Exposed - Chapter 31
Wednesday
Matt
I wasn’t sure how Jacob had gotten so dirty at practice. But there was even some mud in his hair. Actually, Nigel looked almost just as dirty. Had they been rolling around on the field while I wasn’t looking? And why was Nigel still with us? I thought he’d head back to Tanner’s after practice.
“Cuppycakes for dinner?” Jacob asked as we all walked inside.
I glanced at Brooklyn.
She shook her head.
Yeah, it was probably a bad idea after how much dessert he’d had for lunch. “We need to clean you up first, kiddo.”
“Does that mean Mr. Jacob needs a bath?” Nigel asked.
“Yes, he absolutely does,” Brooklyn said and rubbed some dirt off Jacob’s cheek.
“I can bathe Mr. Jacob.” He looked too excited for my liking.
“Actually, that would be great,” Brooklyn said. She didn’t seem to have any concerns like I did. “I really appreciate it, Nigel.”
Nigel beamed up at her. “Anything for you, mademoiselle. Your word is my command.”
Why did he listen to everyone but me?
“Come, Mr. Jacob. It’s bath time!” Nigel sprinted up the stairs and Jacob ran after him.
“You’re not at all concerned about that?” I asked as I kicked off my shoes.
“Concerned about what?”
“How excited Nigel is to bathe Jacob?”
She laughed. “Nigel is a bath enthusiast. I expected nothing less, honestly.”
I glanced at the stairs. “I feel like maybe we should go up there…”
“And here I thought you’d be happy to have a little alone time with me.” She looped her hands behind my neck.
“Hmm.” I leaned down, but stopped a fraction of an inch from her lips. “And what exactly did you have in mind, baby?”
Brooklyn closed her eyes, like what I said pained her.
I touched the side of her face. “What’s wrong?”
She slowly opened her eyes again and took a deep breath. “As much as I want you to just throw me over your shoulder cave man style and take me upstairs…I need to tell you something.”
I really liked the sound of that first thing. But the second part didn’t sound nearly as fun. “As long as you’re not sneaking around with James, we’re good,” I joked, hoping to lighten the mood.
“Ha. Ha. Very funny.” But she was smiling again. “Could you imagine if I’d actually come back with the sole intention of stealing James for myself?” She laughed again.
I didn’t find the idea super funny. But I was glad she’d laughed. I’d always thought there was something between them. But maybe they’d always just been friends. “So if this isn’t about James…”
“It doesn’t have anything to do with your friends. It’s about me.”
“Okay.” She really wasn’t giving me much to work with here.
“I’m thirsty, are you thirsty?” She unwound her hands from behind my neck and walked into the kitchen.
I watched her pour a cup of water for both of us, even though I hadn’t responded. She set mine down on the counter.
“Brooklyn, just tell me what’s going on.”
“I love you.”
“Good.” I smiled. “Because I love you too.”
She looked down at the counter and traced one of the veins in the granite. “Jacob was a surprise,” she said. “A great surprise. I told you that I was trying to keep my promises to you…” her voice trailed off.
I knew she’d put off marrying Miller until she found out she was pregnant. “I know.”
“Miller wanted lots of kids. You two actually had more in common than you probably realize.” She looked over at the planters I’d built for her.
“Okay,” I said. I wasn’t really sure where she was going with this. “So…” my voice trailed off, but she didn’t fill in the missing pieces. “So you didn’t want to have any more kids with him? Because that felt like a betrayal to me too?”
Her eyes finally met mine. “No. I would have given Miller the world if I could have.”
I tried to not let her words sting. But they did. “I don’t know what you’re trying to tell me. And I think maybe it’s best if I don’t take another guess.”
“I’m sorry, it’s not…this isn’t coming out right. I’m…I…” she pressed her lips together.
I rounded the counter to be closer to her. “Just tell me.” But I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. She wanted lots of kids with him . Which meant… Fuck. “Are you pregnant? Is that what you’re trying to tell me?” I wanted to be happy for her, but I really felt like I was going to be sick.
She shook her head.
I couldn’t help it, I breathed a sigh of relief. I did love Jacob. He was impossible not to love. But it would have been really hard to wait around for nine months, watching another man’s baby grow in my girl’s stomach. Knowing it should have been mine. Knowing that I’d have to wait.
“No,” she said. She stood up a little straighter and looked me right in the eye. “I…I don’t think I can have any more kids, Matt.”
I don’t know what I’d been expecting, but I hadn’t expected her to say that. “What do you mean you don’t think you can?”
