Chapter 69
Ella arrived at the bar earlier than everyone else, pushing open the door with someone following closely behind her.
The place was smaller than what most people pictured when they heard the word bar.
It sat tucked between two buildings, easy to miss unless someone knew exactly where to look.
The front opened into a narrow space lined with a few small tables against the wall.
May bar counter sa gitna at may mas malawak na area sa likod kung saan nagpa-reserve si Ella ng ilang tables para sa gabing iyon.
Maaga pa kaya tahimik ang bar.
Dalawa pa lang ang customers na nakaupo sa harap ng bar counter, a few high chairs apart, drinking in silence while the two bartenders moved behind the counter without hurry.
Ang isa sa kanila ay abala sa pag-fill ng isang baso mula sa tap, while the other leaned against the register, laughing softly at something one of the customers had said.
Pagpasok ni Ella, agad siyang napansin ng babaeng bartender.
"Hey, girl. Happy birthday."
Napangiti si Ella at umupo sa isa sa mga high chair. "Thanks, Bea."
"Usual?"
Tumango si Ella, saka itinuro ang babaeng nasa tabi niya. "And one for her too."
The woman next to her turned slightly, giving Ella a look. "You didn't even ask what I wanted."
Napangisi si Ella. "I know what you like. Or at least what you should like."
Napatawa si Bea at umiling bago tumalikod para ihanda ang drinks.
Habang naghihintay, Ella leaned forward against the counter, slipping easily into small talk with Bea the way regulars always did. They talked about work, how business had been lately, and Bea joked about Ella bringing too many people tonight.
"Birthday privilege," sagot ni Ella.
A minute later, the drinks arrived.
Agad kinuha ni Ella ang kanya at bahagyang itinaas ang baso.
"To surviving another year."
Marahang idinikit ng babaeng katabi niya ang baso sa kanya at bahagyang umangat ang sulok ng labi nito.
"To bad decisions."
Ella laughed. "That sounds more accurate."
For a while, they drank in silence.
Or at least, Ella did.
Because after a few minutes, may napansin na siyang pattern.
The small, nervous movements.
The way the woman beside her kept adjusting her grip on the glass.
The way her fingers tapped once against the wood before forcing themselves still.
At higit sa lahat, ang paulit-ulit na pagsulyap nito sa entrance.
Every few seconds, tumitingin ito sa pinto na parang may hinihintay na pumasok at any moment.
Ella counted it.
Once.
Twice.
Three times.
By the sixth time, hindi na siya nakatiis.
"You've checked the door at least six times."
Bahagyang natigilan si Gianna na sinubukan pang itago ang reaction sa pamamagitan ng pag-inom.
"Oh, really?" she said lightly. "I wasn't counting."
Sumandal si Ella sa counter habang nakatingin sa kanya. "Well, I was."
Mahinang buntong-hininga ang pinakawalan ni Gianna as she stared down at the amber liquid in her glass. "I can't help it."
Ella tilted her head. "Pwede ka pa namang umalis."
That made Gianna laugh, but there wasn't much humor in it.
"I'm not leaving, Ella."
"You're saying that like you're trying to convince yourself."
Matagal munang tinitigan ni Gianna ang hawak niyang inumin bago sumagot. "Maybe I am."
Tahimik lang siyang pinagmasdan ni Ella.
Halos tatlong taon na ang lumipas, pero halos wala pa ring nagbago kay Gianna.
Mahaba pa rin ang buhok niya. She wore a fitted black shirt with the sleeves rolled neatly to her elbows, dark jeans, at halos walang makeup. To anyone else, she looked exactly as she always had. Kalmado at halos imposibleng basahin.
But Ella knew better.
She saw the tension in Gianna's jaw. Ang paninigas ng balikat niya. Pati kung paano siya paulit-ulit na humihinga nang malalim through her nose na parang pilit niyang kinakalma ang sarili without anyone noticing.
Ella took another drink.
"Are you terrified?"
Gianna gave her a look.
"I'm fine."
Ella snorted. "Are you?"
Hindi agad sumagot si Gianna. Instead, napunta na naman ang tingin niya sa entrance.
How could they not?
Halos tatlong taon na.
Tatlong taon simula noong umalis siya.
Three years since she disappeared so completely that even Ella only knew so little of where she had gone.
And now, nandito siya. Nakaupo sa bar na ito at naghihintay.
Knowing Kairi could walk through that door at any second.
Knowing there was no way to predict how that would go.
Magagalit ba si Kairi? Tatalikuran siya? Ayaw na ba siyang makita nito?
Napalunok si Gianna.
Bigla niyang naramdaman kung gaano katuyo ang lalamunan niya kahit may hawak na siyang inumin.
Maya-maya, nagsalita rin siya.
