Runaway - Chapter 28
Thursday - Christmas
Christmas music played on the car radio and a light snow had started to fall. It had been four months since I watched Miller drive away from the beach house. He’d asked me to come with him. He told me he loved me. He asked me to choose him.
And I didn’t. I let him walk away. That last look in his eyes haunted my dreams. I didn’t want to live a life of regret.
But I did regret not going with him. I was pretty sure I’d regretted it every day I’d been on the west coast. The beach wasn’t the same without him.
Life wasn’t the same without him. I knew that now. But what if I’d realized it too late?
I hit my blinker and took the exit off the highway. The snow was starting to fall faster now, and I hoped that I’d make it to Miller’s place before it became impossible to drive.
I also hoped that Miller was still at the lake house I’d arranged for him to go to.
What if he wasn’t?
Or what if he was and he’d moved on?
My dad had shown me pictures of Matt kissing other girls only a few months after I had “died.” Would Miller move on that quickly too?
I hadn’t stayed away to test him. I’d stayed away to figure out what I wanted. To make sure I was doing the right thing for me.
But I knew it was possible that Miller had found someone that was a better fit for him during that time. I’d abandoned him for months. And I knew I was replaceable. I’d seen it happen before.
Honestly, this whole thing was crazy. I was about to show up at Miller’s on Christmas morning and confess my love for him.
Yeah, it was completely nuts. I’d told him I was choosing Matt.
I didn’t even know how old Miller was. Hell, I didn’t even know his first name.
But I did know that I was in love with him.
I’d felt this way once before. With Matt.
I wasn’t discounting my first love. That had been real for me.
And I’d dreamed of Christmases with Matt.
I’d thought we’d spend every Christmas for the rest of our lives together.
I’d wanted that. It was all I wanted. Until…
it wasn’t. I thought a part of me would want to head to New York when I started driving.
But I didn’t. I’d mourned that loss for months.
It was almost like Matt was dead. Like I had to let him go.
A piece of me would always love that boy.
Always. It was love, I knew that. I loved him.
But it was past tense. He’d moved on. He didn’t love me anymore.
And I couldn’t afford to keep missing a boy who didn’t miss me back.
Because this feeling I was feeling now? I was in love again. And of course it was different. But it wasn’t any less. If anything, the feelings I had now were more all-consuming. It was scary how much my heart craved Miller. Especially because I knew how easily he could reject me.
What if it took me just a little too long to figure out I wanted him back?
What if I was too late?
The snow started falling harder. I leaned forward, straining my eyes to see through the fast pace of the windshield wipers and snowfall. It was so hard to see that I almost missed the next turn.
I slowed down so I wouldn’t miss his driveway.
2761. I looked down at my map even though I knew his address by heart.
There had been so many times when I thought about writing a letter to him.
Letting him know I was safe and missing him.
But I was worried about the paper trail.
And more worried that I couldn’t trust myself with his response.
Or lack of response. It had kept me away longer than necessary. The unknown was terrifying.
I turned onto his driveway and slowly made my way down the long path.
My tires skidded a little as I hit the brakes. I’d made it just in time before the roads became impassable.
As soon as I turned the car off, I shivered.
I hadn’t packed any winter clothes. I hadn’t needed any in California.
All I had was a raggedy old hoodie barely keeping me warm.
I was wearing the same jeans that I now knew hugged my butt.
And my Keds that were a little stained from sandy nights on the beach.
I was just…me. Several months ago, that had been good enough for Miller. But I wasn’t sure if it was enough now.
I sat in my car for a minute, watching the snow fall slowly in front of his house.
It was exactly how I’d pictured his home.
I’d chosen it mostly for the isolated location…
acres and acres that belonged only to him.
But also because the house reminded me of our beach house.
It was smaller, but decked out in all the same beautiful features.
It was like a miniature version plopped down in the middle of the woods.
Because one person didn’t need that much space. Or…two people. Maybe. I swallowed hard.
