NICOLE
I’d been on the fence about even attending this event because I knew Callum would be there. For that matter, all of the Titans of Chicago would. There was no telling how he’d be around them because he even changed when around me. Yes, things between us were tense lately, especially his jealousy over my friendship with Travis. It didn’t matter how many times I’d assured him it was strictly platonic; the fact was that we could still not be seen together.
A perfect example would be tonight. He wanted me to attend this holiday charity event, and I had agreed to do so, but the two of us would have to act like literal strangers to one another until I was given the sign. And I knew it would include a suite at the Ritz Carlton because it was the venue for the party.
“I’m so tired of this,” I said to myself as I took a final glance at my reflection.
Is it too much to ask for a man who adores me the way Callum claims to, but with the ability to show it in more places than simply behind closed doors ?
I’d thought several times about ending things between us, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Every time I tried, the words would stick to the tip of my tongue. I’d take one look at him, and nothing else mattered. I was so completely and utterly in love, and it honestly sucked. My parents, as well as movies, made it seem so much more magical than it really was. In the beginning, the forbidden aspect of my relationship with Callum made it more exciting, but now it was simply exhausting.
The worst part was that I couldn’t even be certain it would ever be any other way between us no matter what the circumstances were. With me and this current arrangement, he could be the bachelor Titan living his best life, then come home to me and pretend as if it meant nothing to him. I’d been there during ayahuasca, and after hearing him speak, he didn’t sound like a man ready and willing to commit. I knew that, and figuring he would be the perfect fling, I’d let down my guard and accepted his party invite.
It now led to this sordid affair we were having, and the pain currently sitting like a weighted stone on my chest. This is what I had agreed to, however, so I had to keep pretending. As unhappy as the illicitness made me, this affair with him did serve a purpose. When I was with him, I was too consumed by the passion, and dare I say the desire, which left me unable to focus on my mother’s declining health. For brief, beautiful moments in time, I could actually feel something other than sadness, at least until he left. It was then I would feel it twofold. Tonight was setting up to be much of the same.
Will I ever be able to quit you? I didn’t even have to ask the question out loud because silence wouldn’t provide the answer I was currently seeking.
I let out a sigh, then turned my attention to my dress. I’d gotten it on the Magnificent Mile at one of the luxury boutiques. I was a little iffy about the length, but after putting it on, I realized the more leg I showed, the better. Why should I be the only one uncomfortable? I knew Callum would be focused on my toned legs because he loved to touch them. Whether he was rubbing his hands up and down them, or using his lips as he kissed along them, he never failed to deliver them attention. He especially loved to hike one leg up and fuck me hard, or throw both over his shoulders as he ate me out.
My lace panties were growing damp from the memories alone, and I forced them out of my mind. I stood in front of the mirror and focused on the dress. I’d often attended various charity and social events back home in Los Angeles. Not many here would recognize me as Logan Courtland’s daughter, but regardless, I still had the family name to uphold. Both my father and uncle were always photographed at these events. The two would wear custom tuxedos which would draw the attention of any female around. Then, there was my mother. She was always so stunning, her beauty and grace on display for all to see.
Realizing that she might like to see me in my dress, I grabbed my phone and snapped a few pictures of myself. I then sent them to her. Returning to the mirror, I ran one hand over the lace. The dress had a low cut sweetheart neckline, cinched waist, and asymmetric hem which paired perfectly with my blood red pumps in the same shade as the dress. It was also strapless which I knew Callum would appreciate because it would be much less work to get off of me. I had no doubt in my mind that we would end up in bed tonight, and the anticipation of it was the only thing stopping me from calling this whole evening off. I could sit here and veg out with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, and experience the same sort of shame in the morning.
I was about to grab my things and head to the event a little earlier than expected until my phone rang. I immediately knew from the ringtone who the caller was. I smiled as I answered. “Mama!”
“I just got your pictures and you look so beautiful. Where are you going all dolled up? ”
“Don’t you remember me talking about a holiday party to benefit one of the local children’s homes here in Chicago?”
I knew I’d mentioned it to her once or twice, especially when I had asked her opinion on dress color. It wasn’t usually like her to forget such things, but I knew the most recent round of chemotherapy had her pretty sick. It was another reason I’d not wanted to leave this last time until she’d insisted that I go.
“Of course, darling. I remember now. Are you going with that nice boy you brought out here to California?”
She meant Travis, so I exhaled softly. “No, Mama. We’re just friends and I didn’t bring him to Cali. He’s from there, and was in the neighborhood.”
“It’s a shame because he’s such a nice boy. I’m sure whoever you’re going with is going to love seeing you in that dress. I loved seeing you in it. I’m so glad you sent me those pictures. I miss you.”
