Stalker Problems - Chapter 13 - #HorseFacts
Seeing the envelope made my stomach churn with a combination of nerves and excitement. Or maybe that cheeseburger was just coming back to haunt me. Greasy food didn't always agree with me.
"It sounds like this Frankie fellow is going to take me to some grimy apartment and try to get in my pants."
"Ohhh, hot. He'll probably offer you a few months' rent if you blow him. #WorthIt."
"I won't need to. Not when I walk in armed with a suitcase full of Monopoly money. The joke’s on him."
Chastity gave me an exaggerated frown. "Boo. Where's the fun in that?"
"Don't blame me. The Society should have paid more attention in Econ 101. Currency must be scarce."
"In their defense, they probably didn't think anyone would be crazy enough to buy this many copies of Monopoly. What are you gonna wear?"
"Nothing."
"Wow, bold move."
I laughed. "I didn't mean I'm going nude. I meant I'm not going at all."
"What? Why?"
"So many reasons." I held up a finger. "One, my vow of reclusivity.
" I held up another. "Two, getting raped by Frankie does not appeal to me.
Or worse, I might rape him." I shivered at the thought of what I had done to Dr. Lyons.
I held up a third finger. "And finally, I have my first day of work tomorrow.
I'll go to spin class with you, but I'm coming home immediately after.
" I still wasn't entirely convinced that I would terminate my contract, but I definitely couldn't go tonight.
Not the night before my first day of work.
"Why do you need to be home early? You hardly ever sleep."
"Who said anything about sleep? I was just planning on sitting here all night mentally preparing myself to interact with humans. And to wear pants. And a bra." Going back to work is going to be the worst.
"And that's exactly why you need to go meet Frankie. It'll get your mind off things. You're going to make yourself sick if you sit here all night stressing."
Sick?! Being sick in general was terrifying.
Being sick on a workday was even worse. But being sick and missing the first day of work?
I couldn't even fathom it. I had kept a perfect attendance record throughout all of high school.
Well, almost. One time I felt awful but went to school anyway.
Before the first bell rang, my homeroom teacher sent me to the nurses because I looked so pale.
I made it about ten steps into the hallway before I barfed into my hands and all over the floor.
Needless to say, I was not allowed to stay.
"You look like you're actually considering my point."
"I was. But I decided you're wrong. I'll be nervous all night, but I won't actually be sick. No bacteria or viruses can get me in here. But if I go out tonight..."
"What happened to the enthusiasm you had for the Society when you tried to seduce Dr. Lyons?"
"That's kind of the point. What if I try to seduce Frankie too?” I still had no idea what had come over me. Dr. Lyons was just a poor innocent bystander. “I've already proven I can't control myself." I was a menace to society.
"Yes you can. But the wonderful thing is that you won't have to. Frankie is clearly a part of the Society. You've read through all the rules. You know how it works now. The black envelope came, just like it was supposed to. This is definitely a wish."
"Yeah, it came. And I slipped on it. I can't even receive mail without making a fool of myself. If I'm not careful, I'm going to be known as the clumsy redheaded rapist. Now, would you help me off my ass?"
Chastity grabbed my arm and helped me up, but halfway through her face lit up and she dropped me. "That's it!" she said.
Ow. "I have no idea what you're about to say, but I don't think I'm going to like it."
“I remember everything.”
“What?”
“I must not have blacked out completely. Maybe I grayed out. Either way, I remember everything about Raven Black now.”
Oh wow. “We found her?” I really was a good stalker. Crap, did this mean I had to hand over my membership to her? Because now that I couldn’t be part of the Society I for sure wanted to be. Damn reverse psychology!
“No, silly,” said Chastity. “It’s you. You’re Raven Black.
Right before you signed the contract there was this little paragraph about what you wanted to be called.
You could go with your real name, stick with the randomly assigned name Raven Black, or choose a new one.
You went with Raven Black and decided to wear a disguise. ”
“Really?” I definitely didn’t remember that. “So the invitation really was for me?”
“Yeah. Oh! The wig! We must have gotten it as a disguise. It's perfect. By day, you'll be innocent little redheaded Ashley Cooper. But by night, you'll be Raven Black, the raven-haired seductress."
Interesting. If I wore the wig, I’d be unrecognizable.
I could do whatever I wanted and not get in trouble.