I knew it would be beautiful in the summer. And the fall. And the winter and spring. It was picturesque. Was he in there with a cup of hot chocolate and a roaring fire? Was he curled up with someone new?
Panic was rising in my throat. If he turned me away…I had no idea where I would go. I had less than $50 to my name and no backup plan. And it was Christmas morning. This was a terrible idea.
But also the best idea.
Because it was Christmas. And I was hoping for a Christmas miracle.
I hadn’t gotten him a present last year.
But I came prepared this year. It was the reason why I only had $50 in my pocket.
I’d wrapped the gift painfully slowly in a parking lot a few days ago.
There was a huge red bow on top. It was festive. And I hoped he’d love it.
Even if he turned me away, I wanted him to have this. I wanted him to have a piece of me. Because he’d always have my heart.
I climbed out of the car with my present in tow. My Keds skidded a little in the snow and I was shivering when I reached his front door. I swallowed hard and rang the bell.
I forgot how quiet it was when it snowed. All I could hear in the silence was my own heart beating. Faster and faster. Usually I found the snow peaceful and serene. But when there was no answer…the silence felt heavy.
I knocked this time instead of ringing the bell.
Still no answer.
I looked across the lawn. It was like déjà vu. Was he around back? With another woman? My heart started racing faster in the silence.
No, he had to be inside. I put my present down on the front step and knocked harder.
No answer.
I peered into the window. There was a roaring fire in the fireplace. And a Christmas tree in the corner. Actually, it was decorated a lot like Miller had decorated the beach house last Christmas. It looked homey. It looked like my home. With him. But he was nowhere in sight.
The beautiful cozy room started to blur. I quickly wiped the tears from my cheeks. How had I fucked everything up so badly? I’d missed him for months and I’d stayed away. I’d walked away from him. It was too late. He’d never take me back now. How could he possibly still want me?
An unhappy person wouldn’t have decorated for Christmas. He was happy. He was happy without me. Of course he was. My stomach twisted in knots.
I thought I heard a noise. I moved away from the window and stared at the side of the house. Was that noise from the backyard? I could feel more tears welling in my eyes. I didn’t want to go back there. I didn’t want to see him with someone new.
And yet…I’d come all this way. I needed to know. My shoes crunched in the freshly fallen snow as I made my way around the side of the house.
The snow was falling so fast now that it was hard to see very far into the distance. If he was with another woman, I couldn’t tell. Hell, if he was even in his backyard at all, I couldn’t tell.
“Miller?” I called out.
There was no response. The wind picked up and made the snow dance all around me. I knew from the pictures that the lake was a little farther down. My sneakers slid in the snow again as I wandered down toward the lake. It was almost impossible to see now but…my feet froze.
It wasn’t anything like the scene I’d walked into at Matt’s house in the summer.
Miller was all alone. He was standing there with his back to me, staring out at the frozen lake. His hands were stuffed into his pockets and he was wearing the same Santa hat he had worn last year. But for some reason, it looked sad and deflated this year. Like all the magic had worn off.
He dropped his head like he was looking at the ground. Like the weight of the world was too heavy.
I knew that feeling. And for just a second, I watched him. Did he look that sad because of me? Because he missed me too?
I shivered. My hoodie was soaked from the snow. But I was pretty sure I was shaking because I was nervous. And excited. But mostly nervous. I willed my feet to keep moving. And when my right foot crunched a branch, Miller spun around.
I don’t know what I was expecting. A hug? A greeting? Something.
But he blinked and just stared at me…like he was imagining I was there.
I’d fucked everything up. I knew that. And all I wanted to do was apologize. I wanted him to know how much I’d missed him. How my body craved his touch. How I wanted to be his and only his. That I was ready to put him first.
We were still several feet away from each other. But he didn’t approach me. I felt my stomach twist further into knots. He couldn’t turn me away. I needed him. I loved him.
“Miller…” my voice cracked.