“I miss you, too.”
“I only want you to be happy, Nicole. Whether it is Travis or someone else, just don’t get mixed up with one of those Titans. We trust you and your judgment.”
I almost scoffed at that considering my father had called Callum. I couldn’t let on that I knew, so I focused on her other words. At the mention of the Titans, I closed my eyes to ward off tears. If only she knew, she’d be so disappointed in me. I’m sure they’d love Callum once they’d gotten to know him as I did, but the odds of that day ever coming were getting smaller by the minute. And this was the exact time when I needed my mother and her wisdom the most. I needed her to lie to me by saying that even though things looked bleak, my future with Callum was bright. She couldn’t because I had to keep everything about him to myself. She’d always been my confidant, but even this was something I couldn’t ever tell her. Although I couldn’t upset her when she was so sick, a part of me was selfishly mourning the loss of that part of my mother while she was still here.
“Who’s your date?”
“Huh?” I asked, my mother’s question snapping me out of my feelings.
“Your date, Nicole. To look so beautiful, you need to have a man on your arm.”
“Oh, I’m actually going solo this time. I’ve been so busy with school that I haven’t really had much time to meet a lot of people yet. I—”
“I want you to take time away from your studies and enjoy Chicago. You’re young and should be hitting the nightlife, not cooped up inside with your head in a book. I worry about you being there all alone, and now that you’re telling me you haven’t even made any friends—”
“I have made friends, Mama. In fact, Travis is supposed to be there. I’m sure I will spend a lot of time with him.”
“Oh, I really like that boy. He comes from a good family. He also obviously cares a lot about you. A mother can see those things, and he’s looking at you as more than just a friend.”
And, I was honestly afraid of that. Callum and my father both claimed to see the same thing, but I’d written Callum’s concerns off as mere jealousy, and my father’s off as pure nosiness.
“He’s a wonderful friend, and I like him a lot,” I reassured her, then looked down at my cell phone. “I actually need to head out, but I’ll call you tomorrow to tell you all about my night. I love you, Mama.”
“I love you too,” she told me, then I disconnected the call.
It was mid November in Chicago, so the air had already started to grow cold. Unless I wanted to leave the party with pneumonia, I would need a jacket. I grabbed a long, front-buttoned blazer and put it on. The black coat didn’t clash with the red, and the two pieces paired so well together that many would likely think it was part of the same outfit. I picked up my small wallet and cellphone, then headed downstairs.
There were taxicabs in the area so it didn’t take long to catch one, and then I mentally tried to prepare myself for this event. The Halloween party had been a much different beast because I’d altered my hair color and worn a mask the entire time. While I was me, I wasn’t and that freedom had eased my roiling nerves so much. Dancing in Callum’s arms had also been great, but that couldn’t happen tonight.
A half hour later, I arrived at the venue. The ‘Who’s Who’ of Chicago’s high society was on full display. A number of Titans and other well-known men were out front, but I didn’t see Callum. I smiled as I walked past many of them, then hurried inside. The air outside was cold, and I didn’t need to get sick. I hoped to head back home for Thanksgiving and if I was even the slightest bit ill, it would certainly make my mother sick. Any illness could possibly kill her with her immunity down to nearly nothing between the cancer and chemo she’d been undergoing. I’d never forgive myself if I hurt her in any way.
“Miss Courtland.” I turned at the sound of his voice and ignored the butterflies fluttering in my chest.
“Professor Meyers,” I murmured.
Callum leaned in and when I felt something slide into my jacket pocket, I realized what it was. I stayed calm and smiled when he stepped back. “You look lovely this eve—”
“Is this your gorgeous date?” Lucy Davis asked as she walked up to us.
I froze, unsure of what to say. Callum harbored no such hesitation. “Date, no. This is one of the students in my Senior Lit class. ”
A pang sharply pierced my chest at the callous way he described me. I knew it was what he needed to say, but hearing him actually dismiss me as nothing more than someone he taught had me feeling ill. I kept the earlier smile on my face and added, “It was nice seeing both of you, but I think I’ve spotted my date. If you’ll excuse me.”
I hurried away despite the low growl I heard emanating from Callum. I was actually surprised my legs would even move, and I made sure to put as much distance between me and him as I could. Once fully surrounded in the ballroom, I stopped to find a corner to disappear off to. When one was finally located, I closed my eyes and only opened them when I felt the vibration of my phone against my thigh.
I retrieved it from my jacket pocket and I felt the small square card Callum had slipped into it out front. It was a hotel key card and the very thing that would bring us together tonight. I ignored it, as well as the goosebumps rising on my arms, and glanced down at my messages.
