This Is War - Chapter 21 – Codpieces and Turtlenecks #2
Ocelot led both teams on a short trek into the woods. Our final destinated appeared to be some sort of ropes course – there were nets and ropes and boards nailed into every tree in sight.
Wait a second. Ropes.
“Why are there so many ropes?” I asked Tanner.
“Please tell me the salmon ladder isn’t a BDSM thing.
I’ll freak out if raw salmon starts flying around and I don’t have all my extremities free to dodge.
And aren’t the salmon back by the lake?” The further we got from the lake, the more worried I’d been getting that the salmon would be all sorts of rotten.
The Society trying to get me naked at every possible turn was one thing, but their wanton disregard for food safety was despicable.
“There are no salmon,” said Tanner.
“Then why is it called the salmon ladder?”
“I think it has something to do with the fact that it looks like a fish ladder.”
I stared at him. “You’re saying words, but they have no meaning.” There were definitely salmon involved in this. I wasn’t going to fall for his lies.
“You know…the thing that helps fish swim past a dam?”
I stared at him blankly.
“Just look,” he said, pointing to where Ocelot was standing.
“For the salmon ladder,” said Ocelot, “each team will field two women and three men. The team that climbs the highest total number of rungs wins the event. And if it’s a tie, then whichever team finished faster wins.”
Cole stepped up to the front and tore his shirt off.
My God. I knew he was going to look good shirtless, but damn. Those abs. And those pecs. And those tattoos… I couldn’t decide which I wanted to touch most. But then a horrible thought occurred to me. Why was he stripping!? He should have been putting on a hazmat suit, not getting naked!
As it turned out, no salmon were involved. Instead Cole had to hang from a metal bar as if he was doing a pull-up. But instead of doing a pull-up, he had to somehow jump the bar up to a pair of rungs a foot above him. And then again, and again. Seven times.
It seemed like whoever designed this particular stunt engineered it so that it would make a man look as sexy as humanly possible. I was devastated when he got to the top and stopped.
But Tanner ripping his shirt off to go next softened the blow.
In fact, he looked just as sexy. His muscle was leaner than Cole’s and he didn’t have any tattoos, but that didn’t make him any less delicious.
I actually preferred it. Because as much as I hated Tanner Rhodes, there was a piece of me that still really freaking loved him.
Tanner easily worked his way up to the top of the ladder. I gave him a big high five when he came back to the group.
“Ready to go next?” he asked.
I looked at him like he was crazy. “Hell no. No girl could do that.”
Tanner raised an eyebrow and pointed to the salmon ladder. Chastity had stepped up to go next. It didn’t even look like it took any effort for her to jump her way up to the top. And then she came over and handed me the metal pole.
“How?” I asked.
“It’s easy,” she said. “You just have to engage your core to create a moment of zero gravity. Then you can move the bar to the next rung.”
Huh. “For real? It looks so hard.”
“Na. You got this.” She leaned in and whispered. “And if you play your cards right, maybe you can give the boys an accidental nip slip.” Then she smacked me on the ass to send me on my way up to the ladder.
What?! No! I didn’t want to give anyone an accidental nip slip.
I retied my top to be a little lower and tighter and then jumped up and hooked the bar on the first rung. Just like Chastity had said, it was nice and easy. And I hadn’t even had a nip slip.
Ha! Easy peasy!
Now what came next? I looked up and tried to figure out how I was going to get the bar up to the next rung. I just had to engage my core to create a moment of zero gravity, right?
I tried to do that and… The bar moved about half an inch off the rung and then just fell back to exactly where it had been a second ago.
Minor setback. I adjusted my grip and got ready to try again with more force.
Instead of jumping the bar up to the second rungs, I somehow managed to toss the bar into the forest and rotated backwards, flailing my arms like a mad woman.
I braced myself to flop against the ground, but instead a pair of muscular arms caught me as effortlessly as a Philadelphia firefighter catching a baby.
Tanner looked down at me with his brown eyes. God, he was so handsome. For a second we both just stared at each other. And my eyes may have darted to his lips.
