Runaway - Chapter 51
I loved Christmas. But this one felt heavy.
I watched Jacob open his presents with the biggest smile on his face.
Three years ago, I’d surprised Miller by telling him I was pregnant.
We’d said our vows outside in the snow. It was perfect.
It was so freaking perfect. We’d created this amazing little human who I loved with all my heart. I knew how blessed we were.
But today everything hurt. Yes, I had everything I’d ever wanted.
I had a family that loved me as much as I loved them.
And yet…I couldn’t stop blinking away the tears in my eyes.
I excused myself after the last present was opened and headed outside before I started full-on crying.
I didn’t want to ruin today like I’d been ruining all our days recently. I just needed a minute.
It was cold out and there were clouds in the sky threatening snow, but no snow came. It was like the universe somehow knew snow was only for good moods.
I wandered down to the dock and sat down, my boots dangling over the side.
I closed my eyes and pictured the lake in the summer. All of us laughing out there in the boat.
I felt Miller’s presence before I heard his feet on the dock. He sat down beside me and I kept my eyes closed tight. If I didn’t open them, maybe I wouldn’t cry.
“Brooklyn.” He grabbed my hand, and his was still warm from the fire inside. “I need you to know that I have everything I need right here, kid.”
I let my head fall to his chest. “I know that’s not true.”
“I swear it is.”
I opened my eyes and the tears rolled down my cheeks. “What if something is wrong with me?” I touched my stomach. A habit I needed to stop now that there was no longer a baby growing inside.
“Nothing is wrong with you. Hey, look at me.” He grabbed the bottom of my chin and tilted my face up to his. “Brooklyn, nothing is wrong with you. You’re perfect.”
We both knew that wasn’t true. If nothing was wrong, I wouldn’t have woken up last month with the sheets covered in blood. I wouldn’t have had a miscarriage if I was perfect.
“Whatever you’re thinking, stop it.” He put his hand on the side of my head. “These things happen.”
“I was already picturing what he’d be like.”
Miller smiled, but it was the saddest smile I’d ever seen in my life. A few months ago, this would have been when he’d argue that the baby was going to be a girl, not a boy. But now…it would never be anything. Because my body was broken.
“We can try again,” he said. “When you’re ready.”
I shook my head. “I don’t want to try again. I want him .”
“I know.” He ran his thumbs beneath my eyes, doing his best to erase my tears. “I did too.”
I knew this wasn’t just hard on me. That he was experiencing the loss too. But it felt like my heart had been ripped out. I’d been so happy for so long, I’d forgotten how much life could hurt.
“We’re going to get through this,” Miller said. “Together.”
I nodded and put my head back against his chest. It just hurt. Every inch of my body. Everything hurt. Miller wanted a big family. I thought I did too. But… “What if I’m not strong enough to try again?”
“Are you kidding? You’re the strongest person I know.” He kissed the top of my head and ran his hand up and down my back. “And I meant what I said. I have everything I need right here.”
He was making my heart hurt even more. “We both know that isn’t true.”
“Yes it is. I wanted a life with you. The good, the bad, the ups and downs. Don’t you remember what I said to you three years ago when I finally made you my wife?”
It felt like the first time I’d smiled in months. “Remind me again.”
He shifted so that I could see his face.
“I will spend my whole life loving you, Brooklyn. The life we created here together is better than anything in my wildest dreams. Us against the world.” He put his hand on the side of my face. “The three of us against the world.”
“You swear you mean it? Even if it’s always just the three of us?”
“I swear I mean every word.” He leaned down and kissed me. He didn’t care that my lips were salty from my tears. He just wanted to erase the pain.
I crawled onto his lap and stared into his eyes. “I think I need it to be just the three of us for a while, okay? Because my heart hurts so damn much.”
“Mine too. I also think maybe we can take our vacation a little early this year.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper with a travel itinerary.
“You already booked our beach trip?” He always knew how to turn my frowns into smiles.
He grabbed my hand and kissed where my wedding and engagement rings sat. “I know how to make my wife happy.”
I smiled down at him. “Yes you do.” I dropped my forehead to his. Being in his arms made everything hurt a little less.