Chapter 22
CHAPTER 22
Holden
Five years ago…
Katherine’s birthday came and went with no return calls or texts.
Christmas passed by with no acknowledgement of the gifts I mailed to her parent’s house.
On New Year’s Eve, she didn’t answer my Facetime call at midnight.
Without her in my life, my drinking had gotten excessive. Which was saying something since I wasn’t exactly sober in the first place.
I arrived back at my condo on January 3rd to a full blown party that seeped into the following day and night. Monday morning, I somehow managed to peel myself off the floor of my bathroom where I’d spent the night hugging the toilet and turned on my computer to the add-drop section of the school’s website.
Katherine may refuse to speak to Holden. But she can’t avoid Remy.
That afternoon, still hungover, I made my way to Turner Hall and entered the doors of the theater two minutes past the hour.
The door slammed behind me and the entire class startled, turning around to see me there in the doorway.
McCay on the other hand, didn’t seem surprised at all. “Mr. Dorsey. Are you in or out?”
“I’m in,” I growl, my voice sounding like I swallowed a fistful of dry rice.
I’m so fucking in.
“Then come have a seat,” she said, gesturing to the rows of audience seats. As I made my way down the aisle, I recognized most of the people in our class from Method 101 and there were even a few new faces.
I passed by plenty of open seats until I came to the front row where Katherine was sitting. Next to Nate.
And only one free seat to her right.
I plopped down next to her, watching as the muscle in her jaw jumped.
“As I was saying,” McCay said. “There’s a little change for the Kennedy Center performance in January. We’re no longer doing Keith’s version of Remy and Julie. We’re going to perform the classic Romeo and Juliet. Same exact blocking. Same costumes. Same tech. But with the classic lines. So you all only have less than a month to learn Shakespeare… you better get to work.”
Katherine’s hand shot quickly high into the air. “What happened to Keith?” She’s the only person brave enough to ask the question on everyone’s mind. Everyone but me, of course.
My gaze falls to the massive diamond on McCay’s ring finger.
Our professor drums her long, manicured fingernails against the iPad in her hands with a rhythmic tap-tap-tap-tap. “Nothing happened to Keith. He’s still around, but it’s a new semester and he’s been moved to TA a different class.”
Katherine’s eyes find mine for a brief moment and we share a knowing look.
It’s quickly interrupted by McCay. “Now, I want to work on the beginning monologue. Kate and Holden, please go into the dressing room and work on your first scene together with the new lines.”
The party scene.
I barely suppress my groan. Doing this show with Katherine and not being able to go home and kiss her and call her mine was going to be torture. It was torture I signed up for, but torture nonetheless.
But that’s why I was doing this. To win her back. To show her how sorry I am.
Are you sorry? A little voice in the back of my head said.
McCay might have set us up to sabotage Katherine’s audition.
Or I might have gotten there in the nick of time before anything happened. We’ll never know.
Kate pushed off the seat and stormed up the stairs, heading backstage to the dressing rooms.
I stood as well and followed her, feeling a little bit like a man being led to the guillotine.
As soon as we were alone, she whirled around, so suddenly, I stumbled back into the door. It slammed shut behind me, my back falling against it.
“What are you doing here?”
“Jesus Christ, Katherine!”
“Don’t call me that!”
A smirk teased my mouth. “I know you think highly of yourself, but you’re not Jesus Christ, our lord and savior.”
Her gaze narrowed and I swear if she could spew venom at me, she would have. “You know what I meant.”
“You can’t possibly mean that you don’t want me calling you by your name?”
“My name is Kate . And you know exactly what you’re doing.”
I took a deep breath. Jesus, I knew she’d be upset, but I didn’t think she’d be lethal. “What I’m doing is taking Method Acting 102. What I’m doing is fulfilling a promise to do the Kennedy Center performance.”
She folded her arms, staring me down with a hostility I hadn’t seen from her in a long time. Maybe ever.
“Cut the shit. You’ve made it clear you don’t care about Method Acting or this show. And you’ve already got your credits to graduate so what are you really doing here?”
I blinked, surprised at how casually she just cursed. “You said shit.”
Sure, she had told me to get the fuck out back at the hotel over winter break. But this felt different somehow. Cursing in the heat of the moment or once as a blip when you’re mad could be an accident. Casually dropping shit into your daily vernacular felt so very unlike the Katherine I’d come to know.
She rolled her eyes and spun away from me. “Yeah. Someone once told me that I should learn to curse like an adult.”
My heart squeezed. I knew I said that, but I didn’t like it now that I’ve heard her curse a few times like it was nothing. Because it didn’t feel like the Katherine I knew. This jaded angry girl wasn’t the person I met in September and fell for.
She was hardening and it was all my fault. Her soft, delicate skin was callusing and I was the abrasive catalyst that caused it.
If there was ever something I’d regret for the rest of my life… this was it.
“I’m sorry, Katherine. I really am. I’m sorry for bursting into your audition and ruining it. I’m sorry for yelling and making an ass out of myself. But please, can you try to see this from my perspective? McCay told me this guy had a reputation ? —”
“And you believed her?” Katherine stepped forward, lowering her voice to a whisper. “She’s a pathological liar who has seemed to make it her life’s mission to make my life a living hell!”
Again with the cursing. I couldn’t help but wince at hearing it which only made Katherine fume more. “Oh grow the fuck up, Holden. So I’m using four letter words finally. It’s not that big of a deal.”
Except it was. It was a very big deal. Because it meant I had fundamentally changed her.
Again.
It proved that I was no good for this girl.
Again.
And yet, I couldn’t stay away.
