Exposed - Chapter 18
Sunday
Brooklyn
My heart was broken. But like always, I felt a lot less broken in Matt’s arms. I’d felt this way yesterday too, when he’d followed me into the auditorium. But I also remembered what happened afterward. All we seemed capable of was fighting.
Matt was still buried deep inside of me.
And I didn’t want to move. I just wanted to stay like this forever.
But I felt like any second now, he’d tell me to go to hell.
And I’d yell something worse. He knew I loved Miller.
I didn’t need to say it anymore. He needed to hear something entirely different.
“I love you, Matt. Even when you’re covered in dirt.
” I reached out to wipe off his face, but my hands were still dirty.
He smiled. “I love getting dirty with you too. Speaking of which…now I’m going to take you upstairs and we’re going to do that all over again.”
“I want that. I do, but…how are we supposed to move forward?” I touched his cheek and smiled at the dirt I’d gotten all over him.
“I don’t know if I can let go of that feeling that you forgot me.
That you grieved so differently than me.
And I don’t know if you can let go of the fact that I disappeared and had a life without you.
I think a piece of you will always hate me, Matt. ”
“I need to show you something,” he said. He slowly pulled out of me.
Some of his cum dripped down my thigh. I pressed my lips together, not wanting to ask the question that was racing through my mind. But I did need to. “Do I need to be worried about this?” I grabbed my ruined leggings and wiped off my thigh. “We haven’t used a condom twice.”
“I always use a condom,” Matt said.
I just stared at him. He literally did not. My leggings were evidence of that.
He cleared his throat. “That was…those were the only two times I haven’t.”
He’d slept with a lot of women. I knew that. “Why didn’t you use one with me then?”
“Because…it’s you, Brooklyn.” He pushed his hair off his forehead. “I’m sorry, I should have asked you. I kind of lose my head around you.”
“Me too.”
He smiled down at me. “But you have nothing to worry about. Unless you’re worried about the other thing. I don’t know if you’re on the pill or…” his voice trailed off. “But I’m not worried about that. Not even a little.” His smile grew.
His words made my chest hurt. “I’m not worried about that either.” Not because of the pill though. But because I was pretty sure it wasn’t possible for me to have more kids. There was a calmness between us right now though. And I didn’t want to make it heavy.
“I also haven’t had sex in weeks,” he said. “If that helps.”
I stared up at him. “Didn’t you and Kennedy…”
“No. It was just like…third base stuff.”
I figured that they’d had sex. And I was honestly really relieved that they hadn’t. I couldn’t stop staring at him. He’d never had sex without a condom before. He’d saved something just for me.
He was staring down at me, his eyes searching my face.
I think he probably thought I had a lot more questions about his time with Kennedy. Or with other women. But I didn’t want to know any of it. If Matt and I had a future, we had to learn to live in the present.
“Come with me.” He grabbed my hand and pulled me back into the house. His house.
I couldn’t believe this was his house. Tanner said the owner had renovated it for years. And everything about it…it… “You painted your kitchen yellow. Why?”
“I mean…that’s what you wanted.”
He was going to make me start crying again. “Matt.”
“I did a lot of things, not realizing they were for you until they were done. That’s why I put it up for sale. Because I built a home for our family but you weren’t here. But you’re here now.”
I squeezed his hand. “I love it. I don’t know how to explain it, but as soon as I stepped into this house it felt like home.”
He nodded.
“And now we’re getting it all messy.” I tried to wipe my hands off on my sweatshirt.
“I kind of like this look.” He reached out and touched a strand of hair that was falling out of my ponytail.
“Like we’ve rolled around in the dirt?”
“Maybe we should do that on the Empire High football field.”
I laughed.
“But first…you want to know how we can move forward. When you don’t know how to let go of that feeling that I forgot you.
I have a lot of ways to prove I never forgot.
You saw how often I visited your grave. I coach football at Empire High because sometimes during crowded games, I can easily picture you in the stands. ”
Yeah, he was definitely going to make me cry.
“And I painted this kitchen yellow. I made this home for you. But there’s more.” He pulled me up the stairs.
He looked over at Jacob’s closed door. And then back at me. “Is that…” his voice trailed off.
“He’s taking a nap. We probably have a few minutes.”
“Okay.” He kept staring at the door. “I’m excited to meet him. If you want me to.”
I nodded. “I want you to. He loves football. I think he’ll be excited that you love it too.”
Matt smiled. But he looked nervous. And I wasn’t sure it was because he was nervous to meet my son. Or nervous to show me whatever he was about to show me.
