Chapter 10
TEN
Posydiann
I studied the pale white wall, then looked at the blue paint I had just finished mixing.
In the last few days I had taped, mudded, and sanded the walls.
Then last night I primed. It was ready to be painted, a step I never thought I’d get to, yet here I was staring at it like I hadn’t chosen it months prior.
Fuck! Everything was so out of sorts in my mind these days.
My eyes moved around the room, locking briefly on the let-out, blanket, and pillow in the corner.
I’d been here since Junior's game. We’d gone out to eat at a popular pizza spot to celebrate the victory.
What was fucked up was the entire time we were there, I couldn’t focus.
My mind was shot, and no matter how much I tried to blame it on everything I had going on, it all fell back to her.
I hadn’t slept fully since she left because the entire space I called my own may as well have belonged to her.
Seeing her at the game that night threw me.
I damn sure hadn’t expected to see her, but who was I kidding.
Regardless of what I said to her, she wasn’t the type to punish my son for me. Her heart didn’t beat that way.
When I came here that night, I got some work done, then funnily enough I fell right asleep.
The first night wasn’t on purpose, but every night afterwards was.
I was able to get halfway decent rest here because she hadn’t been here yet.
I hadn’t experienced it through her eyes because I wanted her to see it after it was done and see more in me.
I closed my eyes, pushing thoughts of her to the back of my mind because I needed to.
But the moment I tried, I was flushed back into the moment I watched her walk away from me yet again and didn’t go after her.
After Junior’s game I couldn’t take seeing the sadness and uneasiness in her eyes, so I began to descend the bleachers going to her, but she must’ve felt me because she turned to leave quickly, rushing out of the gym.
By the time I got to the hallway outside the gymnasium, she was already at the doors. Her little ass had to have run. I called out to her twice before she stopped, and I thought she was going to turn around, but she didn’t. She only stopped for a split second, then rushed out of the door.
I shook my head, tired of this shit. Before I knew it, I had my phone in my hand. I dialed her number. Hell yeah I knew that shit by memory because I had found myself about to dial it several times, but I bitched out.
Deep down I knew she’d choose me, but what type of nigga would I be to make her choose? The nigga who couldn’t fucking live without her, even though I had every intention of doing some fucked up shit. Selfish.
I closed my eyes, listening to the phone ring.
Then she answered. “No Posydiann.” No pleasantry in sight, just a voice and the indication that she was drained.
“I love you, Syn. But you don’t know everything. It ain’t enough.” I blurted that shit out before I could even catch myself.
She sighed into the phone. “Don’t tell me what I know.
I’m aware you made a decision for me instead of talking to me.
I’m aware you broke me when I begged you to leave me alone at the risk.
So, no Posydiann. You don’t get to call and make it all better.
I’m done and I’m doing what’s best for me from now on.
” She sounded like she was crying, which made me tighten my grip on the phone.
“What the fuck do you mean by that?”
“Exactly what I said. Goodbye, Posydiann. I’m sorry I came around when you asked me not to. I just couldn’t let Junior down. It won’t happen again.” Then she hung up the phone before I could say anything else to her.
I pulled the phone away from my ear and clicked her number again. The call went straight to voicemail. The next one did the same.
I was pissed, so pissed that I threw my phone across the room. It shattered into several pieces after making contact with the exposed brick on the north wall of the room.
“Fuck!”
What the fuck did she mean by doing what was best for her?
I was snapped out of my thoughts by a knock at the door of the restaurant.
Then my phone, or what was left of it, began to ring.
I didn’t bother picking it up but instead moved toward the front.
I was about to grab my piece from the bar when I locked eyes with Killah through the glass. He and Kal were standing there.
I moved toward the door and unlocked it, allowing them in.
“Yo, where the fuck is your phone? I called you three times.” Killah walked in followed by Kal.
I didn’t respond, instead locking the door behind them.
Killah moved around the bar, setting down white Thank You plastic bags. He pulled out the three containers, placing one in front of Kal, one for me, and the other in front of himself.