I just kept coming back, over and over again, and like a sociopath, I kept slicing away at this beautiful girl. Like a crazy person with a knife, I was stabbing into a masterpiece, ruining it with every plunge of my blade.
“It is a big deal,” I said quietly. “It’s a big deal because it shows apathy you didn’t have before…”
Before me.
“Yeah? Well at least I don’t smell like a fucking distillery. When was the last night you went without a drink, Holden?”
“I don’t get drunk every night.”
“That wasn’t my question.” She stepped forward, with a quiet, angry confidence. I barely recognized this Katherine standing in front of me today. She was fierce and angry and bitter. “When was the last time you went twenty-four hours without having a drink?”
She had me there. I couldn’t remember the last time I didn’t have at least a couple drinks. It had become part of my daily schedule, whether it was a beer at the end of the day or a bloody mary at brunch. I was leaning on alcohol to numb myself in the wake of Katherine leaving me. In the wake of my mother’s death.
“I can quit any time. I quit smoking cold turkey, didn’t I?”
Her scowl softened, if only for a moment. “I’m not sure that counts if you replace one addiction for another.”
In a rare display of tenderness, she reached out and took my hand. “I may be mad at you, but I still worry about you. And I still care about you.”
I gave her hand a squeeze as I exhaled a deeply relieved sigh.
She still cared for me.
That gave me… hope. Or something.
My chest rose and fell, releasing the tension that had been building in my body. Our bodies close together, I could see the slight flush on her cheeks and the crease between her eyebrows, signs of her worry and anger towards me.
I pulled her close to me, the warmth of our bodies pressing together. My hand tenderly cradled her jaw as I leaned in, my forehead gently resting against hers. Our breath mingled as our lips met in a soft, lingering kiss. The faint taste of her favorite cherry lip balm lingered on my lips, adding a sweet note to the intimate moment.
For a second, it was like before. A moment of pure and tender intimacy as our breaths became one and our lips explored each other in the soft, lingering kiss.
Her moan echoed in my mouth as I pulled her closer to me, deepening the kiss. Her lips parted and I seized the moment, gliding my tongue along hers.
When she wrapped her arms around my neck and twisted her fingers through my hair, I grunted and slid my hands down to the small of her back. Hoisting her up onto my hips, her ankles latched at the small of my back as our mouths moved together.
Frenzied and dizzy with lust, I maneuvered us to the makeup counter, never breaking contact. We collapsed in a tangle of limbs and lips, our hands roaming feverishly over each other. She sighed in pleasure as I trailed my lips down her neck, the back of her head hitting the mirror gently.
With a sharp tug, I pulled her button-down shirt open and she arched into me as my mouth found her nipple. I rolled her sweet, hard pearl over my tongue, sucking it like hard candy as her nails dug into my back.
God I missed her. I missed her touch, her taste, the intoxicating way she made me feel.
But we were in dangerous territory.
I knew I was bad for Katherine. I knew that I would probably end up hurting her again. But right now, any and all rational thought was overridden by intense desire.
"Holden, no." She gasped softly, trying to catch her breath. "I can't... I just can't..." Her cheeks were flushed, her lips swollen from the kiss. "We can't do this," she whispered, looking down at the floor.
I paused, stopping immediately and pulled her shirt closed for her. With my hand on her sternum, I could feel heart racing, slamming into my palm.
"Okay," I said, my voice hoarse.
I stepped back and looked away, running my hand through my hair in an effort to compose myself. “I’m sorry,” I said, ignoring the bitter taste in my mouth.
The room seemed too small for both of us after that kiss. The lights flickered above us, casting long shadows on the walls and making our breathing seem even louder in the deafening silence.
Katherine slid off the counter and melted into the chair next to it, taking a moment to calm herself.
I stared at Katherine for a long moment where she sat wringing her hands in her lap.
I took a deep, shaky breath, trying to keep my composure. Letting Katherine go would be the hardest thing I've ever done. I owed it to her to set her free. I owed it to her to walk away and allow her to move on. Find someone better suited to her. Someone who won’t keep scarring the beautiful canvas that was Katherine Harris.
But I couldn’t.
Because I loved her too much to walk away.
The thought swirled in my mind like a leaf caught in a gust of wind, refusing to be buried by the cruel, cold tempest of snow.
But I couldn’t deny it any longer…
I loved her. I loved Katherine.
Holy fuck.
The words echoed in my head, a mantra that I couldn't silence. They pulsed with the beat of my heart, sending shivers down my spine.
My mind raced as I struggled to comprehend the magnitude of my feelings. This was no mere infatuation or fleeting crush. No, this was a deep, passionate love unlike any I had ever experienced before.
How had I not seen it before? How had I been blind to this intense, all-consuming love? My mind spun with questions and doubts, but one thing remained certain: I loved her more than anything else in this world.
And I wasn’t walking away.
Not now.
Not ever.
I lowered to kneel in front of her, taking her hands in mine. "It doesn't matter how complicated it is or how long it takes to win you back," I said softly. "I love you. And I won’t ever stop trying to make this up to you.”
She looked up at me then, her bright blue eyes piercing through my defenses like an arrow through a butterfly’s wings. “You love me?” she repeated.
I nodded. “I love you.”
Nibbling her bottom lip, she seemed to consider this for a long moment.
She reached out and gently touched her knuckles to my cheek, her touch warm and reassuring. The weight of her silence settled in my chest, stirring up a whirlwind of emotions that I had long kept buried.
Then finally, she said, “I believe you love me. But I also need you to love yourself just as much.”
Before I could answer her, she stood up and walked out of the dressing room, pausing for a moment at the door.
“And I’m not going to stop fucking cussing. It’s kind of fun.”