"No," she admitted quietly. "I'm not fine."
Lumambot ang expression ni Ella.
There it was. The truth.
"You chose this," Ella said, her tone gentler now. "Pwede ka namang tumanggi."
Lalong humigpit ang hawak ni Gianna sa glass.
"I know."
Tahimik lang siyang tiningnan ni Ella bago marahang itinapat ang baso niya sa hawak ni Gianna, clinking their glasses.
"Then stay."
Simple as that. Wala ng pangungulit. Wala ng mga tanong pa.
And Gianna had already chosen. Hindi dahil ready na siya. At hindi rin dahil sapat na ang lumipas na panahon.
But because some stubborn part of her still wanted this, wanted the possibility of seeing Kairi again. Kahit ang ibig sabihin nito ay kailangan niyang buksan at alalahanin ulit ang lahat ng pilit niyang ibinaon sa loob ng halos tatlong taon.
Tahimik siyang uminom, saka muling napatingin sa entrance.
Still waiting.
Minutes later, the first guests started arriving.
Dalawang katrabaho ni Ella ang unang pumasok habang nagtatawanan tungkol sa kung ano man ang pinag-uusapan nila.
Medyo malakas ang boses nila kaya napalingon ang ilang tao sa loob.
Pagkakita nila kay Ella sa bar, agad silang ngumiti at lumapit.
Niyakap nila ang celebrant at sinimulang asarin about her age.
And after that, it didn't stop.
People kept coming.
Friends, cousins, and co-workers. Isa-isa silang dumating hanggang sa unti-unting napuno ang dating tahimik na bar ng mga boses, tawanan, at pag-clink ng glasses.
Dumating din ang ilang regular customers at naupo sa mga natitirang high chairs sa harap ng bar counter, kaya halos natabunan na ng ingay ng usapan ang music sa background.
Ella barely stayed in one place for longer than a minute. She was constantly being pulled away, hugging someone, laughing with someone else, introducing people, and thanking them for coming. Bawat ikot niya sa bar, iba na naman ang kausap niya.
By the time the back tables started filling, Gianna was left where she had been from the start.
Still at the bar. Still seated.
May ilang mutual friends na nakapansin sa kanya at lumapit para bumati, halatang nagulat na makita siya ulit pagkatapos ng halos tatlong taon.
May ilan ding katrabaho ni Ella na nakipag-small talk at minsan ay nilapitan pa siya ni Bea para maglagay ng panibagong drink sa harap niya, sabay tanong kung okay lang ba siya.
Gianna answered the same way every time, with a small smile, a polite nod, or a short reply just enough to keep the conversation going before it naturally moved on.
She was present. Nakikipag-usap siya. Pero wala talaga roon ang attention niya.
Because every time the door opened, her eyes moved toward it before she could stop herself.
Noong una, sinabi niya sa sarili na wala lang iyon. It was normal. New people were arriving. Of course, she would look. But after a while, she started noticing the pattern. Every sound of the door, every shift of movement near the entrance, her body reacted before her mind could catch up.
And every single time, it wasn't her.
Just another stranger. Another one of Ella's cousins. Another pair of coworkers.
Not her.
Then the door opened again.
And again.
And again.
Sa bawat pagbukas nito, kusa na namang napapatingin si Gianna. And every single time, mas lalo lang bumibigat ang pakiramdam sa dibdib niya.
Gianna let out a slow breath and hated herself for noticing.
Almost three years.
Tatlong taon ng katahimikan. Tatlong taon ng distansyang siya mismo ang gumawa. Tatlong taon na iniisip kung nasaan si Kairi, ano na ang ginagawa niya, at kung okay lang ba siya.
Pero hanggang ngayon, naaalala pa rin ng katawan niya kung paano maghintay. Kung paano umasa. At kung paano matakot.
Her thumb traced the rim of her glass absently, eyes fixed on the liquid na parang may maitutulong iyon para kumalma siya.
Pero wala. Kasi ang totoo, hindi niya rin alam kung ano ba talaga ang gusto niyang mangyari ngayong gabi.
Forgiveness, maybe.
Or anger.
Baka nga mas madali kung galit na lang.
Maybe closure.
Maybe just proof.
Proof na okay si Kairi. Proof that leaving had hurt her, but not ruined her.
Proof that Gianna hadn't taken too much when she walked away.
Across the room, Ella's laugh rang out over the crowd. It was loud enough to pull Gianna's attention for a second. She looked over and saw Ella surrounded by people at masayang nakikipagkwentuhan, halatang komportable sa gitna ng lahat.
For a moment, Gianna envied that.
The ability to move forward so easily. The ability to keep living.
Then—
Muling bumukas ang pinto.
At bago pa niya mapigilan ang sarili, kusa na namang napatingin ang mga mata niya roon.