Chapter 76
"I loved you."
Kairi forgot how to breathe.
For a second, everything around her blurred into nothing but those three words.
For years, she had imagined hearing them sa mga gabing hindi siya makatulog. During her lonely walks home. At sa lahat ng scenario na paulit-ulit niyang binuo sa isip niya tuwing naiisip niya kung anong mangyayari kung bumalik si Miss Herrera.
Minsan, naiimagine niyang maririnig niya iyon habang nagagalit ito. Minsan habang umiiyak. Minsan naman, she convinced herself she would never hear those words at all.
And yet here they were.
"Kairi," Gianna repeated quietly. "I loved you."
Walang kahit anong hesitation sa boses nito. Walang uncertainty.
Biglang uminit ang mga mata ni Kairi, tears immediately threatening to fall.
Ngayon lang tuluyang tumingin sa kanya si Gianna.
"That's why I left."
Nagsalubong ang mga kilay ni Kairi. The warmth that had begun spreading through her chest disappeared almost instantly, replaced by confusion.
"What?"
Parang may kung anong nabasag sa expression ni Gianna.
"You were my student, Kairi. I was supposed to protect you."
Namuo ang luha sa mga mata niya.
"And I failed."
Kairi stared at her, unable to move.
Gianna looked away again, her breathing slowly becoming uneven.
"That night..." she whispered, sounding as though every word hurt to say. "I knew. I knew what I was doing. I knew it while it was happening. Kairi, I knew it when you asked me not to stop."
Tuluyang nabasag ang boses niya.
"And I still couldn't stop."
"Miss-"
"I still couldn't stop."
Doon na tuluyang bumagsak ang mga luha niya.
Kairi immediately shook her head. "Miss Herrera, no."
Nanginginig na rin ang boses niya ngayon.
"No."
Bahagya siyang yumuko, her eyes already burning.
"I wanted that, Miss."
Gianna didn't answer.
"I wasn't pressured. I wasn't confused."
"Kairi..."
"I knew what I was doing."
Ngayon lang muling tumingin si Gianna sa kanya and there was so much pain in her eyes that Kairi felt something twist painfully inside her chest.
"You shouldn't have been carrying that."
Muling napakunot ang noo ni Kairi. "What does that even mean?"
"It means I should've been the one thinking clearly."
Another tear slipped down Gianna's cheek.
"Yes, you were eighteen. But I was still your teacher. And I should have been stronger."
May kung ano na namang kumirot sa loob ni Kairi.
For years, she had protected the memory of that night. Iningatan niya ang bawat pag-uusap nila, every shared silence, at bawat sandaling naging mahalaga sa kanilang dalawa.
Whenever she looked back, she remembered warmth and understanding. The feeling of finally being seen by someone who understood her.
She had never once looked back with regret.
Never.
And now, Gianna was carrying those same memories as though they had become the biggest mistake of her life.
"So what?" Tumaas ang boses ni Kairi bago pa niya ito napigilan. Namumuo na rin ang luha sa mga mata niya. "So what does that make me? Huh, Miss?"
Gianna met her gaze.
"Was I just a mistake?"
"No."
Agad lumambot ang expression ni Gianna.
"Kairi, you were never a mistake."
Nanlabo ang paningin ni Kairi.
"Then do you regret any of it?"
Gianna let out a trembling breath bago dahan-dahang umiling.
"No."
A tear escaped despite her efforts to hold it back.
"But that's the problem, Kairi."
Humina ang boses niya.
"I don't regret knowing you. I don't regret every conversation we had. I don't regret the afternoons we spent talking about books, the coffee we shared, or seeing you smile in class."
A shaky laugh escaped her.
"Those memories are still precious to me. And that's exactly why I had to leave."
Mas lalong kumunot ang noo ni Kairi.
"If I stayed," bulong ni Gianna, her voice breaking again. "I would've kept convincing myself na somehow, everything would work out. I would've kept finding reasons to ignore the boundaries that were already disappearing."
Sandali siyang natahimik bago muling nagsalita.
"But eventually, you would've grown older. You would've had your own life, your own future. And I kept thinking..."
She swallowed hard.
"What if one day you looked back at ma-realize mo na you'd spent years carrying something that should never have been yours to carry? What if someday you blamed yourself because I didn't have the courage to make the difficult decision? What if I became the reason you lost opportunities you deserved?
"
"Miss..."
Napapikit si Gianna.
"Kairi, I was supposed to know better. I was supposed to protect you."
Lalong nanlabo ang paningin ni Kairi.
Because suddenly, she understood-not enough para mawala ang sakit, but enough to finally see the weight Gianna had been carrying all those years.
Gianna had never left because she regretted loving her. Umalis siya dahil minahal siya nito nang sobra.
And at some point, nakumbinsi ni Gianna ang sarili niya na leaving was the only way she could protect Kairi.
That realization hurt even more because it meant all those years of lonely nights and unanswered questions, they had both been suffering in silence.
Pareho nilang inisip na they were protecting the other person. Pareho nilang inakalang iyon ang tamang gawin.
Their love had been real.
Pero sa mga mata ni Gianna, the boundaries they had crossed remained something she would always carry with regret. For years, she had treated those choices as a burden she deserved to bear alone.
Muling ibinaba ni Gianna ang tingin niya. Ilang segundo rin siyang nakatitig lang sa kanyang mga kamay bago siya tuluyang nagsalita.
"I almost came back."
Bahagya na namang kumunot ang noo ni Kairi.
Gianna let out a soft, humorless laugh. "The next day, I was already in my car. I drove halfway back."
