Chapter 35 Because I Love You
BECAUSE I LOVE YOU
PAIGE
I was half-asleep on the couch, the movie playing in the background, when Derek’s voice snapped me out of my drowsiness.
“Paige, come here.”
My eyes fluttered open to find Derek standing in the hallway, backlit by the bedroom light, and something in his posture made my stomach clench.
“Come to the bedroom. Please.”
He had never done that before. He usually lifted me in his arms and took us to our bedroom.
So it was odd.
I paused the movie and stood up, my heart already beginning to race. There was tension between us. I could feel it in the air and in the way he said my name.
The walk towards our room felt endless. Each step brought me closer to whatever waited in that room, and I found myself wanting to turn back, to run, to avoid whatever conversation we were about to have.
I stopped in the doorway, and the air felt thick.
Derek sat on the edge of the bed, elbows on his knees, hands clasped in front of him. He looked up when I entered, and the expression on his face made my breath catch. He wasn’t angry.
“Hey,” I said, my voice barely a whisper.
He didn’t reply. Just watched me with those blue eyes that always knew me too well.
I swallowed hard against the lump forming in my throat. “What happened?”
“Do you have something you want to tell me?”
My heart stuttered because I had never heard that tone from him before. It was careful and controlled, like he was holding back.
“What do you mean?” I asked, my voice shaky.
“Tell me, Paige.”
It wasn’t a question, but a command.
Does he know? My mind raced. But I had hidden the pregnancy test. Buried it at the bottom of the bathroom cabinet under the tampons and pads. How could he possibly—
What if he found it?
“Paige.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
He sighed and stood up. He walked over to me as I watched him tower over me with my pulse pounding in my ears.
“When was your last period?”
He knows.
“What? What do you mean?”
He took a step closer, and I saw it. The pregnancy test clutched in his hand, the two pink lines visible.
“You’re pregnant, Paige!” He said, his voice cracking at my name. “And it’s my baby. Our baby!”
I tried to stay calm, tried to breathe through the panic clawing up my throat, but I couldn’t. Not when he was looking at me like that. As if I had betrayed him, like I stole something precious and hidden it away.
“You found out,” I said weakly.
He laughed, and the sound was humorless, breaking my heart. “Yes, I found out. When—” He gestured with the test, his hand shaking. “How long, Paige? Tell me. How long have you known?”
Tears burned behind my eyes, and I blinked them back. “I found out this evening. After we came back from court.”
“So Jennifer knows? You told Jennifer before you told me—”
“She didn’t know!” I blurted out. “She found me puking my guts out in the courthouse bathroom and thought… well, she bought me the test to find out. That’s all. She doesn’t know the results. Nobody knows except—” My voice broke. “Except you, Derek.”
His jaw clenched as I watched him process that information.
“But you knew,” he said quietly, and the gentleness in his voice was somehow worse than the anger. “You’ve been nauseated for days. The cheese thing and the way you’ve been acting. Were you ever going to tell me?”
“I don’t know!” I said. “I don’t know, Derek.”
I turned away from him because I couldn’t bear to see his face. “I don’t know,” I repeated, tears streaming down my face. “I’m not even sure if I should keep—”
His hands were on my shoulders, turning me around carefully.
“Why not?”
My bottom lip quivered as I tried to speak but couldn’t.
“Because this was all supposed to be fake,” I finally said in broken words. “Our rehearsed kisses, the pictures, lying to our friends and family. It was all fake, Derek. All of it. And now—” I pressed a hand to my stomach. “Now there’s going to be a baby, and how do I explain that? How do I—”
“It doesn’t have to be,” he said as I heard his stutter creeping in. “I-It d-doesn’t have to be fake.”
“I know,” I whispered.
His eyes went wide. “W-What?”
I took a shuddering breath and wiped my tears with trembling hands. “It was a mistake, okay? I overheard you and Charlotte talking. In that hotel hallway after the wedding. I heard everything.”
The color drained from his face. “Everything?”
“Yes. About how you…” I paused. “Ever since we were kids. How you stopped eating when Jack proposed. How you—”
I couldn’t finish.
“Okay,” he said. “Okay. So now you know. I’m sorry, I was going to tell you today—I mean, after the divorce but… you know.”
He took a breath, and I watched him straighten his shoulders.
“What’s the issue here? I don’t understand.”
“The issue is that—Derek. You’ve lived your entire life without moving on. You’ve wasted decades on someone who wasn’t available, who couldn’t give you what you deserved, and—”
“Who says I want to move on?” He stepped closer, and I felt the warmth radiating from his body. “Who says any of that was wasted?”
“But I’m…” I gestured helplessly at myself. “Why? Why me? I’m a mess, Derek. I’m freshly divorced, with a toddler, and now I’m pregnant with your baby, and you could have anyone. Anyone in the world who doesn’t come with all this baggage—”
He caught my hands, holding them between his like he was afraid I would disappear or run away. “I don’t want anyone else, Paige. I want you. Because I love you.”
I shook my head, tears flowing freely now. “You don’t… you can’t—”
“I do. I can. And I have for decades.” His thumb traced my lower lip, and my breath hitched in my throat. “I’ve been in love with you since we were eight years old. Since you punched Tommy and held my hand and made me believe I was worth… something.”
I sniffled.
“Every woman I’ve dated has been a poor substitute for what I really wanted,” he continued, his voice dropping low. “Watching you marry Jack nearly destroyed me. Kelly knew it and everyone knew it except you.”
“Derek, but—”
“Having you here, in my home, with your daughter… our routine, nights on the couch, every single moment we spend together, it’s the happiest I’ve ever been.” He kissed my cheek. “And the most terrified because I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to lose this.”
“You won’t,” I whispered. “You won’t lose me.”
“Then why are you crying? Why are you talking about not keeping our baby?”
“Because I’m scared,” I confessed. “Because what if this is too much, too fast? What if you wake up one day and realize you’ve been in love with an idea of me, not the real me? The me who’s exhausted and scared and doesn’t know how to do any of this?”
“Paige.” He pressed his forehead to mine. “I know exactly who you are. I know you snore when you’re really tired. I know you organize your books by color even though it makes no logical sense. I know you, Paige. The real you. And I love her. All of her.”
“Even the pregnant, terrified, just-divorced version?” My voice was small.
“Especially that version.” He pulled back just enough to look me in the eye. “Because that’s the version in front of me right now.”
His warm hand slid down to rest gently on my stomach. “You, me, Lily, and this little one. That’s what I want, Paige. Forever.”
“I love you too,” I whispered. “I think I’ve loved you for longer than I knew. Longer than I let myself admit.”
His eyes widened. “Say it again.”
“I love you, Derek. I love you, and I’m terrified, and I want to keep this baby, and I don’t know how we’re going to do this but—”
He kissed me before I could finish. It wasn’t a gentle or careful kiss. There was need, relief and joy all tangled together with his hands in my hair and my fingers clutching his shirt.
When we finally broke apart, we were breathless. He rested his forehead against mine again.
“We’re going to figure it out,” he said firmly. “Together. That’s how we do this.”
“Together,” I agreed, and I believed it.