Chapter 19
Erica
As Marco pays for lunch, I stretch my shoulders back and sneak a glance his way.
I can’t help but notice his long, slender fingers as they carefully pull out his platinum business card and place it in the leather bill the waiter left.
I remember the way they left their impressions on my skin.
He’s so calm and collected in everything he does, moving smoothly in one of my favorite suits on him.
The navy one with the notched lapel. It pops against the stark white of the pinstriped button-down that makes him look even tanner than he is.
I tear my eyes away and place my hand on my very full stomach.
I ate far too much, but everything had been so delicious.
From the crostini to the risotto to the branzino.
Marco insisted I get anything I wanted. I figured the more food, the less conversation, and fewer opportunities I had to find his every word interesting. But I was wrong.
So many courses meant more time together and the more my walls I had carefully built began crumbling down.
Our lunch ended up being almost three hours long, and the conversation was just as good as the food.
I should have known that it would be. He’s charming.
Interesting. Stupidly handsome. All reasons why I should have told him no to today’s outing, but at the end of the day, he’s my boss.
I can’t exactly tell him no, except when he makes a move on me.
Which he doesn’t. There isn’t even an accidental brush of the knees under the table, and I find myself tingling in anticipation for one.
I think I scared him off with my resignation letter, which I’m relieved for because sitting across from him at this intimate booth, and feeling his eyes graze down my face to the neckline of my blouse, I may as well be naked.
Something he’s seen before. He makes me feel wanted in a way I’ve never experienced before.
I wish I hated it, but part of me craves it.
I also crave to know more about him. Over lunch, he shares with me how he got started with his company and how it turned into something so much bigger than he ever anticipated.
He reminds me a little of my father, his work ethic and determination, but he’s not cold or boisterous.
I found myself wanting to know more and couldn’t stop asking questions.
It felt like our night at the jazz club, except now he was the one talking.
I wonder if we had just both been honest that night, if things would have been different. There’s so much we have in common.
It doesn’t matter, I remind myself.
He’s my boss. I’m his employee. He’s the father of my daughter, and he is blissfully unaware of that fact. I have to keep it that way. Chalk this up to a business lunch and get out of here.
It’s hard to ignore those eyes, though. I feel like I’m getting lost in their darkness as they remain steady on me. I have to look away. I reach for my purse.
“We should probably get back,” I say, feeling my walls come back up, knowing these thoughts racing through my head are dangerous.
“Right,” he agrees with a solemn nod.
We take a cab back to the office, the ride quiet as if all our words were left back at the table in the restaurant.
When we get upstairs, it’s nearly 4 p.m. The workday is almost over, and besides making a dent in my word count, it feels like I’ve done nothing.
It doesn’t even feel like today was a work day, which makes me feel guilty for being away from Josie while she’s at daycare.
Here I am, spending so much time with a man I’m keeping a secret from her, and her from him.
A man who I’ve hated until recently. I can feel the iciness thawing the more time I spend with him.
Maybe I should have gone through with the resignation, but it’s like I can’t make up my damn mind on what I feel for him.
I’m completely lost in it. What kind of mother am I?
I’m putting my future and Josie’s future at risk just because I get lost in the way he looks at me or the memory of his touch when I’m alone in bed at night.
When I leave the office at five, I rush over to the daycare to pick up Josie.
It’s the first time in a while that I’ve been able to pick her up, and not have to ask Beth or Sadie to because I’m working late.
I told Marco I couldn’t stay late tonight, mostly because of Josie and partly because after the day we’ve had together, I can’t risk being around him any more than necessary.
As soon as Josie sees me, she crawls toward the daycare gate and puts her arms up. I smile at her as the young daycare worker scoops her up and hands her to me. I give her a big hug and a kiss on her forehead.
“We’re going to miss her,” says the daycare worker.
“We’ll come visit,” I promise.
It’s the last day of daycare for Josie since I found a nanny.
I thought it would be better to have someone constant in Josie’s life, rather than daycare and putting the burden on Beth or Sadie when I needed help.
They’ve already done so much. Plus, with my new salary, I can afford a nanny.
She starts tomorrow. A young woman who is studying to be a teacher.
Thankfully, she takes online courses, and I’m more than okay with her working on them while she watches Josie at my apartment.
Josie and I take the subway home and I begin making Josie’s favorite food right now, which is macaroni and cheese.
We have a dance party around the kitchen and collapse on the floor in a breathless heap while the noodles cook.
She puts her hands on my cheeks and smiles.
I get teary-eyed as I look at her. I don’t know what I deserved to get this little girl.
