Stalker Problems - Chapter 3 - Under Arrest #2
“Finally,” Chastity said. “Come join us. Your mom made that zucchini bread you love. And I made one too.” She pointed to a raw zucchini on a plate with a dinner roll on each side, resembling a penis.
“That does not classify as zucchini bread,” I said. “Chastity, why on earth did you invite a stripper to a party that my parents were attending?”
Chastity laughed. “They didn’t care. And Aunt Carol seemed particularly pleased by the fake police officer. She couldn’t look away.”
“She can barely see.” I plopped down on the couch next to Madison, the other friend I actually liked. I didn’t bother to say hi to Liz because she was probably already asleep. Really…why did my friends keep inviting her to things? She wasn’t even conscious.
I lifted up a slice of pizza. At least there was the promised food.
And presents. My eyes landed on the pile of presents next to the couch.
“Can I open those?” If I’d known that getting divorced meant I’d be getting a pile of presents, maybe I would have dumped Joe a long time ago.
Way before I found out he was cheating on me with an instamodel.
“I thought you’d never ask.” Chastity tossed me the first present.
It was a self-help book titled “You Are Not Worthless” from Madison.
Um, I know that. Why did people assume I was depressed because I got divorced?
I was happy. Next up was a definitely re-gifted bread maker.
Followed by three sets of wine glasses, two pieces of divorce-themed wall art, and a bunch of stuff from Hallmark.
There was a set of lacy black lingerie that I assumed was from Chastity. “Thanks, Chastity.”
She shook her head. “That wasn’t from me. I got you the stripper.”
Right. I turned over the card. It said it was from Aunt Carol. Ew. I felt dirty again. Almost as dirty as when my body was in the dumpster.
I quickly lifted up the last present. It was a six-month subscription to Match.com. Great. Whoever gave me this must not have realized that I couldn’t be trusted around men and fire.
“Perfect,” Chastity said and snatched it out of my hand. “Let’s get you signed up tonight!”
“What? No way.”
“Why not?”
“You know I can’t date right now. Not after…” I looked both ways like someone that didn’t know about it would overhear. But they all knew… “ The incident .”
“Would you stop whispering that?” said Chastity. “It’s not a big deal. You set some guy’s dick on fire one time. That’s not a reason to give up dating!”
“It was more than just that. I stripped in the public restroom and he caught me nearly naked drying my shirt under the hand dryer.”
“And on your next date you’re not going to do either of those things.”
“I was also late.” The worst of all the things. I poured myself a glass of wine to distract myself. I didn’t want to relive that date right now. Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it. I gulped down a huge sip.
“If you go on time to a date you look desperate. Come on guys, help me out here.”
Liz snored.
“I think it’s great that Ash is taking some time off from the dating scene,” Madison said. “She needs time for just us girls right now. We don’t need men to be happy.”
I laughed. Madison had always thought Joe was an ass, and he always thought that she had a big lesbian crush on me - his words, not mine.
The fact that she loved watching the Yankees and talking about the players’ hot little butts did not influence his opinion of her.
Because she’d never had a boyfriend. And she had a penchant for making penis mutilation jokes.
Either way, she was my friend. She had been since before I ever met Joe.
And now I needed everything pre-Joe more than ever.
“You’re seriously not going to sign up?” Chastity asked.
I shook my head. I didn’t need to date right now. I had my stalker. The last thing I needed was for him to get jealous. He was probably crazy, after all.
“Well there goes that plan. I was definitely going to have you sign up for a dating app tonight. But fine. Onto more important matters. Let’s discuss the Single Girl Rules instead, because there have been a few modifications since the last time you were single.”
“We’re 28 years old. We’re not following those silly rules anymore.” God, the things she’d tried to make me do in college with those damned rules. I’d even almost gotten arrested one time thanks to her.
“Here’s your official membership card.” She handed me a little credit card that said SINGLE GIRL RULES at the top and then had dozens of rules broken into various sections. First were the 10 commandments:
1. Boys are replaceable. Friends are forever.
2. Girls’ night is every Friday. No exceptions.
3. Never let a friend go into a bathroom alone.
4. You can never have too many shoes.
5. Have wine in your purse at all times.
I stopped reading at #5. “Chastity, how many times do I have to tell you that you have to get rid of rule #5? Having a flask of wine in my purse almost got me arrested!”
“I didn’t make up the rules.”
I laughed. “Of course you did.”
“Nope. They’re well-known sacred laws of single ladies all over the world. Ask any single girl.”
“I’d never heard of them before meeting you,” said Madison.
See. But I didn’t have time to protest anymore because there was a loud knock on the door. I threw myself onto the ground. “Not more strippers!” I hissed.
Chastity laughed. “If it is strippers…I didn’t order them. Must have been Madison.”
“I’d never degrade someone like that,” Madison said. “Even if it is a man.”
I rolled my eyes. Was it really degrading someone if they were getting paid? Wait…that didn’t make sense.
“You should answer it,” Chastity said. “It’s probably for you. It is your Divorce Day party, after all.”
Oh God… I got up off the floor and hesitantly peered out the peephole.
There were no strippers. Just an empty hallway.
Weird. I opened the door and looked down the hall just in time to catch the sight of a well-built FedEx man stepping onto the elevator.
He hadn’t left any packages - just a little black envelope about the size of an iPhone.
“Who was it?” asked Chastity.
“FedEx guy. He left this.” I held up the envelope for them to see.
It felt more like silk than paper, complete with black lace detailing and gold trim.
The back was sealed with a runic symbol pressed into gold wax.
“Well this is fancy,” I muttered. Please be cash.
Please be cash. I knew I was starting my new job next week, but I could really use the money before my first paycheck came in.
“Open it!” yelled Chastity.
I broke the seal and pulled out the contents - a single piece of thick white parchment. I read the message out loud:
Congratulations! You have been nominated to become a member of the Society. To join, please fill out this form in its entirety and mail it to PO Box 157.
Below that, there was only one question:
What is your first wish?
The Society? What the heck is this?
Chastity gasped. “No. Freaking. Way.”