Runaway - Chapter 35
Wednesday - New Year’s Eve
I was trying to respect Miller’s wishes, I really was. But the bed was cold without him. And I knew his back was bothering him from sleeping on the couch. When I told him I didn’t mind sleeping on the couch he wouldn’t hear of it. Stubborn ass.
And just like that I was thinking about how good his ass looked in his gray sweatpants. I was a big fan of his gray sweatpants.
Enough was enough. I’d given it three whole days of us being “friends.” I didn’t want to be friends with him. I wanted to move forward. I wanted to live. I wanted him to love me back.
In the grand scheme of things, I knew that three days wasn’t exactly very long. But Miller and I had been toeing over this friendship line for over a year now. And now that we’d crossed the line…I couldn’t go back. I didn’t want to.
Besides, it was New Year’s Eve. I wanted to spend every second of tonight with him. Including sleeping with him. In both senses of the phrase.
My New Year’s resolution was to stop letting Matt haunt my thoughts. And the new year was going to start with a bang. Literally.
I stared at my reflection in the mirror.
I didn’t bring any warm clothes with me, so I was wearing the spring dress I’d almost worn back in California.
Before I chickened out and went with jeans on a night out with my coworkers.
When I’d dreamed that I was dancing with Miller instead of some seedy guy at that nightclub.
I’d wanted Miller then. And I wanted him now.
I wished I had something shimmery or sparkly or anything a little more New Year’s Eve.
But this would have to do. Besides, last time I’d put it on, I hated how short it was.
This time? My legs were still tanned and toned from my runs on the beach.
And it wouldn’t be the first time I caught Miller staring at my legs.
I wanted him to take one look at me and not be able to remain “just friends.” Or whatever we were.
Yes, sometimes thoughts of Matt still came out of nowhere, hitting me like a ton of bricks. But Matt and I had never spent a New Year’s Eve together. Miller and I had. Last year he was very professional and we watched the ball drop without kissing, toasting the new year with sparkling apple cider.
This year I hoped he was anything but professional.
I wanted a New Year’s kiss. Because this year I wasn’t making a resolution to find the courage to flee and find Matt.
I’d found all the courage I needed. I was here.
With Miller. I’d lost so much over the past couple years.
I’d lost so much that I never thought I could keep going.
But here I was. Exactly where I wanted to be.
And despite what Miller thought, I wasn’t broken. I wasn’t torn in two directions.
My mind was clear. This year, all I wanted was him.
The tires of his car crunched in the snow outside.
My heart started racing as I left the bedroom. Miller had gone out this afternoon to pick up a few ingredients for the lasagna he was making. The sauce was already simmering on the stove. And the extra heat made my summery dress almost bearable in the cold.
I stood in front of the door and waited for him.
I started wringing my hands together. What if he still told me no?
What if he pushed me away again? I bit the inside of my lip.
What if he secretly loved sleeping on the couch and didn’t want to share a bed with me?
Hell, what if he didn’t even like me here in his house?
What if he kicked me out? I was spiraling.
But he was taking forever to come inside…
Miller opened the door. He was holding a grocery bag in one hand and was balancing some logs for the fire under his other arm. He closed the door with his elbow and then froze when he saw me standing there.
I wasn’t dressed like a frumpy lumberjack today. I’d made sure of that. I didn’t care how cold I was. I’d be warm enough as soon as he wrapped his strong arms around me. “Happy New Year’s Eve!” I said.
He cleared his throat. “You look beautiful, Brooklyn.” His eyes trailed down my legs.
It was like his gaze made me feel on fire.
Yeah, I definitely wasn’t cold anymore. “Thank you.” I had a whole speech planned out.
But my mind was as frozen as Miller’s feet.
“Here, let me take that.” I grabbed the grocery bag out of his hand and hurried into the kitchen.
Pull yourself together! The worst that could happen was that he’d reject me.
And then I’d just try again some other day once more time had passed.
I put the remaining ingredients for the lasagna in the fridge. God, I hated wasting time. Then what the hell are you doing in the kitchen? I took a deep breath and closed the fridge door.
Miller was standing in front of the fire holding his hands out to warm them by the flames.
I’ve got this.
I walked back over to him. I had this scene in my head. But I had no idea if it would play out. Either way, I needed to get this off my chest.