“I tried to get pregnant again. And I had a miscarriage. It was…it was really hard for me.” She started blinking away tears. “It’s really hard for me to talk about…”
I pulled her into my arms. “It’s okay.” It wasn’t. I hated seeing her cry. I ran my hand up and down her back. “That won’t happen again here. We can go to the best doctors. We can…”
“It wasn’t anything we did wrong.” She pushed against my chest so she could take a step back from me. “I’m a good mom, Matt.”
That wasn’t what I’d meant. Not even in the slightest.
“We had access to good doctors…”
“I didn’t say you did anything wrong. That wasn’t what I meant. You’re a great mom, Brooklyn. I know that. You’re so great with Jacob.”
She wiped away her tears. She wrapped her arms around her stomach, blocking herself from me. “You don’t understand.” She closed herself off even more when she took a step back from me.
I didn’t understand. I had no idea what losing a baby would feel like. But I couldn’t understand if she wouldn’t talk to me. “Are you scared to try again? Is that what you’re saying?”
“It broke me. I’m still broken. And I’ve tried so many times since then. The tests are always negative. Every month. My heart can’t take it anymore. I can’t…” She shook her head. “I can’t do it anymore. My body won’t do it.”
It didn’t sound like she couldn’t. It sounded liked she didn’t want to try. “So you don’t want any more kids?”
“I can’t have any more kids.”
“That’s not what I asked, Brooklyn. Do you want more kids?” With me?
“Of course I want more. All I want in the whole world is to fill our house with kids. I wanted that back when I was 16. I want it all with you.”
“Then that’s what we’ll do. We can go to specialists. We can…”
“Matt, that’s not what I need from you right now.”
“Then what do you need from me?” I closed the distance between us and wiped her tears away with my thumbs.
“I need you to tell me that I’m enough. That Jacob and I are enough for you to be happy. That you’ll be happy even if it’s just the three of us.”
I stared down at her. It wasn’t going to be just the three of us. We both wanted a house full of kids, so it was going to happen. I’d make sure of it.
She took a step back from me. “I think it’s best if you go. I’ve already confused Jacob enough. I can’t do this to him.”
“You didn’t give me a chance to respond,” I said.
Brooklyn shook her head. “Yes I did. And you didn’t say anything at all.”
“I was thinking.”
“It’s okay, Matt. Really. I know you want lots of kids. And all I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy. I don’t even know what we’re doing. We’re not 16 anymore. Really, it’s fine.” But there were tears streaming down her face. “Seriously, please, can you just go?”
Was she insane? I took a step toward her and she closed her eyes tight.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“I can’t do this, Matt. I can’t do this knowing you’re going to leave. I’m already so broken.” Her voice cracked.
“Nothing about you is broken.” I cradled her face in my hands. “Look at me.”
She opened her eyes and the tears fell faster.
“You and Jacob are enough.” I meant it. I’d always wanted a family. With her. I’d gotten one overnight. Of course they were enough.
She shook her head.
“Yes. You are. You were always enough for me. I swear to you. Of course I’m not walking away.
But you also have to know that if you still want a house full of kids, I’ll do anything in my power to make it happen.
I’m okay with it just being the three of us.
You guys are the family I’ve been dying for.
But you also have to be okay with still trying.
With seeing some specialists. For me. For us. Please.”
She nodded. “But you won’t leave if I can’t?”
“What about everything you learned about me in the past couple weeks has given you the impression that I can live without you?”
She laughed and threw her arms around me.
“I’m sorry that you lost a baby.” I held her tighter.
“I’m sorry you haven’t been able to get pregnant again.
” I was. If she’d shown up with 10 kids I would have loved all of them.
But I wasn’t giving up on the future we wanted.
Maybe she hadn’t had any more kids because the next one was supposed to be mine.
Because she was mine. But I didn’t say it out loud.
Because I couldn’t hear her tell me again that she’d wanted these same things with another man.
She kissed the side of my neck and I felt her tears fall on my shoulder.
“You know,” I said and pulled back so I could look down at her. “It just so happens that one of my favorite things is trying to get you pregnant.”
Brooklyn laughed even though there were still tears in her eyes.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I told her again.
“Good. Because I told Jacob you were staying forever.”
“Speaking of Jacob…they’ve been up there for a long time. We should probably go check on them.”
“I’m sure Nigel isn’t doing anything weird.” She wiped the rest of her tears away.
