Chapter 4
Jeremy
The house was dark by the time we got back.
It felt strange that I hadn’t met the parents yet, but Leah had been pretty persistent in getting me and Austin out of the house.
Leah had always been a little more wild, but I’d never seen her get as drunk as she had tonight.
In retrospect, she honestly hadn’t had that much to drink, but I knew IPAs could have a little higher alcohol content and really pack a punch.
Talking to Austin was strange. Every part of me felt this familiar pull, like the years we’d been apart hadn’t existed. But I’d caused the fissure. It was my fault that he had his guard up with me.
Thankfully, I hadn’t been kidding about learning how to drive in New York. Those people were fucking brutal. The taxi cabs were suicidal on the best of days.
Austin pulled into the driveway, which took the last of the parking.
I had to park on the street, and it made me a little annoyed because carrying Leah into the house would be a pain.
She’d fallen asleep on the drive, so I was thankful I’d had someone to follow. She would have been completely useless.
Thankfully, I didn’t have to get her into the house alone. Austin came rushing to the passenger side of the car, opened the door, and helped scoop his sister up.
Leah babbled against his shoulder as I followed them through the house.
“I’m not going to help you undress my sister. We might have shared a womb, but I have to draw the line somewhere.”
I shook my head, trying not to laugh. Then the statement struck me as odd. I figured they were close in age, but I didn’t know how close.
“Shared a womb?”
That seemed to grab Austin’s attention. “Uh, yeah. We’re twins. Did she not tell you?”
No, no, she had not. And maybe that was another sign that Leah was a huge mistake. Sure, she’d told me about her “baby brother,” but that didn’t always mean he was younger.
“Is there a reason she calls you the baby?” I asked as he dropped Leah on the bed. She groaned as she curled into a little fetal ball.
“Because she’s older by maybe two minutes.
But don’t get too excited about that. Mom had a hell of a labor.
Her water broke, and she had contractions right away.
Dad rushed her to the hospital, but we refused to descend at first. I’d like to think that it was because we were racing each other and fighting over who would come out first. She obviously won that fight.
She’s been showing me up ever since.” Austin shrugged before helping me to pull the blankets up over his sister.
As much as Leah hadn’t told me about Austin being her twin, he’d failed to mention a sister. Then again, it wasn’t like I’d given him much of a chance. Maybe if I hadn’t pulled away like I had…
“Are you two close?” I didn’t know why I had asked it. It seemed personal after so many years between us, but as we left the room and headed back down the stairs to the living room, it seemed appropriate to fill the gaps.
Austin sat back on the couch, rubbing his hands against his thighs. “I mean, we used to be.” When he didn’t elaborate further, I didn’t push. It was strange enough to be in this position, much less in the same room after all these years.
Instead of sitting next to him, like I desperately wanted to, I sat in the recliner to the side.
His smile was tight and forced, like he could read the tension rolling off of me.
There were so many questions that I wanted to ask him.
Had he ever found anyone else? Did he ever recover when I’d up and left?
“How did you and Leah meet?”
It wasn’t the question I expected him to ask me, but it was better than the prolonged and awkward silence that continued to pervade the surrounding space, but it was such a loaded question.
How did you tell the guy that you left his bed and after you told him you’d see him within a week... you met his twin sister instead? My palms sweated as I fumbled for the right words to say. No matter what, he’d be pissed. He had a right to be.
“When I first transferred to New York, she was in the same dorm. She, uh, helped me move my stuff in.” My face burned at the admission.
Austin was quiet for a moment, and the longer that silence stretched, the more my skin crawled.
“Speaking of transfers...”
I sighed, because I knew it was coming. He had to want to know. There was no way he didn’t.
I cleared my throat before he could continue asking the question.
“I was... a coward. And I can admit that. That doesn’t make what I did.
.. okay? I don’t know. There was a lot going on at the time, and I was scared.
I’d never connected with someone like that, and I think it scared me a little more than it should have.
Berkeley was freaking hard. Not that NYU was any better—”
“But you could have said something. Instead, I was faced with a dead phone line.”
I closed my eyes. There was a burning sensation there that I wanted to fight against. While most everyone I’d known had been accepting of my bisexuality, there had to be a reason that I’d hid it from my immediate family, and now my fiancée.
There was still a little niggling in the back of my mind that said being with a man was wrong.
That the things that I craved were dirty.
I knew that wasn’t the case, but there also had to be a reason I still couldn’t sleep with women.
“I wish I had a better answer for you—”
Austin cut me off with a harsh, humorless laugh. “That’s such a fucking cop-out. Just own it, Jeremy. You got scared and ran.”
Fear was a big part of it. He had me there. I was afraid that the deeper I got, the more likely I’d cave and show him the parts of me I’d been too afraid to give to anyone else.
But the transfer process had started long before that.
I hadn’t even known Austin at the time. There had just been something about being in San Francisco and how open everyone was.
Being away at college had given me the outlet I’d needed to explore my sexuality, but the first time my parents visited?
I was sure they were going to figure out that their son didn’t always bat for the same team.
I wasn’t in the right mindset for that. Still wasn’t.
Getting away from it all seemed logical, but it only complicated things more when I met Austin.
He was supposed to be a quick hookup. A fun time.
And then I couldn’t stay away. One night together turned into two.
Then we went out for dinner. Next thing I knew, we’d been together for a couple of weeks and my transfer was looming. There was no easy way to tell him.
And yeah. I’d changed my number. The panic had set in the moment I’d gotten on the plane to New York. I’d never done something so shitty in my entire life, and I didn’t know how to deal with the consequences.
“Afraid. We’ll go with that.” It was easier to agree with him than to fight.
Austin softened just a little as I sank back into the cushions of the recliner. My eyes pinched closed as all the regret washed over me.
“Jeremy?”
My eyes cracked open because I hadn’t expected him to suddenly sound so much more concerned. He’d flipped like a light switch, angry and now worried.
“Like I said, I don’t have a good excuse. I wish I did. None of it makes it any easier.” With that, I stood from the chair and climbed back up the stairs to the room to go to bed.