36. Stepping up
THIRTY-SIX
STEPPING UP
T he following week, Anton and Livia are both at school when Lino’s health starts to decline. The conversation we had that day by the pool is fresh in my mind. And it seems Lino just needed the reassurance that I’d still be there for him to let go.
He comes back from work early one afternoon. In the past seven months since I’ve known him, it happened only once that day he chased my roommate away.
He kisses me lightly on the forehead. “I don’t feel well, zitella . I’m going to lie down. Do you mind picking up Livia and Anton from school?”
I nod, then take care of the kids as they tell me about their day enthusiastically. I try my best not to show my concern for their dad as they ask me where he is and I explain that he’s unwell and resting. They go to his bedroom and hug him goodnight while I watch from the threshold, growing more anxious.
“Is Babbu going to leave like mamma?” Anton asks when I draw the sheet over his body in his bed. His voice is so unsure, cracking at the edges, his cheeks wet with fat tears. He doesn’t sob, but his sadness is palpable.
“No, anghulu . Babbu is just a little sick. He’ll get better soon.”
“He was sick a lot before Mamma left,” he says before hugging his teddy bear to his chest like it’s the only thing stable in his life.
Fuck.
When Lino mentioned depression, I had no idea how bad it was, but if Anton remembers that his father was in bed often, I’m sure his state of mind wasn’t the best. I caress his blonde curls until he falls asleep, giving what I can to make him feel safe. Then, I go to the pool house and move all my clothing and possessions into the main house. I’m not staying away one more second.
It only takes me two trips and when I’m done, I open our bedroom door and start to place my clothing next to Lino’s in the closet. I know he’s not sleeping, but I don’t want to disturb his rest. I just want him to know I’m all in. I’m not going anywhere. His demons don’t scare me.
“What are you doing?” he asks, voice rough with a tired strain.
“Moving in,” I answer while continuing my task.
Lino lifts himself up to rest against the headboard and watches me like a hawk. The underside of his eyes are dark and I hate to see it but I don’t turn away. I give him a smile, aware of everywhere his eyes touch, but I don’t let it distract me. His full attention is always a torrent of intense affection and lust, and lately, it took on a possessive quality that gets me hot and bothered in seconds.
When I’m done, I set my suitcase to the side and get into the bed, having changed into the newest silky pyjama set I splurged on. Lino’s mouth quirks up at the little chestnuts embroidered on it. The tree is endemic of Kalliste and I thought it was a cute reminder of where I’ve found love and set roots.
Before my head touches the pillow, Lino drags me against him. His touch isn’t sexual. It feels like worship. His nose tickles my hair as he takes a drag of my shampoo’s scent. “I’m sorry,” he whispers.
“Don’t be.”
My ear settles against his chest, where his heart pumps slow and steady. We fall asleep like that and I wake up with a strain in my neck, but it was all worth it.
Unfortunately, the next day is similar to the first one, until Lino doesn’t even get up one morning.
“I’m too tired, Vanessa.” Shame coats his words and I know that leaving all pretence behind is fully sapping all the remaining strength he has. I kiss his brow and take the children to school. I strategise as we walk. Lino needs more help than I can provide.
“Why was Babbu not here this morning?” Antons asks. His lips tilt downwards and clamp so tight, I know he’s holding on by a thread, trying not to cry. Livia watches him with round eyes, ready to burst into tears if her brother so much as sobs.
They know their father is an early riser and anal about being on time. I swallow the bile that rises in my throat. “ Babbu isn’t doing well, anghuli, so he’s resting,” I tell them truthfully.
“Are you going to leave like Mamma did?” is the next question that comes from his mouth and I get to my hunches in an instant, wrapping my arms around both of them and clutching them to me.
“Of course, not. I love you and I love Babbu , okay? I’m not going anywhere,” I tell them with all the conviction in my heart. They’re mine, no matter what our blood says.
They don’t seem convinced as they keep their little fists clenched to my pink dress.
“What did I promise you the first day I was late to pick you up from school, Anton?”
“That you will always pick me up,” he answers while wiping his tears with the back of his hand, sniffing.
“Exactly. And that's what I intend to do. Now, you and Livia have fun today at school. Livia, don’t steal from your classmates, okay?”
She rolls her eyes at me and agrees, giggling like that’s exactly what she’ll do. It’s only her second week at school but already she’s a terror and everyone, even the teacher, are wrapped around her cute little finger. I shake my head and kiss their heads before rushing back home.
When I enter the house, noises come from the kitchen, giving me hope that at least Lino feels good enough to feed himself. “I was worried about you,” I tell him as I walk in.
And come face to face with Monica Marquesi.