Homecoming - Chapter 24
Thursday
Brooklyn
“Brooklyn,” Tanner whispered. He lightly touched my arm. “We’re here.”
I slowly opened my eyes.
Tanner was crouched in front of me in the limo. Jacob was still fast asleep behind him.
“Where are we?” And why did Tanner look so serious?
He put his hand on the side of my face before I could turn to look out the window.
“I need you to know that I’ve done a lot of these.
More than I ever dreamed I’d have to endure.
But you have to face this head on. If you let the loss of someone close to you linger in your heart, it’ll make you sick.
Trust me. I’ve made that mistake. And I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
You have to set the pain free with the wind. You have to.”
I didn’t need to look out the window. I knew where he’d taken me. I could already feel the tears welling in my eyes. “I’m not ready.” My voice cracked.
“You’ll never be ready. And it’s not goodbye. It’s just choosing to keep living. For your son. And for you.” He let his hand fall from my cheek.
I looked out the window as the tears streamed down my cheeks.
Our lake house didn’t look the same. The grass was overgrown.
Patches were burnt away. And the gravel driveway up ahead had a scorched mark in the middle.
A piece of abandoned caution tape blew in the wind.
But my car was gone. Miller was gone. I started sobbing harder.
“You have to keep living, Brooklyn.”
“Tanner, I can’t…”
“I know how vehemently you believe in not wasting time. That you never know when life can be cut short. And all of it is short. Life is so fleeting for the living. You can’t afford to waste a second of it. Do you understand me?” It looked like he was holding back tears as he stared at me.
I thought about what he said about loss earlier. How he knew exactly what to say to me in this moment. “You’ve lost someone too?”
He nodded. “A great love. But my heart’s still beating. I’m still breathing. Life has to be lived. You can’t hide from the pain. It’ll follow you until it breaks you. You have to let it go.”
“But I love him so much.”
“I know.” He squeezed my hand. “And you don’t have to do this alone. We’re going to do this together, okay? You can hold my hand the whole time if you need to. I’m right here.”
I didn’t know how Kennedy met this man, but God was I so grateful for him in this moment. I wasn’t sure I could have done this with someone who knew me better. I needed a stranger. A very knowing stranger.
“Are you ready?” he asked.
“No.” But I nodded my head.
He smiled. “Do you want me to wake Jacob? I’ll be honest, I’m not great with kids. But I didn’t think you’d want to do this without him.”
“Could you maybe carry him inside? I don’t want him to see the front yard.”
Tanner nodded. “Okay.” He let go of my hand. And then he awkwardly lifted my son into his arms. He was somehow holding him away from him, yet holding him close at the same time.
I’d honestly never seen someone hold a child so strangely. But Jacob rested his head on Tanner’s shoulder, still fast asleep.
I opened up the door and stepped out. I breathed in the fall air and smiled through my tears. It smelled like Miller. It smelled like home. But I knew better than anyone…home wasn’t a place. Home was a feeling. A feeling you got when you were with the people you loved.
I felt so small standing there.
Tanner slipped his hand into mine. “I arranged for a few things inside,” he said. “And I’ll make some calls to find someone to cut the grass.”
How had he arranged any of this? How had he known where I lived?
But all the questions rolling around in my head were drowned out by the pain in my chest. It felt like I was dying inside.
Like my heart was burning, turning into ash in my chest. Miller’s truck was still sitting in the driveway.
A few dings from flying metal on the back. But otherwise…it was untouched.
“It was supposed to be me,” I said. “He was moving my car the morning of the explosion. My car was blocking his in. It should have been me.”
“Your father pushed this whole thing under the rug. I had my own team out here earlier this week to check what exactly was under that rug.”
Kennedy must have filled him in about what was going on. “And what did you find?”
He shifted Jacob in his arms. “I do believe it was supposed to be you. There’s no bomb anywhere on Miller’s truck. But, Brooklyn…you’re here. And you can’t afford to keep thinking like that.”
