Homecoming - Chapter 34
Saturday
Brooklyn
I rummaged through a few boxes, trying to find something to wear to the Empire High homecoming football game. Tanner had done what I’d asked and left most of my things at the lake house, so there weren’t many options. But I hoped I’d find something that worked.
I smiled when I found my old beat up Keds.
It had been forever since I’d worn them.
Over the years they’d gotten more and more run down.
There was practically a hole in both soles.
But I was feeling sentimental today. And they didn’t just remind me of my mom now.
They reminded me of my uncle too, when he’d fixed them for me.
It felt like putting on armor as I laced them up.
For a second I just sat there staring at the shoes.
They didn’t just remind me of my mom and uncle.
They reminded me of Matt. He’d told me he liked them. Even when I’d worn them with a dress.
I was about to unlace them, but then I froze. Because they also reminded me of Miller. My feet sinking in the snow as I walked up to him on Christmas morning at the lake house. After finally finding my way back to him.
And not just that…but he’d gone out of his way to find my Keds after Isabella had made me strip in the middle of nowhere to try to get rid of me. The night of homecoming 16 years ago.
The good was mixed with the bad.
I’d had a lot of memories in these shoes.
And I felt different wearing them. Stronger somehow. And I needed that today.
But I didn’t come in here for shoes. I needed one of my old Empire High t-shirts.
I doubted anyone I knew would be going to the homecoming game today.
If I’d graduated there it would be….what?
My 14 th reunion? A nice non-round number that no one would bother celebrating.
And based on the things James and Mason had told me, it didn’t seem like any of them felt a pull to the school.
They’d wanted to leave it all behind them. Just like I did.
Some people said that high school was the best years of their lives. I wasn’t one of those people. Isabella had made sure of it.
I opened another box and stopped when I felt the leather sleeve. I slowly picked up Matt’s old varsity jacket. I stared at the big E on the front. I was pretty sure I’d lived in this thing for weeks when Matt and I were dating.
I couldn’t believe I still had it. And I don’t know why, but I just kept staring at it. And staring. Until I eventually lifted the jacket to my nose and took a deep breath, wondering if I could still smell him. Or rather, smell that fall.
But it just smelled like the cardboard box it had been sitting in for the past 16 years.
I sighed and put the varsity jacket back in the box.
I didn’t even remember what he smelled like anyway.
And I wasn’t sure why I was even thinking about what he smelled like.
I wasn’t going to get close enough to smell him tomorrow when I talked to him.
I was just going to…tell him what happened.
I kept staring at the jacket.
And maybe apologize. Because if what James and Mason had told me was true…Matt hadn’t forgotten about me at all.
No. He’d forgotten me . I’d seen him. He hadn’t looked broken to me. He looked…happy. He looked joyful. Living his life completely content without me.
And he was happy now with Kennedy. And I was happy for them. I wasn’t going to mess up anyone’s life any more than I already had.
I’d found a new home here. I couldn’t explain it, but this house just felt right. Jacob loved the little yard. We’d been dancing when we cooked every day. We were going to be okay.
I closed the lid of the box just as another text came in.
I looked down at the message from Kennedy. She’d asked me to call her as soon as I talked to Matt yesterday. But I’d chickened out. And now I didn’t know what to say.
She texted again: “I can’t keep doing this. I can’t eat. Or sleep. I feel physically sick. I have to tell him.”
I knew that feeling. I’d cooked lots with Jacob and danced around the kitchen.
But I barely touched my food. And I couldn’t sleep at all unless I climbed into his small bed at night.
Kennedy was sick to her stomach over someone that was alive.
I was sick with grief. I loved her. But our pain wasn’t the same.
And maybe it was selfish, or maybe I was just a shitty friend…
because I had a really hard time feeling bad about this.
If I made her wait one more day for her happily ever after with Matt, she’d still get a whole lifetime of it.
I’d only ever have those 15 years with Miller.
That’s all I’d ever get. My happily ever after had been cut short.
So Kennedy could wait another day for me to find the courage to face my past. And today was a big step.
I was going back to Empire High. I’d be facing some of my old demons head on.
If anything could give me the strength to confront Matt, it was this.
I’d get through today. And then I’d get through tomorrow.
And Jacob and I could keep going. Together.
“I’ll tell him,” I texted back.
“When? Please, Brooklyn.”