You’re so fucking beautiful. You have me so hard right now. I can’t wait until later when I can tear that dress off of you, then fuck you six ways to Sunday.
I blushed, then looked around to see if anyone was watching. I didn’t see anyone, so I began to type a response.
How will I know where to go?????
Room 4502. One hour.
Okay!
I placed my cellphone back into my pocket and remembered what he said about fucking me. Any past lovers I had were never vulgar, but Callum was. He loved talking dirty to me, and I ate it up. My mind often tried reminding me he wasn’t real and that what we had was nothing, but my body and most importantly, my heart, had other things to say about it. The way I responded to him, so wantonly and out of character from the previous me, had all to do with the fact that I was madly in love with the man. Most women craved those warm, fuzzy feelings they got from love, but I didn’t. It filled me with shame until he’d touch me, then everything would be ignored until I was alone once more.
I needed something to drink so when a waiter came by with a tray of champagne, I grabbed a flute and quickly downed it. I wouldn’t drink more than two because I didn’t want to be intoxicated. I was very much a lightweight when it came to alcohol, so anything more than a margarita and I would be done in for. Nights like tonight didn’t come around often, and the very chance to see him outside of my place called for restraint. I didn’t need liquor to make me feel drunk. The multiple orgasms he would give me would do that on their own.
I swapped out my empty glass for a full one, then pushed off the wall. I entered the crowd of partygoers and stopped when I saw one of the event organizers. I smiled as he stepped closer to me. “Good Evening, Miss Courtland. May I take your coat?”
“Thank you.” I pulled it off of me and handed it to him, then watched as he brought it to the back area which had been made into a makeshift coat closet for the guests.
I then looked down at my glass of champagne and was about to set it to the side when I caught Callum out of the corner of my eye. He was dancing with a woman, and one whose face I recognized, but couldn’t quite place. I stood there silently and prayed for the floor to open and swallow me whole, especially when I realized I was stuck in place. Rooted to that spot, I watched her lean in and whisper something to him, and how he threw his head back in laughter. Tears stung my eyelids and I closed my eyes to ward them off, as well as to erase the sight taking place right in front of my eyes.
I didn’t know how long I stood there, but when I reopened them, both Callum and the woman were gone. I remembered the champagne and downing this glass much like the first one, I then set it on a passing tray and rushed to the powder room. Once inside, I found an empty stall and quickly barricaded myself inside.
All I could see was that woman with my Callum, only he wasn’t mine. He would never be mine. Maybe hers, but never mine. She got to dance with him out in the open, while I was relegated to secret hookups in hotel rooms afterward.
Would Callum actually stay with me tonight? Or would he make an excuse and come back down here to take his date home?
I turned at that moment because I became violently ill. The images and scenarios playing in my head had me heaving out nothing because I’d been too nervous to eat today at all. I managed to throw up the champagne I had ingested before I left the stall. No one had been in here the entire time I was, so I hurried to the sink and tried to rinse my mouth out with cold water. It did little to help, so I spent the next several minutes just hiding in the corner.
Once or twice, another woman or two would come in, but they thought nothing of me standing there as I pretended to either be touching up my hair, or washing my hands. I spent what had to have been about a half hour or more inside before returning to the party. I didn’t want to stay any longer, so I went immediately for my coat.
I slipped into it and grabbed my cell phone before exiting the area. I’d gotten all the way out to the lobby when my phone vibrated in my hand. I looked down at the message.
I’ll be upstairs in a few minutes.
Just great . I’d hoped to slip out and go home, but he’d seen me after all. It shouldn’t have surprised me because he often noticed me even when I had no idea he was around. He’d talk about what I was wearing, or who I was walking to class with, yet I hadn’t even detected his presence. With my new plan foiled, I walked toward the elevator knowing I would revert back to my original one after all. More shame filled me, the heaviness creeping up on me like a vine, and if I wasn’t careful, it would suffocate me completely.
I made it to the room and when I took two steps inside, my feet turned to cement and I couldn’t move. I stayed that way for a few seconds before finally releasing everything in a hurried breath. This was a crossroads for us and our relationship. There was no need to lament over which road to take either because there was only one right option. There had always only been one right one.
I knew what I had to do. I regained my composure, and after removing my jacket, I walked to the window. The city was abuzz with people, even at this time of night, and the lights on the buildings glistened in the darkly lit sky. I loved these downtown views which were so different from mine.
A few tears started to creep slowly down my cheeks as I waited for him. Tonight, I had to end things with Callum, but not before I experienced the most pleasure I’d ever known for a final time. I needed something to look back on during what I knew would be many lonely nights ahead. As the moisture dried up on my face, I schooled my features into an impassible mask.