NICOLE
I’d been a complete mess since leaving Callum’s office. Even now as I sat on my bed and stared out at the stars over Lake Michigan, I had no idea what had happened, or how. Back in Costa Rica, I’d tried following my sick mother’s advice to live a little by allowing my body and its raging libido to dictate my actions instead of my head which ended up with me in bed with Callum. At the time, I had no idea he was a teacher. I truly never thought I would see him again.
I’d wanted to stay in the present which was why I told him I lived in California and went to school there, too. I could’ve been honest and told him I was moving to Chicago, and from there, I might’ve been able to learn more about the man besides how big his cock was and how skilled he was at using it. I could’ve at least found out his last name which might’ve helped me when it came to registering for classes. But no. I had to act carefree for once, and now I was sexually attracted to my professor.
Any relationship between us, sexual or otherwise, was not allowed, and the forbidden aspect only made me want him more. The worst part was how his voice alone could turn me on .
“Arghhh,” I muttered in frustration as I fell back onto the bed.
I’d hear him talk in class, or see him look at me as if he wanted to devour me, and it would frustrate me to the point that I’d become a bitch just to keep his attention on me. I’d then spend the rest of the day imagining him bending me over the desk and even threatening to take a ruler to me as the nuns often did to the bad seeds at the Catholic high school I’d once attended. Only with Callum, I would picture him pulling my dress up like he had in his office to redden my ass before fucking me.
I also remembered how easily he commanded my body back in Costa Rica. I’d hear my sharp cries of pleasure echoing in my head as he made me come multiple times. Even back in his office, it took all I had not to beg him to fuck me one more time. Luckily for me, he wanted the same thing and I was able to goad him into taking what we both needed. Now, there was a sense of shame and regret hanging over me that I couldn’t shake it no matter how hard I tried. Callum had taken me against the door with far less finesse than that first night, and I was honestly surprised he hadn’t split me wide open.
I almost wished he had because the physical pain would drown out the emotional kind I was now feeling. The sound of my cell phone ringing jolted me out of this pointless agonizing I was doing and without even looking to see who it was, I answered it.
“Hello.” When a few seconds passed and I repeated myself without a reply, I began to get irritated. “If you’re not going to speak, I’m going to hang—”
“Don’t.” The single word had me scrambling into an upright position. I turned my cellphone to look at the display which only showed a local number. I quickly added a name to it and saved it to my contacts.
“What do you want, Professor? ”
I hadn’t meant to sound so bitchy, but I had no idea what he was doing calling me at home. A slight flush crept over me as I guessed one or two things he might want, and just like that, my body awakened once more. I was hot and bothered in a matter of seconds.
“I wanted to apologize for what happened earlier.” Well, that wasn’t what I thought he might want, and I forced myself to ignore the disappointment creeping up inside of me.
“There’s nothing to apologize for. We were two consenting adults.”
The line grew silent until he responded. “You’re right. Still, that’s not why I’d called you to my office.”
“I know,” I replied.
“I really am sorry. I said and asked some things that were not appropriate. I—”
“It’s okay,” I told him before rising from the bed and walking to the window. “I’ve been confrontational in class, so it’s my turn to apologize. I’ll refrain from being so argumentative in the future.”
“No. I welcome your perspectives on the book. I asked everyone in class for their thoughts, and that includes yours.”
Callum didn’t say anything else, and I had no idea where to take the conversation. There was an awkward silence, which was a direct contradiction to how we’d been at ayahuasca, then later at his beach house. At the spiritual retreat, the two of us seemed to talk a lot. We’d been very open with one another, but obviously not enough since neither of us were completely honest about certain things.
“Was there anything else?” I finally asked.
“I, uhh, I don’t think so. I just wanted to let you know that I apologize for everything. I shouldn’t have taken advantage of you.”
“But, you didn’t,” I tried to assure him to no avail .
“I’m in a position of power as your teacher, and I know better.”
This conversation felt like it was leading to a lecture, and I didn’t need to hear about how wrong it was to have sex with me. I knew it was wrong, yet I still wanted him anyway. Since learning about my mother’s cancer, I’d been going through the motions. Even in Costa Rica, I’d hung out with my friends and pretended to be happy when all I could do was worry about her diagnosis. It was only when I’d been in Callum’s arms that I experienced something to make me forget it all. He made me feel alive in a way that no one else ever had, and it sucked knowing I’d be reminded of that five days a week.
“I fully understand. I’d never do anything to put your career or my potential of one in jeopardy. You might be a Titan, but that doesn’t mean you’re infallible. I think if anyone could understand your world, it would be me. I—”
“I really like you,” he told me, cutting into my rambling.