I put my phone down. I’d do it tomorrow. And I’d text her right after. After all, I didn’t have a choice now. Mason had given me an ultimatum. I needed to talk to Matt before the weekend was over.
But today? I was going to wear a plain blue shirt without the Empire High logo and have fun with my son. “Jacob!” I called. “Are you ready to go?”
He ran into the room. “Sí.”
I smiled at him. We were both wearing jeans and blue shirts. I always thought he looked like a mini-Miller. But today I saw myself in him. Minus the hat. He was still wearing Tanner’s hat. And it was officially the cutest thing ever.
“And you’re going to keep your clothes on during the game?” I asked.
“Sí,” he said and tipped his hat at me, like he’d seen Tanner do the other day.
I laughed and booped him on the nose. “Are you excited for the game?”
“Yessie, Mommy! Can we go now? It’s football day!”
“Tanner should be here any minute. Race you to the door?”
He took off running before I even finished my sentence. That little cheater. He squealed when I lifted him up before he could reach the door. I turned backwards and held him out in front of me so I’d reach the door first.
“Nooooooo,” Jacob said.
He was a cheater and he used his adorableness against me. I turned at the last second so that he could tag the door.
He smiled up at me. “I win. Now I get to go to the zoo tomorrow.”
“Jacob, we just went to the zoo yesterday.” I set him down.
“Then we can play with Scarlett?”
I’d get through today. I’d get through tomorrow.
And then I’d start the rest of my life here.
It probably would have been easier to just avoid all the untouchables.
But…I didn’t really want to do that. James, Rob, and Mason had been nothing but wonderful.
And Jacob was allowed to be friends with whoever he wanted.
Right now Scarlett was his only friend. Well, maybe Tanner too.
Jacob had definitely taken a liking to him.
“I’ll give her mom a call and see when they’re free again, okay?”
Jacob nodded. “Abuelo’s here!”
Oh, God, what? I looked out the narrow window by the front door. But it wasn’t my father walking up to the house. It was just Tanner. Was Jacob referring to Tanner as just Abuelo now that he’d met his real grandfather and disapproved of him?
Jacob opened the door.
“Hey, little man,” said Tanner. “Nice hat.”
Jacob tipped the hat at him and Tanner’s smile grew.
“I see you don’t have any old shirts lying around either,” I said.
“What?” Tanner asked.
“From Empire High.”
“Oh.” He looked down at the button down he was wearing. “Yeah. Even if I did none of them would have lasted that long anyway.”
What the hell was he doing to his shirts? Washing them constantly on hot instead of cold or something? Or maybe he just dry cleaned everything. Even t-shirts. For some reason I couldn’t imagine Tanner doing laundry.
“Ready for the best day of your life?” Tanner asked.
The best day of Jacob’s life? I knew Jacob was excited about seeing a live game, but that was stretching it a little. But when I looked up, Tanner was staring at me instead of at Jacob.
“Best day ever!” Jacob yelled.
“Yup,” Tanner said and winked at me.
It wasn’t the first time that I’d suddenly felt like I’d walked into a date with Tanner without realizing it.
“Are you sure you don’t need a jacket?” Tanner asked me.
“Yeah, I’m good.” The leaves had started to change and the night air was crisp. But there wasn’t a cloud in the sky.
“You sure? Maybe an old Empire High one or something? There were a lot of things in those old boxes.”
I laughed. “I’m sure.” I was a little relieved that this didn’t feel like a date anymore. Wouldn’t he want me to be cold so he could put his arm around me or something if it were?
“I thought I saw an Empire High jacket though?”
Oh. He’d just stumbled upon it in the boxes. “Yeah, that isn’t even mine.”
“No? Whose is it?”
I felt Jacob staring up at me too. “Just an old friend’s,” I said.
“An old friend’s? Interesting.”
“Yeah.” I looked down at my Keds as words from Miller’s letter starting swirling around in my head.
“ I know there was someone before me. I know you still think about him sometimes.” I shook the thought away.
“I had all my old stuff in storage. I never went through it. I really need to get rid of some things.”
“I don’t know,” Tanner said. “Sometimes holding on to sentimental items makes you feel closer to the ones you’ve lost.”
I nodded. He probably thought it was Miller’s jacket. But it wasn’t. And I wasn’t sure why we were even talking about a stupid old jacket. The fact that I’d kept it didn’t mean anything. I really had just never gone through the old boxes.