Stalker Problems - Chapter 30 - Tanner’s Secret
When I left Tanner’s office I had a text message from Chastity: “Mason sent us home early. Meet at your place?”
Ten minutes later, I found Chastity sitting in the hallway outside my apartment.
“So did you get him to sign?” she asked as I unlocked the door.
“Yeah.”
“Yeah?” She jumped up. “So it’s a done deal?”
“Well, kinda.” I almost screamed when I saw all the boxes that still filled my apartment. I kind of thought they had just been part of some weird dream. I tossed my purse on the floor and kicked my heels off. “Actually, now that I think about it, he never said he would sign with us.”
“You’re gonna have to give me more than that.”
“I stormed into his office. I found the Society app on his phone. We hooked up on his desk. He pulled back, pretended to be a born-again virgin, and then told me a Mexican cartel would kill me if we were together.”
“Whoa, what?”
“And then I told him I wasn’t interested in him and demanded he sign with BIMG.”
Chastity stared at me like I was crazy. “And then…?”
“Oh, then I stormed out. It was epic. I even tossed a case of cupcakes into the trash on my way out.” Remembering the satisfying squish of the cupcakes going into the trash made me smile.
“Wow, that’s…a lot.”
“It was awesome.”
Chastity plopped down in the one chair in my apartment not buried under a stack of FedEx boxes. This was an interesting test to see which she liked more: Odegaards or juicy gossip. So far, juicy gossip was winning. “So just to clarify…he banged you on his desk?”
“What? No. We just kissed. And why are you focused on that instead of the Mexican cartel that wants to dissolve my body in a vat of acid? #AcidDeath.”
“No. You’re still using hashtags wrong. Don’t use them for morbid things like that. They’re supposed to be fun. Like #JustBangedMyBoss.”
Damn it, I’d been using them in my head so well recently! Why did I always mess them up when I said them out loud?
“And I thought they just wanted to kill you normally?” added Chastity.
“Well Tanner didn’t specify the exact method of murder. But I’m just assuming they’d be professional about it.”
“Why doesn’t he just pay them to go away?” asked Chastity.
“I asked that too. He said that they don’t care about money.”
“A Mexican cartel that doesn’t care about money? And they weren’t even going to dissolve you in acid? That hardly sounds like a cartel.”
I nodded and gently moved a few boxes off the couch. “Yeah, you’re right. I should have known he was still lying. Where is Madison? I could really use some of her anti-man rhetoric right now. They’re such lying asshatteries.”
Chastity raised an eyebrow.
“You know. Like…a shop where ass hats are sold. It’s a few degrees worse than being an ass hat.”
“Oh.”
“It’s a devastating insult. Tanner was devastated when I called him that.” Fine, I didn’t actually call him that. But if I had, he would have been destroyed.
Chastity nodded. Clearly she wasn’t getting it.
“Imagine a hat store, but all the hats are made of asses… You know what? Forget it. Did you see all these Odegaards?!” I gestured to all the FedEx boxes.
The ones Tanner had sent me as an apology for running away during our make-out sesh.
Or for getting me kicked out of the Society.
Or for getting me almost fired from my new job.
“First, this is freaking amazing. I’m supes jeals (super jealous, for those of you that don’t speak Chastity). Second, were all these shoes an apology for walking out on your kiss last night, or for ruining our lives today?”
“That is an excellent question.” I bit the inside of my lip as I thought about it. “I think both?” Although, he may not have known I’d get almost fired. And he certainly couldn’t have known about the Society thing. Unless he’d been the one who reported me…
Chastity picked up a box and cut the tape with her terrifying fake nails. “That’s what I’m thinking too. In that case, don’t half of them belong to me since he was getting me fired too?”
I stared at her. “Aren’t your feet like two sizes bigger than mine?”
“I don’t care what size they are.” She ever so gently removed a pair of Odegaards from the box and cradled them like a baby. “If I have to cut off my toes to make them fit, I’ll do it.”
“That’s one way to keep the foot freaks away.”
“Speaking of foot freaks, have you heard anything new from Dr. Lyons about your date tomorrow night?”
I laughed. “I hate that segue for so many different reasons. But no, I haven’t.”
“Well, you’ll certainly be going in style. Which Odegaards are you gonna wear?” Chastity picked up another shoebox. “Oh my God, did he send you the new Medusas?”
“I dunno. I only got to look at a few pairs before work.”
“You mean we’re sitting in a room with dozens of mystery Odegaards? The fashion police would stick us in a vat of acid for that.” She grabbed a pair of scissors and got to work opening the boxes.
