Homecoming - Chapter 3
Saturday
Matt
I held her until she finally stopped shaking.
Until her breaths evened out. I was scared to say anything.
I just wanted to freeze time with my arms around her.
Because I was worried that as soon as I spoke, the spell would be broken.
That she’d push me away again. Tell me to go. Tell me we were done.
And she was wrong. About all of it. We weren’t done.
This was only the beginning. I could picture it all with her now.
The house I’d been renovating was a home.
I didn’t want to sell it. I wanted to fill it with our children.
I wanted Mrs. Alcaraz to teach our kids Spanish.
And our home to smell like empanadas for Sunday dinners. I wanted to start our family.
But I needed to know what was going on. Why she’d suddenly decided to push me away. I needed to help her see what I saw. How great we could be. She had to see it. I couldn’t be the only one.
I lifted my hand from her back and let my fingers run through her hair, tilting her head up to mine. “What happened tonight?” I whispered.
She opened her mouth and then closed it again. “I can’t tell you. I wish I could, Matt. But I can’t.”
“You can tell me anything.”
She shook her head. “It’s not…it’s really complicated.”
I wanted to kiss away her frowns. Instead, I just dropped my forehead to hers.
“I can handle complicated. Just tell me. Let me in.” Kennedy had seen every side of me.
The good, the bad, and the really bad. I remembered how much I’d relied on her after Brooklyn’s death.
How much she helped me keep going. But I didn’t just want her smiling face at a high school lunch table. I wanted her. All of her.
She took one deep breath, like she was breathing in my exhales. And then she took a step back from me. “I can’t tell you. Not this.” Her voice was so firm. “I’ve made so many mistakes in my life. And I’m done making them. I’m done.”
I knew my face fell. She was talking about us. Dating me was the mistake. We were done. I wasn’t sure how something that felt so right could possibly be wrong. We’d had this conversation already. We were on the same page. Brooklyn would have wanted us to be happy.
“I’m going to go back in there, Matt. And you’re going to go home.” She hugged herself again. “And we’re going to go back to being friends.”
I shook my head. “No we’re not.”
She picked the tulips up off the ground. She started blinking fast like she was about to cry again. “These are beautiful. Thank you.” She grabbed the French fries too. “And I need these. So I’m keeping them.”
The corner of my mouth ticked up, even though it felt like there was a knife in my chest. We used to be just friends.
I pictured her laughing at Empire High and always stealing my fries in the cafeteria.
I hadn’t noticed her back then. Not really.
I hadn’t thanked her for holding me together after Brooklyn passed away.
She’d been there for me in more ways than I ever realized.
She was the only one that understood my pain. She just got me.
And she needed to let me in. Because I wanted to be there for her too.
I wanted her to count on me. Her acts of kindness were innocent back then.
Taking care of her best friend’s grieving fiancé.
But I wasn’t standing here innocently. I wanted everything with her.
If this was a guilt thing, she was crazy.
She’d always been a good friend to Brooklyn, even if she didn’t see it.
“I have an idea,” I said. “Those fries are probably cold. How about I take you out for some warm ones and you can tell me what happened after I sent you all those eggplant emojis in that text.”
“That sounds…” She closed her eyes. “…Perfect. Which is why I’m declining the offer.”
She wasn’t making any sense.
She slowly opened her eyes again. “Goodnight, Matt.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow?”
She shook her head.
“Kennedy. I’m not giving up on us.”
“There is no us, Matt.” A stray tear trailed down her cheek. She wiped it away like she was angry with herself.
“Yes there is. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Brooklyn would have wanted both of us to be happy. I’m sure of it.”
She pressed her lips together. “I’m not sure of anything anymore.”
That wasn’t very encouraging. She hadn’t confirmed it exactly, but by the expression on her face it did seem like the Brooklyn thing was at least partially to blame for her sudden shift of perspective.
Why wouldn’t she believe me when I told her that Brooklyn would be happy for us?
I truly did believe that. She’d be horrified that I’d been stuck at 16 for my whole adult life.
“Please, just go home,” Kennedy said.
God, didn’t she realize that I didn’t have a fucking home? Not since Brooklyn died. For 16 years I’d barely been holding on. And I was done living that way. “The past is in the past, Kennedy. Can’t we just agree to keep it there?” I took a step forward but she put her hand up to stop me.
“No.”
I wasn’t sure if she was saying ‘no’ in response to my question.
Or telling me not to get near her. Either way, what the hell was I supposed to do?
She wasn’t going to let me in tonight. “We’ll talk in the morning then, okay?
” I hated how desperate I sounded. But I was.
Desperate for her. My eyes dropped to her lips.
She didn’t respond. But I swore I heard a sharp inhale. Her body betraying every single one of her words.
It took every ounce of my restraint to not step toward her again. “I’ll call you in the morning,” I said.
“No,” she said in a rush. “Don’t. I’ll…I’ll call you, okay?”
“Okay.” I could wait for her to call. I could handle that. She’d talk to me when she was ready. And hopefully she’d be ready really early in the morning, because I had a feeling I wouldn’t be sleeping tonight.
She nodded. “Goodnight, Matt.”
Her goodnight sounded an awful lot like a goodbye.
There was a light wailing noise behind the door. Had they gotten a cat? “What was that?” I asked.
“Nothing. I have to go,” Kennedy said. She opened the door and quickly closed it behind her.