I cleared my throat. “I almost had it!” I said.
“I know you did,” he said. Even though it was a total lie, I still appreciated it. “But maybe next time don’t throw the bar?”
“Good plan.” I reluctantly hopped out of his arms and walked back to my team. I hoped I hadn’t cost us our shot at winning our second event.
Luckily for me, the blue team’s second girl was just as inept as I was. Well…not quite. But she still didn’t get any rungs. And our second girl got four. So we were still within striking distance with two guys per team left.
I wasn’t at all upset to watch the final two guys from the blue team, but Angel really stole the show. Every time he swung to jump up a rung, the outline of his massive cock was quite apparent. His brother Diablo was equally impressive in that area.
But the whole display was kind of ruined when he landed unevenly on the third rung and fell off the ladder. Damn it, Diablo!
That was two events in a row that he had totally sucked at. What was his deal?
I hoped that it was just a fluke, but over the next few events, I really started to see a pattern.
He dropped the baton during the 4x400 relay race.
And then on the water balloon toss he kept popping the balloons.
Granted…he was probably about twice as strong as anyone else there, so it made sense that he’d accidentally apply too much force and pop it.
And it wasn’t total sabotage, because Tanner and I did so well that we still won the event. But still. Suspicious.
Nigel folded his arms across his chest. “I told you that you should have let me do it, Mistress. I wouldn’t have let you down.”
I looked at his tiny little arms. There was no way he could have done it. His arms were skinnier than mine. “I’m sure there will be an event for you soon.”
“But I’m very strong for my size. I’m much bigger in many areas than one might assume.”
I stared at him. What exactly was he saying? I found myself glancing down to the front of his onesie. And…he was definitely filling it out. Really he was stretching out the material. Why am I looking at the naughty bits of Nigel’s workout outfit?!
A slow smile spread across Nigel’s face. And I not so subtly stepped a little farther away from him.
The next event was Codpieces and Turtlenecks, which turned out to be a fashion show for men. I couldn’t quite wrap my head around how the scoring worked, but that didn’t make the event any less entertaining to watch.
The first few guys came out in tight swim trunks. Let’s pretend like they each earned an 8 for having great abs. Who knows? Maybe that really was how the scoring worked.
Then Cole strutted out. His walk was good enough that I wouldn’t have been surprised if he got an invite to model at the next Miami Swim Week. But what I was really focused on was his MASSIVE erection tenting his swim trunks.
Oh my God.
He got to the end of the catwalk and popped his hip out hard . It would have looked super feminine and ridiculous, but with a boner like that, it was no wonder he was confident enough to make it work. He winked at me and tore off his trunks.
I expected him to just be fully nude, but instead he was wearing a little speedo with a huge metal codpiece.
“Oh, what a reveal!” gasped Nigel.
“We have a reveal too, right?” I asked.
Nigel stared at me. “That’s like asking are fax machines the best form of communication? ”
“So…we don’t have a reveal? Damn it, Nigel! You said you had the perfect show planned.”
“I’m confused. I just told you that I did have a reveal planned.”
“No. You compared reveals to fax machines or something.”
“Right. Fax machines are the best form of communication. Ergo we do have a reveal. Two, actually.”
“And a codpiece?”
He made a sassy face.
Is that a yes? I hoped it was a yes. But honestly I was more focused on the fact that Cole’s suit was a thong in the back. I had never seen such a tight, muscular ass. I kind of wanted to jump on stage and squeeze it. He struck one final pose before exiting the catwalk.
Tanner was next. But instead of swim trunks, he appeared to be wearing nothing but an ermine cape that covered his entire torso from his chin to mid-thigh. His walk could only be described as a sashay.
“Work it,” growled Nigel. The violent eroticism of his tone made me deeply uncomfortable.
At the end of the catwalk, Tanner hit a power pose and tore off his cape to reveal…another cape?
“What the hell is happening?” I asked.
“Tanner’s being very extra and you’re just not getting it,” said Nigel.
