Chapter 58
Marco
I lower my raised hand that’s about to knock on the door when I see Erica standing before me.
She looks completely stunned, and I wonder where she’s going.
She looks up at me nervously, her lips parted slightly, but nothing comes out.
The words I rehearsed on the way here don’t come out either.
We stand in silence just looking at each other.
It feels comfortable, as if the words I have yet to say are already known.
I have this strange feeling that she was on her way to see me.
As I stare into her green eyes, they’re changing from a forest storm to new leaves beginning to bloom, and that’s how I feel about us. The storms we’ve endured together, and apart, have led us to a new beginning. Here. Now.
Our future is just inside the apartment behind her.
I can hear Josie’s giggles drifting toward me, and it makes me hopeful for the future I hope to have with her.
With Erica. As a real family. I’ve had a small glimpse of what that life can be like.
At the daycare and at the diner and at the zoo.
In the evenings we’ve spent together, just us three.
If it’s any preview of what our life can be, then I want the feature film to begin as soon as possible.
I know that even if Josie had never come to be, though a sadder world, that the woman before me is the one . She is it for me. I knew it before I found out about Josie. Now, I just need to convince her that I’m the one for her.
Before I can say anything, I see her brother come to the door with Josie in his arms. He’s looking at Erica and me with a curious smile on his face.
I had forgotten that he might be here still.
I feel my face burn being caught in this moment with his sister.
He bends down and places Josie in her stroller, buckling her up.
“I think I’ll take Josie for a little walk,” he says with a little smirk.
Erica and I don’t say anything, we just step aside, making room for him to roll Josie out of the apartment. Once he’s down the hall and we are sure he’s out of earshot, Erica looks to me.
“Do you want to come in?” she asks, her voice shaky.
“Sure.” I nod.
I follow her inside her apartment, and we both take a seat on her couch.
“You came back,” she says, more like a question than a statement.
I take a deep breath, trying to remember the words I tried to memorize on the car ride here, wanting everything to come out perfectly. But my mind blanks and my mouth opens, letting unrehearsed words pour out of me, and somehow that’s better. It’s real.
“I did,” I say. “I came back because I never should have left. I should have stayed when you asked me to. Not because you needed help with Josie. You’re an amazing mother.
I see it in the little human Josie is becoming, but I also see it in you and all you do for her.
In all you’ve done for her. Your love is fierce.
Protective. True. I know you can do it all on your own, but I don’t want you to. ”
I see Erica swallow hard, absorbing the words I’m saying to her. I hope she believes them.
“I want to be here. I want to be here for it all. The early mornings. The nighttime feedings. The diaper changes. The bubbly bathtimes. The story times. The milestones. I don’t want to miss any more time with my daughter, but only if you let me.
“I know you’re scared. I know it’s not easy to let someone into the world you two have built together.
I won’t push you to do anything you’re not ready for.
If you’re never ready, then I’ll accept that.
It will be damn hard, but I will. You’re her mother, and I would never take that away from you. I’m sorry you ever thought I would.”
A tear falls down her cheek, and I so badly want to reach out and wipe it away. I want to wipe every tear away. I resist the urge to reach out and touch her face because I have to get this all out, and if I get any closer, I won’t be able to resist pressing my lips to hers.
“I love Josie,” I continue. “I want to be a real family. You, me, and her. I want to eat dinner together every night. I want us to take her to the zoo. The movies. Playdates. School. Soccer practice. I want to do it together. Us three because not only do I love Josie, but I love you.”
Another tear falls down her cheek. I can’t resist the urge to wipe it away this time, so I reach out slowly and gently swipe it away, unsure if it’s a happy tear or a sad tear.
She closes her eyes at my touch, but doesn’t pull away.
I know everything is complicated right now, and maybe everything I’m saying is too much for her.
I’m not trying to confuse her or make her life more complicated than it is.
I just know if I never say this, I’ll always regret it, wondering “what if.”
“I love you, Erica. I think I have for a while. I don’t care if your family knows about me. I don’t care if anyone knows about me. None of that matters, as long as I have you. And Josie. As long as we are together, then I’d be a happy man. I’d be whole. I’d be happy.”
My hand is still cradling her face. I want to kiss her.
She hasn’t stopped me yet, but she also hasn’t said anything.
I look at her, hoping to see some sort of invitation in her eyes.
