Runaway - Chapter 18 #2
I nodded. But my hopes were a little up.
In the back of my head I was thinking that if Isabella was locked up I could be free.
But that wasn’t what my dad had said. I think he wanted her to get better before he released me.
And I wasn’t a big believer in Isabella ever getting better.
Her wanting to kill me probably wasn’t something that could be undone.
I wasn’t sure there were enough psychologists in the world to untangle her mess of a mind.
Too bad there wasn’t a little pill that made you not a serial killer.
So yeah…my hopes had been up for a second.
But it was pointless. My dad wouldn’t let me leave if I wasn’t safe.
And I truly believed that I wouldn’t be safe until Isabella took her last breath.
“I need to get back to the city.” My father stood up. “Unless there’s something else you need?”
“No. I’m good.”
He kissed the side of my forehead. “See you again soon, angel.”
I watched him walk away. He no longer needed his cane.
He looked healthy and happy. I knew I should hate him for keeping me here.
But it was hard to hate him when he was being nice to me.
For a long time I wished him dead. I was glad he wasn’t now.
I was glad I’d helped save him. He was the only family I had.
And even though he was going about this situation all wrong…
he was trying. It wasn’t his fault that he was a bad parent.
Before I showed up he’d only had a psychotic daughter.
If I was Isabella’s parent, surely I’d be a monster too.
I sat back down on the couch once the front door closed. It was tempting to go out on the deck with Miller. But I was still eager for more information. And I’d only been through half the pictures.
I loved seeing Kennedy and Felix happy. It was hard to tell from the pictures if they were just friends or something more.
But their smiles were real. I’d hated how I left things with Kennedy.
She had been my best friend. I’d betrayed her trust. And I wished I had one more chance to explain.
I was just trying to help. I tried not to get teary-eyed as I saw her smiling and laughing. I was happy for her.
I flipped through a few more and my hands froze.
I’d wanted more information.
I’d wanted answers.
And there they were.
Matt wasn’t smiling at the camera in this one.
He was too busy making out with some girl with brunette hair.
It wasn’t Isabella. But it didn’t really matter.
What mattered was that it wasn’t me. It wasn’t me and it looked a lot more like Isabella than it did me.
I didn’t know what that meant. But I knew what him kissing someone else meant.
He’d moved on.
I shook my head and flipped to another picture. Another one of him and the random girl in a full-on make-out session. I didn’t care that there were red Solo cups everywhere. There was no amount of alcohol I could drink that would make me cheat on Matt.
I tried to take a deep breath.
He thinks you’re dead.
It was a good argument for his actions. But at the same time…he’d promised me the rest of his firsts. But he’d just had another first kiss with someone new. Were the promises he made to me really so easy to forget? Was I that easy to forget?
I stared at the picture.
Apparently I was.
He thinks you’re dead.
There was just one problem with that. I wasn’t dead. And my heart was broken.
***
Sometimes when I ran, I’d stop really far away from the beach house and scream at the top of my lungs.
I’d scream as loud as I possibly could. But that’s when the beach was isolated.
It was busier now. Someone might hear me scream and ask questions.
And questions would lead to me having to move to another safehouse.
So instead of screaming, I just ran farther and farther. I ran until my legs hurt. Until I couldn’t run anymore. Until I collapsed in the sand and cried.
It hurt to think of what a life without Matt would be like.
Like this? Running until my lungs and legs gave out? A life filled with pain? That’s what life felt like without him. I’d been holding on to a hope that no longer existed.
He’d forgotten about me.
And the only thing that kept me going was thinking that he hadn’t.
It felt like he’d actually cut out a piece of my heart. And the life was slowly draining out of me.
Miller collapsed on the sand beside me. He always followed me on my runs, keeping his distance. He had to. I knew he saw me scream out my frustrations. But he never approached me when I screamed. I was surprised he approached me now.
“I saw the pictures,” he said. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“There’s nothing to talk about. He forgot about me.” I hated the tears that stung my eyes. I shouldn’t be crying over a boy that was happy I was dead.
“I’m sure he didn’t. I know it’s hard to put yourself in his shoes, but imagine how he must be feeling.” He ran his hand up and down my back, soothing me. He was good at that. Calming me down. He made it easier to breathe.
“I know how he’s feeling,” I said. “He’s feeling like he’s horny and wants to bang some rando.”
Miller laughed. “Maybe. Or he’s in pain and missing you too. And just trying to find some semblance of happiness in the chaos.”
“Why are you always defending him? Why don’t you throw him under the bus? You don’t even like him.”
“I don’t. But you do.”
I shook my head. “You should be telling me how terrible he is. How you and I are a better fit. How he moved on and so should I.” I regretted the words as soon as I said them.
I didn’t want Miller to try to win me over.
Not when my heart was broken. Not when I didn’t know what was real and what wasn’t.
My head and my heart were confused. I didn’t know what I wanted.
All I knew was that I was fucking pissed.
I was pissed at everyone and everything.