“This is probably going to seem really weird,” he said. “But I made you a promise on Thanksgiving. And I kept doing it. I…it made me feel close to you.”
I didn’t know what he was talking about. What promise?
He pulled a key out of his pocket and put it into the locked door. “Actually, doing it had exactly the effect that you wanted.” He pushed open the door. “I usually come in here when I’m stressed. Or sad. And…it helps me.”
I stood there in the hallway, staring at a large portrait of my face. Oh my God.
“Say something,” Matt said.
I stepped into the room and spun around, staring at all the portraits of…
me . They blurred in front of me as the tears fell down my cheeks.
All those years ago, Matt had been stressed out balancing football, homework, and wedding planning.
He’d told me that he used to paint with his aunt.
And I’d surprised him with paint supplies on Thanksgiving morning. Before everything broke. I remembered.
“I know you probably think I’m insane. But…I never forgot you Brooklyn. I was just working on this one a couple weeks ago.” He pointed to the one in the center of the room.
There was a smear down the side of my painted cheek, making it look like I was crying.
“You really gotta say something. Because I’m kinda freaking out.”
“Matt…this is…” my voice trailed off. “This is…”
“A lot.” He scratched the back of his neck. “I know.”
I shook my head. “No. I mean, yeah, it’s a lot. But I love it. I love you.”
The corner of his mouth ticked up.
“You painted. You painted me .” I stared at all the stacked canvases. “I didn’t realize you were so good at it.”
He laughed. “You don’t think I’m crazy?”
“No.” I couldn’t stop smiling. The flowers on my tombstone. Him coaching at Empire High. The yellow kitchen. These paintings. “I believe you. I believe you didn’t forget.”
“You’re unforgettable, Brooklyn.”
God, how had I ever not loved him? How had I so easily believed my father’s lies? I grabbed his hand and pulled him toward my bedroom. I let go of his hand as he sat down on the edge of my bed. He probably thought I was about to climb onto his lap.
Instead, I knelt down in front of one of my old boxes. I pulled out a smaller box that had all the notes he’d ever written me. I handed it to him.
“I didn’t forget either. Even though I tried.
I kept all this stuff. I…I never stopped loving you.
And it hurts me to say that. Because…well…
you know why. And I believe you never forgot about me.
But I still don’t know if we can move forward.
Because I need you to not be mad at the life I had without you.
I want to be able to talk about Miller to my son.
I don’t want him to forget him. I don’t want to forget him.
You’ll have to coexist with him in my life.
It’s the only way I know how to keep going. ”
Matt wasn’t looking at me. He was reading the old notes. Mostly of him demanding I meet him in the auditorium.
“Matt?”
He looked up at me. “You kept these all these years?”
“Not just that.” I grabbed his varsity jacket out of the box too. And some of the pictures my father had brought me. “These were the only pictures of you I had. My dad got them somehow.” I handed them to him.
He stared at the Untouchables being happy again. Of him looking happy with other girls. Even though he hadn’t been. He sighed and ran his hand down his face. “Okay,” he said.
“Okay?”
“It’s not going to be easy for me, Brooklyn. You talking about Miller. Knowing why sometimes you look so sad. But I do understand. I know you don’t think I grieved correctly. But I was dying inside. I…”
“I know. I know you know how I feel. And I shouldn’t have said you didn’t.”
He nodded. “And I’d never want your son to forget his father. But Brooklyn…I want to be part of his life. I don’t know how that’ll work. But we’ll figure it out. Together. I’m done living in the past. I want to move forward. Let’s move forward.”
I straddled him on the bed. “You swear you don’t hate me?”
“Never.”
“Nunca,” I said.
He smiled at me. “Nunca.”
I smiled back as I breathed him in. “Cinnamon.”
“What?”
“I also started baking. That was my job. I brought baked goods to a local restaurant, where Miller was the chef. And I didn’t even realize it until I saw you again…
but…I think I did it because it made me feel close to you.
Even though I’d let you go. It smelled like home. Matt, you smell like home.”
He cradled my face in his hands. “Let’s get married.”
I laughed.
“I’m serious, Brooklyn. I don’t want to waste another second of my life without you.”
“You haven’t even met my son yet. And I…I’m not ready.” I’d told Miller that years ago. Because I was mourning Matt. “I need to take this slow. My heart really hurts. And I…”
“It’s okay. I’ve already waited half a lifetime for you. I can wait a few more days.”
“Days?” I laughed.
“Weeks?”
I shook my head.
“Months?”
I shrugged.
“Years?”
“Hmmm.”
“Baby, please.”
I pressed my lips against his. “We’ll figure it out. But first…I really want you to meet my son.”