“You gotta eat, bro. Ma Dukes and Grams is calling me. Not to mention we boutta go handle business so I need your focus and none of that short-tempered caveman shit you are carrying with you right now,” Killah said before I could tell him that I wasn’t hungry.
Ever since he came back from vacation, he had been all in my shit, on some older brother motion, getting on my nerves.
I didn’t say anything. I just nodded, grabbed a stool, and pulled it up to the bar then began to eat.
For the most part, everything was silent.
The entire time I ate, my mind ran rampant.
Mentally going over everything Karsyn said.
She didn’t play games, she said things plain but there was always another side to her words and she always meant them.
She wasn’t crazy enough to fuck with another nigga.
Couldn’t be and I didn’t give a fuck that we were broken up.
“Aight, so I been fucking with this little chick who works in City Hall. Says she’s gonna tell me when the mayor comes back from his little tax dollar paid vacation.
So, she did. He’s back in office today, and in about an hour and a half, he’ll be in his office for the rest of the day after the community members committee finishes tearing him a new one,” Kal said.
I nodded.
When we finished eating, we left the restaurant.
I requested to make a pitstop, because even though I was going through some things, I couldn’t be walking around here without a phone.
I walked into the phone store, told them mine was broken, and requested another one while also opening another line on my account.
Ol’ boy tried to tell me to do an insurance claim and all that good shit, but I had stopped paying for insurance years ago.
I knew they really didn’t help you in the end.
It was just another way for the phone companies to get a couple extra dollars out of you.
“Who’s the line for?” Killah asked, his usual nosy ass self.
“The motherfucker who just blocked me.”
“How are you buying a phone for somebody who just blocked you?”
“Because a motherfucker ain’t gonna block me on shit I pay the bill on.” I watched ol’ boy walk over with both of the smartphone boxes and a bag.
He laughed, then pointed to his forehead. “Glad to know you’re thinking smart, not hard.”
I shook my head at his stupid ass before accepting the bag from the sales associate.
“Mr. Murphy, do you need help setting it up?”
I shook my head. “Nah, I’m straight.” That was the type of stuff I had Junior do. He was good with all the technology.
Once I had the bag in hand, we left the store, joining Kal in the car. I was ready to get this shit over with.
The ride to City Hall was silent on my part while Killah and Kal talked up front. I was in my head, overprocessing. I had to keep reminding myself why I was in this, why every step I made felt so fucking heavy.
No matter what phases I went through coming up, I never felt like I was losing myself, like I was losing parts of me that made up the whole.
When Unc died, that shit hit me like a ton of fucking bricks, but she was there.
She was a crutch in ways I never knew I needed, but now here I was.
Who was my crutch to losing her? Not a motherfucking soul because losing her wasn’t an option.
I acted off emotion and overprocessed that shit with her father.
I was still overprocessing, but something in me knew I wasn’t losing her, no matter how fucked up all this shit was.
She didn’t even sound the same. Shit, neither did I. I was out here moving like a straight fucking coward, afraid of not being chosen like a bitch, so I was holding back. Karsyn belonged to me, but if that was a fact, what the fuck was I doing?
Pissing in the wind and getting the shit back on me.
I walked into the mayor’s office like it was mine. I even took a seat at the edge of his desk like it belonged to me. Winston looked petrified, eyes jumping from me to Killah then to Kal who took it upon himself to look around the office.
“I don’t think we had an appointment today,” he said, looking me square in the eyes.
I shook my head. “Nah, we didn’t. I went ahead and penciled myself in.”
“Can I help you gentlemen?” he asked, attempting to seem unbothered, but his eyes told on him.
“Hmmm. You can help him. I’m just here for moral support,” Killah said, taking a seat in the chair right in front of his desk.
“Yo, you got cleaning supplies in here?” Kal asked, now opening cabinets and drawers.
Winston jumped. “No, they're in the closet out front.”
I laughed at him answering the question.
Kal went out of the door, to find the supplies I guessed.
Winston jumped when Kal passed him, petrified. “What do you need, Posydiann? Anything, I just don’t wanna die.” He had his hands in the air at this point.