“I think that maybe sometimes I’ll always cry when I think of Matt. It feels like I lost him. The way I lost my mom and uncle.” I swallowed hard.
Miller looked up from the fire.
I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. Usually I could read him pretty well, but not today.
I took a deep breath. “He thinks I’m dead.
And he feels…dead to me too. I don’t really know how to explain it.
” Damn it, this wasn’t coming out right.
I stared into the fire instead of at Miller’s face.
“What I’m trying to say is that I would never go back to him.
He’s as good as dead to me. I was mourning what could have been.
And I have no idea why. I’m not a what-could-have-been kind of person. ”
I glanced at Miller out of the corner of my eye. I could read him now. He looked…sad. Sad for me. But I didn’t want his pity. I just wanted him to understand.
I turned to face him. “I’m over Matt. I’m not standing here with a broken heart.”
Miller lifted his hand and touched the side of my face. His hands were warm from the fire. But that wasn’t the reason why it felt like I was melting into him. “Then why do you look so sad?”
“I’m not sad.” I pressed my lips together. “I’m scared.”
He moved closer to me. “What are you scared of?”
“Everyone I’ve ever loved…leaves me.”
“Brooklyn.” He put his other hand on the side of my face, cradling my head in his palms. “I would never leave you.”
“But what if I’m bad luck?”
He smiled down at me. “You’re not bad luck, kid.”
I rolled my eyes.
He groaned.
I laughed. “What was that noise for?”
“It does something to me when you roll your eyes at me.”
I swallowed hard. “Well, good.”
He raised his eyebrow. “Good?”
“Yeah good. Because I just told you that I’m not broken.
” I stared into his eyes. “I’m standing here with a heart that wants you.
I’m here because I love you. Because I want you.
And you’re the only person I’m thinking about.
I swear.” I swallowed hard and grabbed the condom I’d hidden in my bra.
“And I think it’s about time we both let ourselves be happy. ” I placed the condom in his palm.
For a second he just stared at me.
Please, Miller. Want me back. Want me for me. Believe in me.
Then his fist closed around my hand and he backed me up against the stone fireplace. His hand caught my hip, holding me firmly in place.
Fuck.
“You’re everything, Brooklyn.”
Something about the way he said it made me want to cry. Not everything to him . Just…everything.
“I don’t know if you’re not broken. But if this is what you want, I trust you.”
“This is what I want.”
His Adam’s apple rose and then fell as he stared at me.
“You’re who I want, Miller. I want you. I want this. And I don’t want to waste another second of us not being an us.”
He grabbed my ass and lifted me so that my legs were wrapped around his waist. “Not another second huh?”
I laughed.
He captured my laughter with his kiss.
I grabbed the back of his neck, deepening the kiss. Finally. I buried my fingers in his hair. “I hated being just friends with you,” I said between kisses.
“I told you we were never just friends.” He bit my lower lip.
I moaned.
He pushed my skirt up, brushing his fingers across my clit through the thin fabric of my panties. “All I want to do is fuck you right here.”
Finally. “Then do it.” God, please do it.
“Not today.”
Not today? What the actual hell was wrong with him? “But I just told you…” my words died away when he kissed me again. Slower than before.
He pulled me away from the wall and leaned down, placing me on the rug in front of the fireplace. “I’m going to do what I wanted to do when you showed up on Christmas.”
I propped myself up on my elbows as I stared up at him. “And what did you want to do to me on Christmas?” He had to be talking about making love to me right? Instead of fucking? That had to be it. And I wanted him to say the words. I needed to hear him say it back.
He didn’t say a word as he pulled off his shirt and leaned back over me to capture another kiss.
“I love you,” I said, grabbing both sides of his face.
He kissed the side of my jaw instead of responding.
“I love you,” I said again just in case he hadn’t heard me the first time.
He pushed the dress strap off my shoulder and placed a kiss in the empty spot.
He couldn’t make love to me without actually saying the words first. This was ridiculous. “Why won’t you say it back?”
“Say what back?” he asked as he slid my dress up my hips.
“I’ve told you I loved you dozens of times and you’ve never said it back.”
The corner of his mouth ticked up as he looked down at me. “Of course I’ve said it back.”
“No. You haven’t.”
“I haven’t?”
I laughed. “No.”
He slowly pulled my panties down my thighs and off my legs. And then he leaned down and kissed the inside of my shin.
God, he was distracting me again.