There were a few more wailing noises and then silence.
I wanted to bang on the door. I wanted to kick it to the fucking ground and tell her I didn’t care about the past. That I was finally ready to embrace the future. I could at least tell her that I wasn’t allergic to cats.
Instead, I turned around and walked down the dingy hallway. I passed by Brooklyn’s old door and again didn’t look at it. I was finally ready to be happy. How could the memory of Brooklyn still be torturing me after all these years? Why couldn’t the past just stay in the past?
***
I honestly wasn’t sure how I ended up in the bar down the street from Tanner’s place. I didn’t remember driving or parking or anything. It was like I was in a trance. I downed my glass and shot Tanner a text letting him know I’d be late.
And exactly one minute later, which was at least five minutes too quickly to get here from his penthouse apartment, he slid into the stool beside mine at the bar.
“Bad night?” he asked.
I just stared at him. “How did you know I was here?”
He shrugged. “Just a feeling.”
“You had a feeling I was at this bar and got here in exactly one minute?”
“One minute? Nonsense. Pretty sure it took me a while to get here. It’s late. You must be sleep deprived or something. That can really mess with your head.”
I didn’t think that was it. Did he have my phone tracked or something? Honestly it didn’t even matter. I downed my second glass of scotch. “I had a crazy night.”
“Do tell.”
“Remember how I told you Penny had a surprise for me tonight? Well, the surprise was that she thought I was gay.”
Tanner laughed. And then he must have seen the serious look on my face. “Oh, wait. You’re serious? She’s friends with Justin, right? Like she’s met a gay man in real life?”
“That’s who my surprise blind date was with.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah.” I took another sip of my drink. “She saw you mouth kiss me at that restaurant and for some reason assumed that I was in love with you. And that you didn’t love me back. I have no idea why that was her assumption though, because you clearly kissed me .
Tanner laughed. “What is with people mistaking celebration kisses as something homosexual? This era just doesn’t understand proper affection between male friends.”
This era?
“But Penny was right about one thing. I’m way out of your league,” he said with a laugh. He waved down the bartender for a drink.
“I think you have it backward,” I said.
“Nah.” He lifted up his glass that the bartender just dropped off. “I don’t think so.”
“It really doesn’t matter in this fake scenario who had unrequited love for who.”
“If you say so. Since yours was unrequited. Even Penny agreed and she knows you very well.”
“I’m done with this conversation,” I said.
“Fair. Since I won. On a related note, are you going to tell her you aren’t gay?”
“I didn’t have to. I kind of yelled it to the whole restaurant. And she showed up. And I may have been talking about Brooklyn too and it all just kind of came out.”
He raised his eyebrows. “No more secrets.”
I nodded. “I told her everything. I even showed her the paintings of Brooklyn.”
“You took her to your serial killer room?”
“It’s not a serial killer room.”
Tanner gave me a weird look. “It’s a little like a serial killer room. Or at least a stalker’s lair.”
Honestly, he had a good point. “Penny may have mentioned that it wasn’t healthy to spend time in there.”
“Agreed.”
“I had a great conversation with her, though. She’s a really good friend.”
“I know. I’ve been trying to tell you not to put your dick in her for years.”
“What? If anything you’ve told me the opposite.”
“Have I? I don’t recall. She’s one of your best friends’ wives. That would have been highly inappropriate.”
“Yeah. It would have been.” Seriously, he didn’t remember telling me to hit that on numerous occasions?
“Especially now that you’re even from the whole Blue Parrot Resort fiasco.”
“What you did to me was worse,” I said. “Especially because of Nigel.” I’d never forget the way Nigel had stared at me when Tanner had slipped me boner pills as a joke.
“I don’t understand why you don’t just ignore him,” Tanner said.
“I don’t understand how you think he’s ignorable?”
“Eh, I’ve been stuck with him for so long. He blends into the walls. If you let him.”
What did that even mean? Whatever, it didn’t matter. “Penny really helped me though. I finally said goodbye to Brooklyn tonight. I’m ready to move on. For real this time.”
Tanner nodded. “That’s good. At least it didn’t take you a few hundred years.”
“What?”
“That old saying…” He tapped the top of the wooden bar as he thought. “That heartache takes two lifetimes to get over.”
I didn’t know if that saying actually sounded familiar or if maybe I was a little sleep deprived. But I found myself nodding my head. “It feels like two lifetimes.”
“Exactly.” Tanner slapped me on the back. “So you’re ready to finally embrace the present.” He waved down the bartender and ordered another round for both of us.
“Yes.” More than I even realized. I was ready to embrace it with Kennedy.
I felt really good about coming clean to Penny today.
For taking that step of saying goodbye to Brooklyn.
I didn’t want to talk about what happened with Kennedy right now.
Hopefully she’d calm down in the morning.
And we could just keep getting stronger.
The bartender slid us our glasses.
Tanner caught his in one hand and lifted it in the air. “To new beginnings!”
I tapped my glass against his.
“Hear, hear! It’s late though, and you really do look unwell. We should probably get home before Nigel starts to worry.” He downed his glass and then patted the front of his suit jacket. “Shoot, do you have two pence I can borrow?”
“Two pence?”
He cleared his throat. “I meant a twenty.”
“I’ll pay for the drinks, you cheap ass.”
He laughed. “I’ll get it next time.”
But we both knew he wouldn’t.