“Mama loves you,” I say, giving her a kiss on the nose. The one feature she got from me and not Marco.
Marco.
Now that I’ve spent more time with him, I see him more and more in Josie.
It makes me wonder if I’m making the right decision in keeping her from him.
This big secret is weighing so heavily on me that I feel like I might suffocate sometimes.
I wonder if it would be so bad if I came clean, but it’s too late for that now.
Josie is going to turn a year old soon, and this whole time I’ve known he’s her father.
He’d hate me. He might even try to make my life miserable by taking her away from me.
Or worse, he will want nothing to do with her if I give him the chance to, hurting both of us.
He doesn’t seem like that kind of person, but I remind myself that I hardly know him. I can’t risk it.
There’s a knock at my door, and I pull myself to my feet, lifting Josie up with me.
“Coming,” I say.
I open the door and see Sadie and Beth standing there with a bottle of champagne. I look at them, confused by this surprise celebration.
“What’s this about?” I ask.
“Your resignation party!” says Beth, clapping her hands.
Shit. I forgot to tell them that I had changed my mind, or more so that Marco had changed my mind.
“Oh…right,” I say hesitantly.
Sadie lowers the bottle and her mouth falls into a slight frown. “You didn’t do it, did you?” she asks.
“I couldn’t.” I shake my head.
“Erica!” says Sadie, putting her hands on her hips, while Beth stands by looking amused.
I push the door open and they each give Josie a kiss on the cheek as they walk in. Beth pops open the champagne and pours us three glasses.
“What are we celebrating now?” I ask, leaning against the kitchen counter.
“We’re not. I just like champagne,” she says.
We break into giggles, Josie joining in as she reaches for my champagne glass.
“This is mama juice,” I say, taking it out of her reach.
“So, what happened?” asks Sadie. “I thought you had your resignation letter ready to go.”
“I did…” I say, looking down at my feet.
“But?”
“But he convinced me not to go,” I say sheepishly.
“I’m sure he did,” says Beth, wiggling her eyebrows.
“Beth!” I say shrilly, putting my hand up to stifle a laugh.
“I’m just saying, clearly you stayed for a reason. Maybe there are feelings there that you are denying.”
Of course, Beth is happy about me staying, thinking we will somehow end up together and Josie will have a happy little family.
“That’s not why,” I say, trying to sound convincing to my friends and myself.
“Then why?” Sadie asks, putting the champagne down and crossing her arms. I see she’s in protective mama bear mode.
“This paper is all I’ve ever known. I can’t give up on it,” I say.
Sadie looks pensive for a moment.
“At least you still have your column,” she finally says.
“Exactly. And if I stay on, then maybe I can try to keep the glimmer of hope alive for The NY Daily News. ”
“If The Shark will let you.”
“I think he will.”
I go on to tell them what he said to me when I tried to quit, about how he knows how much the paper means to me. Beth looks at me with goo-goo eyes, but Sadie looks unsure.
“Sounds like a smooth talker,” she says, her lips pursed.
“Who cares?” interjects Beth. “Let Erica have some fun. We both know she hasn’t been laid since.”
“Anywaaaay,” I say in a singsong voice, trying to end this conversation. “Who wants mac n’ cheese?”
“Mac cheeeeee,” says Josie, clapping her hands.
We enjoy dinner together at my small dining room table, and the topic of Marco thankfully doesn’t come up again.
We talk about work, Sadie’s new, hot client at her accounting firm, and Beth’s upcoming event she’s doing florals for.
They ask about the new nanny that’s starting, and I can see they’re wary about it.
I feel a little nervous about it too, introducing someone new into my daughter’s life.
She’s practically a stranger, but I vetted her.
She had stellar recommendations and I grabbed coffee with her last week.
I think she will be great for Josie. Obviously, the best thing would be for her to be close to me, but that’s impossible.
For a moment, I had entertained the thought of Josie coming to daycare at my work.
There is a fantastic onsite facility that most every employee brings their child to.
I’ve even snuck a peek or two a few times when I was considering how nice it would be to have Josie nearby for me to come visit during the day.
I was impressed by the beautiful, sunlit room with a pastel-painted mural of bunnies and flowers across the walls.
It had everything she could possibly need, but I can’t risk taking her there.
The thought of her even being in the same building as Marco scares me.
He doesn’t know I have a child, let alone his child.
Most people I worked with at the paper didn’t know or have probably forgotten with how little I talk about her.
I’m fiercely protective of her. The coworkers I was close to and had met her are all gone now anyway.
Still, bringing her with me to work is too risky.
If Marco finds out about her, or even lays eyes on her, he will know.