NICOLE
NICOL E
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA
The floor had officially opened up beneath me and I could do nothing more than stare as my mouth hung open in shock. “What!?” I asked, needing to hear it again.
“My cancer has progressed to the point where there’s nothing else that can be done for me,” my mother told us as we all gathered there together.
“What does that mean?” I asked, already knowing, but not accepting the truth until I heard a single word – hospice. I knew what it was, and the very thought of my mother having six weeks or less to live frightened me. What would I ever do without her? What would my father do without her? His reaction had been one of anger, and I suspected there was more to this than met the eye.
“When did you find out?”
“She found out two weeks ago,” my father answered, and I could practically feel and hear the seconds ticking away.
“What?” I hadn’t meant for it to come out as a sob, but it had .
“Why didn’t you tell us?” Nico asked. He was usually the strong one between us, and his silent strength usually helped me in times like this. Even he was angry, and I now knew why.
“But that’s not all, Isa. Is it?” We both looked at our father, then over at our mother.
“I’ve made the decision to not go through hospice. In fact, I’ve chosen to go the route of euthanasia. It—”
“What the fuck?” Nico said as he quickly stood up. “You put down a dying animal, not a wife and mother.”
“I can’t believe this,” I said right afterward.
My mother went on to explain how she’d wanted to spend one last Thanksgiving with the three of us, before taking the drug which would prematurely end her life. She was still very prideful, even in her last days, and I understood wanting to control her own destiny and not suffer anymore, but knowing I now had hours before saying goodbye to her hurt so bad. I’d come to California hoping I’d have this holiday and many more with my mother, only to find out that it’d be the last one ever.
Nico got upset and stormed out of the house, the revving motor of his Harley the only sound I heard before he sped out of the driveway. My father had known about this ahead of time, but he still hadn’t come to terms with it. I could see it in his dark eyes, and also in the way he hung his head. My mother was in tears, and I’d almost wanted to ask her if she was having second thoughts, but she’d answered my question without me even asking it.
“I’ve given this a lot of thought, darling. I’ve tried my best to put on a brave face for you and your brother. Your father sees how much pain I’m in, and he’s going to need you to be strong. I’m going to need you to be. There’s no chance I’ll ever get better, so it’s best to die with dignity rather than suffer incessantly, and put you all through the pain of watching me slip away. I’ve read up on how it is to transition and the most unselfish thing I can do is to spare all of you from watching me as my organs shut down while I gasp to breathe until I finally take my last one and depart this earth.”
And that was that. She made a decision and there was no talking her out of it. Thanksgiving was a bittersweet day. We normally had a large catered meal brought in which we’d eat, then lounge around with another until that night when we’d decorate the tree together. This year, it was all different. Nicolai came in around four in the morning, and I’d only known because I was unable to sleep and staring at my phone willing Callum to call me. Of all the times I needed him, now was it. I’d broken things off with him, though. He had no reason to check up on me when I wouldn’t give him the time of day prior to. Somewhere in my foolishly na?ve heart, I’d hoped he would sense my need and do so anyway. He didn’t.
I was a zombie throughout most of the day, until exhaustion finally claimed me and I dozed off downstairs for a nap. A few hours later, I was awakened by my mother. She seemed to be in very high spirits which had falsely given me hope that she’d change her mind. The happiness witnessed was just because she wanted one of her dying memories to be of the four of us decorating the Christmas tree like we did each year.
My brother and father had gone out and picked up the largest, and fullest, Fraser fir tree I’d ever seen. We then spent hours placing every ornament on it, including the ones we’d made as children, and the ones which represented places we’d gone as a family. I hadn’t even seen this box of stuff in years, because in prior years, my mother had gone with a more classical theme which consisted of large, round, teal balls and clear lights. This Thanksgiving would be different. It was a nod to the past, and at some point in time, all of us had shed a tear or two .
We capped off the special night with eggnog and hot chocolates, then watched some of my mother’s favorite movies with her. All of us were exhausted by two AM when we finally called it a night.
Again, it was a fitful one for me with sleep evading me completely. I’d look like an extra on The Walking Dead if this kept up, but I knew today it’d be over. When the sun began creeping in through my curtains, I finally got out of bed. After showering and returning a text message declining Black Friday shopping with Travis, I joined the others.
I was completely numb, even a day later. Yesterday was Thanksgiving, but it felt like anything but. Since Wednesday when I’d arrived in Los Angeles, a dark cloud had hung over me, and for once, it had nothing to do with Callum. God, how I wished I could hear his voice right about now, even if it was to tell me that I’d get through this. At the moment, I wasn’t too sure I would. The craziest thing was that I was taking this the easiest out of everyone else, yet I was completely shattered inside.
My steps were heavy and slowed considerably, the dread and fear setting in. I more resembled a prisoner being led to his execution, rather than a daughter who was about to say goodbye to the single most important person in her life. The tears I’d wanted to keep at bay began to fall, and I was quickly enveloped in my brother’s arms as soon as I walked into the room my mother chose to take her last breath in. This particular en-suite was usually reserved for guests, although I doubted we’d see any of them after this. My father might’ve been a Titan, but he hated people. If he wouldn’t have had that title, he’d live his life as a recluse and be perfectly content for the rest of his days.
My mother looked at the three of us, then asked to speak to my brother first. My father and I left the room, and my heart broke for the man who’d always been my hero. He hadn’t said a word the entire time, and even when I moved closer to him, he just pulled me into his arms and continued his silence. I took the comfort he could give, and waited until my mother had finished with Nico. He was visibly upset and the fact that he didn’t bolt from the house like he had a few days ago let me know that she had to have asked him to stay. He’d never refuse our mother her dying wish.
