Stalker Problems - Chapter 48 - My Third Wish
“Name your price,” said Rutherford with a little lick of his lips. I’d never seen someone so eager to lick a pizza.
How can I word this? I wanted to give him as little information as possible.
I knew he licked pizzas, but it was entirely possible he’d love to lick all of my shiny new clothes too if he knew they existed.
“I need to know if you’ve seen any construction workers in this building recently.
Specifically on my floor and the floor above us.
And the one above that.” I still couldn’t believe my closet had three stories.
He furrowed his brow, almost enough to knock his busted glasses right off his face.
“Let’s see…there were those guys repairing the pothole on the corner.
I’m glad they’re done. Those perverts kept wolf-whistling at me whenever I opened the door for a beautiful woman.
Apparently seeing a gentleman in action really revved their engines, if you know what I mean. ”
“Are you sure they were whistling at you?” I asked. Pretty sure it was probably more about the women…
Rutherford nodded. “Um, have you seen this new pair of skinny jeans that I found on 5 th Avenue a month ago?”
“I have.” But I wish I hadn’t. You can never unsee something like that.
“We’re getting a little off topic here,” said Chastity.
“Listen, Rutherford. Ash’s smoking hot billionaire boyfriend turned her neighbor’s apartment into a three-story closet filled with millions of dollars’ worth of designer clothes, and we need to know how he did it.
So did you see any construction workers in the building or not? ”
No! Bad Chastity! Don’t tell him all that!
Rutherford stared at her. “Billionaire boyfriend? Three-story closet? Hasn’t anyone ever told you that it’s insensitive to brag about such things to someone who lives in a cardboard box?”
I forced a laugh. “Chastity just has a weird sense of humor. I don’t actually have a three-story closet. But someone did do some unexpected construction work in my apartment without me knowing.”
“Mhm. Sure.” Rutherford did not sound convinced. “I’m afraid I can’t be much help, though. Because I didn’t see any construction workers in the building recently.”
“Are you sure?” I asked. “How is that possible?”
He shrugged. “It’s not like I keep a constant watch. I’m a homeless man, not a security guard.”
“What about last Thursday?”
“Let me check my planner.” Rutherford pulled out a very worn-looking Playboy magazine and leafed to a random page.
“Last Thursday I was dumpster diving at the Gochujang Palace, of course. Everyone knows that’s the day they throw out all their unused shrimp.
” He put his fingers to his lips and gave a chef’s kiss. “Delizioso!”
I suppressed a gag. “Dude, Thursday is exactly the day I was wondering about. Give me my pizza back!”
“That wasn’t part of the deal.” He opened up the pizza box and licked all of it. Every inch. Then he sashayed away down the hall. “Ciao!”
“Damn it. Rutherford is the worst. And when did he get so Italian?”
“No idea,” said Chastity. “I know he said he isn’t here all the time, but he’s here an awful lot.
What are the odds of Tanner being able to build such a massive closet without Rutherford or either of us seeing any construction workers?
Or for that matter…how did we not hear them?
They were doing renovations four floors above me a few months ago and it was the most annoying freaking thing in the world. ”
“Yeah, it just doesn’t make any sense.” I walked into my apartment and flopped down on the couch.
“I told you it was vampire magic!”
“Since when can vampires silently construct the world’s biggest closet? That was nowhere in the literature.”
“Do you have a better explanation?” Chastity’s phone buzzed before I could answer. “Oh! Tanner has an incoming call.” She hit a few buttons and then Tanner’s phone call was playing through her speakers.
“We’ve got a problem,” said a deadpan voice. Marty the PI. I’d recognize his voice anywhere.
“Talk to me,” said Tanner.
“Your email has been compromised.”
“Impossible.”
“Then how do you explain your email being accessed by two different IP addresses this morning?”
“Maybe I left it open on my laptop?”
“Nope. The second IP was masked with some pretty sophisticated code. It was definitely malicious.”
“Shit. Do you think it’s dodo?” Tanner suddenly sounded very nervous. I’d never heard him like that before.
Dodo?
“Could be. Either way, you need to trash your phone and laptop ASAP. And any other device you’ve used to access your email in the last 24 hours.”
“Got it. Thanks for the heads up.” Tanner’s words were followed by a splash, a loud cracking noise, and then silence.
“Did he just throw his phone in a puddle and stomp on it?” I asked.
Chastity turned her phone towards me. Dexter’s app displayed a big error message: CONNECTION LOST. “Yup.”
