Stalker Problems - Chapter 50 - Matthew Freaking Caldwell
I tried my best to stall. I looked around the dark tunnel he’d pulled me into. But there was nothing to throw or anything. The fire extinguisher in my purse was calling to me. I could just grab it and spray it everywhere as a diversion… “Ash, how do you know about DODO?” he asked again.
Fuck everything. The lie was tearing me up inside.
And making my outside sweat profusely. I couldn’t hold it in any longer!
“Because I was the one who tapped your phone. It was all me. And I’d do it again because clearly I’ve lost my mind and your stalkery ways have rubbed off on me.
I saw everything. I heard everything. Including your call with Marty. ”
“Are you serious!?” said Tanner. He was practically screaming. But not in an angry way. He kind of seemed overjoyed.
“Yes?” This felt like a trap.
He grabbed my face and kissed me. God, I loved the taste of his lips on mine. And it was refreshing to smell his blueberry skin rather than the pungent stench of the Manhattan Menagerie.
“Jesus, Ash. Next time you want to betray my trust and rifle through all of my personal documents, just ask. Do you have any idea how freaked out I’ve been since I got that phone call from Marty?
I couldn’t sleep at all last night. And I’ve been looking over my shoulder all day expecting someone to pop out of a van and shove a bag over my head.
That was how it happened with old Herbert.
Those bastards nabbed him right outside of his Upper East Side apartment just last year. ”
“Is he okay?”
“No he’s not okay! No one has seen or heard from him since.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay. He was more of an acquaintance, really. But knowing that they grabbed him so close to here definitely made me nervous.”
“I still don’t understand why you can’t just pay them off. And what does DODO even stand for?”
“The less you know, the safer you are. I’ve already told you too much. Just know that I’m doing everything in my power to get them off my back.”
“But…”
“Do you trust me?”
I wanted to. But I barely knew anything about him.
I searched his eyes. He looked so sincere.
“Maybe.” Probably. Yes. It was stupid, but I did.
Tanner had done nothing but lie to me ever since I’d met him.
And yet…he also protected me and did a bunch of sweet stuff too.
Clearly he was actually in danger. I’d almost given him a heart attack by making him think I was a DODO agent.
“Well you should. Because these monkeys would be perfect for the party.”
Wait, what?
He pointed to the monkeys that had stealthily surrounded us while we’d been talking. They were each like three feet tall and absolutely adorable. But they had nothing to do with DODO. Was Tanner high?
“Huh?” I asked.
Tanner nodded his head towards Claude approaching.
Ah, gotcha. “Okay, I trust you,” I said.
Hopefully I played along quick enough so that Claude didn’t realize we had been talking about something else.
Is Claude really a DODO agent? And just like that, Tanner had added another fear to my list. I just had to decide if I was more scared of being nabbed by DODO or having a centipede crawl up my leg.
“I’ll agree to get the monkeys on one condition,” I added to really sell our change of topic.
“Name it,” said Tanner.
“We have to get at least two dozen of them. And they have to all wear little space helmets.” The image just popped into my head.
And as soon as it did, I knew it had to happen.
It was so perfect. If this party didn’t go viral, I’d willingly turn myself over to DODO and let them melt me in a vat of acid.
“Did you just come up with that right now?” asked Tanner.
“Yup.”
“Wow, you’re a genius. That’s why I’m paying you the big bucks.”
“BIMG actually takes most of my billable hours for themselves. But I appreciate the compliment.”
Tanner turned to Claude. “Do you have two dozen of these little guys?”
“I actually have three dozen.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” said Tanner. “Can you imagine three dozen monkeys dancing around the yacht? This is going to be a classy event, not some seedy backroom freak show.”
“Of course,” said Claude. “My mistake. I take it you’ll supply the cages?”
Tanner threw his arm around Claude and pulled him into a hug. “Ah, Claude. You know me too well. Of course I’ll supply the cages.”
Why does Tanner have so many cages? Is it a sex thing? It sure seemed like it was.
“Should I draw up the paperwork?” asked Claude.
“Yes please,” said Tanner. “Ash, why don’t you go ahead and take the rest of the night off? You’ve earned it with this monkey idea.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah. I’ll finish up here. You can go tell Chastity all about the monkeys before she does something she shouldn’t.”
“Huh? Oh, right. Gotcha.” Monkeys was code for DODO. Yeah, it was probably a good idea to call her off before she tried to blow someone for information or something.
“Want me to call Nigel to take you home?”
It was tempting, but I just couldn’t accept.
When my apartment was only a few blocks away it felt wrong to call Nigel.
Surely the little man had better things to do on a Wednesday evening.
Although…he had shown up at my apartment at a moment’s notice with cookies just because Tanner asked him to.
That was a little too eager to serve if you asked me.
Nigel was up to something shady. I’d walk, thank you very much.
Besides, a short walk would help me process all this new information. Especially the bit about DODO making people disappear. Just like Rosalie had.
Was it possible that it had been them who took her?
