Chapter 1 #2
“You’ll feel better soon.” I hear Mom’s voice, her hands gripping one of mine. “Mamma’s here.”
The fogginess makes it difficult for me to think, and I fight it for what feels like hours before I’m able to start making sense of the sounds around me.
I notice I’m sitting on a chair by the nurses’ station, and Mom is with me.
“Hey, sweetie,” she coos. “Are you feeling better?”
My sight focuses on her worried face, and while my mind becomes a little clearer, I remember that I’ve lost Christiano, and acute grief changes my entire world from colorful to pitch black.
A weird sensation creeps through me as I stare at Mom, and slowly the unbearable ache and sense of loss diminish until I feel nothing.
Somehow, I manage to switch off my emotions because facing the devastating reality that Christiano is dead is not something I can deal with.
Mom’s eyebrows knit together as her worry increases. “Sienna?”
My lips part, and my speech is delayed before I say, “Yes.”
“Are you okay, sweetie?”
The few seconds of numbness passes and all the anguish, panic, fear, and desperate longing explode through me once again.
Augusto comes rushing around the counter. “We can see him. Come.” My brother grabs my arm and pulls me to my feet, and like a robot, I let him drag me to one of the private rooms where it’s not as chaotic.
Stepping inside, my gaze lands on the bed, and when I see Christiano, I’m flung from one extreme emotion to the next.
My feet refuse to move any further, and my heart struggles to catch up to the realization that he didn’t die.
The corner of Christiano’s mouth lifts, his eyes filled with life and the intensity I’ve been trying to get used to for the past three months.
“Come here,” he says, the deep sound of his voice washing over me.
Augusto nudges me, and I automatically walk closer to the bed. Instead of happiness, fear spreads through me like a cancer. It eats away at every good thing I’ve ever experienced, leaving me with nothing but the thought that I could’ve lost Christiano today.
Somewhere deep inside of me, a vital piece of my sanity fractures, and even as my eyes roam over his strikingly handsome face, it doesn’t heal.
I can still lose him. All it will take is one bullet.
The cracks in my mind grow because the pain I felt when I thought he was dead is something I never want to experience again. It will kill me.
When I stop beside the bed, Christiano takes hold of my left hand. I feel the warmth of his skin and the strength in his grip, but it doesn’t ease the turbulent storm raging inside me.
I watch as he presses a kiss to my bare ring finger, then he opens his other hand, and when I see the engagement ring, my eyes widen slightly. Panic seizes my heart, causing it to beat faster.
“I’m sorry the engagement party was ruined,” Christiano says, and even though he’s in a hospital bed, he doesn’t look any less dangerous.
Just as he positions the ring by my fingertip, I rip my hand away. The shock of what I’ve just done ripples through the air, and Christiano’s eyes instantly narrow on my face.
Shit.
“Ahh…” Teetering on the edge of insanity, I frantically search for a believable reason to explain my behavior, and I latch onto the first thing I can think of. “Not here.” A nervous chuckle escapes me, and I lean over him to adjust his pillows. “You need to focus on getting better.”
Jesus, I can hear the panic in my voice. I need to calm down.
My eyes dart over the room as the need to run almost overwhelms me.
Leaning down again, I press a kiss to his cheek before I say, “Get some sleep. I’m going to check on the others.”
As I rush toward the door where Augusto and Mom are standing, I do my best to look normal and not batshit crazy.
“Sienna,” Christiano snaps, making my feet come to an instant halt. With shaky movements, I glance over my shoulder as he asks, “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” My reply comes way too fast.
He begins to move, and his features tense until every line seems like it’s been cut from stone.
“You should stay in bed, Christiano,” Mom says, concern lacing her words.
He ignores my mother, and getting up, he walks toward me, dressed in a pair of blue scrub pants doctors usually wear.
I haven’t seen Christiano out of a suit since he graduated from school, and my eyes touch on the ink covering his left hand, arms, and chest. CAPO DEI CAPI is tattooed from shoulder to shoulder, reminding me who this man is.
Just as I look at his abs and the beginning of his Adonis belt, he stops right in front of me and grips hold of my chin. My head is forced backward until my eyes touch on his black ones for a couple of seconds. Unable to keep eye contact, I pull my chin free and take a step away from him.
“Sienna’s just in shock. I think some rest would do her a world of good,” Augusto says.
I can feel Christiano’s intense stare burning on me, and my tongue darts out to wet my dry lips.
Needing to get away from everyone, I say, “Augusto’s right. It’s been a rough day.” I have to force myself to glance up at Christiano, and seeing the suspicious expression on his face, my panic grows.
Knowing how persistent he can be, I quickly close the distance between us, and standing on my tiptoes, I press my mouth to his.
His arm instantly locks around me as I give him a quick kiss. I duck my head and hug him while whispering, “Get some rest, okay? I’ll check on you later.”
Christiano’s arm tightens around me for a moment, and he kisses my temple before he lets go.
This time, he doesn’t stop me, but as I dart out of the hospital room, I hear him say, “Stay, Augusto.”
I rush down the hallway and out of the hospital, and the moment I step out into the cool night air, a strangled sob bursts over my lips.
“Sienna!” Mom darts in front of me, and taking one look at my face, she engulfs me in a hug. “Oh, sweetheart.”
Clinging to my mother, my voice sounds unnatural as I groan, “I’m losing my mind, Mom.”
“You’re not. Today is just an awful day,” she says as she caresses my hair.
I shake my head. “I can’t do this anymore.”
Once again, everything begins to shut down inside me until the tears eventually stop and I stare at nothing. An unnatural calm eases the trembling from my body, and even though it stills my mind, I feel…dead.
“Sienna?” Mom pulls back, and her cool hands frame my feverish face.
“I need help,” I admit, my tone monotonous, then suddenly all the crippling emotions return full force, and they rip a wail from me. My voice pitches and a tremor rocks through my body. “It feels like I’m going insane.”
Mom’s expression turns serious as she locks eyes with me. “Just focus on taking deep breaths. Try not to think about what happened today.” I feel her hands brush lovingly over the sides of my head. “Mamma’s here, my baby. Everything will be okay.”
“Don’t let anyone see me like this,” I beg with a strained voice.
She nods while pulling me back into a hug.
There’s no place for weak people in the Cosa Nostra. I don’t belong in this world.