How could I not? “What else did you find?”
“You want to know if your father did it?”
I nodded.
“I’m still working on that. You lost power that night, right? My team found all the security cameras. But they all went out for about two hours.”
“Yeah, there was a storm.”
“No one was seen on your property before or after the gap in footage. I don’t think it was a storm that knocked your power out.
It’s too convenient. Someone was behind it.
And until we look into your father’s alibi, I’d keep my distance from him.
Because if he was behind it…he was gunning for you, Brooklyn. ”
“Trust me, I’m keeping my distance from him regardless.” And Poppy. A part of me wanted to believe my father wouldn’t hurt me. But the more I learned about Poppy, the more it seemed like she didn’t like me. “Could you also check out Poppy Cannavaro? I think she might have been involved too.”
“I’m already on it.”
“I can’t believe you’re doing all this for a friend of Kennedy’s that you don’t even know.”
“Yup, anything for my best friend.”
We both just stood there for a moment, staring at the house.
Even the air here smelled like Miller, and it was destroying me. Which meant walking into the house would probably be the death of me.
“I’m right here with you,” Tanner said.
I just nodded. “How long did it take to get here? Shouldn’t it be dark? It’s a long drive to the city…but it’s still daylight.”
“You’re procrastinating.”
I was. But that didn’t mean I wasn’t curious about how fast we’d been driving.
“Come on,” Tanner said. “I’ve got you.”
I let him guide me up to the front door.
I remembered the first time I came here. The snow had been falling and I’d been worried sick that Miller had moved on. I’d chosen him. I’d finally decided to put him first. Why had I waited so long? I’d missed out on time with him.
Tanner slowly opened the door.
I was right.
Inside was worse.
Miller was everywhere.
And I wanted to cry with relief and heartache at the same time.
He was here. It was like I could still feel him.
Like I’d turn around and he’d be walking in behind me.
Wrapping his arms around me and telling me everything would be okay.
I felt like I might collapse without him holding me up.
I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t breathe this air. I couldn’t keep going without Miller.
Tanner pulled me into a hug.
And I clung to him. He held me and Jacob until I stopped gasping for air. Until my tears subsided. Until I was completely numb and Jacob started to wake up.
Jacob looked up at Tanner.
“Hey there, little man.”
Jacob just stared at him.
“We’re here to pay tribute to your father,” Tanner said. “To start letting your heart heal. We’re not saying goodbye to him, we’re just…”
“No hablo inglés,” Jacob said.
I put my hand on his back. “Jacob…”
“No hablo inglés!” he screamed and jumped out of Tanner’s arms. He ran away from us and pushed open the back door.
“Jacob!”
I ran after him, the screen door slamming shut behind me.
Jacob was running toward the dock.
“Jacob, stop!” I ran after him, catching up to him on his little legs. I grabbed him and pulled him into my arms.
“Nooooo!” Jacob said as he tried to fight his way out of my grip. But it wasn’t just his normal elongated version of the word. It was filled with heartache as the tears started. “Noooo.” He said again as the fight left him and the tears poured down his cheeks.
I pulled him to my chest. No. Yeah. He had that right. No. None of this was fair. None of this should have happened.
“Noooo,” he sobbed.
I didn’t know what to say to make it right. I didn’t know how to make his heart stop hurting when mine was hurting too.
“Please don’t leave me too,” Jacob said as he looked up at me.
I’d been in his shoes before. I’d lost my mom and my uncle.
And I’d felt that same thing. That they’d left me.
But now that I was older…I saw it differently.
They hadn’t wanted to leave me all alone.
They loved me. And Miller loved us. He hadn’t left.
He was taken. “Sweet boy, your father didn’t choose to leave you. He’d never choose to leave us.”
“But he’s gone.”
“No.” I put my hands on both sides of his face. “Never.” I made sure he was staring back at me. “Nunca.”
“Nunca? You promise?” Jacob said. His bottom lip was still trembling.
