23. Children can really be little cock-blockers
TWENTY-THREE
CHILDREN CAN REALLY BE LITTLE COCK-BLOCKERS
T he only good thing about last night’s escapade is that it finally pushed me to look inwards. I left a bully who should have been a safe haven and have been struggling for more than a year to make ends meet and survive on my own. I have no education and if I don’t do something about it, I fear this is what my life is going to be like forever. An endless streak of short-term jobs and shitty apartments with shitty roommates.
Though the latest flat is far from shitty. Sometimes, when I wake up in the pink sheets and take in my surroundings, I think I’m still dreaming. Yet, this is what I want. To wake up in my own place and know that I worked for it, ready to go take care of people who need me.
On my phone, the vision board I created months ago when I settled on studying chiropractic is set as my background. It’s a collage of images of a woman holding a skeleton as if she’s giving a talk or explaining how the body works, of a chiropractic clinic logo, of hands on someone’s lower back and of a chiropractic table set in a warm, green office.
With Anton at school and Livia down for her nap, I open the laptop Lino told me I could use on my first day here. Unfortunately, I ended up on Kalliste on a whim after escaping my aunt and there are no chiropractic schools here. As I deepen my research, two programs stand out. One in the US, but I’ll never step foot there if I don’t have to, and one in Australia.
That one even offers subsidies. I’ll probably still need to work while studying, but I’m not afraid of a busy schedule. I made myself a promise to build a good future for myself. One where I can rely on myself and not be afraid to take risks. I intend to keep that promise.
My heart pinches when I consider leaving.
When I took this job, I thought it would be short term and easy. Feed the children, make sure they are happy, get out in the evening. Even if I didn’t live on the Marquesi’s property, leaving would be hard. In just four months, Livia and Anton have burrowed themselves into my heart. And now, Lino.
I don’t even want to think about Lino.
If I think about him, I’m gonna think about last night. If I go down that road, my body will remember how he tastes, how his hands feel on my body, how I came for him not once, but twice.
This life, these children, him, this is all a mirage. A dream I can aspire to, but they don’t belong to me. As much as I care for them, this isn’t my future. I’m just a placeholder and they’re stepping stones to my plans.
When Lino comes back from work tonight, I will give him my notice. After the summer holidays, he can hire someone new and I can move across the world, chasing my future.
A fter I pick up Anton from school, the afternoon goes by very quickly and I’m shocked when I hear the sound of tires on the gravel outside.
It’s not like I forgot Lino wanted to talk to me. He’s hard to forget with his looming presence, deep baritone and fresh cologne. He looked formidable in his suit this morning and I had to avert my gaze or else I’d have melted into a puddle at his feet. And I’m not doing that. I’m not going to swoon over how perfect he is with his kids, how he takes care of them. He’s their father, he’s supposed to do it.
I have a plan, and I need to stick to it.
“Vanessa,” he greets me, then kisses Anton’s and Livia’s heads.
“Mr Marquesi,” I answer, then gulp. Because I can’t avoid his eyes any longer. And when I look up, his face is unreadable. I know it’s a mask, but it doesn’t prevent my heart from squeezing with rejection. I shouldn’t even want him to want me.
“ Picculinu , I need to speak to Vanessa. Watch your sister for a moment. The door to the office is open if you need us, okay?”
Why does he have to say us like that? We’re not an us . We’re not a team. I work for him.
And I know what he tastes like.
I follow after him until we’re in the office. He doesn’t sit, just stands there, imposing and charismatic. I wait.
“Vanessa, I want to apologise. About last night.” It’s his turn to avoid looking at me. His back is to me and I wish he’d look at me. “I got carried away. I shouldn’t have touched you like that. It will never happen again. You have my word.”
The distance between us might only be a few feet, but it feels like an ocean. Cold settles on my shoulders.
It’s for the best. Yet, I tell him my truth. “You have nothing to apologise for, Lino.”
“Don’t use my name,” he says, almost pleading as he turns towards me again.
I take a step forward and brazenly place a hand to his heart. It beats an erratic drum against my fingers, a mirror to my own, but I stand my ground. I can’t stand him blaming himself for something we both participated in. And with enthusiasm and passion. “I enjoyed every second of it.”
His hand folds over mine.
My breath catches as his other hand lifts and his knuckles glide across my cheek in the softest caress. As though he’s memorising the shape of my face because it will be the last time.
The air is thick between us. Sound and time disappear, leaving us suspended in a bubble of our own making.
I lick my lips and Lino’s eyes catch the movement, his pupils dilating wide . Slowly, as if he’s giving me time to refuse, Lino drops his head until his lips meet mine. My eyes flutter closed and I lean into him. This kiss is nothing like the ravenous hunger I felt last night. It’s almost painful. I’m not sure if it’s a goodbye or a promise.
When Lino’s tongue prods at my lips, I open for him and we both moan low as the kiss deepens. I fist his shirt, trying and failing to stay grounded in reality.
His hands frame my face like he isn’t sure if he needs to clutch me to him or push me away. But we don’t stop. Our tongues dance together and we lose ourselves to each other as if nothing has ever felt more right.
“ Babbu ,” Livia calls out and a second later, the sound of small feet stampeding their way to the office echo in the corridor.
Lino and I jump away from each other, both breathing heavily and cheeks flushed pink.
“Well, thank you, Mr Marquesi. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I flee because there’s no other option.
When I’m safe in my flat, I know that no matter how much I tell myself I need to quit and I need to have more restraint so if my boss kisses me again, I will succumb to this forbidden fruit.