For the first time since they started talking, she looked almost embarrassed by her own confession.
"Sinabi ko sa sarili ko na I just needed to see you one more time. Just once. I thought maybe I could explain things properly."
Another bitter smile crossed her face.
"I even rehearsed what I wanted to say. Pero hindi ko nagawa."
Kairi could only stare at her.
For years, she had imagined Gianna leaving without looking back, without hesitation, and without caring enough to wonder what she had left behind.
And now, ito ang maririnig niya?
"On your graduation," Gianna continued softly. "I was there."
Muling natigilan si Kairi.
The river seemed to disappear, pati ang hangin, at ang distant sounds ng mga taong dumadaan.
"What?"
Gianna swallowed hard.
"I stayed outside, parked across the street. I saw everyone arriving. Students taking pictures. Families carrying flowers."
Her breathing gradually became uneven.
"I saw your family's car. But I couldn't go in. I stayed there for almost an hour and I still couldn't make myself walk through those gates."
Nanlaki ang mga mata ni Kairi.
Naalala niya kung paano niya hinanap ang isang taong alam niyang hindi na darating. Every time she looked into the crowd, may parte pa rin sa kanya na umaasang baka mali siya.
"Sometimes Ella would post photos too," pagpapatuloy ni Gianna matapos ang mahabang katahimikan. A faint smile appeared on her face, sad and filled with longing. "Birthdays. University events. Even random pictures with Zoe and Maya."
Unti-unti niyang itinaas ang tingin kay Kairi.
"I'd look at every single one. And every time, I just wanted to know you were okay."
Biglang tumayo si Kairi. "No."
Napatingin agad si Gianna sa kanya.
"Hell, no."
Umiling si Kairi habang namumuo na naman ang mga luha sa mga mata niya.
"You don't get to do that, Miss Herrera. You don't get to tell me all of this now!"
"Kairi-"
"No!"
Mas lumakas ang boses niya.
"You decided everything for me. You decided leaving was the right thing, na I'd eventually understand. Miss, you decided I didn't deserve a goodbye!"
Ang bawat salitang lumabas sa bibig niya ay lalong bumigat.
"You made every decision by yourself."
Natahimik si Gianna.
Hindi siya umimik. She couldn't.
Galit na pinunasan ni Kairi ang mga luha sa pisngi niya.
"For years, akala ko you didn't care enough to stay. I thought I wasn't enough. I spent years trying to figure out kung anong nagawa kong mali."
Another tear slipped down her cheek.
"And all this time..."
Tumingin siya nang diretso kay Gianna.
"Bumalik ka pala. You were at my graduation. Miss, alam mo kung anong nangyayari sa buhay ko and I never even knew."
Ibinaba ni Gianna ang kanyang tingin.
There wasn't an explanation left that could undo the years between them.
Kahit anong sabihin niya, hindi na nito maibabalik ang mga taon na nawala sa kanilang dalawa.
Humina na ang boses ni Kairi.
"Miss, if you really loved me," Kairi continued, her lips trembling. "Why didn't you trust me enough to stay?"
Umiwas ng tingin si Gianna, her hands trembling slightly in her lap.
For a long time, she said nothing.
Then, finally-
"Because I didn't trust myself."
Slowly, she met Kairi's eyes again.
"There wasn't anyone else. It wasn't because of what happened. It wasn't because of work. It wasn't because of you."
Huminga siya nang malalim, trying to steady herself.
"It was me. Natakot ako that if I stayed, I would've kept convincing myself that leaving could always wait until tomorrow. So I ran."
Isang malamig na hangin ang dumaan sa pagitan nilang dalawa.
Then, suddenly-
Tumawa si Kairi. Isang broken at pagod na tawa ang lumabas sa kanyang bibig.
"Miss, I hated you."
Napapikit si Gianna. She had expected those words long before today.
"I hated you for leaving. I hated you because I couldn't understand why. And I hated myself dahil pagkatapos ng lahat..."
A shaky laugh escaped Kairi.
"I still missed you."
Muling bumagsak ang katahimikan sa pagitan nilang dalawa.
When Gianna finally looked up, tears were already running down her own face.
She understood. Naiintindihan niya ang galit ni Kairi. The unanswered questions. Every lonely year they had spent believing different versions of the same story.
Kairi turned her gaze toward the river again bago muling nagsalita. Mas mahina na ang boses niya this time.
"I don't know what to do with you anymore."
Those words hurt more than anger ever could because they had finally told each other the truth.
Because after nearly three years, Kairi still didn't know where Gianna belonged in her life.
Hindi niya alam kung saan niya ilalagay ang lahat ng sakit, gratitude, unanswered questions, and memories that survived everything.
Dahan-dahang pinunasan ni Gianna ang mga luha sa kanyang pisngi.
"You don't have to do anything," she said quietly. "And you don't owe me forgiveness."
May pagod sa boses niya na parang matagal na niyang tinanggap na maaaring hindi siya mapatawad ni Kairi.
"Hindi ako bumalik expecting anything. I just didn't want you to spend the rest of your life believing I left because I didn't care."
Isa na namang luha ang dumaloy sa kanyang pisngi.
"That was never true."
Natahimik si Kairi.
Because that, more than anything, had been her deepest wound.
Ang tagal niyang pinaniwalaan na hindi siya sapat para piliin ni Gianna na manatili. Na hindi siya nito minahal. Na ang dali lang pala niyang iwan.
At ngayon, alam na niya ang katotohanan.
Na minahal siya ni Miss Herrera.
She had loved her deeply enough to destroy herself with it. Enough to walk away from the person she loved.