His hand fell from my back. “You made your choice last fall. And I’m doing my best to respect that.”
What if I didn’t want him to respect my decision?
What if I wanted to climb on top of him in bed instead of curling into his side?
I deserved to find happiness in the chaos too.
And what if I was just being an idiot and I’d chosen wrong last fall?
I’d made a lot of terrible decisions back in New York. Maybe Matt was one of them.
“I saw the way you looked at him,” Miller said. “You didn’t look at me like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like you couldn’t live without him.”
“He seems to be living perfectly fine without me,” I said.
“And what about you? How are you doing without him?”
“I’m doing great. I’m living it up at a beach house with a hot guy.” I stared at him. Fuck Matt. I was done. “But I’d be doing a lot better if we were more than friends.”
He raised his eyebrow. “You’re in a destructive mood today.”
“Wouldn’t you be?”
He slowly stood up and brushed the sand off the back of his shorts. “Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t have anyone missing me back home.”
Me either. But I knew what he meant. He’d left nothing behind.
“Well, I can think of a few ways we could both feel better.” I didn’t even know what I meant by that.
Part of me wanted to walk into the ocean and drown.
The other part of me wanted to jump on top of Miller and make out with him right in the sand.
“You’d regret it.”
I wasn’t sure if he was thinking about the make-out session or the drowning thing.
“I wouldn’t regret kissing you.” I’d kissed him before.
I liked kissing him. I loved kissing him.
Miller was a fantastic kisser. And it wasn’t like I hadn’t been thinking about it.
Of course I had. Unlike my dad’s nickname for me, I wasn’t an angel.
But I hadn’t acted on it. Because I was fucking engaged.
“Well, I’d regret it,” he said.
Ouch. I probably deserved that though. He was right.
I was in a very destructive mood today. It was like I was asking to be hurt.
Maybe I just needed a little push to walk into that water and keep going until it was impossible to turn around.
Because a part of me wanted that. It already felt like I was drowning. Why not actually drown?
“You can’t be angry with me right now,” he said. “You know how I feel about you.”
I shook my head.
He grabbed my chin and forced me to look at him.
“Ask me to kiss you again when you’re not pissed off at the world.
Ask me when you mean it. I’m not doing this again as a substitute for what you really want.
Ask me when I’m your first choice.” He let his fingers fall from my chin. “And then I’ll say yes.”
My heart was racing. And it wasn’t because I was out of breath from my run anymore. I wanted to ask him again right now. Because he was looking at me like he wanted to kiss me. But…I’d seen him look at me like that a lot since we’d been shacked up together. I’m sure I’d looked at him the same way.
We were friends right now for a reason. Because a friend was all I needed. Right?
I wasn’t looking at him like a friend anymore though. I felt betrayed. I felt empty. I felt…like I’d made the wrong choice last fall. I’d messed up. Miller was patient. And kind. And gorgeous. I even found the small scar on his cheek beautiful. He was amazing.
I loved Miller. And I’d been slowly falling in love with him.
And I hated myself. I hated myself for being a hypocrite.
I was in love with two people at the same time. And only one of them was staring back at me. I couldn’t tell him I was all in when half my heart was with Matt though. So instead, I just nodded.
“Race you back?” Miller said.
“I have a better idea.” I looked around to make sure the beach down here was clear and pulled off my sweaty shirt.
Miller just stared at me.
“I bet the water feels amazing right now.”
He shook his head. “I bet it’s freezing.”
“There’s only one way to find out.” I kicked off my shoes and pulled down my spandex shorts.
“What are you doing?”
I pretended like I was about to take my sports bra off.
“I swear if you take that off, I won’t be able to control myself.”
I laughed, even though I knew he was serious. “Are you going to join me?” I really was feeling destructive. But for the first time in months I also felt alive.
He shook his head as I slowly backed into the water.
“I dare you,” I said.
He rolled his eyes.
“I’m going to need someone to keep me warm if it’s cold.”
He shook his head.
I turned around and ran into the water. He was right. It was fucking freezing. I dove into a wave and came up for air. When I turned around Miller was gone. For a second I frowned but then he came up out of the water too.
“You win,” I said. “It’s freaking freezing in here.”
He pulled me close.
I wrapped my legs around him in the water and held him tight.
And I breathed easily for the first time since I’d seen the pictures.
I loved Matt. But I didn’t remember feeling this close to him.
There was something about the way Miller and I fit.
From the second we met…I felt like we were equals. With Matt I never felt good enough.
I rested my chin on Miller’s shoulder and breathed him in. It was selfish of me to do this. And yet…I couldn’t stop.
His breath was warm in my ear.
I waited for him to say something.
Instead, he kissed me behind my ear. And then the side of my neck. It didn’t feel at all like a friendship kiss to me. It felt amazing.
Fuck.
It wasn’t allowed to feel amazing. I put my forehead against his. I wanted to kiss him. But I couldn’t. I needed to talk to Matt. I needed to get out of here so I could figure out what the hell was going on. I needed an escape plan.