Chapter 13
Chapter Thirteen
FORD
Iwoke at dawn, alone in my bed, the scent of Paige on my pillows. I’d expected her to run after I told her all the gory details of my past with my family and my father. I hadn’t expected the best night of my life with a woman who was turning all my expectations upside down.
I’d said no relationships. I’d meant it at the time.
What did I have to offer her? And now, I had even less to offer.
We’d caught Cole’s assassin, but I had my doubts that I’d improved my situation.
Next time, Cole would make a better choice, and I’d be up shit’s creek.
I had no business getting involved with Paige, even as a casual hookup.
Last night had been anything but casual.
I wanted more. Not just the sex—though I’d take as much of that as I could get—but more of Paige.
Falling asleep with her in my arms, her curls soft against my cheek, the rustle of her breath, the steady thud of her heart.
I wanted that just as much as I wanted to take her to bed again. None of that was the plan.
I cringed at the idea of telling Griffen I was involved with his nanny.
Since I’d been home, it had been made very clear that my brother did not ascribe to my father’s attitude toward “the help.” He expected excellence, and he treated his staff like the intelligent, competent employees that they were.
No fraternization—though that hadn’t held with Finn and Savannah.
That had been different. They’d known each other since they were kids, and Savannah was more than capable of telling Finn to go to hell. Comparing our situation to theirs wouldn’t buy me any points with Griffen.
But Paige was a grown woman, not a child.
From what I’d seen, she was smart and level-headed.
She could make her own choices about what she did with her personal time.
And I knew what I’d told her was true. If it ever came to a conflict between us, Griffen wouldn’t give me a second chance.
Not if he thought I was taking advantage of a staff member—especially not if that staff member was his daughter’s nanny.
All of that should have had me turning away.
Instead, I was distracted, wondering if I’d find Paige in my bed that night or if I’d have to hunt her down.
I was glad she’d asked me to keep what was between us a secret.
Just a little bit longer to have her all to myself.
Everyone outside our secluded end of the guest wing could leave us alone.
Here, it was just the two of us. Crappy lighting, dodgy electrical, questionable heat—I’d take it all to be alone with Paige.
I checked my phone. Nothing from Griffen, but it was too early for him to have gotten in touch with the prison.
Just the thought of going back there turned my stomach.
I still had nightmares. The heat in the summer.
The cold in the winter. The clang of the doors.
Once I’d gotten out, it had taken me almost a month to relax enough to take a deep breath.
Aside from my bedroom, the library downstairs was one of the only places I was truly comfortable.
I felt more like myself these days than I had in a long time. But picturing the prison in my mind, all the progress I’d made dissolved. My chest went tight, my gut tied itself in a knot. I couldn’t breathe.
Fuck. I had to get past it. I had to hold it together if I wanted to get to the bottom of this.
I needed to see Cole, to look him in the eyes for the first time since I’d learned he was the one who had set me up for my father’s murder.
I needed to know what he had planned next.
I had to face him. The only way to do that was to go to the prison.
I wouldn’t show him my weakness, couldn’t let him see how off-balance being back there would make me. I needed to get my shit together.
With nothing but time to kill, I got up, threw on a T-shirt and athletic shorts, and jogged down to the gym.
If I had any hope of putting Griffen on his ass the next time we sparred, I needed to get in better shape.
I had no illusions that I was going to get into the kind of physical condition Griffen and Hawk maintained.
They were both a little scary, as was the rest of Hawk’s security team.
But once, I’d been fit, strong, and agile.
I’d let go of all of that in prison and hadn’t reclaimed it since I’d been out. It was time.
Maybe I could get my out-of-shape ass back into the kind of condition I’d need to go trail running again.
Heartstone Manor was surrounded by trails, and there’d been a time when I’d loved nothing more than to kill a few hours sweating it out in the cool shade of the forest. For now, I’d make do with the treadmill.
An hour later, my phone chimed. Griffen.
We’re good to go whenever you’re ready.
I’m in the gym. Need a shower. 30 minutes.
He sent back a thumbs-up. The run had burned off some of my tension. I could do this. I could go back there, face Cole Haywood, and find out what I needed to know. I could do it because, unlike Cole, I’d be going home after our conversation.
Griffen met me in the garage, standing at the door with his keys in his hand.
He scanned me and gave a nod, though I wasn’t sure what the nod was for.
Approval at what I was wearing? I’d dressed casually in a dress shirt and pants.
No tie, no suit. I didn’t want the extra armor.
It felt too much like overcompensating. I didn’t need a suit to establish the difference between Cole and me.
I remembered every moment of wearing that orange uniform.
How diminished I’d felt when Cole or my family had come to visit.
I wished I had the confidence to roll into the prison wearing jeans and an old T-shirt, but I wasn’t there yet. I wasn’t sure I ever would be.
Griffen didn’t say anything as we got into the SUV, appearing lost in thought. Silence reigned until the prison sign appeared on the highway.
“You ready for this?” Griffen asked quietly, his eyes flicking to me then back to the road.
My gut reaction was to put up a front. Sure, yeah, I can handle anything.
I opened my mouth and snapped it shut. That wasn’t the way—not if I wanted to fix things with my brother.
Putting up fronts was how I’d gotten myself in this mess in the first place.
I leaned my head back against the headrest and looked up at the fabric of the ceiling.
“Ready to see Cole again, or ready to go back in that prison?” I asked.
“Both,” Griffen clarified.
