jen.”
“Oh God,” James said. “Please don’t bring up my sister banging Matt.”
“It’s important,” Penny said. “You’re an emotional brick wall during sex because…you know…you wish you were having sex with men instead.”
“What the fuck?” I said.
“And James and I saw you kissing Tanner at that romantic restaurant. I’m so sorry he doesn’t want to be more than friends. My heart hurts for you. And I know he cares for you of course, but he’s clearly not gay.”
“Neither am I!”
“Matt. It’s okay. We’re here for you no matter what. And I’m so sorry you never felt comfortable enough to tell us that you’ve been gay this whole time. We love you no matter what.”
“I haven’t been secretly gay this whole time. I’ve never been gay,” I added, just to make sure I was being clear enough.
“Well he definitely didn’t used to be gay,” Justin said. “Since he was engaged to Brooklyn and everything.”
It felt like all the air left my lungs.
“What?” Penny said. “Brooklyn?” She turned to me. “Who is Justin talking about?”
“His fiancée,” Justin said. “They were high school sweethearts. But she passed away…”
“Stop,” I said. I felt like I was choking.
“Oh my God, Matt.” Penny put her hand over her mouth.
This wasn’t how I wanted to tell her. It wasn’t supposed to come out like this. I couldn’t breathe. I got up from the table. I couldn’t look at any of them. I couldn’t do this right now. I couldn’t breathe.
“Wait, Matt,” Penny said.
“Penny, stop.” James ran after me instead. “Matt!” He caught up with me outside the restaurant. “I’m sorry. As soon as I found out she sent you on a blind date with Justin, I tried to stop it.”
“I just need to be alone.” I waved my hand at the valet. He went to get my car.
“Where are you going?” James asked.
I didn’t respond.
“Matt?”
I ignored him as the valet pulled my car up and handed me my keys.
“You’re not the only one that’s ever worried about someone else,” James said.
“I worried about you back then. After Brooklyn died. I worried that you knew what it felt like to not want to keep going too. You were right about me. I hated my life. I hated everything. And you looked out for me. And now I’m looking out for you.
” He grabbed the keys from my hand. “Now where are we going?”
I wasn’t going to fight with him. “I need to go home.”
“Okay.” He unlocked my car and we both climbed in.
He didn’t say a word to me as he drove through the city streets. Not a single word until he pulled up outside my place and cut the engine. “Brooklyn would have wanted you to be happy.”
“I meant what I said last night. I am happy.”
“You don’t look happy, man,” James said.
“I feel guilty. For moving on. I can’t help it. I am happy, but I feel like shit for being happy.”
“We all like Kennedy,” James said.
I looked over at him.
“You weren’t fooling anyone with that ‘just friends’ stunt. Except for Penny I guess.”
I laughed. “Yeah.”
“I used to feel guilty too. For being happy. For being with Penny when I broke the rules to have her. But I don’t regret breaking the rules. I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat.”
I didn’t say anything.
“You made a promise when you were 16 years old. You’re allowed to break it.”
“I know. I just…I need to be alone for a few minutes. You can take the car back for Penny.”
“I’ll take a taxi.” He tossed the keys at me. “Call me if you need anything, okay?”
I nodded and climbed out of the car. I knew he was right. I’d told myself as much. But I just needed a minute to breathe.