“Well…at least we got a name of who he’s afraid of. Dodo.”
“Like the extinct bird? Or like…two female deer?”
“He said it like it was all one word. Let’s assume for a moment that he doesn’t have an irrational fear of extinct birds.
That means dodo must be…an organization?
Or an acronym?” I opened Google and searched for dodo.
The first result was TheDodo.com. From what I could tell it featured a bunch of cute animals and encouraged pet adoptions.
“Aw, they’re so cute. I’ve always wanted to get a little dog that I could carry around in my purse. Wouldn’t that be perfect for me?”
“Only if you want your entire apartment to be covered in hair. #SatanStalin.” I shuddered.
“Um…what did you just say?” asked Chastity.
“#SatanStalin. Because dogs are the offspring of Satan and Stalin.”
“No they aren’t. They’re poofy little adorable things.”
“Agree to disagree. Because I’m right and you’re a fascist.” Or a communist?
I really needed to brush up on my World War 2 history.
“Anyway, let’s try to stay focused. Is Tanner scared of the people who own this site?
” A video of a kitten drinking from a baby bottle popped up on the homepage.
“I’m not really getting murderous cartel vibes here. ”
“I don’t know,” said Chastity. “Animal rights people can get nasty. Maybe Tanner got caught wearing fur? Ohhh! Or maybe he’s a big game hunter.”
“Those are definitely weird rich person things to do. But I don’t think that’s it.
That wouldn’t create an unpayable debt. He could make those people happy by giving PETA a big donation.
Or by posing nude for one of their ad campaigns.
” A wonderful image popped into my head. I shook my head and tried to focus.
“I agree. I don’t think animal activists are the ones he’s afraid of. And Tanner doesn’t seem like a hunter. The only big game I could see him hunting is cougars. Winky face.” Chastity laughed at her own joke.
What the hell? Really…what did she mean by that? Had she seen Tanner hanging out with a bunch of old ladies recently or something? Before I could ask, Chastity composed herself and started talking again.
“What else comes up for dodo? Maybe it’s an acronym?”
“Let’s see…” I added acronym to my search and three possibilities came up. “Dealer Owned Dealer Operated. Apparently referring specifically to the petroleum industry?”
“Nope. Next.”
“Director of Digital Operations.”
Chastity shook her head.
“And finally, Dad of Daughters Only.”
“That’s it?”
“Yup. I kind of like that last one. The idea of Tanner pissing off a girl-dad is kind of hilarious.”
“Wait…what if that’s it?!”
I laughed. But Chastity didn’t. “Wait, are you serious?” I asked.
“Yes. Think about it. Tanner is part of a sex club. What if he fucked some dude’s daughter? Or all of his daughters. Maybe even all at the same time. That could potentially piss a guy off enough for him to accept nothing less than revenge.”
“Holy shit. I think you’re right!” That little man-slut!
“The best part is that this is so easy to fix. Once we find out whose daughter he banged, you can just pretend to be Tanner’s daughter and let the guy revenge-bang you. And then you and Tanner can live happily ever after.”
“Oh right. Since Tanner would totally be cool with me banging someone else.”
“Did you learn nothing from those videos I gave you?”
“The porn?”
“Yes! Specifically the ones where the wives paid off their husbands’ gambling debts by fucking on camera? The husbands were always so appreciative.”
“Now I have to film it too?!” This plan just keeps getting worse and worse. “I just got rid of one sex tape. I’m not going to make another!”
“That part is probably negotiable,” said Chastity. “I guess it really depends on if Tanner made a sex tape with the dude’s daughter…”
A knock at the door interrupted our conversation.
“You expecting company?” asked Chastity.
“Nope.”
“Oh! It’s probably a date card!” Chastity ran to the door.
I was right behind her. Society date tonight with Tanner?! Yes!
Chastity squealed with excitement. “It’s an envelope!”
It was. But it was blue rather than black. And it was a little bigger than the Society invitations usually were.
Chastity tore into it and pulled out another envelope. This one had a message scrawled on the front:
Ash,
If I disappear, open this envelope.
-Tanner
He’d sent me a just-in-case note? I blinked fast to make sure I wouldn’t start crying. I’d told him how much I wished Rosalie had left a note behind. And he remembered.
“Wow,” said Chastity. “The idea of dodo tapping Tanner’s phone really has him shook.”
