Chapter 72
Kairi didn't stop walking until she reached the narrow side space beside the bar.
She couldn't keep going.
Napasandal siya sa pader bago pa bumigay ang mga tuhod niya.
Her palm pressed against the cold concrete while her other hand gripped the base of her throat, her fingers digging into her skin like she could force herself to breathe if she just held on tight enough.
Her chest rose too quickly, every breath shallow and uneven.
Kahit anong paghinga niya, parang hindi pa rin sapat.
Her whole body felt too tight, like everything inside her was pressing against itself with nowhere to go.
She wasn't crying.
At somehow, iyon pa ang mas nakakatakot. Mas madali pa sana kung umiyak na lang siya.
But no, this was panic. Raw and sudden, tearing through her so fast na hindi man lang siya naka-keep up sa sarili niyang katawan.
Behind her, footsteps rushed closer, then slowed.
"Kairi."
Zoe stopped a few feet away. One look at her friend and she understood this wasn't anger. Hindi ito ang in-expect niyang reaction matapos makita ni Kairi si Miss Herrera.
Kairi was falling apart.
Zoe stayed silent for a moment, letting her breathe through it. Hinayaan muna niyang humupa kahit kaunti ang bigat ng nangyari bago siya muling nagsalita.
"Do you want to leave?"
Dahan-dahang ibinaba ni Kairi ang kamay niya mula sa leeg bago siya tumingin kay Zoe.
"I don't know."
Her voice came out thin.
Napalunok siya bago napailing, dragging a hand through her hair. Then she covered her mouth.
"I don't know what I need to do, Zoe. I don't know what I want."
Unti-unting lumapit si Zoe. Slow enough not to overwhelm her, liike she was approaching something fragile that might shatter if she moved too fast.
"Okay," she said softly. "That's okay."
Kairi laughed then. The kind of laugh that sounded wrong the second it left her mouth. Unti-unti niyang ibinaba ang kamay niya at napatingin sa baba.
"This wasn't supposed to happen," mahina niyang sabi. "She wasn't supposed to be here."
Her eyes lifted toward the opening of the alley, kung saan rinig pa rin ang ingay mula sa bar.
"I wasn't supposed to see her."
Then something shifted in her expression.
"And Ella knew."
That landed differently.
Kairi pushed off the wall and paced once, dragging both hands into her hair hard enough to pull.
"Ella knew," she repeated, her voice rising. "She fucking knew!"
Hindi gumalaw si Zoe at tahimik lang na nakatingin.
"All those times," Kairi continued, turning back to her. "All those times I asked her kung may narinig ba siya. Kung alam niya kung nasaan siya. Kung may alam ba siya!"
Napatawa siya ulit.
This time, there was nothing but bitterness.
"And this?" she said, shaking her head. "This is how I find out?"
Naglakad ulit siya.
"Bakit ngayong gabi pa?"
"Ka—"
"Fuck."
Mahina lang noong una. Pero unti-unti iyong lumakas.
"Fuck!"
She kicked at the ground.
"Fuuuck!"
Her breathing turned uneven again.
This time, parehong kamay na ang napunta sa ulo niya, pressing against her temples.
"After years," she whispered. "After all this time...ganito pa rin ako?"
Napatingin siya kay Zoe.
"Am I seriously fucking falling apart right now?"
The question came out rough.
Lumapit pa si Zoe, close enough that she could catch her if she suddenly lost her balance.
"No, Kai."
Kairi let out another hollow laugh.
"Well, it feels like it."
"Nabigla ka lang," sabi ni Zoe. "That's all."
Umiling si Kairi.
"No."
Mas mahina na ang boses niya ngayon.
"I thought about this."
Zoe stayed quiet.
At nakatitig lang si Kairi sa sahig habang unti-unting bumaba ang mga kamay niya.
"I thought about seeing her again so many times," she said. "I thought about what I'd say. Kung anong gagawin ko. I thought about making her explain everything. I thought about telling her to leave. Hell, I thought about walking away and never looking back!"
Napalunok siya.
"But I never thought about how I'd actually feel."
She spoke more slowly now, like saying the words out loud made them heavier.
"I was okay, Zoe."
And she meant it.
Hindi man perfect. Hindi araw-araw.
Pero okay siya.
She had learned how to live around the pain. Natuto siyang dalhin iyon without letting it destroy her every day. Natuto siyang marinig ang pangalan ni Miss Herrera without feeling like everything inside her was breaking apart.
She had survived it.
She had built a life after it.
Pero seeing her? Actually seeing her?
It tore through all of that in seconds.
"It felt different, you know," Kairi whispered. "Hearing her say my name."
Napalunok siya.
"That got me."
Naramdaman ni Zoe ang paninikip ng dibdib niya. Tahimik lang siyang nakatingin kay Kairi.
After a long moment, nagsalita ulit si Kairi.
"And for one second..."
Huminto siya.
Then she forced herself to continue.
"When I looked at her..."
Her face twisted na parang nahihiya siya sa sarili niya sa susunod niyang sasabihin.
"I wanted to kiss her."
Zoe went still.
Napatawa ulit si Kairi and this time, it sounded even more broken. Agad din naman siyang napailing na parang gusto niyang bawiin ang sinabi niya.
"Isn't that fucking messed up?"
Namumuo na ang luha sa mga mata niya pero wala pa ring tumutulo.
"Gosh." Napapikit siya sandali. "What is wrong with me?"
"Nothing."
"After everything?" Kairi said, looking at her. "Pagkatapos niyang umalis? After I spent years trying to put myself back together?"
Her hands fell uselessly at her sides.
"And my first instinct was still her."
At doon naintindihan ni Zoe that this wasn't an unfinished anger. It wasn't just pain.
It was love that had never ended.
Matagal lang nitong natutunang manahimik.
After a long pause, Zoe quietly asked the one question neither of them wanted to touch.
"If she asked to talk...would you?"
Napatigil si Kairi.
Her face tightened almost immediately.
She opened her mouth, then closed it again. Napalingon siya sa ibang direksyon, as if the answer might be somewhere else.
It should've been easy. It should've been ano.
After everything, it should've been no.
But it wasn't.
And that terrified her.
"I don't know," she admitted at last, her voice barely holding together. "I hate that I don't know."
Tahimik ulit ang alley. The noise from the bar sounded distant now, like it belonged to another world.
Then may narinig silang yabag kaya pareho silang napatingin.
Ella.
Alone.
She stopped a few feet away, careful not to come any closer.
Her expression was tense.
She looked at Kairi first before speaking.
"Aalis na si Gianna."
Kairi felt her stomach drop.
Huminga muna si Ella bago muling nagsalita.
"But she asked me to tell you something."
Hindi niya inalis ang tingin kay Kairi.
"She said she'll stay if you want to talk."
The words settled between them. There was no pressure, no demand.
There was only a choice.
A choice that after all these years, was finally Kairi's to make.