And it was like he snapped out of his daze. “Brooklyn?”
I didn’t respond. I just ran down to him, closing the distance between us. And I lunged into his arms.
He caught me, grabbing my ass as my legs straddled his waist.
We both just stared at each other as he held me. Like this was some kind of dream. And I knew it then. That he’d dreamed of this too. That he’d ached for me too. That he needed me too. He didn’t need to say it.
But I had a million things I needed to say to him.
Right now there was only one thing I needed him to know though.
“I’m not pissed off at the world anymore.
” I stared into his eyes. “You’re not a substitute for what I really want.
You are what I really want. You’re my first choice. And I’m asking you to kiss me.”
His eyes gravitated to my lips and then back to my eyes. “I’m dreaming.”
I smiled. “No. I love you and only you, Miller. I’m in love with you…”
He silenced me with a kiss. And it wasn’t at all how I remembered his kisses to be.
It was like he was devouring me. I had no idea if it was because I hadn’t been kissed in over a year.
Or if because his feelings had grown too.
But these weren’t sweet lazy kisses in the middle of the night.
He kissed me like he was starving for me.
And I kissed him back the same way. Because I’d been dying to kiss him for longer than I should have been.
Back at the beach house. Last Christmas morning.
I’d wanted him then. I’d always wanted him.
My fingers slid to the back of his neck as I deepened the kiss. I accidentally bit down on his lower lip as my teeth chattered in the cold. I needed more of his lips. More of his tongue. More everything.
“You’re soaked,” he said and lifted his mouth from mine way too soon. “Why aren’t you wearing a coat?”
I didn’t want to talk about where I’d been. I just wanted him to kiss me again. I pulled his face back down to mine and he groaned in my mouth.
He started carrying me somewhere, but I wasn’t paying attention. All I knew was that I needed more. I didn’t want to ever stop kissing him. Holding him. Feeling his hands on me.
Suddenly I wasn’t shivering anymore. I heard him kick the door closed with his foot, but I didn’t stop kissing him.
He leaned forward, lowering us down onto the couch. And then his lips fell from mine.
“I’ll find you a change of clothes,” he said. “Give me a sec.”
Before I could protest, he was walking out of the room.
My hoodie was heavy from the wet snow. I pulled it off over my head and dropped it on the floor. My tank top underneath was soaked too.
I looked at the hallway Miller had disappeared down.
I’d only ever slept with one boy. I’d made the wrong choice last year. And it was about time I fixed that. I wanted to forget all the pain. I needed him to help me forget. And I’d dreamt so much of having Miller that I knew I couldn’t wait another second. I was sick of dreaming. I wanted him.
I pulled off my wet tank top, kicked off my shoes, and somehow managed to peel my soaked jeans down my thighs. I was standing in the middle of his living room in just my underwear.
It was forward.
I swallowed hard.
It’s what I wanted. Him. I’d been dreaming of another Christmas with him. Another Christmas just like this. Where we spent the day tangled up together. I moved to stand in front of the fireplace. The warmth from the flames drew me even closer.
“Brooklyn?”
I turned around to face him.
His eyes traveled down to the tops of my exposed cleavage and down to the lace of my panties. His Adam’s apple rose and then fell. “There’s a bathroom at the end of the hall.”
I took a step toward him and took the clothes out of his hand. “I have a better idea.” I dropped the clothes on the floor and draped my hands behind his neck.
“You’re still shivering.” His hands settled on my hips.
Was I? I didn’t feel cold. I just felt…alive. Like my dreams were morphing into reality. “Then maybe you should warm me up.”
“I’m not even supposed to be touching you.” But his thumbs had hooked under the waistband of my panties, like he was dying to lower them. Dying to touch me.
And God, I wanted him to touch me. “We’re free now. We can do whatever we want.” I stared at him, daring him to make the first move.
“And what do you want?” His eyes searched mine. Like I held all the power here. But I didn’t. I was already too far gone.
“You. I want you.”