“Yeah, good thing it was just us though. So he has nothing to worry about. Either way…this is like, the cutest thing ever.”
“Him being afraid is cute?”
“No. Him giving me this note is cute. The other day I told him that I always wished Rosalie would have left me a note. So when he thought he might be in danger…he sent me a note.”
“You’re right. That’s adorable. And depending on what it says inside, it might be even more adorable.” Chastity ripped the second envelope open and pulled out the note.
“What are you doing?! We weren’t supposed to open it unless he disappears.”
“So?”
“So now if he disappears I’ll think it’s our fault! It’s like we’re telling the universe we want him to disappear.”
Chastity scrunched her face up. “Uh, yeah. I don’t think that’s how anything works. I bet he’s gonna tell you he loves you.”
“Really?!” I grabbed it out of her hands and started reading.
Ash,
If you’re reading this, then things have gotten too dangerous for me to stay in New York. I can’t tell you where I’m going. Or when I’ll be back. But I promise that I’m safe.
Yours,
-Tanner
P.S. Go to Club Onyx. That’s where you’ll find what you’re looking for.
I stared at the note. “I’m confused. Is this just a really silly way of telling me that if he has to hide, he’s gonna hide at Club Onyx?”
“It would appear so. Or at least someone at Club Onyx will know where he is. Which means I was right all along about being able to find his secrets there!”
“I have to admit, I was skeptical. But you were right all along.”
“Yeah I was! Ah! We’re so close to cracking this whole mystery wide open! I can practically taste it. Although I am slightly disappointed that this wasn’t a Society date card. I was so curious to see what they’d come up with next.”
“Speaking of the Society… I still have one more wish.”
“Well I know what we have to wish for.”
“Yup. Glad we’re on the same page.” This was a no-brainer. The Society needed to step in and fix whatever problems Tanner had caused by banging some dude’s daughter. I opened the Society app and clicked on the genie lamp logo. A prompt appeared:
You have three wishes. What is your third wish?
“How should I word this?”
“Hmm…” Chastity tapped her finger against her lips. “You know, I always think better with wine.”
“Good idea.” I jumped up and went to grab some wine out of my fridge. “Here’s to the two best detectives in town,” I said. Chastity and I clanked glasses.
“And to us finally getting into Club Onyx.” She took a giant gulp.
“Hear, hear! So how should we word this?”
“I think I have an idea. Can I take a stab at it?”
“Do it.” I handed her my phone and downed some wine.
She tapped out a wish with her thumbs. I gave her a second and then got up so I could read over her shoulder. But all I could see was a message saying Thank you for submitting your wish.
“You hit submit already?!”
“Yeah. You told me to do it.”
“To draft it! Not submit it.”
“Oh. Well lucky for you, I worded it perfectly.”
“Are you sure?” I was borderline freaking out. Genie wishes were notorious for getting twisted in horrible ways. Combine that with the Society being a sex club, and there was a high likelihood that a poorly worded wish would lead to a gangbang or something. “What exactly did you type?”
“I wish for me and my best friend, Chastity Morgan, to have access to Club Onyx,” recited Chastity.
I stared at her. “Very funny. What did you really type?”
“That was it. Shit. Should I have switched the order that I listed us? I know it’s not technically correct to say me and , but the other way just felt a little clunky.”
“Chastity. What the actual hell?! Why would you wish for that?”
“Uh…what else would I have wished for? All of Tanner’s secrets are at Club Onyx. Thus, we need access. You even said we were on the same page.”
“Because I thought we were! Clearly we needed to wish for Tanner to be safe.” Damn it, Chastity!
“Huh, I never thought of that.” She cringed a little. “That’s my bad.”
“You’re damn right it’s your bad! If something happens to Tanner now…”
“For what it’s worth, I actually do think this is a better wish. Tanner is part of the Society. If they could solve his problems, he would have wished for their help already.”
Huh. I hadn’t thought of that. “You have a point. But I’m still mad at you. From now on, no more submitting wishes for me. Got it?”
“Yeah. I promise, I’ll do whatever I can to help keep Tanner safe.”
“Does that mean you’ll let Tanner’s former lover’s dad revenge-bang you instead of me?”
“Absolutely. I bet he’s quite the silver fox.”
Thank God. I didn’t know when we’d get access to Club Onyx, but in the meantime I could try to get Tanner to spill the beans about whose daughter he’d banged.
There was only one problem: Tanner didn’t show up for work the next morning.