“Yeah…I don’t think you know him very well yet. I’m gonna go check.” I went up the stairs. I pushed opened the bathroom door. There was a lot to unpack in the bathroom. But most alarming was the fact that Jacob and Nigel were both sitting in the tub.
“Nigel, are you wearing clothes?!” Was he seriously butt naked in that tub with Jacob?
“I’m wearing swim trunks,” Nigel said. “But if you’d prefer I showed trunk, I can do that instead.” He stood up and grabbed the sides of his swim trunks that had rubber duckies printed all over them.
“Stop.”
He froze. “No trunk?”
“Absolutely not.” And that was a disgusting way to refer to his dick. Although…it was kind of the size of an elephant trunk.
Nigel splashed back down into the tub. “Now where were we.” He grabbed one of the dozens of rubber duckies floating on the top. “One duck.” He squeezed it to make it squeak.
“Un,” Jacob said.
He grabbed another duck. “Two ducks.”
“Deux.”
Another duck.
“Trois!”
Nigel clapped, splashing bubbles out the side of the tub. “Cheers, Mr. Jacob.” He grabbed the champagne glass that was sitting next to him.
Jacob lifted a cup filled with a deep amber liquid that was balancing on the edge of the tub.
I quickly grabbed it out of his hand. “What is this?” I asked.
“It’s not a snifter of cognac like I prepare for you, Master Matthew. It’s just a sparkling apple cider. Mr. Jacob is a boy. And he can’t drink that until he’s 18.”
“Not until he’s 21, you mean.” I handed the glass back to Jacob.
“I don’t think so. It’s 18 for hard liquor and 16 for wine, right? But actually, it’s all up to a parent’s discretion. Or a grandparent’s. I’ll consult Tanner to see if he’ll allow it.”
“No. Absolutely not.”
Jacob quietly sipped his glass of sparkling apple cider with his pinky out. Nigel must have taught him to do that too. And why were there so many bubbles? It seemed like there were more bubbles than water. And where had all those ducks come from? I jumped. Had one of them just flapped?
“Aw look at the two of you,” Brooklyn said. “Are you both cleaned up for dinner?”
“Sí!” Jacob yelled.
“Mr. Jacob,” Nigel said. “Use the world’s most sensual language for your gorgeous mother.”
Excuse me?
Jacob nodded. “I meant oui!”
Brooklyn laughed. “Okay, both of you out before you start to shrivel.” She wrapped a towel around Jacob’s shoulders and then did the same to Nigel.
Nigel gave her the most flirtatious smile I’d ever seen as she rubbed his shoulders with the towel.
How was Brooklyn okay with any of this?
***
“There,” I said and stuck the last star to the ceiling above Jacob’s bed.
Jacob smiled up at the stars.
“Wait, it gets better.” I jumped off the bed and hit the lights.
The stars glowed lightly.
“Wow,” Jacob said. “I can see Daddy in my room, Mommy!”
I smiled and ignored the way my chest hurt. That’s what I’d wanted. To give him the stars. I cleared my throat. “I’ll give you two a minute.”
“Wait,” Jacob said. “Can you read me my bedtime story?”
“You want me to do it?”
“Oui.”
“Let me turn the lights back on,” Brooklyn said.
“I have a better idea.” I pulled out my phone and hit the flashlight feature. I sat down next to Jacob on the bed and took the book he handed me.
“This one is my favorite.”
“It looks like a good one.” I turned to the first page and lit it up with my phone.
Jacob snuggled into my side to stare at the page.
I looked at Brooklyn who was sitting on the other side of him. She smiled at me.
This felt so…normal. And I’d meant what I said. They were enough. I cleared my throat and looked back down at the page. “And the duck goes…”
“Quack,” Jacob said.
I smiled and kept going. “And the lion goes…”
“Roar.”
“And the turkey goes…”
“Gobble gobble. Can you do the monster one?”
“The monster?” I skipped a few pages ahead. And then a few more. I didn’t see anything but normal animals.
“Daddy always does the monster.” He stayed snuggled into my side. “Can you do Daddy’s part?”
“Oh…um…” I skipped more pages. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what he wanted me to say. But I wanted to do it right.
“And the monster goes…” Brooklyn said, saving me. “Rawr!” she tickled Jacob’s side and smiled at me.
Jacob giggled until she stopped her tickle attack. “Now I want Coach to do it,” he said to me.
“And the monster goes…rawr!” I tickled his side, sending him into another fit of giggles.
Somehow we all started rawring and jumping around the bed. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d smiled so hard.