I went next, and when I closed the door, something struck me about my mother. She was completely made up, and wearing one of her favorite dresses. I’d thought she would simply throw her dark mane up into a ponytail, and be in some sort of nightgown, but she looked as if she was ready to hit one of the black tie events I’d last been to with Callum. Her hair was pinned atop her head, and kept in place with jeweled barrettes I knew belonged to her own mother. Her lips were painted dark red, and the cosmetics actually added color back to her sullen cheeks. She was simply so beautiful, and it wasn’t fair. Life was about to take her from all of us when she still meant so much.
My mother patted the spot in front of her, then asked me to sit. I did, but not as she liked. A few seconds later, I was transported back in time as I sat in front of her while she ran a brush through my hair. This was one of my fondest memories as a child, and the tears I had nearly kept at bay before started to fall, one after the other, until I was sobbing openly. Other than a few words of comfort, my mother just continued to brush my hair as I cried. I had no idea how long that actually was, but when I hiccuped on the final sobs, I then forced myself to calm down.
“My beautiful darling,” she said, and even if she looked like the mother I once remembered, the hoarseness of her voice reflected the pain she was under, bringing me crashing back to reality once more. “Everyone says that you’re a spitting image of me, and that’s always brought me great pleasure to hear. You were the light of my life from the moment I’d first looked into your eyes. Over the years, you’ve made me so incredibly proud to not only know you, but to love you. There’s so many milestones I wanted to be here for, but it wasn’t meant to be. Although I won’t be here in person to see you get your diploma at graduation, walk down the aisle at your wedding, or see you bring your beautiful children into this world, know that I’ll be here in spirit.”
“Mama, I—”
“No, let me finish, darling. Logan and Nicolai might be Titans, but you my dear girl, are the strongest one of us all. You’re the glue that holds everyone together. Your brother and father are going to need you more than ever in the upcoming days, weeks, and possibly years. I’m going to need you.”
“Anything,” I swore, not even caring that I didn’t know what I was agreeing to.
“I need you to let me go, then I need you to live your life. Chase your dreams and never let anyone make you settle for less than what you deserve. Anything you desire in this world is yours for the taking. You just have to know your worth and believe what I’m telling you.” I nodded as more tears continued to fall. “A mother’s love is never-ending. It’s pure. It’s unconditional. It’s true. I love you, Nicole.”
“I-I love you too, Mama.” I could barely even get that out.
She then pushed at my back and I turned, only to be pulled into her arms. She kissed the top of my head and held me for a few seconds, then I heard her breathing growing ragged. “Your father. Get him for me, please.”
I got up, then went outside only to find Nicolai alone. “Where’s Dad?”
Nico shrugged. “He went to his office, and he doesn’t want to be interrupted.”
I remembered what my mother had said, and while I normally would’ve adhered to his wishes, his wife didn’t have much time, so he was going to have to man up and do this for her. I walked swiftly to his office, and I opened the door only to find it empty. I stepped inside anyway, then called out to him. No one was here, so I closed the door, and headed back down the hallway, searching every room until I found him out on the lanai. He was in front of the pool with his hands tightly wrapped around the railing. His entire upper body was slumped, and a man whose head was always held high now had it hanging low. I walked toward him and knew by the way he tensed up that he heard me.
“Mama wants you to—”
“I’m not going to say goodbye.” He turned and leveled me with one of those looks he’d give others when he dared them to defy him. My mother’s words from earlier came rushing back once more, echoing inside my head.
“You’re going to do it anyway because it’s what she wants.”
I’d never stood up to my father like this before. I normally did what was asked. If anyone ever challenged him on anything, it’d be my brother or my mother, but it never had been me. It was one of the reasons I would’ve never gone to Chicago if Jonas hadn’t intervened. There was no uncle to set things right now, only me.
What about what I want?” he asked, and I almost laughed. In true Titan fashion, it was all about him. Briefly, my thoughts turned to Callum, then anger filled me. “This isn’t about you. Mama’s going to pass away whether you’re there or not. Why would you make her unhappy on what is her last day on earth? Don’t you love—”
It’s because I love her, Nicole. How in the hell am I supposed to say goodbye to the love of my life? This should’ve never happened.”
“But it has, Daddy. I don’t want to let her go either, but we have to. ”
He moved to me and embraced me tightly. His chin was now resting on top of my head as I pressed my face against his chest. “If I tell her goodbye, it makes this real. I’m not ready to accept that she’s gone.”
I tilted my head up. “If you don’t do this, you’ll regret it the rest of your life. She needs you to be the man you’ve always been, and when she passes, I’m going to need you to be him, too.”
“How do I say goodbye?” The words seemed almost torn from him.
“You let the words come to you. I can’t tell you what to say or how to feel. I just know that if you’ve ever loved her, or us, that you have to do this. She needs this.”
“I do love you,” he told me, then kissed me on the forehead. “Let’s go do this. Afterward, we can comfort each other.”
I gave him a nod, then we returned to the house. Nicolai seemed surprised that I’d lured him back, and I went to stand with my brother as my father entered the room. This was all so surreal, and as the minutes ticked by, eventually my father reopened the door. He summoned us to him, and soon the three of us were gathered around her bed. A few more goodbyes were said, then she took the prescribed drug. It wasn’t long before her eyes closed for the last time, and death stole her from us.