They fall to my lips and a small smile spreads across her perfect mouth.
I know she wants it too. I lean in, but she stops me.
I look down at her confused, slowly taking my hand away from the soft skin of her face. Maybe I’m reading her wrong.
“I want all of that, too,” she says softly. “But…”
I brace myself, holding my breath for what she’s about to say next.
“I want my family to know. I want them to know everything.”
Her words surprise me, landing on my ears like music notes creating the perfect song. It doesn’t feel real.
“I’m tired of the secrets,” she continues. “They’ve only made my life harder. I’m so sorry I ever kept everything from you.”
“It’s okay…” I start, but she holds her hand up to let me know she’s not done.
“It’s not okay. I hurt you. I kept this beautiful baby from you, and you had every right to know her.”
I can see the pain and regret in her eyes as she speaks, and I wish I could take it all away.
“But I want you to know her. Every part of her. I want you to be in her life. In my life. And I want everyone to know it.”
I let out a quiet laugh of relief, shaking my head like I can’t believe what she’s saying to me. She scooches closer to me on the couch and looks at me intently before pressing her forehead against mine. Her words fall against my face in gentle whispers.
I look down at her eyes, expectant and demanding at the same time.
I take her face in my hands and give her what she wants.
What I want . I press my lips against hers, and in some ways, it feels like our first kiss, like we are starting over.
But in other ways it feels like we’ve loved each other all our days.
Her hands find their way to the back of my head, her fingers wrapping in my hair as she breathes deep, taking me in. It feels like we are one, and I never want to come up for air. I love her. I love this woman. Every fiber of my being loves her.
After several moments, I pull away and look at her. Her beauty takes me aback. I run my hands down the sides of her face, gently brushing her dark hair back as I look at every beautiful centimeter of her face.
“I love you,” she whispers, and it’s everything I’ve ever wanted to hear. Three little words. They just changed my life.
She goes in for another kiss before pulling away. Her eyes find mine, alive and searching mine before she says, “I love you so much that I can’t keep it a secret. It’s too big to hold in. Too big to hide. Too special to not let the world know.”
My eyes burn with tears and I go in for another kiss. Several kisses. One after the other.
“I love you so damn much,” I tell her between frantic kisses.
It almost feels like this moment isn’t real.
It feels too good to be true, and I realize I’ve been waiting for this for a long time.
Before Erica came back into my life. Before I found out about Josie.
Because I fell in love with her the night I met her, and I have no intention of losing her again.
Not when I just got everything I wanted, and there’s more to come.
When we finally come up for air, Erica leans her forehead against my chest and I wonder if she can feel how quickly it’s beating. I hold her against me.
“I can’t believe this is happening,” she whispers.
“Believe it,” I whisper in her hair.
We stay like that, me holding her against me for a while, and I feel my heart begin to slow to a normal pace. This is my life right here. My life for always. I think Erica will always make my heart skip a beat, but my heart is content right here with her.
I hear the locks on the door of her apartment begin to click, and she slowly pulls her head from my chest as we look down the hallway. The door opens and Troy walks in, looking around warily, as he pushes the stroller in front of him. He sees us on the couch and bites back a smile.
“I should get going,” he says casually, like he hasn’t just walked in on something. “My family is probably wondering where I am. I fed her some mac n’ cheese, by the way, so don’t worry about dinner.”
Erica nods and pulls herself from the couch, grabbing my hand.
It’s such a small gesture, but in front of her brother it means everything.
I hold her hand as she leads me to where Troy is unbuckling Josie from her stroller.
He scoops her up and looks between Erica and me, like he’s unsure of who to hand her to.
But his eyes settle on me, and to my surprise, he hands her to me.
She wraps her arms around my neck and in all the times I’ve held her, this feels the most significant. I’m her father. I get to be in her life. She gets to have the family she deserves. I kiss her on the cheek, hoping it gives me time to blink back the tears forming behind my eyes.
Troy nods at me reassuringly, and without saying anything, I know he knows who I am.
“It was nice to meet you, Marco,” he says with a nod.
He turns to give Erica a hug, and she grips him tightly, like a silent thank-you. I’m so happy she can finally feel this weight off her shoulders. She’s free from the secrets and lies been holding onto. This is as big a moment for her as it is for me, and it makes me love her even more deeply.