“I’m not ready for either one. I hate how I didn’t see what he was. I hate that my blindness let him hurt people I care about. But it’s not about Cole so much. It’s going back there at all.”
Griffen nodded slowly, absorbing my words. “Was it that bad?” Griffen asked.
I shook my head. “That’s the thing. It wasn’t, and it was.
It wasn’t like a movie with scary, violent shit happening twenty-four seven.
I kept my head down and my mouth shut. Didn’t piss anyone off and didn’t make any friends, which kept me out of trouble.
I’m big enough that people didn’t want to fuck with me.
Which is a good thing, because as you’ve learned, I can’t fight worth shit—not when it really matters. ”
“Not yet,” Griffen said and grinned at me. “We’ll get you there. What was the bad part?”
Flashbacks of shivering alone in my bunk washed over me.
“The isolation,” I said. “The restriction. I went from having the world at my fingertips to having my fruit cocktail stolen off my tray and knowing I had to let it go if I wanted to hang on to the little bit of peace I could carve out for myself in there. The monotony and the loneliness…” I trailed off, realizing this was the core of what I’d been struggling with.
I was lonely, and I didn’t know exactly how to get back to a place where I felt normal around my own family.
“I know it seems like I’ve been hiding away since I came back. ”
I glanced at Griffen and caught a short nod.
“And I have been,’” I said, “but not because I’m avoiding you guys.
It’s just…the Sawyer clan feels like a lot after going so many months barely speaking to anyone.
Just the freedom to sit in the library and read, or make a sandwich if I want one—I can’t tell you how overwhelming that was.
It was only a year. I don’t know how guys who’re in a decade or more do it.
How do you transition back to the real world?
I think it would have broken me if I’d stayed much longer. ”
Griffen swallowed and gave another nod. “I’m sorry you had to go through that,” he said, his voice rough.
I laughed, but it wasn’t bitter. “You’re the one person who can honestly say I got what I deserved. But you’re too good to think it, aren’t you?” I shook my head. “You always were the better man between the two of us.”
“Fuck off with that,” Griffen said with a rough laugh.
“I’m not a saint. And yeah, that thought crossed my mind a few times.
I still had a chip on my shoulder when I came back here after Dad died.
I didn’t want anything to do with Sawyers Bend.
Fuck the family. Fuck the town. You all got rid of me—well, now you can get what you deserve. ”
I looked at him in surprise. When he’d come to the prison to confront me after our father had been killed, he’d seemed settled, ready to fight for his family and his town, his new wife by his side. “Why didn’t you just walk away?”
A slow smile spread across my brother’s face, a light in his eyes.
“Hope,” he said. “She wasn’t having it. She told me I owed this town and my family more—that I had a chance to fix what went wrong.
And if I walked away, I’d be just as selfish as our father had been.
And I finally realized you did me a favor.
It didn’t feel like it at the time, but you did.
I got to live a life I never would have had if nothing had changed.
I don’t know that I’d be the man I am today if I’d spent all those years working side by side with Dad.
I don’t know how you could do that and not be poisoned by him. ”
“I didn’t,” I said, unable to keep the surprise out of my voice. “I drank his poison all on my own. You know what happened with Finn.”
“Was that the worst of it?” Griffen asked, sounding more curious than judgmental.
“Yes, but there was plenty that wasn’t a whole lot better.” The words came more easily than I expected, and I realized I was done hiding my sins. If I wanted to atone, I had to face the choices I’d made.
“After Finn, you changed,” Griffen said, considering. “I’ve heard from Quinn, from Royal, Sterling, and Parker—I know you were trying to fix things. You said you were investigating Dad.”
“Yeah.” I shifted, rolling my shoulders. “That was all true. But it feels like too little, too late.”
“Nah, that’s bullshit,” Griffen said, flicking on his blinker at the exit off the highway, slowing to take the road toward the prison.
“Too little, too late—it’s just an excuse to not try.
You decided to try, and getting caught up in Dad’s crap is what ended with you being thrown in prison for a crime you didn’t commit.
I wouldn’t say it was what you deserved.
No one deserves to pay for something they didn’t do.
But you put yourself in a situation, and that situation landed you in prison. ”
“That’s a fair way to put it,” I agreed.
“It’s just a matter of probabilities,” Griffen said. “You played with fire, you got burned. And when I say I’m genuinely sorry that you had to go through that and I’m really glad you’re out, I mean it.”
I nodded and swallowed hard, fighting back the words that beat against my brain until they spilled off my tongue. “Can you ever forgive me?”
The silence stretched until Griffen said, “I don’t think that’s really what you want to know.”
My chest felt hollow, but he went on.
“Forgiveness is the easy part,” he said, glancing at me, his eyes seeing straight through to my soul.
“I forgive you. You were a fucking kid, barely out of college. We had a toxic family. Our father was a nightmare. So yeah, I can forgive. I can forgive you for selling me out and getting me exiled and for marrying Vanessa. Jesus, I’m glad it was you and not me.
We were both idiots where she was concerned. ”
“I was thinking with my dick and my jealousy,” I admitted. “She was so beautiful, and she always knew the right thing to say to get under my skin. Looking back, I can’t believe I fell for her act so easily.”
“You weren’t the only one,” Griffen said with a laugh. “But what I really think you’re asking is if things can ever go back to how they were.”
My chest felt like it was caving in as the prison came into sight. The hard-edged shape of it loomed, blocking out the sun, as I waited for Griffen to finish, knowing he was right. Forgiveness wasn’t what I really wanted.
I wanted my brother back.