“You do?” I asked, then mentally berated myself for letting the flare of hope come out in my voice.
I could almost hear the smile in his voice when he responded. “I do. God, I’d never imagined that I‘d see you again, so when I did...”
His voice trailed off and I had to know what else he was going to say. “Go on,” I murmured.
“I was torn between wanting to take you out on a date, or just picking back up where we’d left off in Costa Rica. I then realized where we were, and how fucked up fate is sometimes.”
“That’s the tricky thing about desire.”
“What is?”
I returned to my bed and laid back down before answering him. “People view desire as something romantic, but it’s actually the opposite. For example, take the beginning stages of desire and apply it to our situation. We had one amazing night, and when we reunited, that desire returned. We wanted something we really couldn’t have. If this was another moment in time, it might’ve been different. There was pleasure, then pain in knowing that it couldn’t last. In the book, Gatsby was fascinated with Daisy, and it’d turned from rivalry to conflict, then lastly misery before he was murdered. When you really think about it, desire repeatedly results in pain.”
“I understand why you might think that, Nicole. The truth is that the coin can be flipped. You can look at desire with negative connotations, but then you miss the freedom that can be found in it.”
“Spoken like a true Titan,” I told him as I smiled. “Most believe if they pursue their heart’s desire, then happiness will follow. Take my uncle for example. I was young, but I’d heard enough about him growing up. He’d desired women and developed quite a reputation until he realized he didn’t need any of them. Everything he’d ever wanted was right there in his grasp. Sometimes it’s necessary to separate romanticism from realism. In this book, those five couples I spoke of all went in search of true love by fueling their innermost desires. It led to heartache for all, except the two people who’d live the rest of their lives in a perpetual cycle of misery together.”
“So jaded for such a young soul,” he told me, and I let out a soft sigh.
“I’ve seen what desire does to those in our respective circles, and even if you’re lucky enough to find that elusive true love, it can’t last forever.” I only had to think about my mother to know how true that was. She and my father were the epitome of soulmates, but cancer threatened to take her from him. If it succeeded, my father would be a shell of himself.
You get no arguments from me there. I’ve taken up enough of your time tonight, Nicole. Good night.”
“Good night,” I murmured, then set my phone down beside me .
“Nicole,” I heard, and I snatched it back off of the blanket.
“Yes, Professor.”
“Callum is fine,” he told me before clearing his throat. “Would you like to have coffee or something with me sometime soon? You could fill me in on those Titans of yours.”
I smiled once more. “I’d like that, but wouldn’t it look odd for the two of us to be seen together off campus?”
“Yeah, I guess so.” His voice held the same notes of deflation that I felt.
“We’ll figure something out,” I assured him, yawning as the day’s activities were finally catching up with me. “Good night, Callum.” I then hung up the phone myself, cradling it against my chest.
I laid that way for what seemed like hours although it was only minutes. His words about the freedom that could be found in desire echoed in my head. I wished I had the freedom to take him up on his invitation. I wished for that and so much more, but the characters in ‘The Great Gatsby’ all found out the hard way that harboring desire would only lead to madness, grief, or both. With this relocation and my mother’s disease, I was already dealing with too much to even see if I was wrong about that.
My thoughts turned away from Callum, and I decided to call my mother. It was just after eight there in Los Angeles, and if she was feeling well, I knew she would be curled up in her reading room with a book. She was the very person who drew me to the novels that lined the walls there. She had everything from literary classics to smut, and I’d grown up reading most except the latter which she hadn’t let me do until I was much older. Even when I was too young to know what the words in books were, she’d read them to me.
I scrolled through my contacts and when I saw her picture, I hit the call button. Seconds later, she answered. “Nicole, I’m so glad you called. I thought you might be out with some of those new friends you’ve made in Chicago like that nice boy, Trevor—”
“Travis,” I corrected, then said for the second time today. “We’re just friends. So, how are you doing? Are you feeling better than yesterday?”
She assured me that she was, and I knew I could go to sleep with some sense of relief at that. When I asked her what she was doing, she told me that she was reading. I’d known it, and after crawling under the covers, I asked if she wanted to read to me, and she happily did. I heard multiple chapters until my yawning became more pronounced.
“You need to get some rest, Nicole. I love you and will talk to you in the morning.”
“Good night, Mama.” I then hung up the phone and removed my clothes. I could work more on unpacking in the morning. My mother was sounding a lot like her old self, and I had more memories with Callum to add to the others.