“What I need,” I repeated, pushing off his desk and moving toward the windows. “What I needed was for you to tell me a motherfucker was gunning for me. What I needed was for you to remember where the fuck you came from.”
“He didn’t tell me who. He just said he wanted Watertown.”
“Ain’t that all you, bro? Motherfuckers open a dictionary, look up Watertown, and I’m pretty sure it’s a picture of this nigga standing next to the sign. So, that’s bullshit.” Killah shook his head.
“Yo, you’re Black. What the fuck you letting them use off brand cleaning supplies for? Where the fuck is the Clorox?” Kal returned holding all types of white spray bottles. He dropped them all on the desk.
Winston was seconds from pissing his pants if he hadn’t already done so. “I don’t know, I swear.” Winston’s attention and eyes were on me.
“How much of this rug do you think I’ma need to roll his big ass up?” Kal then asked, pointing from one end of the carpet to the other.
“I swear I can make this right, Posydiann. I swear I can.”
“And how are you gonna do that?” I crossed my arms over my chest.
“I’ll tell you who set it up.”
“Charles Curr,” I responded easily.
His eyes ballooned. He didn’t expect me to know that.
“Well ,did you know he used the NorthRiders to bait you?”
“Seems like I know everything you know, so you’re no longer serving a purpose.” I threw my head back as if I just had that epiphany.
“Come sit your ass on this floor, so when I shoot you I don’t have to worry about the mess since y’all got these cheap ass cleaners.” Kal pointed to the middle of the carpet.
Winston stood immediately, hands up, looking at me. Then he began to speak fast. “Phase two of his plan is to take over Watertown. Since baiting you didn’t work, he’s working with the incoming police chief here to bring in extra manpower and shut down your blocks. Random raids on your businesses.”
“You’re still not proving your worth, Winston.”
“He’s out of town right now. But he’ll be back this week for a wedding. Someone in his family is getting married and he stands to make a bunch of money off it.”
“And you still have a direct connection to him, correct?” I held my hand up for him to stop moving.
He nodded, sweat slathering his face profusely.
“Good. Prove your fucking worth. The next time you talk to him, I wanna talk to you. And these niggas may fuck with you because you’re in this office for now but remember how you survived long enough to get here.
Consider who lives in that little blue house on River and Hollis.
Just because it ain’t Watertown doesn't mean it ain’t untouchable. ”
“Okay. Okay. I’m sorry, Posydiann. This will never happen again.”
“Better not because I ain’t never been to a mayor’s funeral. You think they’re open to the public?” Killah asked as he stood to his feet.
“Probably not. You know they be tryna protect their after-death images. Niggas don’t want a baby mama or side chick coming in there airing his ass out. Can’t defend himself if he’s dead,” Kal responded, moving toward the door.
“Yo, you’re right.” Killah straightened his jeans, walking behind Kal.
After we left Winston’s office, I had them drop me back off at the restaurant but I didn’t go in.
Instead, I hopped my ass in my truck and went home.
I’d been on some MIA shit when I had a whole ass son waiting on me.
My personal messes were no excuse. My son needed me present, especially when it seemed like his mother wasn’t coming back.
When I walked into the house, I spotted Junior seated on the couch, TV on, watching him while he focused on his phone.
“What’s up, Pops?” he greeted.
“Nothing, you good?” I asked, rounding the sectional to take a seat.
“Yeah. Are you okay?”
I nodded. “Tryna be.”
“You love her, don’t you?” he asked out of nowhere.
“Love who?” I asked, looking him over.
“My stepmom.” Lil nigga wasn’t budging with what he called her.
“Yeah, but that doesn't matter. Things are all fucked up,” I responded honestly.
“Then fix it. You taught me that a man admits his wrongs and always finds a way to make up where he may fall short. Handle your shit, Pops, ’cause also, your cooking ain’t it.”
“Language, lil nigga, and I hear you.”
We talked for a little longer, his words echoing in my head. The fact that my teenager was out here giving me advice was simply fucking maddening but he made more sense than anything.