And then it somehow got even weirder. Because he then tore off that second cape. I kind of expected to see a third, but instead he had on a red mesh turtleneck and a codpiece. I was no codpiece connoisseur, but it was clear that Tanner’s was much more tasteful than Cole’s.
As far as I was concerned, he had earned a perfect 10 for bravery alone. Which meant that as long as our last model didn’t totally blow it, we’d get the victory. I mentally patted myself on the back for finally making the call to sideline Diablo. I was tired of his sabotage.
“Please tell me that’s Angel,” I whispered to Nigel when I saw the tanned man step onto the catwalk in a ski mask and a red speedo. But I had a horrible feeling that it was Diablo.
“It was supposed to be,” said Nigel.
Angel appeared at my side. “It’s definitely not me,” he said. “I’m right here.”
Damn it! Had Diablo seriously forced his way on stage just so he could sabotage us? If his walk didn’t go perfectly, I was going to lose my mind.
I could practically feel the ground shake as he stomped down the catwalk.
It wasn’t funny like all the other guys’ walks had been.
Instead it was super masculine. He was like a warrior marching into battle.
And the way he stretched that speedo… It looked like he was smuggling a soda bottle down the catwalk.
At the end of the catwalk, he stopped, put both hands on his hips, and thrust. I thought for sure the violent motion would tear his speedo, but somehow the elastic hung on for dear life as his soda bottle bounced around.
For the second time today, I found myself thinking back to when I had run away from him and Angel. And what would have happened if I hadn’t. I shifted in my chair and re-crossed my legs. I hadn’t realized it was so hot out today.
It didn’t matter what the judging criteria was. If the goal was to be funny - which I suspected it was - then Tanner’s double cape with the mesh turtleneck definitely won the day. And if the guys were supposed to be sexy, then Diablo had won. No contest.
Or at least…it wouldn’t have been a contest if Diablo hadn’t tripped over his own feet and faceplanted on his was back down the catwalk.
Nigel cursed and jumped up onto the stage. He grabbed Diablo by the waistband of his speedo and angrily dragged him off.
Okay…so maybe Nigel was super strong. Wait. I suddenly remembered how he’d carried Chastity and me both up the stairs to my apartment. I stared at him dragging Diablo off the stage. How was Nigel so strong? It made zero sense.
I almost felt bad for Diablo. Was it possible that he wasn’t sabotaging us and was just the clumsiest beef tower in the world? No. Something was up. He had forced his way onto that stage just to mess it up. But why?
There was only one explanation.
“I think Diablo killed Rosalie,” I whispered to Tanner as we walked back to the event wheel. Ocelot had commended Tanner for being “wonderfully extra,” but had ultimately awarded the victory to the blue team since none of them tripped and fell on their faces.
Tanner raised an eyebrow. “That’s quite the accusation. Do you have evidence to back that up?”
“No. But how else would you explain why he’s sucked so badly at every event? I think he’s nervous because he knows that I’m Rosalie’s sister and I’m onto him.” The theory had made sense in my head, but hearing it out loud made me less sure.
“That feels like a bit of a stretch.”
“Frankie told me that he and Angel have been members for at least five years.”
“Again, not super incriminating.”
I put my hand on my hip. “Okay then, Mr. Super Detective. Do you have any better leads?”
“No…”
“Then here’s the plan. I’m going to show Diablo that picture of Rosalie and say that she’s super into him. And that she’s on her way to come watch the rest of the events.”
Tanner stared at me. “And that will accomplish what, exactly?”
“It’ll spook him. And then he’ll freak out and call his accomplices.”
“Oh, so now he has accomplices?” Tanner was clearly not getting my plan.
“Maybe.”
“And how are we going to know when he calls his accomplices?”
“You’re going to bug him.”
“What makes you think I can do that?” asked Tanner.
I shrugged. “I don’t know! You sell hair-changing tech to the CIA. I assume you have bugs too.”
“Fair point. Okay, I’ll bug him.”
“Good. You set the bug. I’ll go grab the picture.” I knew the plan sounded crazy, but I was sure we were about to catch Rosalie’s killer red-speedoed. There was literally no other explanation for Diablo’s sabotage.