While I walked home, I tried to replay every conversation I’d had with her in the weeks and months leading up to her disappearance. Had she ever mentioned DODO? I really didn’t think she had. But then again…neither had Tanner until I bugged his phone and forced him to spill the beans.
I’d only made it about half a block before my chest tightened with this intense feeling of dread.
My blouse was drench in sweat almost immediately.
It was the kind of feeling you’d get when you’re walking down a dark alley and see a bunch of dudes with baseball bats and switchblades approaching.
Or when you’re about to get bagged by DODO? !
Nope. Neither of those things was happening. It was something much worse.
Matthew Caldwell was approaching.
Yes, the Matthew Caldwell. The one that I’d met during the blind date from hell. The one I’d rather die than ever have to see again.
Had he seen me yet? There were two things working in my favor.
First, it was twilight, so my bright red hair might not be quite as obvious as it would have been in broad daylight.
Secondly, and more importantly, Matt was playing on his phone.
So there was still time to avoid an awkward encounter. I just needed to act fast.
I frantically searched for a hiding spot. There were two options: a dumpster, or a bush. Thank God. I’d dumpster dive to avoid Matt any day, but today I didn’t have to. I ran for the bush. But just as I got there, my heel caught between two bricks and sent me tumbling into the bush headfirst.
Ow. It wasn’t the most graceful entry, but it was effective. I moved a few branches around to make sure that I was well hidden.
He was almost past me when he stopped and looked directly at me. No…not directly at me. Just in my general direction. I followed his gaze and realized that my Odegaard had gotten stuck in the sidewalk when I’d tripped.
Damn it!
Matt cocked his head and squinted at my shoe.
Please keep walking. Please keep walking. I will literally die if you find me.
Then he walked towards my shoe.
No! Bad Matt! Abort! Abort! Where was a lake when I needed it?
Why did I think a bush could conceal me?
There’d been a perfectly good dumpster right there and I’d passed on it.
What was wrong with me? I’d been in a dumpster before and it was awful, yes.
I’d had nightmares about it ever since. But sitting in a dumpster was not as awful as Matt spotting me.
This is what I got for taking the easy way out.
Keep walking, Matt! For the love of God keep going!
“Ash?” he said to the bush as he grabbed my shoe. “Is that you?”
I stayed silent. Why would he assume it was me? That was a crazy assumption to make. It could literally be any shoeless woman. Go away!
“Come on, Ash. I saw you jump into the bush.”
“No you didn’t. You were playing on your phone. And who’s Arsh?” God, that name switch was so silky smooth. He would definitely start walking away now. Shoo.
“Arsh isn’t a name. I said Ash. Because that’s your name. And I know you’re hiding in the bush.”
“You’re mistaken, sir. You don’t know me. And I certainly don’t know you.”
“Interesting.” He looked down at my beautiful Odegaard in his hand and carelessly tossed it in the air a few times. “So this isn’t your shoe? You wouldn’t care if I just tossed it across the street?”
He had me right where he wanted me. I stuck my arm out of the bush. “Shoe please.”
“Here you go.”
I snatched it from him. “Thank you, stranger.”
“Any time, Ash. You really don’t have to hide from me. Our date happened ages ago.”
It didn’t feel like ages to me. It felt like it just happened. That fire I started… I cleared my throat. “I’m so sorry, but I have no idea who you’re referring to. The incident never happened.”
“Did you just whisper the incident in a really weird way?”
“No.”
“Is the incident you’re referring to the one where you tried to set my dick on fire?”
“Absolutely not.”
He laughed. “Ash, I’m fine. If you hadn’t run away right after it happened, you would have seen that you only scorched my pants.”
I didn’t respond. I was glad his penis was okay. But it didn’t undo what I’d done. “I don’t know what you’re even referring to. Because I’m not this Ash person you speak of. But she sounds terrible. Now please be gone.”
He sighed. “Alright. But you’re not terrible, Ash. I hope you know that. And you don’t need to jump in lakes and bushes when you see me.”
The dumpster it is then.
He shoved his hands into his pockets. “Okay. I’ll leave you alone. I hope you have a good rest of your day.”
“You too.”
“See you around.” He smiled and walked away.
“Please don’t!” I called after him and peered out of the bush to make sure he was leaving.
He chuckled on his way down the sidewalk but didn’t look back.
Phew. That had been a close call of awkwardness.
But I felt good about how I handled it. I gave myself a solid 8/10 for creativity and execution.
Passing him face to face and having to say hi would have been unbearable.
Would we have shaken hands? Hugged? Bowed?
Or the worst of all - made fake plans to get coffee and “catch up” some time. Just the thought of it gave me chills.
When the coast was clear I crawled out, pulled a few branches out of my hair, and put my Odegaard on. But not in that order. Because obviously I had to put my shoe on first in order to avoid getting sidewalk foot fungus.
I took a deep breath. I was ready to continue my walk home. And I’d already passed Matt, so nothing else bad could happen. I was basically invincible.
I took two steps before someone ran up behind me and pulled a burlap sack over my head.