Well…not everything. I’d still have to learn how to stop inappropriately touching men.
"Somehow I actually don't hate that idea." Raven Black really did have a nice ring to it. And whatever awkward things I did as her wouldn’t matter. Because no one would know it was me. I started smiling. This was the perfect situation for me. Incident #1 and #2 started to fade away. Raven Black hadn’t done those things. She wasn’t awkward. She was so smooth.
"It'll be like Clark Kent and Superman,” said Chastity. “Only in this case, Superman really loves dick. #NotHisKryptonite."
"And now you're making it weird."
"Okay, okay. Fine. Superman is only moderately interested in dick. And thanks to the rape protection in his contract with the sex club, he doesn't have to get any dick he doesn't want."
Every word that came out of her mouth made me less interested. But she did have a point. While the terms and conditions encouraged sexual contact, clause 49c did explicitly ban rape. "I'll consider it if you promise to never talk about Superman wanting dick again."
"Works for me. Where's your phone? You need to accept the invitation before Frankie gets booked for someone else."
I got up and grabbed my phone off the coffee table. Then I logged into the app. Not to necessarily accept the invitation, but I at least wanted to see if there was more information. The home screen popped up. There were two buttons at the bottom: View Preferences, and RSVP.
I was about to click on RSVP when Chastity said, "Oh! Let's fill out your preferences real quick."
"That's probably not necessary..."
She reached over and clicked the View Preferences button. The preferences form popped up with all the answers filled in.
"Weird. It looks like it comes pre-filled." My voice cracked halfway through.
"Oh my God. You already filled it out!"
"Did not." How did she know?! It was like she could read my lying soul.
She stared at me.
"It probably just prefilled with the most common features of their members. I guess Frankie is going to be a white 6'2 male with brown hair, an athletic build, and a nine-inch penis."
"Do you know what percent of the population is white, 6'2, with brown hair and an athletic build?"
"Half?" I suggested.
"Definitely less than one percent. Finding a single guy like that is like finding a unicorn. And finding such a man with a nine-inch dick? That's like finding a unicorn with a nine-inch dick."
"Wow, vivid imagery there. But I feel like nine inches might actually be fairly common for an animal in the Equus genus. Maybe even a bit small. #HorseFacts."
Chastity laughed. "You never use hashtags right. They’re for sass.
Not horse facts. But fair point. Anyway, that perfect specimen of a man you just described is super rare.
There's no way that's what the Society's average member looks like.
Not even Berbers are that well hung, much less white New Yorkers. " She stared at me expectantly.
Really, how did she always know I was lying?
I must not have had a good poker face. Or maybe it was because I always got all fidgety when I was lying.
I scratched under my chin like a weirdo.
Damn it, I was doing it right now! "Fine!
I filled it out. Is that so wrong? What did you expect me to do when I was here all weekend having sex dreams about FedEx men? You would have filled it out too."
"Sex dreams about FedEx men? Ow, ow! We'll circle back to that later, but first I want to talk about how you want a nine-inch dick. I'm impressed. And a little surprised. That's a lot of meat for such a little girl."
I could feel my face turning bright red. "I didn't think you could say anything grosser than your gay Superman metaphor, but that takes the cake. Well done."
"Seriously...what made you say nine inches? Was Joe packing way more than you let on? I thought you said..." Chastity held up her pinky finger and wiggled it around.
"That's about right. And I dunno why I said nine. It just felt like a nice round number."
"Do you have any idea how big that is?"
I pressed my lips together. I mean, I had a pretty good idea. That was why I’d selected it. And I was very excited about my decision. "Normal sized?"
Chastity walked over and grabbed my can of ginger ale. "Picture this as a penis."
"Ew. Why is it so short and thick?"
"Because it's only half the penis." She grabbed another can and stacked it on top. "That's more like it."
"It's still so thick."
"The proper term is girthy. And yes, that's what happens. As they get longer, they also get girthier."
There's no way that would fit in me. Oh God, what have I done? "I think I made a mistake." I quickly changed my penis size preference to two inches.
"Only two?” she said through her laughter. “You overcorrected a bit. How about we settle somewhere in the middle. Try six or seven."
"What beverage would that be comparable to? A water bottle? Or...?"
"It's normal. Just say six. You'll like that. That's nice and average."