“Jacob, your father will never be gone. Do you hear me? He’ll be right here with us. In your heart.”
“And in the stars,” Jacob said, remembering what I’d told him.
“The brightest star.”
Jacob nodded. “I want to go home.”
“This is our home.”
He shook his head, making my hands fall from his face. “I want my abuela. And to play with Scarlett.”
“Is that really what you want? You want to stay in the city?”
“Yessie. He’s okay too,” Jacob said and pointed to Tanner.
I smiled. Yeah, Tanner was okay too.
Tanner cleared his throat and walked over to us. “I arranged for this to be here. I thought you might want to spread his ashes.” He handed me an urn. “I wasn’t sure if you’d want to keep it. Or maybe spread them here.” He pulled off his hat and held it to his chest, paying his respects.
I looked down at the container in my hands. Miller’s presence was so big. This didn’t feel big enough. And I didn’t know what to do with it. I looked back up at Tanner. “What did you do? When you lost the woman you loved?”
“Oh, I…” he looked out at the water. “I would have spread her ashes if that had been a choice.”
“Why wasn’t it?”
He cleared his throat. “It happened…abroad.” He shook his head, like he was shaking away the memory. “I’m going to give you two a moment alone. Do you maybe want me to box a few things up for you?” Tanner asked.
“Um…” I looked back at Jacob.
Jacob nodded. “I want everything from my room.”
“Jacob, we don’t have a place to stay in the city. We can’t take everything right now…”
“I actually think I have a solution for that,” Tanner said. “I was just about to put a place up for sale, but the two of you could stay there.”
“Tanner, that’s so generous, but I can’t…”
“I insist. The Alcaraz’ apartment wasn’t meant for four. Plus, this place has a yard for Young Jacob to play in.”
“Can I still see my abuela?” Jacob asked.
“Of course,” Tanner said. “It’s not too far away.”
Jacob looked up at me. “I’d like a yard, Mommy.”
“Thank you, Tanner,” I said. “Just for a bit until we find our own place.”
“I’m sure that will happen faster than you think.” He smiled and then walked back up to the house.
I didn’t know what he meant by that. But I turned back to Jacob. “Come here, baby.” I sat down on the edge of the dock, letting my legs hang off the side.
He sat down next to me.
“Where did you have the most fun with Daddy?”
Jacob pointed to the water.
“That’s what I was thinking too.” I looked out at the lake. “Your father will always be in the stars. But there’s a piece of him in here.” I tapped the side of the urn. “I think he’d like being in the water, don’t you?”
“He’d really like that, Mommy.”
“Yeah.” I tried to blink my tears away. “Do you want to take the boat out to the middle?”
Jacob nodded.
I needed to move my body. Rowing the boat would help get rid of some of this nervous energy in my veins. Maybe bring me some semblance of peace, if only for a few minutes.
I untied the little rowboat and helped Jacob into it.
Miller loved this house.
We’d wanted to raise our family here.
And even though Jacob didn’t want to live here right now, it didn’t mean he wouldn’t want to come back eventually. I’d never sell this house. We’d keep it.
No, Miller wasn’t next to me anymore. But his memory was here. In this yard. In this lake. He was everywhere. I missed him more than life. But he’d keep living here. And we could visit whenever we wanted. Maybe when our hearts were beating normally again.
Miller would want his ashes here. I rowed the boat out to the center of the lake. Miller always used to row it. And the ache in my arms was a welcome distraction.
When we reached the middle of the lake, Jacob climbed into my lap and wrapped his arms around me.
I kissed his forehead and hugged him back.
Neither of us knew what to say. But as we sat there in silence, that felt okay. Because this wasn’t goodbye. I’d love Miller until the day I died. This would never be goodbye.
I let Jacob turn the urn upside down and dump the ashes into the lake.
“Now he’s in the lake and the sky,” Jacob said.
I nodded. “And right here.” I put my hand on his chest. “Always right here.”