“You’re confusing the fashion police with the cartel that wants to kill me.”
Chastity shook her head. “I’m calling BS on that cartel story. Give me a sec...” She pulled out her phone and started typing furiously.
“Please tell me you’re not texting Tanner.”
“Nope. It was Dexter.”
“That name means nothing to me.”
“He’s an IT guy at BIMG. I played D&D with him and some friends after work one day, so he owes me one.”
“You played D&D?” I really could not picture that.
“Yeah. It wasn’t too bad. Did you know there’s a spell that makes your shirt disappear?”
That didn’t sound right. “Your character’s shirt, or yours?”
“Well, both.”
Oh sweet, simple Chastity . “I don’t know anything about D&D, but those pervs definitely just wanted to see your boobs.”
“I knew it seemed suspicious!” She glanced at her phone. “Dexter says that there’s no cartel chatter about Tanner.”
“What about the mafia?”
After a few more texts Chastity shook her head. “Nope. Apparently there’s no chatter about him at all. Not from the mafia. Not from the Russians. And not from anyone else.”
“You trust this Dexter guy?”
“Yup. He wouldn’t dare lie to me.”
He lied to you about that disappearing shirt spell.
“Alright, so let’s assume all the usual suspects are out.
How else do we explain his weird behavior?
” And the more I thought of it, the more I realized just how strange Tanner was.
One of the first things he’d ever said to me was something about a bedchamber.
And then all those old movies he referenced. And that thing about the Gestapo.
“I don’t know. But I intend to figure it out.” Chastity grabbed another box. “But I can’t think until I know what Odegaards you have in these boxes.”
***
We stepped back and looked at all the shoes. They were magnificent.
“So which are your favorites?” asked Chastity.
“Hmm…maybe the Medusas.” They were ridiculous in so many ways - the white and green snakeskin, the thigh-high cut, the ridiculously tall heels - but I kind of loved them. It was a shame I’d never have the confidence to wear them.
“Solid choice. But I thought for sure you were gonna choose these.” She pointed to a pair of classy 6” black lace stilettos. “The real question, though, is what the hell is up with those weird elf shoes?”
I picked up one of the white heels with the curly toe. “Yeah, I dunno. Ryder really liked these ones though. They were the first ones he tried to get me to try on at the store.” Another weird thing to add to the list of weird things about Tanner.
“Interesting.” Chastity stroked her chin. “Very interesting.”
“You look like you just figured something out.”
She stopped stroking her chin and smiled. “Yup. There’s only one explanation. He’s an elf.”
“Say what now?”
“He’s an elf,” said Chastity with 100% certainty. “Just hear me out. He must have run away from the North Pole. And now he’s being hunted by Santa.”
I laughed. Santa would never hunt. He was…Santa.
“I’m serious! Think about it. It all fits. It explains his elf-shoe fetish. And why he can’t just pay his enemies off. Everyone knows Santa doesn’t take bribes.”
“Unless the bribe is milk and cookies.” I glanced at the two empty wine bottles on the coffee table. Chastity had insisted that we drink while we opened the rest of the boxes. “How much have you had to drink?”
Chastity took another sip from her wine glass.
“Not much. Why? You want more?” She picked up one of the empty bottles and shook it furiously to get every last drop out.
Before I could answer, her face lit up again.
“Oh! I have an idea. As an elf, Tanner must know that you write letters to Santa every year. What if you write an early letter this year asking for an engagement ring from Tanner. Then he’d propose, and his cover would be blown. We’d know he’s…”
She’s so drunk. And then I remembered something. “I actually did tell him about my letters to Santa.” Didn’t I? I thought I had, but we’d talked about so much that first night that the whole conversation was kind of a blur.
“And who brought up letters to Santa first?”
“I think I did. Maybe he did. Gah! I can’t remember.
” I took another sip of wine to try to clear my head.
Was it really possible that he was a runaway Christmas elf?
Of course it wasn’t! That would be crazy.
Then again, I had thought the same thing about my invitation to the Society, but that had turned out to be quite real.
And I was kind of dating a billionaire. Since when did my life get so crazy?
“Well there you go.” Chastity tipped the now empty bottle of wine towards me. “He’s a Christmas elf. It’s settled.”
“It’s a fun idea, but you’re crazy. He’s probably just in the mafia or something.
Or pissed off the mafia. The police can’t help him because the mob paid them off.
And it would explain why he can’t buy his way out of trouble.
If he crossed them, they’d have to retaliate to send a message. Otherwise they’d look weak.”